At My Witts End...

Updated on May 17, 2009
H.L. asks from Marthasville, MO
31 answers

I am counting down the days till school's out!!! At least I won't have to push my older daughter so hard to get moving in the morning. She does have ADD and is currently taking concerta 36mg. She has always been a laid back girl and not really care how she looked (she never knew what clothes matched when she was little and she still doesn't at age 11!) UGH!!! I have been struggling getting her out the door for school. I have tried getting her up 30 minutes earlier, but that only works if I can get her out of bed. Then I end up waking up everyone else and then she's doesn't move any faster. One of her faults is she talks to her sisters and when she does this, she doens't get ready...she freezes still. I have tried telling EVERYONE not to talk till they are ready, but hey... that doesn't go over very well. As soon as I'm at one end of the house....there they go again. I have been horribly being her shadow, sitting in her room waiting for her to get dressed, to see where her problem was. She will be sitting down, starring into space, and I have to keep prompting her to get dressed. This will take about 10 min. If I'm not in the room it takes about 20min..just to get dressed. I still have to remind her to brush her teeth...or she won't. She hates the idea of taking showers too! It upsets her that she has to get clean. What's up with that? She has been "forgetting" to take her concerta on occassion as well. She lied to me the other morning when I asked if she took it, she said yeah....but funny thing was I didn't get it down from the med cabnit from her yet. When I asked where the bottle was she said on the table...I knew I had her and she couldn't deny it...:-) She admitted it ...she's a horrible lier. But besides the morning routine, the evening is just as bad. Some days better than others. She constantly says she can't do anything right. She feels overwhelmed I'm sure because she has to pick up her dirty clothes off the floor, take down her laundry basket (that she has been told to do for 3 days **numerous times each day, clear off desk so she can do her homework) It takes her a matter of 5 minutes to destroy her room, but weeks to clean it up. She keeps EVERYTHING..(until I come). I need HELP! I really don't want to up her meds unless necessary. I know part of her behavior is who she is. LAZY and disorganized. I want to say I have tried all I can before changing meds or do an increase. I know schoolwork was getting a litte harder for too. I have posted a list of things she is to do on a dry erase board in her room....that worked for all of about a week ...maybe. It just seems she doesn't care. Please Help...Thanks a bunch.

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E.S.

answers from Kansas City on

well I think its the meds making her slow since that is what they are designed to do. slow them down so they don't get hyper. Honestly I don't believe in medicating kids since ADD and ADHD is the most misdiagnosed disorder among kids. I would take her off the meds and try working with her on homework. My boyfriend's mom was told he had ADD when he was a kid since he was hyper and goofing off in class. all it really was was the fact he was bored with the work cause he already had it done.

But I understand about her not getting things done, I was horrible like that as a kid I took forever to get my room clean cause I hated doing it and hated being told to do it. Some kids need things explain in more detail because they don't grasp everything that you have told them especially if you talk fast. so try anything before uping the meds cause it could be the meds or i hate to say it it could be she doesn't have add but a form of depression since depression can make a person "lazy" and not interesed in things.

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J.A.

answers from Kansas City on

Set an egg timer for say... 30 mins. If she isn't dressed and ready to go by that time then she goes in what she has on... Pajama's! A day of being made fun of by her peers will likely put a stop to that. Congrats on being a SAHM.... it's incredibly draining some days!

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D.R.

answers from St. Louis on

I am having about the same problem as you are having. My daughter wakes up and tries to drag out the time so she can miss the bus. She has been waking up with a headache, stomach ache and dizziness. I've talked with my psyhciatrist and she said she sounds like she has anxiety. So my next visit I will take he in with me and see what she can find out. Sorry I couldn't help. D.

