my children have recently came into this whole attitude problem. they dont listen at home to me or their stepfather. we have taken their ds's away their favorite blankies even grounded them from tv. nothing is helping. we have even tried just talking to them. i need some help please somebody.
I will definately try some of these new suggestions. But to answer one of the moms that answered me, yes they do see thier biological father. But he only has enough time each month to see them for 2 days. According to my kidos he usually drops them off with their uncle so they can go to the "club" everytime they go to visit. As far as their stap dad goes they all get along great. He has honestly been more of a "dad" to them in the past year than their own father has been since they were born. They call him daddy, of thier own free will. It was not put there by anyone. But anytime it gets close to going to be around their father or even just running into him in town (we live in the same town) they just go crazy. Even the teachers at school have called after they have been around their father because they are being very dissruptive. And to the other moms that disagreed with me taking their blankies away, i do have one question. Dont you normally get gounded from your favorite things? I realize that it is a security to them but so am i. Its not like im taking away thier night light or anything like that. Im just curious, thats all. I thank everyone of you that have answered me.
My 8 year old TRIES this, and I react the way I remember worked with me. Horror. My mom would be (act) shocked at what I said, and say something along the lines of "what did you JUST say???" and I went into reevaluation mode fast! The world would stop until this issue was addressed. It stays with me today, at 40!
Generally, kids respond positively when their is some sort of structure and regularity to their lives or consistency, or validation to their feelings/concerns just thoughts and/or praised for just trying their best etc.
One thing, that is really helpful, (it may sound old fashioned but it does help)... is to have a regular, perhaps weekly or twice a month "family meeting." It doesn't have to be all "serious." But, do not use it to scold or blame any child or use it as a forum to just lecture "at" the kids.
Making it a nice family time... where you can all talk about what is on your minds... what as parents that Dad/Mom has to do, what is coming up, what are expectations for the week, how the kids can HELP and THEIR ROLE in it all... to designate chores or help around the house. To organize the family. If Dad for example needs to say fix something in the house or change the light-bulbs.. then he can have one of the kids "help him and therefore learn something fun/responsible at the same time. The KEY THING being... to make the family "meeting" something that is bonding for all... fun... productive AND that will make EVERYONE feel like a TEAM. Or you can make "lists" for what each child and even Mom and Dad is responsible for... and how that helps with the family.
Defining what "family" IS. That it is about everyone having each other's back and caring... and communicating openly, WITHOUT fear of being criticized or fought with or judged.
Another example is: instead of asking a child "What did you do today?", or "Did you behave today?"... ask the child INSTEAD "How did you help the family today...?" Do that consistently... and over time, it will change the construct of what "they" did versus what they did as a PART of something... maybe making them feel more proud of what they are doing... at home, IN the family.
I do that with my kids... it makes them think twice... and it makes them feel REAL proud that they did something for the family not just for themselves. BUT... no matter what the child does "for the family"... no matter how small or how big... you MUST be proud of them, even if they did not do it "perfectly." If you criticize them in this endeavor and life lesson, they will NOT want to do anything for the family, Mom, Dad, anymore. It will defeat them, and dishearten them, crushing their morale.
Kids also... get used to the world revolving around them.. but by this age, they also need to learn that they are a PART of the Family. They are not just living by themselves... they are a PART of something bigger. And.. if they want to be a part of the family, the HAVE TO be a part of it. Not just off doing whatever thing they want, without regard for their Parents.
Next, when you talk with them... have you just point blank asked them "why" they have such a bad attitude toward their Mom/Dad? Do they like their Step-Dad? Does he "like" them? Is the problem with him and them... or with you too? Was it always that way... or just when they had a Step-Dad? Sometimes kids "resent" step-parents... or that their Mom re-married... have you investigated that as well?
Maybe they are having trouble coping... with the changes in their family...
Or, do they still see their biological Dad? Is there any problems there?
Perhaps, they just feel that nothing matters... either. Sometimes, and as a kid myself... whenever I felt that NOTHING I did mattered, then it just made me more of a "brat." Or if I felt a parent was not really understanding me... or was just expecting me to be what THEY wanted me to be... or if I was just not heard. So.... in essence, a child gets apathetic. Then sassy and full of attitude. It is a sort of "rebellion" against the parents, when kids get like this. They do have a reason... even if it is deep down inside of them... and it is not pleasant.
The main thing, is to get to the ROOT of the problem....otherwise, punishments and grounding will not make a difference. And, they will just feel like nothing matters. They will get, or are already... just indifferent to it. Indifference being a feeling when someone just gives up, or does not care, anymore.
