Babysitter Dilemma

My thought is you do ask the sitter how the art work happened. She needs to understand how important it is to "watch" the children at all times. If she uderstands the ramifications of what could have happened (falling off stool) she may think more before she ignores the kids. If you don't let her know that you are aware of her actions, it will only continue. Good Luck!

I don't want to sound harsh here but I think 12 is way to young to babysit for 3 & 5 year olds. My daughter is 14 and my son is 4. I never leave her with him longer than it takes me to run to the store or something similar. Kids at 12 are exploring and trying to become independant. I think this responsibility is too much for someone that age. I personally didn't start babysitting until I was 15 or 16. My advice...try to find an older sitter, get reccomendations from other parents. Hope this helps.

If it were me, I'd just not use her again. If you are afraid she'll do this to someone else, then I would approach her mother and let the parent handle it.

I have a neighbor that is also 12 and she occasionaly watches my 3 year old. Her mom is always there, so my husband and I can actually go out and enjoy ourselves knowing that if anything were to happen, everything would be fine cause the 12 year old is not alone. Honestly I could not leave my daughter alone with a 12 year old. I think that is too young of an age to entrust a child to care for your children... I think that maybe this was an eye opener for something that could happen that may be worse than what happened. That's just my opinion, but my daughter is not taken care of by no one but me, so maybe I am just a little paraniod...

What are you doing leaving a 12 yr old for 6 hours with your children? My advice is to let it go and not use her again for that amount of time. I think if you still want to use her to babysit she shold be supervised in some way such as in havign someone drop by to check up on her or frequent phone calls to talk to your kids. But never for 6 hours! even if her level of maturity is high she is only 12 yrs old. she is still a child.

You absolutely should speak to the girl and also let her mother know what happened. This is your responsibility to her as an adult in her life and her employer. Children benefit from input and guidance from all the adults they know, not just parents. A word from you would likely go far in preventing her doing something similar in the future. What would you want to happen if it was your child who was the less-than-responsible babysitter? Wouldn't you want her to be held accountable and not think it's all right to keep doing this sort of thing? When I was about 12 or 13, I was called on the carpet for poor behavior by an adult I respected. I really cleaned up my act after that and I was grateful to that adult, not mad at her. So don't be afraid to talk to the girl about it. Teens and pre-teens aren't that scarey - they still want the respect and approval of those around them. Speak to her kindly and treat her like a person who can handle a grown-up conversation.

Children sometimes get the story wrong, so I would ask her what happened. You need to make it clear that she is there to interact with your kids. Personally, I think your sitter is too young. I was nervous having a just 15 year old watch one child (she is great though).

I am really sorry to hear this. You put your trust in someone else and you feel betrayed. I would get the side of the sitter this might scare to really take her duties as a sitter more serious. It's a really hard when it comes to stuff like this but I don't think children always make things up.

S. B

Dear M.,

In my opinion, I would definitely confront this young lady, but I would do it in the presence of her parents and with great care for the words you choose. I certainly would not ask her to watch my children again and I would let her and her parents know that you are choosing this as you have lost trust in her ability to act maturely enough to be responsible for your loved ones. Do not be afraid of hurting someones feelings when it comes to protecting your child, but make sure that you say things with the most tact possible so as to not make things uncomfortable at church.
After reading the other responses I wanted to add that I was babysitting a 9 mo old at the age of 11 and when I was 13 I was watching 10 kids under 6 all at the same time. Nothing got destroyed, the house did not burn down, the kids were in bed on time and the dishes were all done by the time the parents got home. By the way that was for four of my cousins who liked to go out together and they did this on a very regular basis not a one time deal. Young people can handle this kind of responsibility it just depends on what they are taught and how they are raised. Oh and by the way, when I was babysitting the 9 mo old, I changed the cloth diapers that my cousin opted for with no injury or any other problems.
Good luck and God bless.
D.

HI.... I read thru all the responses before posting... so here goes...