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K.B.

answers from Wichita on

Good Morning H., I know you are struggling it will get better at some point. Our boys were both ADD. The youngest would get up in the mornings ok, but was slow as a snail also to get ready. I told him when he was a lot older the only thing he did quickly was be born 11 days early...lol Been in slow down mode ever since. He's 32 and still moves slow when the mood strikes him.
Our eldest was a PAIN in the ole Keyster to get up, I tried hugs and kisses, pulling the record player ( yes a Record player) to the top of the stairs and put on the Music Machine. * Good Morning Good Morning Good Morning it's time to rise and shine, Good Morning Good Morning Good Morning, I hope your feeling fine, Get Up get up get out of bed, get up get up you sleepy head.. Anyway it could be real annoying...lol All he did was yell to turn it off. So it got louder...lol What finally worked but caused me more work was I got a water gun and sprayed the bugger, he come up out of that bed in a blink of an eye, and I ran!!!
The next day, I took the water gun back in with me and stood by his bed for a minute or two. He looked at me and glared and said Don't you dare spray me again. I said, Baby get up and I won't use this little ole squirt gun on you, But Hey Look I brought the Bigger Brother with me this time. And brought out the Tupperware Pitcher from behind my back. He Glared and started to yell and I let it FLY.......lol Yup I had to wash the sheets but the big bugger got up. I was homeschooling at that time, and Was NOT waiting until 10-11 am to start because he was to lazy to get his hinny out of bed.

Ok that's my getting out of bed tale, as for your other issues with your little girl H., I think it would be a good idea to see if you can take her to a child psychologist and let them talk to her. Most insurances will cover it, and some Dr. will even do an evaluation free first. We went that way and then we went for family counseling to help us all, figure out the why's of things.
End result was Mom was a push over and didn't want to be a take charge personality. That came from wanting to be their friend first, mom later and have fun with them, instead of acting like my own mom did. She could be brutal.

I think though we made it through ok, both of them are still living, I didn't maime anyone....lol

I would have your little girl see a child psychologist and see if they can help her figure out why she doesn't want to be clean, or brush her teeth etc... If you keep watching and pushing she will continue to do as she is, cause she knows in her own little way Mom is going to save her hinny. Sometimes even at this age they have to be made responsible for what they do or won't do. The Dr. can help you learn how to be the authority, yet do it with a calm head and firmness built in.

God Bless you H., I pray you all can work together to help your daughter be a better vital part of a awesome family.
K. Nana of 5

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M.B.

answers from St. Louis on

I would like to start out by asking, why is an 11 year in charge of taking this medication? She should not even have access to it unless its taking it from your hand. Her medication is YOUR responsibilty! So for starters, back off on the fight about her medicine, when its time for her to take, give it to her and watch her take it. So thats one fight down. Maybe try getting in the routine at night of helphing her pick out her outfit and do as much as you can at night so you dont have such fights in the morning when you are in a hurry. Please remember she is only 11 and having behavioral problem, all these demands and fights are going to overwhelm her, it overwhelmed me just reading it! Pick your battles and give her a break. Shes not just "forgetting", she has ADD, which is forgetting or getting side tracked! Since she does have this diagnosed problem, whether you like it or not, your going to have to take some more time out for her to make her problems better, not worse. She is your daughter, I know having children, especially with special needs can wear on you, but thats what we Moms sign up for. Good luck!

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J.W.

answers from St. Louis on

I am amazed to see the responders who belive ADHD is an excuse for everything. I have ADHD, all four of my kids have it. My older two did give themselves their meds since they were 6. Actually the second child got out her own meds since she was five. My younger two I give them their meds but it is because they are disorganized. They are disorganized because I have not had the time to help them develope a routine in the morning. It is my summer goal.

That H. is the key, getting them organized. I know you are trying but something is going wrong. You may want to consider a behavior therapist. They will actually come to your home and show you what you are doing wrong. Sometimes we enable behavior without realizing it.

The only thing I must strongly disagree with that I saw in other posts is, well she has ADD what do you expect. You expect to give her to skills to be a viable member of society. She can't do it on her own and ADD is no excuse. My oldest daughter just finished her freshman year at Xavier University with a 3.85. Do you think she could have done that if she had not developed the skills to keep herself organized? I work full time and take 18 hours a semester at Saint Louis University, I just finished my senior year and carry a 3.5. People laugh at my day runner and neon sticky notes. Still no one can argue that it doesn't work.

