Behavior Issue with 3 Year Old

We have twin grandsons, anxious to hear what they tell you...as one is not sassy/ angry and the other gets mad, and umph...umph, take tries to spit...now they both taking shoes off will make us mad...

He was alone with you and now suddenly you are no longer his alone. These other children have taken your attention away and he is sad, upset, angry, etc. All normal emotions, and it's not like he can tell you how he feels about this massive change. THAT is something that you have to address. I don't know how - maybe special time with him, reassurance?

Also, are you given the authority to correct these children or do you have to put up with the behavior? That's the key. If their parents allow you to discipline them when they are in your care, then they all get the same discipline. They are young and have to be taught how to act. Your son is learning how to misbehave from them, especially if they aren't disciplined effectively.

Add: Regardless of the fact that they had a few playdates and you talked to him, he's not an adult - he's 3. So he's still going to react to the change because he doesn't have the cognitive ability to say to himself "well, i've played with these kids before and mom told me she would be babysitting, so it's ok if I have to share her attention with them". That's ADULT thinking, not child thinking.

Sure, you can stop watching these kids and you can raise your son in a bubble, but I think the better course of action would be to teach him that two wrongs don't make a right, and that he is responsible for his own behavior and if he chooses to follow others, he will suffer the consequences. He needs to learn to be a leader and follow his own heart and mind, not a follower.

And please don't say things to him like "I know you are doing this because x does it." That just gives him an excuse and teaches him to blame others for his behavior.

You will be doing everyone a favor if you teach your son personal responsibility.

well, this is what happens when your kids see other kids. So, it was going to either happen now or kindergarten. The problem with it happening at 3 instead of 6 is that your son doesn't have the verbal skills to fully communicate. Hence the tantrums.

You indicate "step" siblings. I'm not sure of the exact relationship.... but that also might be part of the behavioral issues. Did his dad or you get married to someone who has kids? In addition to being asked to share you during the day.... is he also sharing you *as a parent*.... that can compound things.

If you don't feel like your son will respond to your discipline (which should be calm, consistent and may take several months)... then I think this is not good for your son. If you can't find a way to calmly discipline him REGARDLESS of what other kids are doing..... then he may not be able to flourish in the current situation.

His world was rocked: One day he's your only kid, with all your attention. The next, and for days and days and days ever after, he is suddenly and without warning sharing you -- the focus of his world -- with total strangers.

You can see why he's acting out, can't you? Are you familiar with the idea of "negative attention"? It means that a child hungry for adult attention will accept even the"negative" attention of discipline, parental anger, time outs, etc., because it is still a form of attention. This is hard for adults to understand sometimes, but your son has learned that he can have your attention back if he behaves badly. He was a sweet loving good kid, but he has figured out that if he has to misbehave to get you to focus on him, he will. This is NOT "manipulation" that he's craftily using to trick you (and some moms who post on here tend to think kids forever manipulate adults). Instead it's a toddler's gut reaction to basically feeling he's lost everything he thought was safe.

Factor in the reality that the other kids are behaving poorly, and when they do it they get your attention -- and he's really learning the lesson well.

Have you done paid child care previously? I would seriously consider asking these parents to withdraw their kids (especially since they seem to have zero interest in disciplining these children) and start from scratch if you feel you must do this for income. I'd consult with people who have done in-home child care and who have their own kids there too, and ask how they help their own kids deal with the situation of having outsiders come in and take mom's attention. (Moms on this board probably can help a lot -- I know we have some in-home child care providers on here who have their own kids at home!).

The huge change in your kid is so clearly due to the overnight introduction of two other kids to his "family." Try to see things as he is seeing them and you'll understand that he's not suddenly "gone bad"; he's tryiing to cope in whatever way he can with a situation he does not understand, and a situation in which he sees that acting out gets your attention, which is what he craves above everything else.Doing in-home child care is certainly something to try for the income but you might see if there are other things that can supplement your income without rocking his world as much. Maybe wait until he is older and better able to understand what's going on or to see the other kids as playmates and not as rivals.

It hasn't been very long. As long as you stay very very consistent with discipline, I think this too will pass.

As for screaming/crying in time out, for my kids time-out doesn't end until you stop all that nonsense and apologize in a calm, tear-free voice. Time outs are much shorter and more peaceful once you implement this rule.

When the parents say 'that's how they are' do they mean that you can't discipline them? 4 year olds are old enough to understand - "It doesn't matter what your rules are at home, the rules here are XYZ. If you don't follow them, you will get ABC consequence." As long as the parents are on board with this, I think things will settle down all around. I'd give it another 3 months.

Also, if time-out doesn't work for these kids, you need to find out what currency does work for them. Take away a favorite toy? No TV? You need to know what is important to that child, and then determine the consequence.

If the parents are saying "this is how they are, and we don't want you to discipline them for being this way", then you have to quit watching them.

