Behavior - Moreno Valley,CA

Are you serious? Your son was protecting his sister. That was FABULOUS! I think you should reward him for that, not lecture him.

He pushed the kid down and kicked his feet, that's all. He didn't pummel him into a bloody pulp and break his bones. The kid will live. And maybe the kid will learn not to push girls.

I'm not one for violence, but there used to be a day when boys got into fights and it was considered normal. Now if they even give each other a little push it's cause for extreme alarm.

If he gets into fights all the time, then you have a problem. If he protected his sister once -- GOOD FOR HIM. If he transfers that protectiveness to his future wife, she will adore him and give him lots of sex.

I think you should go and give him a big hug and strongly commend him for protecting his sister.

ETA -- Okay I didn't realize at first that the kid was three, so it's worth telling your son not to push little kids, however I still think that if this is a one-time event and it really was about him protecting the sister, it's not a big deal. Six year olds aren't that big or mature either. It's not like your son is 10.

I think the conversation should be: "Thank you for protecting your sister. But remember that Johnny is only three and you don't push little babies, because you're bigger than he is."

The kid only got pushed down.

No, it's not normal for 3 year olds to get into physical altercations.

More than anything, I would be proud of your son for protecting his sister. He didn't hit the other kid, he pushed him away to stop him from hitting his sister, and he told him to stop. I honestly don't have a problem with this.

Your friend's husband should have stopped his son from hitting your daughter. But he didn't. So your 6yo stepped up. If your friend's husband doesn't like that scenario, perhaps next time he needs to step in.

ETA: Also...why does he have to be "hit continuously?" Have you ever been hit? It HURTS! Being hit ONCE is enough for me to say to my child, "yes, you can defend yourself or someone weaker than yourself."

I've told my boys ever since they were little: "We don't start fights, but we'll sure finish them."

Why did you praise him for standing up for his sister when that was not what he was doing? Standing up for someone is accessing the situation and taking 'appropriate' steps. He did neither. He didn't like the child, used his sister crying as an excuse to beat up on him.

Why does he hate the three year old? This isn't just anger, it is anger directed at a small child, why? For him to control his anger he needs to figure out why he lost it.

Sorry I can't be any more help but my only child that went zero to sixty like that has ASD and is part of his disorder so we had to attack it differently.
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Okay am I the only one not seeing where the little boy hit his sister? Big brother saw nothing but his sister crying and physically attacked a child three years younger. There is nothing to be praised in that situation.

You'll figure it out.

Kudos for you for teaching your son to look out for his little sister. Who says chivalry is dead?
But, he is only 6, and the nuances of what that means in real life are difficult for him to navigate. Just remember that. It requires a lot of discernment and judgment on his part, and he may not reach the same conclusions as an adult in every situation about how he should (or shouldn't) act.

Good luck.

So, My son used to get in trouble at daycare ..
My son A got in trouble for pushing B. B got introble for Pinching C. It turns out that A pushed B because B pinched C.. Chirvarly in my book. Oh. and this is when all 3 were 2 year old.. They are now 5 and still get together. Us moms got together for dinner, and we were talking about the situation, laughing becuase at the time of being told by daycare what happened we did not realize the other scenerio involved. I was upset.. they put my son in a time out for pushing, but my opinion he should not have been because he was protecting his friend.. it was provoked.

Your son, was in his eyes protecting his sister! That is what big siblings do.. Mind you it is okay for them to make the little sister/brother cry.. but no one else dare that.

Your son will have to be in a few more situations like this, beofre he will insticvily do the right thing. Practice makes perfect.

He is angry- it seems that he is angry because he felt that Kevin hurt his sister.. he just needs to learn how to release this anger in the right way. Lets face it. Many many adults do not know how to do this Right?

Take a breath.. and move on :)

"Standing up for his sister" means finding an adult and getting help.
In no way should a six year old be expected to "defend" himself or his sibling in a physical way, unless you're trying to raise a kid (brute) who hits first and asks questions later.
And no, "fighting" is not normal for three year olds. It's something that SOMETIMES happens, but it is not the norm.
Sounds like a hostile environment. I suggest you step back and assess your behavior, and then work with your son on learning how to control HIS impulses and ask for help when he needs it, instead of flying off the handle.
ETA: I'm not surprised your son doesn't want to go back to that house, it sounds like the kids were left to fend for themselves. Where was the dad when all this was going on?

Da Ro:

your post was hard to read - it was like one continuous sentence - so I may have missed something.

Did your son actually see Kevin hurt his sister? And that's what caused him to go over and push him to the ground and kick him? If he was protecting his sister - in my opinion - he did the right thing and should be praised for it. IF he did NOT see him actually hurt his sister - and pushed and kicked because he THOUGHT he has hurt her - then no. No praise.