So my advice for school work is sticky notes, the brighter the better. My textbooks have them popping out all over the place. I can't take notes and I would bet your daughter can't as well. You write a little note to remind yourself why you put it in there and stick it on the page of the textbook you need to study. Works just as good as notes but leaves you the time to listen to the teacher. I would bet she is a kinesthetic learner. If not you need to learn her learning style.

Dry erase board!! Bright colored markers!! Dry erase calendar! Let her doodle, let her take ownership of her actions. Talk to her teacher about doing her homework on a computer. If the teacher says yes make sure she is not playing online. If she gets a set amount of homework done let her play online. Don't expect her to do all her homework at once.

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J.H.

answers from Kansas City on

Your daughter is not lazy. Please, please. This is the most important thing I can say to you, because throughout her life, that mindset is what has the potential to do her the most lasting harm. I completely, completely understand your frustration. Mornings makes me crazy, and I only have one toddler and one fiancé to worry about. BUT, again, please try to break the habit of thinking of your daughter as lazy, or incapable. She is not lazy. She has a diagnosed neurological disorder which makes her mind work in a very different way from yours, which makes abilities and decisions which you take for granted extremely difficult for her.
I’m not trying to make excuses for your daughter. Having ADD does not mean that she is incapable of taking control and responsibility of her life. It simply means that she may have to find alternative ways to achieve those things, and may have to rely on external aids like medication, talk or behavioral therapy, and coaching. I’m also not trying to jump all over you, your frustration is entirely understandable and probably justified. I only wanted to emphasize how incredibly important your attitude may be in shaping your daughter’s success in life.
I want to briefly tell you about myself. I have ADD, but was not diagnosed until adulthood, and I struggled constantly with all of the things that you mention about your daughter and more. I consistently tested well above my grade level, but barely scraped together acceptable grades. My parents were completely baffled at my behavior, and I came to believe the kind of things that you say about your daughter. I believed I was simply lazy and disorganized, as well as selfish and stupid. The message I absorbed was that if I only cared more and tried harder, I would be a better person, and stop making these mistakes. I wanted to do better every single day, but no system of threats and punishment, or rewards and praise, either from my parents (and trust me, they tried EVERYTHING) or from myself could push me into doing what needed to be done on a regular basis. By the time I was 25, I had essentially failed out of university, was underemployed, in debt, in a bad relationship, my self esteem was in the toilet, and I was researching how to commit suicide. Two things saved me. One was actually a post here on Mamasource, which first put the idea of ADD into my head and gave me hope that there may be an answer. The second was my son. I couldn’t leave him, especially not with out exploring every possible avenue for help. Now, after much hard work with a therapist and trial and error with different drug therapies, my life is on the right track. I am able to work full time, keep my house neat and clean, cook and bake regularly, keep the laundry caught up, and have the mental energy to be the best possible mother that I can be. Things that were so far beyond my abilities a short time ago, the most reasonable solution I could think of was suicide. I just want you to consider that the next time you are thinking of your daughter as lazy. Without the right ADD treatment, I found these everyday tasks so overwhelming and impossible, that I could conceive of killing myself more easily than I could conceive of something like doing the dishes every night. The largest hurdle to recovery has been low self esteem. That self image I developed that tells me that I’m a bad person, that I’m lazy, that I’m careless, that no matter what I try it’s never going to be good enough. Please do whatever is necessary to keep your daughter from getting to that point.
On a more practical note, all of the issues you bring up are directly related to your daughter’s disorder. It doesn’t sound like the treatment she has received has adequately addressed her symptoms. Is Concerta the first medication she’s tried? I don’t know from your post if the Concerta is effective for her during the day, but if it is, then perhaps you could just experiment with the dosing schedule (under the supervision of her doctor). Something that I, and many others, find helpful is to take medication about a half hour before I actually need to get up. If you could go in first thing, give her her pill, and then leave her to her own devices while you take care of whatever else, then by the time you came back to her, it may be easier to get and keep her focused. Medication is very much a trial and error kind of thing, until you find the drug and the dose and the timing that works the best. It is also worthwhile to switch to a doctor who has extensive experience with ADD if you are not already seeing one. An uninformed or prejudiced doctor (and there are a lot more than you can imagine) can do much more harm than no treatment at all. Organizational skills and other executive functions are not going to come naturally to her, and the methods that work for a typically functioning mind are not going to work for her, no matter how many times they are presented. Some kind of behavioral therapist or coach who is experienced in ADD can give suggestions and advice on what kind of strategies may help manage her symptoms and keep her on track. (For example, I take a book with me when I brush my teeth. Normally, 15 seconds is the absolute maximum time I can handle standing there doing something so repetitive. I don’t try to force myself to just stand there and do it because it’s important, or because I don’t want cavities, because telling myself those things won’t motivate me enough to make it happen. It just won’t. I simply do something I like at the same time and the problem is solved.) Medication alone is not enough to help her long term, and coping strategies will be especially important if she ever chooses or has to do without it. You may also want to talk to her doctor about her difficulties with mornings. Sleep disorders and ADD co-occur very frequently, and if she has so much trouble waking up there may be a reason.