It is true that if your child is around other kids he will pick up behaviors from them...no matter what age. My 8 year old brings home behaviors he learns from kids at school every year that I do not like. Both my kids were so good at age 2 and both of them became pretty willful at age 3. 3 can be such a hard age...so you have to factor that in here. My son went to a home daycare part time when he was 3. He learned some awful behaviors that year from another 3 year old boy. Ugh. It was awful but we had some serious sit down talks with him about how he is to behave at home with us. We had to explain that just because this other little boy does it at his house (his mom ran the day care...it was just 5 kids) that does not mean he can do it with us. We started giving him a set consequence each time and he stopped the behavior. My daughter is 3 now. She was SUCH an easy sweet thing till just recently. Not that she's horrible now, but wow, she suddenly has quite the mind of her own. Perhaps you should contemplate not watching these kids. Maybe watching a couple one year olds would be easier?

Kids often pick up on behaviors from other kids. Also, if you are paying attention to these kids, that means your attention is divided and your son doesn't have 100% of it like he used to. If they are misbehaving, then your son may think that misbehaving is a way to get your attention! You may be scolding your son, or putting him in time-out, but at least you are paying attention to him!

I would try using lots of positive reinforcement to your son (and the other kids) when they ARE behaving. Catch them being good and really reinforce that. Try putting your attention on the GOOD things they are doing. Did they play nice for 5 minutes? Give them some positive attention for that. Run heavy control on what they are doing so they don't have a chance to fail.

Otherwise you may need to say goodbye to these kids (and the income) because your son does come first. You may be able to find better income watching someone else's kids. It will be worth it!

My daughter is older but she does pick up bad habits from certain friends. I have had to discourage her from hanging out with them, and then the behavior disappears. Sad, but true.

Good luck!

If your son is picking up bad habits, what are you doing about the other children? When they are in your home, how are they behaving? Are they similarly put in time out? Have you discussed their behavior with their parents? If you have not, then it is well time to do so.

It may also be the terrible threes. People told me 2 was going to be bad. I found 3 to be worse and 4 has been a headache. I have started reading "talk to your kids will listen" and a companion book on liberated families. My DD is highly reactive and will scream at the slightest thing. I have found, honestly, that by acknowledging the core issue she is doing better. "DD, are you upset that the TV needs to go off? I'm sorry, too, but it is time for it to take a break and go do something else." The book describes it better. She doesn't get her way, but she also doesn't keep screaming about it. To be honest, I was like that as a kid myself and I know it drove Mom crazy. I want a calmer home, too.

I would also look at triggers. I often watch a young boy a few years older than DD. When he was 4ish, he would get very angry over little things. His parents worked with him on it, and when I saw that he was getting upset, I sent the kids outside to run off steam. Unless it was raining, out they went and it diffused a lot of tensions.

Make sure that the older two are not picking on your son, taking his toys, etc. It can be really hard to go from being alone to being outnumbered, by older kids, and having to share your toys. If DS has a few special things, you might consider putting them away or allowing him to play with them in his room while the other kids do something else. I suspect he may be reacting to being low man on the totem pole and may need reassurance.

Welcome to 3. They become independent, and the more you demand of them, the worse their behavior gets. Instead, just use a gentle, sweet voice., and say, "that is not how we talk to mommy," or, "I can't help you if you aren't using your gentle voice.

Please do not blame all of your kids behavior of the other kids. Some kids are sweethearts at 2, and pure devils at 3. Such is development.

One thing you need to keep in mind, and this is probably the reason why... your son is acting out, is:
That he is 3. And also.... you recently have 2 other kids in your home... that was never there before.
Remember: to a little child's mind... this is "his" home, "his" things, "his" Mommy... and suddenly, it is all changed.
3 months may seem long to an adult, but to a 3 year old it is not, and he is now is expected to suddenly just cope and adjust like a Champ... there are TONS of things on his tiny little shoulders, to have to deal with.
The dynamics... of the home... is different now. And his routines. And his life.
But yet, HE is the one being scolded/punished and put on a whole other level of "expectations" just because there are now 2 other kids in the house. And these 2 new kids are brother/sister. He must feel like the odd man out.
And being he is only 3 years old, their emotions are not even fully developed yet, nor their communication, nor their understanding of ABSTRACT emotions or social situations, and a child this young... does NOT have automatic inherent "coping skills" to deal with all of it.
Your son, is having a hard time with this, all the changes in his home and with his Mommy.

I used to do childcare in my home. There was 1 child that I was caring for, that did NOT get along with my daughter. My daughter was only about 3 at the time. I tried all different methods of handling the DYNAMICS of it... but the 2 of them just did not.. .mesh. I told the parents. The parents even admitted that their child is a handful and very... bossy. Even to strangers. THUS.... I stopped caring for this child, and the reason was because, it was causing emotional problems in MY daughter. And it was not her fault. She tried to cope... with the overbearing other child, but it really troubled her. Mentally and emotionally. I told the parents of the girl. They understood.
And I talked WITH my daughter about it all.... in ways she could understand. And she did. She was MUCH happier, after I had stopped, babysitting that other child.
I was also caring for 2 other children. My daughter and those 2 others, did not have a problem.

You need to keep in mind the age of your son... and how his "symptoms" are telling you, about him.