I too am a WAHM... self employed.. work at home mom.... sometimes I need to go to clients offices... what do I do... I have my 9 yr old babysit... did I say that out loud???.. Yes... I did... she is 9 almost 10 in Sept. She is responsible and on top of things and so I trust her to babysit her little sister. Who is 2.5. Thier 11 yr old brother is also always here as well when this happens. I can leave her in chrage for 4-6 hours and no problems. We have a neighbor grandma who is aware of our schedule... and is available at all times as an emergency contact should there be a need....between my dd and I ... we check in when I get to the clients... and we check in when Im on my way home.

As the mom.... I feel that if I think she is mature enough to handle this... then its ok.... and no one else is going to know how she is or understand why I would feel this way... many would probably, based on the other posts here... say she is too young...and thats ok.... everyone is entitled to thier own opinion...we all do what we think is best for our own circumstances.

In regards to this sitter.... if you like her, and feel you can truct her to be honest and not do this again... then talk to her about it... and for sure talk to her mom about it... maybe only use her for shorter periods of time for awhile....and base that on how she reacts and how you feel in your gut about it all after that reaction.

Regardless of her age... if she is going to babysit... she needs to be held accountable for when she doesnt hold up her end. By not holding her accountable... she will get the message that being sneaky, and not doing what she was supposed to be doing are ok... and are worth repeating.

Good luck in whatever you do.... and please know ladies... none of this is meant to be offensive... just my way of showing support to M. and giving my opinion. ;0)

Hi M.!
Being a babysitter is a big responsibility and, speaking from experience, to be a good one takes practice. Before I had my own kids, I was a nanny for young children for nearly five years and before that there was many years of babysitting. I too started when I was about twelve. I think that if you are willing to hire a sitter that's young and needs experience, you should be willing to be patient with her and have a hand in teaching her the proper way to do things. It sounds like your kids probably like her and so do you or you wouldn't be so worried about how to handle it. If I were you, I wouldn't tell her parents. Instead, I would sit down with her before you leave her with the kids next time and talk to her about what happened. Tell her that you understand that she's new at this and you're willing to help her practice and work on her babysitting skills, but if she can't be faithful to watch your kids while she is there then you will need to hire a more experienced sitter. That way, you address the problem directly without any questions about what you expect and that you know what she's doing while you are away but you dont compromise the trust building between the two of you by telling her parents. Good luck! Keep us posted.

that child is not old enough to be a responsible babysitter - if she is watching inappropriate movies and allowing the children to run free she has proved that - I wouldn't hire her again for several years - if ever - no amount of "me time" is worth putting your kids in the hands of other kids and holding them responsible - get an adult to watch your kids if you can't do it yourself

I think 12 years old is a bit young to be responsible for 2 pre-school age kids. I always think the worst....like what if the kids started choking...does she know CPR? I think you should probably talk to her and her parents if you are close to them and explain your dissappointment and look for another age appropriate sitter. Or if you really want to keep her as a sitter then you should still let her know that you know what happened and that it is unacceptable. Although, even older teens or older sitters in general, can be sneaky. It is a great idea to always talk to your kids about how things went with the sitter. I don't mean to be critical....I am just over cautious. Good luck.

Hello M.,

I would confront the sitter with the piece of art and ask her what happened. That way you have both sides to the story. I would then talk to her about watching your kids more closely and if something like this happens again, tell her you will get a new sitter for your kids. You cannot have your stuff ruined because someone paid to watch your kids isn't keeping a good enough eye on them.

D.

I think a loving and direct approach is the only one. Teens need to be held accountable for their actions so that they can learn proper work ethic. I would sit down with her and address it from the stand point of she was hired to do a job and she did not complete the job. I think it is important though to remove temptation from teenagers as well. If you have a baby sitter coming over you should not have inappropriate movies available. It is just too much for them to resist. That being said you had a work contract in which you were specific about the expectation of the job You paid her for that job and she did not follow through on the execution of the job. Be loving and train her character instead of accusatory. I think it is important that you speak with her mother about the fact that you need to have a conversation with her daughter about your concerns, but I do not think that her mother needs to be the one responsible for handling the situation.