The last thing I wanted to address was the lying. Lying isn’t a trait of ADD, but it is unfortunately a defense mechanism of sorts that many of us end up falling back on. Of course, it’s not acceptable for your daughter to lie to you, but getting to the bottom of why she’s doing it should go a long way towards eliminating it. Some possibilities I can think of off the top of my head: 1. A combination of social pressure and slow executive functioning – When someone asks you a simple question like “Did you take your medication?” they expect a more-or-less immediate answer. She may find herself giving an automatic answer before her brain has truly had time to process the question and come up with the correct response. Once you’ve said it, it can be embarrassing to admit that you were wrong and correct yourself. 2. She doesn’t remember, and either truly believes she has taken it, or chooses one or the other answer rather than admitting that she doesn’t know. ADD involves a short term memory deficit, and routine daily tasks like taking a pill or locking a door are easily forgettable. I might think about taking my one o’clock dose of medication, and literally 30 seconds later have no idea if I actually did it, or if I only thought about it. I can remember reaching into my purse to get it, but would not be able to tell you if what I remember happened a minute ago, or this morning, or yesterday, or last week. I have to quickly count my pills every time I take one to make sure that I am not missing or doubling a dose. 3. She forgot to take it and is ashamed to admit it. Don’t underestimate how painful it is, when you fail at tasks day after day, to have someone look at you in disappointment when they find that you’ve forgotten yet another thing. In all of these, the lie is not really so much about whether or not she took the pill, as it is about covering up deficiencies or shame and attempting to appear normal. Not that that makes the lying ok, but it could give you some idea of where to start addressing the problem. Last possibility is that she is deliberately lying to get out of taking it. If this is the case then you need to know why. Does she not like the way it makes her feel? Is she having bad side effects? Does she not see it making a difference? Again, there are many options out there besides Concerta, even if it is intolerable, something else may turn out to be perfect.
I’m sorry for the ridiculous length of this post, as you can see, you hit a bit of a nerve. You and your daughter have the benefit of a diagnoses in her childhood, giving her the opportunity to grow into an adult with the strategies and knowledge to build a successful life for herself already in place. Please help her by learning all you can about how to understand and work with an ADD mind, and encourage her to do the same. I highly recommend both of you join www.addforums.com, it is an incredible resource and online support group where you can get advice and information from a lot of knowledgeable people who have also been through this, both parents who are raising ADD children, and people of all ages who are struggling with ADD themselves and can provide personal insight into how your daughter’s mind might be working or what strategies have helped them. Please also feel free to contact me privately if there is anything you would like to discuss further.

