I have a four year old daughter who I share custody with her father. Her father has a new girlfriend who has a seven year old daughter. The problem I have is that her father allows our daughter to take baths with the seven year old. My daughter has mentioned to me that the litter girl washes her bottom with soap. Also they leave both kids unsupervised.
My second issue is that they are always sleeping in the same beds together. He has his own apartment however during his custodial times he spends the night at his girlfriends house and let the two kids sleep in the same bed together. I
Once I found out about this I told my daughter that was inappropriate behavior and she shouldnt be doing that. I also told my ex.
My daughter also told me that his new girlfriend said it is ok for them to take baths and sleep in the same bed.
What are my options....
I don't understand the problem with a 4 year old girl and a 7 year old girl bathing or sleeping together. Sorry! I guess you could make your wishes known to your ex and his girlfriend, but I think this is going to cause issues for no reason. Legally, I don't think you have any options.
Its not ok for them to bathe or sleep together and his time with his daughter is HIS TIME WITH HIS DAUGHTER! Not sleepover time. Situations like this may lead to inappropriate touching/feeling just out of mere curiousity etc. I applaud you for not taking this lightly. Thought the gf's 7 yr old may feel like 'big sister' and just trying to help...why not avoid anything questionable altogether. At 4 she sould start learning about privacy and at 7 that should have already been instilled. Dont let up on your gut feeling and pursue what ever avenues you need to to pretect yoru daughter. and while most people may thing you are blowing this up out of proportion, ask someone who was molested how it started...they'd all be on your side.
To all the other posters, THEY ARE NOT SISTERS and you don't 'compromise' your childs security. Even if they were sisters you would still supervise or pop your head in...and i'm sure Dad isnt doing that with the gf 7 yr old in there. Seems like they are forcing the girls relationship and giving them a false sense of being close. If your gut says something isnt right, it probably isnt.
I guessing you don't have a sister. My sister and I use to always do this. Until we got old enough that we wanted our privacy and space. It would be different if it was the opposite sex. But you are Mom and if you have voiced your feelings then ex should stand by them. Good luck.
I personally don't think I would have a problem with this. I used to bathe with my girl cousins, girl friends, and even my brothers when we were all little. And I always loved having someone else in bed with me too, so none of this behavior would worry me.
However, since you are uncomfortable with it, you need to have a talk with your ex about it. Tell him that you feel that he needs to be supervising bath time, etc. You are both her parents, and need to work on how you are both going to parent her separately.
Well... the Girlfriend is NOT your daughter's parent.
And he spends the night at her house, during custodial times....
AND the girls are left unsupervised....
To me, these are the problems.
Right?
So... what are the parameters of your Custodial arrangements?
I am sure, the Girlfriend is not a part of that...
she is not even a Step Mom.
It definitely sounds to me like your daughter has a problem with at least the bathing together. I agree that you should check with your custodial agreement and see what can be done about this. Does your ex have any explaination as to why he decides to sleep over at his girlfriend's place when it his time with your daughter. I also agree that time should be reserved by him for his daughter, not a good time for him and the girlfriend to be together. It seems, in this day and age, that if he were really serious about her, they'd either be married or living together. Since they are not, I'd be a bit dubious as to whether this relationship is going to last, and in that case it definitely is not appropriate for them to share baths and a bed. I see no problem with him having get togethers with them, go out to dinner, to a park, or whatever so the girls can get acquainted and your daughter can get to know the girlfriend as his friends. Then if they do get married, your daughter has at least some idea of who they are. But I agree with you totally if you try to get it worked out to the point where he cannot take her there for overnights at all.
Well it kinda depends how you look at it. They are both girls and not too far in age, so depending on personal preference, that may or may not be acceptable. If it becomes bothersome though, I would tell your ex to not let them bathe together for privacy sake on both the girls part, but sleeping in the same bed, I don't see much of an issue there. It's just sleep! We used to cosleep with my sis all the time. Maybe this new girlfriend is already viewing the girls as "sisters". You are probably just having a problem with it because it is the other woman (but she is also a M., so she might be thinking both girls isn't a problem I think it should be ok unless you just don't like it period!
I too agree that them taking a bath together is inappropiate because they are NOT sisters, but sleeping in the same bed is not inappropiate. Maybe you can compromise and say no baths, but same bed is okay. Honestly, it is no different than a sleepover with a friend. Ex should understand your feelings on the bath because your daughters body is being exposed to someone that is not family. My ex made my 7 year old daughter take a shower with her 13 year old half sister and I threw a fit! Way too much of an age difference for them to be showering together. He did not see why I was upset, but I made it clear it would not happen again!!!
I think you should back up. There is nothing wrong with two little girls taking a bath together or sleeping in the same bed. Sounds like you have some issues that need to be addressed. Please don't pass them on to your daughter. By the way, if you thought it was inappropriate, you should have said that to her father, not your daughter. I'm sure she is sleeping where she's told to sleep and like most small children, don't have the authority to put her foot down and refuse to sleep where she's told.
I don't see a problem with either. They are 4 & 7 for pete's sake. Has your daughter complained about either situation? If she hasn't, she probably looks forward to spending time with other girl as much as her dad. And what's the harm in that?
It's a different story if she's complaining about either situation.
I don't see a problem with either.
What I would have a problem with is him spending his custady days at his girlfriends house when he should be spending them with his daughter. He's teaching your daughter that it's ok to sleep with someone that you aren't married to.
obviously your daughter is uncomfortable with the bath situations, and who can blame her? this girl is not her sister, she's practically a stranger and, in my opinion, you're never more vulnerable than when you're in the bath. The bed thing is iffy, although I know in foster care situations they require each child do have their own bed. Perhaps you can talk to your lawyer and see if you have any grounds to have it enforced that she have her own bed to sleep in?
Stick to your standards and your guns and do not compromise. As the parent you have the say not some girlfriend. Remind him that he can do his thing when its not his week to have your child but that he has responsibility as a parent when the child is there. It is a shame that this woman doesn't have the same desire to set an example for her child -- maybe you can talk to her child's father and get his support!
Good Luck.
Well, my first thought was that they are treating them like they are sisters. If your ex is serious about this woman than there is nothing wrong with that. My boys are those same ages, and they bath together and will sleep in the same bed when I will allow it (they usually talk more than sleep so it is not often). If one of the children was a boy this would be an issue, but not with 2 girls. The older child should not be doing the washing though, at 4 she can wash her own body with supervision.
I'd say talk to your ex again and if he still doesn't take you seriously talk to a lawyer. I agree that it is inappropriate on many levels. Your ex has visitation and for him people you don't really know such intimate contact with your daughter is unacceptable.
I used to take baths together with my sister (same age gap) and cousins (similar age gaps) How serious is the relationship with dad and the new girlfriend? If they may become step sisters, I don't see a problem, though I agree she shouldn't be washing your daughter. as for sleeping in the same bed, I don't see a problem at all! I have always slept in the same bed as my friends when I spend the night at their place, and for a few years my sister and I shared a bed when we didn't have room for an extra one.