Personally, I think a twelve year old is way too young to be babysitting for children your age and for that long of a time. They just don't have the maturity yet to be able to handle things, regardless of how wonderful their parents are, long well they behave, go to church and so on. For me its a matter of development.

I tried a 12/13 year old once who seemed very mature and regretted it.

I would approach it gently and not accusingly. I would suggest to have the mom and daughter come over so that you can talk about it. Let the babysitter know that the real issue is not her watching the movie, but that you are concerned about what the children were doing while she was watching the movie.

At twelve I highly doubt she was thinking about your children's safety. Her only thought was that she really wanted to watch the movie, that she probably wasn't allowed to watch.

I started babysitting at this age and I know that I made many mistakes during my babysitting years, but it has made me a better mother and protector of my own children. The parents of the children I watched always approached things with love and patience and I still respect them and look up to them to this day, more than 15 years later! They did always alert my parents about the situation, but oddly enough I never even got reprimanded by my parents, they would just say, "Have you learned your lesson?"

You don't want to scare her and you want her to continue respecting you and your children. Also make sure to call her again to watch your children letting her know that you trust her.

Because your sitter is 12 years old, I don't think you should confront her yourself, but rather, let her mother know about the situation so that she can approach her daughter and handle the situation the best she can. She definately needs to be aware of the fact that the children should be her priority when babysitting!

I would definitley talk to her before her parents. Treat her like an adult and give her the benefit of the doubt. She should understand that you trust her and give her a HUGE responsibility when she watches your children. Let her know the children "mentioned" she was watching a movie and wouldn't let them watch it. She what her response is and go from there. Remind her of the house rules and move on....

I personally would let it go and just move on to getting a new babysitter.

Hi M., I feel inadequate on responding because I myself have only had one non-family member babysitter for my two kids ages 6 and 2 (she was 14), specifically for the "what if" scenarios like the one you had. But I feel compelled to agree with the other moms who said to talk with the babysitter in a one-on-one, calm way, expressing your feelings of not wanting to lose her trust or a good babysitter and without being accusatory. If you just ignore it and don't ever hire her again, you're losing a great opportunity to teach a young adult personal responsibility and accountability and she's missing out on a great opportunity to learn and grow. She'll probably feel ashamed and embarrassed but might react with anger, but it needs to be done. I feel you should talk with her and give her another chance before speaking with her parents. Lay down the ground rules if you haven't been specific enough and next time have her watch the kids for a shorter period of time. Please don't do what the one lady says and go around telling everyone what she did because "you did nothing wrong". She is still just 12 years old and even adults still make poor judgement calls and don't need their mistakes broadcast to the neighborhood. Think of how you'd want your daughter to be treated if she were in this situation. Good luck!

I had a babysitter about the same age who hadn't had a very long baysitting career..... I wanted to help make her a good sitter. When I had issues.... not quite to that extent, I called her mom & told her I really loved her daughter & wanted to help her daughter be the best sitter she could be.... that would in turn help build her character so she could be the best person she can be as well..... then tell her your concerns & ask her what she would like you to do either talk to the girl for yourself or the mom talk to her, or both of you talk to her at 2 different times.... this could be a good lesson in "doing the right thing even when no one is watching".... the type of person he is when no one is looking is the type of person she will be deep down.... what type of person does she want to show others that she is? After I talked w/ my babysitter's mom, the mom agreed w/ me & had seen things at home that she needed to help her daughter work through. The next time I saw her I was able to encourage her in the areas that I had concerns w/. Hope that helps! Blessings!

As a previous pre-teen babysitter, I think you should mention it directly to her as being concerned about your kids not having her full attention when she was paid for it. Whether you approach this from the direction of asking about the ruined artwork, or letting her know upfront that your kids mentioned she had watched a movie instead of giving them dinner.

You should also decide if you want to give her another chance or not.