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J.P.

answers from St. Louis on

H.,

Before I became a stay at home mom I worked as a teacher at Churchill (a school for children with learning disabilities including ADD)They are having a speaker on October 8th. His name is Dr. Ed Hallowell and the topic is "Superparenting for ADD: An Innovative Approach to Raising Your Distracted Child." Maybe this would provide some useful ideas for you and your daughter. You can get more information from the school - they often have great workshops and speakers. The number is ###-###-#### ext. 260 or you can go to their website at www.churchillstl.org

Best wishes.

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J.H.

answers from Kansas City on

Dear H.:
I have a 22 year old son with multiple DX including ADD/ADHD. I do understand your frustration, and loss of patience, but, from experience, I can tell you that your child is not trying to make your life miserable. Children with ADD have a neuro-developmental disorder--her brain is "wired" in a non-typical manner, and she does not respond to the world in a typical way. But, I am not telling you that this is a "bad" thing--it is just that she deals with the world in a different way. Your daughter does not wake up in the morning because she has, on the previous day, run at a break-neck speed ALL DAY--she is exhausted! Kids with ADD need about 10-12 hours of sleep a night. My best response for you is ROUTINE--she needs to have a scheduled routine, 7 days a week--something that she can depend on, as far as waking, dressing, etc. Yes, even on weekends. Routines help children with ADD relax a bit because they know what to expect. Clothing--it was a blessing for us when my son went to uniforms at school. There was no discussion, no guesswork--you wore your uniform--again, a routine. If your school does not wear uniforms, then, maybe you need to adapt a specific group of clothing to fit a routine-- for example, polo shirts and twill pants, and make sure you are limited in color options, so that if she mixes things up, they still match. Or, you could have a specific outfit for a specific day and put the clothing for that day on a labeled hanger (TUESDAY). She may not appear to care about the way she looks, but, feed her a compliment or two about her hair, or her shoes, or whatever, and I bet she responds positively. Also, she is not lazy but she probably is disorganized. Organization is something allusive to kids with ADD--you need to help. Everything in her room needs a place to belong, and there need to be rules (a type of routine) about where things go. Organizers in closets, for toys etc. will help (we had a "pet net" where all the stuffed animals lived!) Organization is a type of routine, as well. As far as following directions--kids with ADD have a hard time following directions with more than 2 steps--please, drop you directions to two steps (go in your room--get your shoes that's two steps.) More than that and she will get into her room and wonder why she was in there, because her brain did not process all of the steps. It's ok, that happens to many people. But that is part of the reason why organization is so important--if shoes have 1 place, and 1 place only that they stay, then, when you send her into her room to get shoes, she will know where they are, and will not waste time looking for them. We always had a plastic basket by the door--school shoes, book bag, and coat ALL went into the basket, because that is where they belonged! Then, the next morning, or at homework time, they were easy to find! As far as the lying--she is really not remembering what she did, and has learned to tell you what she thinks you want to hear, really just trying to please or cover for herself because she truly doesn't remember, but is embarrassed to say so--she really does want to please you. What about a chart with a velcro sticker for morning meds--She comes in and takes her med and then moves the velcro sticker from the "not taken" to taken" spot on the chart--then, nobody has to remember anything, because the chart says it was done! Then, at the end of the day before bed, one of the "night-time routines" can be to reset the med chart for the next day. There are ways to put some resolution to some of the frustrations you both are feeling; my guess is that you just haven't had anyone to talk with that shares the experience.
In addition to raising my son, I am in the information, resource and outreach specialist for the Missouri Developmental Disabilities Resource Center, located at the Institute for Human Development at UMKC. We have a couple of free programs that might be helpful for you, including resource packets on ADD and trained mentors that can share experiences, answer questions, and help you through the rough spots. Please feel free to give me a call at ###-###-#### or 800-444-0821. You can find us on the web at www.moddrc.org I look forward to hearing from you-- BTW, you might be surprised at what my son does for a living as a grown adult--ask me about it! Sincerely, J. Hatfield-Callen

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K.B.

answers from St. Louis on

First of all, let me say this sounds all too familiar. My 4th child also has ADD and is on Concerta & I am a mom of 5. He (age 10)actually has a self-created routine in the morning. He dresses himself immediately when he wakes up---even down to his shoes. He also wakes on his own BECAUSE he knows that if he wants to have time for the fun stuff (TV, computer, DS...) he has to wake in time and be ready before he can play. If he doesn't complete these tasks, he will not have time to have any fun before school. I still have to set out his pill next to his breakfast, and I often have to remind him to take it. This week/year in school has been especially challenging!