So, find out why... they are acting this way. If, you feel it is something beyond just "normal" developmental changes.
Still, a kid with attitude problems... is not tolerable nor acceptable.
Just some thoughts,
All the best,
Susan
i think that since they're 6 and 8, their way of communicating has pretty much been shaped. not the attitude part, but the "style of communication" that they've been receiving from their parents since they were babies..
Which may make it difficult for them to be receptive..and for you to get FAST results ...if you suddenly change the way you communicate with them. They're not going to buy it if..lets say..you suddenly speak with more empathy as opposed to your usual indignation (just giving an example, for the sake of argument - not saying it's true). Also not saying that you can't make an effort to change things with methods like Love & Logic..but it will be a slower process...because if they're not used to you wording things like, "It so sad... when you do etc." (a Love & Logic example), the kids are just going to look at you weird and think you're being phony. Again, it will work...but may take longer since your children are school age...not toddlers.
So regardless of what your history of communication-style...if you want QUICK results in regards to their attitude, I would suggest you look up Natural and Logical Consequences - there might be information on the internet. There's a book called, "Positive Discipline" or "Raising Respectful Kids in a Rude World" that has a whole section on Natural and Logical consequences.
With this method, you can provide an IMMEDIATE expectation, and an IMMEDIATE consequence that only happens naturally or logically (not a result of anything that YOU do or inflict upon your kids, but from THEIR OWN doing). The quickest way we all learn..is when we make our own mistakes. And your kids will realize that they are the only one responsible for their own outcome. NO ONE put upon them any consequences.But in life, there are consequences for every decision/action, good and bad...and it's a result of the choices that we make, no one elses. Even if it's something that may appear as harmless as a rude ATTITUDE. So hopefully, it will encourage your children to make good choices :)
Love and Logic is great advice. If you don't get around to reading up on it right away, I wanted you to be sure to try positive reinforcement. That age group responds well. Find something that they are doing RIGHT and notice it. It is easy to fall into a negative mode (which I know you are in because they are being punished a lot), but believe me, if you can transfer that mode to a positive one, and you will all be happier.
I think you've gotten good advice and I second the Love and Logic. It is a great resource. I use a phrase from the book with my son when he begins speaking with a disrespectful tone or whining voice-"I will be happy to talk with you when your voice sounds like mine." I, also, like the phrase,"I love you too much to argue with you about that." I use that when he just keeps on and on about something. The I suggest he go do something like play with his brother or do a puzzle. It keeps the situation from evolving into a big blowup. I love the idea of family meetings. I think it helps kids feel a part of the family and helps them with decision making. I was saddened by one thing you wrote. The part about taking away your children's favorite blankies. Comfort objects should never be used for punishment, in my opinion. Some items should be off limits. I think taking away a well loved object might upset a child so much they rebel even more. Good luck!
Taking away favorite things, especially security blankets makes them even more angry. They need to feel more secure; not less. I suggest you teach them by using natural consequences. What would naturally happen when they didn't listen? One idea is to not listen to them if they're talking back. Tell them that you expect such and such and leave the room.
My daughter uses two things: Her children are 6 and 9. One is "grounding." This means that they go to their room until they agree to do what they were asked to do. She sends them in a firm, calm voice, telling them that they can come out when they agree to do what she'd asked. If they've been disrespectful she tells them they can come out when they are able to apologize. The other thing that she does is to add another chore to the one they've refused to do.
It took several weeks of consistent application for the kids to learn that she meant business. Even tho they are allowed to play in their room they hate being sent there. Sometimes they don't mind doing a second chore. The key to success is to be unemotional, direct, and immediate.
The idea behind this is if you aren't being a part of the family by accepting your responsibilities and showing respect then you need to be by yourself to think about it.
She had tried time outs which did not work because they weren't able to sit in one place. Both kids are high energy and they focused on getting off the chair instead of changing their attitude/behavior.
Another thought about listening is to be sure to stop what you're doing, stoop down to their level and look them in the eye before starting to talk. And then develop a routine of staying focused on them and what they're doing until they get the job done. All too often it's easy to just tell them to do something and not be aware that they weren't really listening. You have to get their attention first. We have to train them to listen.
I would recommend getting & reading the book, "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk", by Faber & Mazlish. It was recommended to us by a Family Counselor & has helped w/our 4 kids. The same authors also wrote, "Siblings Without Rivalry".
All I can say is LOVE and LOGIC......great program will give you real tools to use with your kids. You will learn how to take care of you (imagine that) and how to get the kids to do what they need to do........