I would give her the opportunity to deal with this on her own since this is essentially a business transaction between you and her; not her Mother. I would have been horrified as a pre-teen to have somebody I was working for go to my Mom about a situation.

She will probably be a much better babysitter the next time (if you give her that opportunity) - for one reason she will have been 'caught' and knows the kids will tell you what has happened, and that you will ask after her.

I noticed in other posts people were a bit shocked at the length of time. I noticed in your posting that you had given directions for bedtime - so perhaps I was the only one who assumed they were really only up for a couple of hours and then would be in bed the remaining hours (which is usually how it was for me when I was a young babysitter - I was there to play a little, give them dinner, get them in bed, and then watched tv bored out of my mind until the parents got home :) )

Good luck.

I would confront the sitter, and maybe give her one more chance before talking to her mother. Express your disappointment and expectation that she will do better. If her attitude is not contrite, tell her mother and maybe tell the sitter that you will not be using her again.

I would talk to your baby sitter directly, but be mindful of your tone. Remember, she is only 12 and her feelings are important. Say a prayer first before you speake to her. This way the Lord will intervene on your behalf. Ask your baby sitter what happened with the drawing, like you did with your children. Hopefully, she will tell you the truth. If she does not tell you the truth, let her know that you know about the movie. Tell her that you are concerned about the kids not being watched for the length of the movie and the safety measures involved. Talk to her as a friend, or at least have a friendly spirit in your voice when you speak to her. She may open up and will feel confident knowing that she can talk to you. I hope this helps. I have raised 3 girls, and it is amazing how they can turn a household upside down with their emotions.

Hmmmm, I'm having a hard time rationalizing a 12-year old being a "teen" or that she is old enough to be left alone with 2 kids for 6 hours! That's a long time for someone who is still a child herself.

I'm not saying that the things that happened are right (they're not) but I think this babysitter was expected to do too much, too young. I think at her age, 1-2 hours with 1 child may be better. Since all kids mature differently, it would be on a case-by-case basis. Personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable with anyone under 14; with 16 being better.

I would suggest talking to the mother, especially since you do see each other often...so you can tell her that shorter sitting is all you'll need from her in the future given her age.

Best,
C.

I would leave it alone and just not use her again to babysit.

I don't think there are many twelve year olds who are mature enough to look after a 3 and 5 year old on their own. She probably doesn't understand the ramifications of what can happen if she slacks off - you call her a teenager but she really isn't one yet. When I look back on myself as a twelve year old, I certainly wouldn't let me look after my children!!! I understand why you're upset, especially since you left such helpful instructions but if I was you, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. I'm sure she would feel terrible. Just find an older, more mature babysitter.

Unless you are planning on using her again, I would talk to her mother, considering she is only 12. I personally would not use her again, due to her age and immaturity. That isolated situation speaks volumes. I would rather be safe than sorry when it comes to my children.

My parents left me alone to watch my sister (who is 2 yrs younger) starting when I was 11 and they shouldn't have. They left us with strict rules--and we were well behaved children-- but I remember things like eating french fries for dinner, dancing on the couch to loud music, and watching R movies. I now have a 13 yo sister-in-law and I see how immature she and her friends are. I wouldn't trust anyone her age to watch children without an adult in the home as well. I'm really not trying to criticize, I just don't feel that is the safest situation for your children.

This girl has decided that being away from her parents and knowing she is not being monitored means she can take advantage and break the rules her own family has set. Unless you think she would respond well to you speaking directly to her, I would just talk to her mom. After all, she is still a child herself and it's probably best that her parents deal with her behavior. I would try to avoid an accusatory tone and simply make her mom aware of what has happened. Mention what your own child told you about the movie situation. I would explain to her mom that you are concerned about the safety of your children and knowing that they were unsupervised for over an hour is very unsettling. Thank goodness all they did was draw on your artwork. I'm sure she would understand that. If it's possible, I would try to find an older teen or adult to sit with your kids. You could always try this girl again in another couple years. I'm not saying she's a bad kid; she may just need some more time to learn the importance of responsibilities.