Regarding your daughter's style & personal care, I still battle w/my 12-year-old daughter on this. With her older sisters, the desire for appropriate appearance kicked in around 7th grade...

I try not to think of my ADD son as lazy. His brain is wired differently, and we need to discover/devise coping skills. He also used to think he did everything wrong because EVERYONE was always harping on him. A thought just occurred to me - have you ever tried turning it around and rewarding your daughter when she is successful?

I have spoken to several moms whose ADD kids are in college, and they have told me that sometimes life is "two steps forward, two steps back". These kids are so special and can do wonderful things if we help them learn to cope, continue to be their advocates and celebrate their unique talents.

Hang in there, mother of 5. There's a lot to get through, but hang on to the joy. I'm looking back wondering how my oldest is "suddenly" 18!

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C.L.

answers from Kansas City on

This probably won't help much, but I'm 27.5 and I have ADHD and I'm the same way in many ways! I take a shower etc... but if I know I'm going to be home all day, I won't. When I do laundry, it takes forever, I always end up forgetting about it, unless I'm washing something I need, or can't find something then realize, oh duh, in the washer... Sadly I'm very scattered brained, and procrastinate way to much! I just started school in April, and am getting ready to start taking Adderol (however you spell it). I'm HOPING this well help, not just with the school work, but at home too... All I can say, is just keep on her, and remind her. As much of a pain as it is, if my Mom didn't do that to me constantly, I'd be lost! Not sure if it's an ADHD/ADD thing, or maybe we are just alike, but just try and keep on here, in the end, she'll thank you ; )

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C.F.

answers from St. Louis on

try telling her since she doesnot want to get up in the morning maybe its because she is not resting enough and she is going to have an earlier bedtime if she is diong it to get on your nerves she will stop because she wont want to go to bed earlier my son is a sleepy head in the morning he likes me to take extra time with him if she gets up with less arguments reward her extra hugs and kisses it makes a difference he wakes up best if i rub his back or legs he has alot of growing pains in them he says it makes them feel better he just wakes up in a better mood i myself hate mornings so hope some of my ideas help

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G.A.

answers from Joplin on

I have a grandson with ADD which is 9 years old. His mother has him layout his articles for school the evening before. Has helped tremendously. Also uses precise, short comments when talking with him about chores and so on. Children with ADD tend to forget things as soon as 5 minutes after being told something. He gets dressed first thing in the am before leaving his room, it took some time for him to adjust to this but it is working great for them now. It also helps to have the other children simply say when a coversation is started to reply, lets get dressed first then we will talk about it. It is an extra effort for others in the household but after she settles in to this process, things go so much faster for everyone involved. These children do not choose to have ADD so it is up to us to help them learn ways to cope with it and adjust to simple everyday chores and demands. Good luck, hope you can get a routine worked otu for her, it will be much smoother sailing for her to as they get easily frustrated with themselves at time. Patience is a virtue when dealing with these blessed children.

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R.

answers from Columbia on

Have you heard about Dr. Kevin Leman? He has a book that is called Have a new kid by Friday. I haven't read it, but I overheard him speaking at a women's conference and he sounded awesome. He had some great tips. I think he also has other DVD programs or books. They have some really great reviews.

Link is provided:http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item...

I wish you the best of luck. I have an 11, almost 12 year old that has some of the same problems, just not as severe. She needs multiple reminders/incentives to "remember" to get her chores done. One thing that has worked for us is she has a list/chore chart of what has to be done when. If at some point she asks " Cna I go play? or Can I go here/there, or to some other activity. the first thing I say to her is do you have your stuff done. If the answer is no then she doesn't get the priviledge of doing what the rest of us are doing.