Where did your son learn how to use the word hate? Did he hear it from you and your husband? Children are really good at being our mirrors. There are some things I have seen my boys do and it made me step back and realize what I was teaching them, so I needed to correct myself as well as correct them.

Your son is ALLOWED to have feelings of anger and dislike. DO NOT tell him otherwise. I would say to him - I'm sorry you are angry at Kevin right now. I think you will get over your anger and be friends again. Holding a grudge or staying mad at him isn't nice. We can forgive people for some things.

Why is this happening? He's 6 years old. He is learning his universe is a lot bigger and now that he has words to go with those feelings - he uses them and expresses himself. He has explored more of the world - has gone to school and seen more things....

If you and your husband argue in front of the kids - which in reality - is OKAY - because they learn conflict resolution this way - but are hitting below the belt, getting physical or yelling and screaming at each other - you aren't teaching your child conflict resolution.

You and your husband need to compromise on parenting styles.

Let your son have his feelings. Give him some time to calm down. Give him warning that he is going to Kevin's house. Help him deal with his feelings and teach him how to forgive and move on.

Hope this helps

I get what you are saying about the aggression part, but I would be proud of my son too, for having the devotion and protection over his sister. We all want our kids to be that protective of each other. Anyway, I think you said what you could to your son, and maybe a way to get him to go back to the friends house, is for you and your husband, and your best friend and her husband to have a heart to heart with the boys. Tell them that protection is OK, but beating and aggression are not. Tell them that good friends don't come along every day, and maybe you can get them to make up that way. Raising kids is so hard sometimes!! Good luck!

I'm not sure which upsets you more - the 3 yr olds fighting, your older child knocking the 3 yr old boy down or your son saying he hates anyone?

First - 3 yr olds do not play well together or with anyone - it'll be another year or so before they get over that - so there's nothing to feel guilty about there except that maybe your youngest is not ready for play dates.

Second - maybe he was defending his sister (defending was ok) but the kid he knocked down was half his age and probably 2/3rds his size. He probably needs to learn how to separate the little kids and/or temper his efforts to fit the size of his opponent or get an adult to intervene and stop the fighting and separate the 3 yr olds. He could use some guidance but not a scolding or punishment.

Third - when your son says he 'hates' Kevin, he probably hates that Kevin fights with his sister. If the fighting stops, he'll have nothing to hate.
I just hate fighting and conflict (I always was the peacemaker) - my sister loves it - we never did get along.

Conflict resolution is something everyone needs to learn.
They are all working on it one way or another.
Some kids fighting means they have some growing up to do and you are in a position to guide them.
It's a phase they are going through and it's nothing to feel guilty about.

How sad that your son needs to know self defense at such a young age. You must live in a very rough area, and/or he must be left on his own a lot.
I suggest that at six he not be given this burden at such a young age, and especially the burden of looking after a three year old sister! There are some community programs available if daycare costs are an issue for you, like Boys and Girls Clubs, and the Y.
And if an adult WAS watching him, then WHY did he lash out instead of finding the adult?
Oh right, he is SIX and hasn't yet learned good impulse control. Plus he has been told to "defend" himself, and his sister.
This is classic gang mentality, please don't go down that road with your kid.

Your son does not have a grasp on what "defending" means, which is pretty normal for the age.

My sons have been in karate for a few years and are currently training towards their black belt level. The first student creed is: I Will Develop Self-Discipline Within Myself.

Until your son has Self Discipline, he will not be able to effectively defend himself or others. Kids don't simply learn to control themselves because they are told to do so, so the conversation you had with him about it may only add to his frustration. He needs to be taught and guided.

The first thing kids learn in martial arts is self defense.
Step 1 is to leave the situation if possible. If you're helping someone, take them with you.
Step 2 is to use your voice. That might be towards another or to get help.
Step 3 is defending from a physical attack with blocking. If you can create an opportunity to leave at any point, do so.
Step 4 is subduing an attacker. There are non-hitting ways to make a person unable to continue to hurt you.
Step 5 is offensive fighting, going on the attack.

Your son jumped straight to Step 5. Your motives are great, but it your son has a hard time with emotions and judgement, I recommend you enroll him in a martial arts school.

For you and your husband, work on effective non-emotional conversation and table stressful discussions until you have some privacy.

As far as the incident with your friend's child goes, he should offer sincere apologies for attacking their toddler. It seems he does genuinely feel remorse, which is wonderful. It will be hard for him but must be done.

I think I understand what you've taught your son. I think the only thing missing from your teachings is this: your son should be told to NEVER "defend himself physically" against someone much weaker/smaller than himself.

No matter how many times the kid in the wheelchair (for example) shoves your son, your son is likely to be the one who really gets in trouble if he punches a wheelchair-bound child in the nose.

In this case - 6-year-old versus 3-year-old - I think it's the same thing. No matter how awful that 3-year-old was being, your son should have been HANDS OFF.