Teens are tough! My little sister-in-law actually lived with us for a few weeks last year and I was ready to rip my hair out. It's really hard to find the middle ground. You have to lay down the rules firmly but also find a way not to bruise their ego so badly when they disobey that they hate you. Thank goodness I've got 10 more years to prepare for my sons! Best of luck! I hope all works out well.

M.,
Of course you confront your sitter, the sooner the better. She did several things that were unforgivable - the most important of which was not watching your children and making sure that they were safe. That's what you pay her for - your peace of mind when you are not at home watching your own children. In addition, she broke your rules by watching a movie neither she nor your children were adult enough to watch and, through her neglect, your children ruined a piece of art. She also left your children alone in the kitchen where they certainly could have come to harm and failed to make their dinner.
After you finish telling her that you would never hire her again, you need to call her mother and make sure she understands what her child did and why you won't be using her for a sitter any more.
I think a 12 year old isn't mature enough to watch a 3 and 5 year old. Perhaps you can find an older teen to sit for them in the future.

I would just stop using her and hire another babysitter from now on. She's young, and so this most likely is a lack of maturity thing and not a character flaw. I think it would make things awkward if you bring it up, but maybe she could learn something valuable if you did bring it up (in a nice way of course). I probably would prefer to be non-confrontational and just stop using her.

Also, I babysat a lot when I was a kid and I was probably the best when I was around 14-15 years old. Younger than that, and maybe I lacked maturity. Older than that, and I'd rather be socializing on the weekends than watching kids so I wasn't usually available to babysit.

I don't think I would bring this up to her at all. In the scheme of things, you may be lucky that nothing worse happened. The reality is that 12 year old children simply do not have the good judgement or life experience to make good choices about caring for themselves, let alone 2 small children.

God forbid something scary should happen, like a fire or one of the children choke or have a bad allergic reaction...would that little girl be able to act quickly and appropriately?

I think if it were me, I would let it go, and choose a mature sitter next time. Maybe a grandma in your neighborhood?

In my opinion, I would say that you simply make the choice not to use her again. If the question ever comes up from people at church or her parents then you tell the truth.
She was not watching your children, she was watching a movie.

You did nothing wrong and shouldn't need to be concerned. You're an adult and know what you want and what you don 't want in a sitter for your kids, AND you have eery right.
Good luck. The Mommie Mentor

Well, she is only 12. So I would just find a different sitter. 6 hours is alot for one so young.

I think confronting a twelve year old child would be a terrible mistake...and it could damage your relationship with her entire family. Not to mention the fact that you don't have SOLID proof of anything. You're going by the word of a five year old, after all. Not that she was lying, but it's certainly possible that she misunderstood something.

I think it all comes down to the fact that she's only twelve years old...not even a teenager. If you want someone more responsible/reliable, you should probably get an older sitter. Either that, or get a nanny-camera.

Hi M. -

I would explain to the sitter that her behavior is unacceptable. Tell her you know everyone makes poor choices at some time in their life, however, should she choose to repeat this behavior, she will no longer be your sitter and you will tell her parents why.

M.

If you like the girl and like the family, you could maybe have her watch the kids for no more than 2 hours max. She is very young but you already heard that. But here's a thought I should put in your head: Did you tell her she wasn't allowed to watch movies? I started with a new sitter last year who so far is working out, but from day one you have to say the very obvious: You can't have your boyfriend come over since your mom doesn't allow this, you can have whatever you want in the fridge except the beer. I told her when I was a teen I watched a great family with great kids, and made the mistake of having a guy come over (and inside the house) and I never saw the kids again. I told this to her...and she gets it. Lay down the ground rules first and then you can deal with the 'next time'. Good luck.

I have a 2 year old and a 5 year old and personally, I would NEVER leave them with a 12 year old! I think that is too young to handle kids the age of yours. She herself, is still a child. She is not yet a teen and can't forsee what your kids could get into.

I would just let it go and not use her to babysit any longer. Good luck.