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J.C.

answers from Kansas City on

Well, I don't have a cure-all for you, but have you thought about having her get dressed the night before and just sleep in her clothes? That's what I do with my daughter and it has made mornings SOOoooo much easier. Of course, if she's going to wear jeans in the morning, she wears pajama pants. But shirt, underwear & socks are already on when she gets up in the AM.

Also, they say the best way to get kids to do things is to build it into their routine so it becomes a habit. We are working on that with our daughter too-- she already takes her shoes off as soon as she comes in the door and now we're working on emptying her backpack before she hangs it up. Maybe you could work on one habit a month. Instead of putting her clothes on the floor when she takes them off, put a laundry basket in her room, have her stand by it and as soon as she takes it off, it goes in the basket instead of on the floor. Help her organize her desk so there's "a place for everything" and as soon as she's done with homework, she puts it all in its place. Just take one thing at a time and when that becomes a habit, move on to the next thing. A timer and a reward chart might go a long way toward getting her to move faster (get dressed before the timer goes off and you'll add 30min of TV time, or something like that).

Try not to hound her too much. My mom did that with my youngest sister (now 22) and she really has a hard time getting motivated on her own because my mom was always there telling her when and how to do everything. She never really learned how to be self-motivated or how to figure things out for herself because my mom was always there telling her step-by-step how to do everything. Give your daughter some room to figure things out for herself and I promise she will.

It sounds like she's not interested in doing things just to please you, in fact, she may be doing things to "get back" at you for prompting her. Maybe try NOT pushing her for a while. Only give her praise and affection for a few weeks (really pile it on), let her live with the natural consequences of not brushing teeth or going to school in her pj's and see if she starts to do things on her own, for her own sake. I know my sister always felt like she couldn't do anything right because my mom was constantly hovering over her and telling her how to do things. And that essentially TELLS a kid that they can't do anything right-- mom's got to tell me how to do everything, so I must not be able to do things right by myself.

I wish you the best of luck and a truck-load of patience. And as a side-note, my room was a complete mess the whole time I was growing up, and I'm actually not too bad at keeping things clean as an adult. So don't set your expectations too high on that one. In the grand scheme of things, that's not all that important.

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T.N.

answers from Kansas City on

Oh Mama! I really feel for you and hope that you are able to take a nice deep breath and start fresh. I can hear your frustration and I'm sure your daughter and family can sense it too.

There's a website that's helped me create routines for my home and family - www.flylady.net. It's full of resources and positive thinking, the positive thinking may be why I like it most! They also have a coordinating site specifically for kids that you may want to check out.

I didn't grow up with routine, so I've had to forcefully create it as an adult. Give your daughter a great gift - help her learn to control her life and help her create positive habits now so she doesn't have to struggle so much when she's older and out of your infuence.

Also, I would encourage you not to test her with questions that promote lying. You said she's a horrible lier - don't you want to keep it that way? If you know she hasn't taken her meds, just smile and tell her "we always get your medication in the morning, here you go..." and hand it to her. Encourage her. Help her equate positive feelings to the routine.

And don't forget to give her lots of hugs and eye contact and reassurance. There's a great book called "How to Really Love your Child" it's an oldy, but a goodie. It will likely reinforce many of the things you already do.

Chances are, your daughter's just as much at her witts end as you are... (I don't know about you, but I hate it MOST when I'm frustrated with myself!) You have the opportunity to teach her to forgive herself of her own shortcomings and teach her to let that motivate her to improve.

Hang in there! Just keep lovin' on her and looking for the right breakthru - you'll eventually find what works for you.

T.

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S.H.

answers from St. Louis on

I agree that ADD children require "different methods". Part of living with ADD is learning to adapt & make changes in the world to accommodate & enable success.

ADD kids have to create a world around them in which they can succeed....which can be challenging to their parents & siblings. Their brains are hardwired differently, they are not lazy...simply unable to comprehend what you are telling them...unable to find the impetus to actually move. Stupid, lazy, loser, oh god why are you doing this?, why aren't you moving?......are all phrases that cause more harm than good.

