Your daughter is not lazy. Please, please. This is the most important thing I can say to you, because throughout her life, that mindset is what has the potential to do her the most lasting harm. I completely, completely understand your frustration. Mornings makes me crazy, and I only have one toddler and one fiancé to worry about. BUT, again, please try to break the habit of thinking of your daughter as lazy, or incapable. She is not lazy. She has a diagnosed neurological disorder which makes her mind work in a very different way from yours, which makes abilities and decisions which you take for granted extremely difficult for her.
I’m not trying to make excuses for your daughter. Having ADD does not mean that she is incapable of taking control and responsibility of her life. It simply means that she may have to find alternative ways to achieve those things, and may have to rely on external aids like medication, talk or behavioral therapy, and coaching. I’m also not trying to jump all over you, your frustration is entirely understandable and probably justified. I only wanted to emphasize how incredibly important your attitude may be in shaping your daughter’s success in life.
I want to briefly tell you about myself. I have ADD, but was not diagnosed until adulthood, and I struggled constantly with all of the things that you mention about your daughter and more. I consistently tested well above my grade level, but barely scraped together acceptable grades. My parents were completely baffled at my behavior, and I came to believe the kind of things that you say about your daughter. I believed I was simply lazy and disorganized, as well as selfish and stupid. The message I absorbed was that if I only cared more and tried harder, I would be a better person, and stop making these mistakes. I wanted to do better every single day, but no system of threats and punishment, or rewards and praise, either from my parents (and trust me, they tried EVERYTHING) or from myself could push me into doing what needed to be done on a regular basis. By the time I was 25, I had essentially failed out of university, was underemployed, in debt, in a bad relationship, my self esteem was in the toilet, and I was researching how to commit suicide. Two things saved me. One was actually a post here on Mamasource, which first put the idea of ADD into my head and gave me hope that there may be an answer. The second was my son. I couldn’t leave him, especially not with out exploring every possible avenue for help. Now, after much hard work with a therapist and trial and error with different drug therapies, my life is on the right track. I am able to work full time, keep my house neat and clean, cook and bake regularly, keep the laundry caught up, and have the mental energy to be the best possible mother that I can be. Things that were so far beyond my abilities a short time ago, the most reasonable solution I could think of was suicide. I just want you to consider that the next time you are thinking of your daughter as lazy. Without the right ADD treatment, I found these everyday tasks so overwhelming and impossible, that I could conceive of killing myself more easily than I could conceive of something like doing the dishes every night. The largest hurdle to recovery has been low self esteem. That self image I developed that tells me that I’m a bad person, that I’m lazy, that I’m careless, that no matter what I try it’s never going to be good enough. Please do whatever is necessary to keep your daughter from getting to that point.
On a more practical note, all of the issues you bring up are directly related to your daughter’s disorder. It doesn’t sound like the treatment she has received has adequately addressed her symptoms. Is Concerta the first medication she’s tried? I don’t know from your post if the Concerta is effective for her during the day, but if it is, then perhaps you could just experiment with the dosing schedule (under the supervision of her doctor). Something that I, and many others, find helpful is to take medication about a half hour before I actually need to get up. If you could go in first thing, give her her pill, and then leave her to her own devices while you take care of whatever else, then by the time you came back to her, it may be easier to get and keep her focused. Medication is very much a trial and error kind of thing, until you find the drug and the dose and the timing that works the best. It is also worthwhile to switch to a doctor who has extensive experience with ADD if you are not already seeing one. An uninformed or prejudiced doctor (and there are a lot more than you can imagine) can do much more harm than no treatment at all. Organizational skills and other executive functions are not going to come naturally to her, and the methods that work for a typically functioning mind are not going to work for her, no matter how many times they are presented. Some kind of behavioral therapist or coach who is experienced in ADD can give suggestions and advice on what kind of strategies may help manage her symptoms and keep her on track. (For example, I take a book with me when I brush my teeth. Normally, 15 seconds is the absolute maximum time I can handle standing there doing something so repetitive. I don’t try to force myself to just stand there and do it because it’s important, or because I don’t want cavities, because telling myself those things won’t motivate me enough to make it happen. It just won’t. I simply do something I like at the same time and the problem is solved.) Medication alone is not enough to help her long term, and coping strategies will be especially important if she ever chooses or has to do without it. You may also want to talk to her doctor about her difficulties with mornings. Sleep disorders and ADD co-occur very frequently, and if she has so much trouble waking up there may be a reason.
The last thing I wanted to address was the lying. Lying isn’t a trait of ADD, but it is unfortunately a defense mechanism of sorts that many of us end up falling back on. Of course, it’s not acceptable for your daughter to lie to you, but getting to the bottom of why she’s doing it should go a long way towards eliminating it. Some possibilities I can think of off the top of my head: 1. A combination of social pressure and slow executive functioning – When someone asks you a simple question like “Did you take your medication?” they expect a more-or-less immediate answer. She may find herself giving an automatic answer before her brain has truly had time to process the question and come up with the correct response. Once you’ve said it, it can be embarrassing to admit that you were wrong and correct yourself. 2. She doesn’t remember, and either truly believes she has taken it, or chooses one or the other answer rather than admitting that she doesn’t know. ADD involves a short term memory deficit, and routine daily tasks like taking a pill or locking a door are easily forgettable. I might think about taking my one o’clock dose of medication, and literally 30 seconds later have no idea if I actually did it, or if I only thought about it. I can remember reaching into my purse to get it, but would not be able to tell you if what I remember happened a minute ago, or this morning, or yesterday, or last week. I have to quickly count my pills every time I take one to make sure that I am not missing or doubling a dose. 3. She forgot to take it and is ashamed to admit it. Don’t underestimate how painful it is, when you fail at tasks day after day, to have someone look at you in disappointment when they find that you’ve forgotten yet another thing. In all of these, the lie is not really so much about whether or not she took the pill, as it is about covering up deficiencies or shame and attempting to appear normal. Not that that makes the lying ok, but it could give you some idea of where to start addressing the problem. Last possibility is that she is deliberately lying to get out of taking it. If this is the case then you need to know why. Does she not like the way it makes her feel? Is she having bad side effects? Does she not see it making a difference? Again, there are many options out there besides Concerta, even if it is intolerable, something else may turn out to be perfect.
I’m sorry for the ridiculous length of this post, as you can see, you hit a bit of a nerve. You and your daughter have the benefit of a diagnoses in her childhood, giving her the opportunity to grow into an adult with the strategies and knowledge to build a successful life for herself already in place. Please help her by learning all you can about how to understand and work with an ADD mind, and encourage her to do the same. I highly recommend both of you join www.addforums.com, it is an incredible resource and online support group where you can get advice and information from a lot of knowledgeable people who have also been through this, both parents who are raising ADD children, and people of all ages who are struggling with ADD themselves and can provide personal insight into how your daughter’s mind might be working or what strategies have helped them. Please also feel free to contact me privately if there is anything you would like to discuss further.