& if you think about it: yes, mornings are going to be your most difficult time....because that next pill has not entered the bloodstream yet! & I agree with the other posters: do not let your child handle her own meds!!

Heading in a different direction: what time does she go to sleep? Is she getting a full 8-10 hours sleep? Actually 10 is the better number. & as she hits preteen, the sleep will increase.....& when you add in menstrual issues, wow... I really hope you find peace soon! Since you've tried so many methods & seem so distressed, it really sounds as if it's time to see a counselor. As teenhood kicks in, life is only going to get harder.

One more thought: is your child engaged & involved in any extracurricular activities? Having too much to do OR none at all will also impact her ability to cope. Is this a factor for her? ......lots to think about, but seriously I would start with professional help. They know how to pull success out of people!

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C.W.

answers from Kansas City on

H.,
You have already received some GREAT advice on the typical ADD info. I am hopeful that this info might be different piece of your "puzzle".

My son has ADD/ADHD and asthma and is 16 yrs old.

Two things have made a HUGE difference for him:
1) We have eliminated milk that has hormones in it (Roberts milk is good).
This one thing eliminated almost all use of his inhaler!! :o)

2) We eliminated RED DYE #40. (It is a “Brain-OFF trigger for him!)

We found when he ingests anything with this ingredient it affected his focusing.
(When we realized it: He had drank something with Red Dye #40 in it, afterwards I asked him nicely 5 different times to pick up something... he finally looked at me after the first 3 times and asked "Mama, I know you needed me to do something, but i can't remember what you asked, could you tell me again?" So i told him again. He took about 10 steps, turned and asked AGAIN... he was almost shameful about it! He said "Mama, what was it you asked me again? I just CAN'T remember what it was!" (So frustrated with HIMSELF!) (Since then, HE can tell if he has mistakenly ingested it! He does NOT LIKE how it makes him FEEL!!)

MANY CHILDREN (AND ADULTS ALIKE) have what are referred to as "Food Sensitivities" {FS} [like an allergy, but affects each person DIFFERENTLY] For my son: Red Dye #40 = MAJOR Short-Circuits his brain!!! Hormones in milk = ASTHMA TRIGGER....

H., we learned how POWERFUL food is AND how DESTRUCTIVE additives are! Please research this subject. What you may find, might help you AND your family:

Giving already developmentally-challenged child additives, such as those found in processed foods these days, can be "self-sabotage". It is like trying to run a car on gas and syrup ... it not only doesn't function well, but eventually it "gums up everything inside of the engine."

(One of my friends, since discovering what the additives do to her child, has adopted this rule: If the food has more than about 6 ingredients, it is too much for her 6 yr old daughter. This ONE rule has OPENED her daughter's world for her! She is more responsive, more attentive, speaks clearer, awakens easier... etc.etc,etc.!!!

Hang in there H.... Your daughter's "Puzzle has many pieces" and as you become a "Detective" you too will discover more of her "Brain-Off-Triggers".

Blessings & Joy,
C.
www.TeamOfHearts.com

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S.R.

answers from St. Louis on

Unfortunately there is no "How to" book for mothering and the first one is the hardest....kind of like a test run, definitely your lesson child. You must learn to pick your battles, be consistant and use positive reinforcement (catch her being good and doing the right things). Pick ing your battles is so very important. Does she need to be clean, Yes, without a doubt, but does she need to shower every day, that depends on what she does that day. If it is important to you that she is coordinated, then put together her outfits on hangers. One outfit per hanger. That will make her choices easier, and make dressing in the morning easier. Are you expeciting too much? Seriously think about this child and decide what you can let go of and then do. Is it life threatening if she is not perfectly dressed? No. Make her room easier for her to clean. Catch her being/doing good and praise her for that. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar...sooo true. Remember, she is only 11, but if you keep your relationship with her a battle field, you lose in so very many ways and not only with this child, but with the others. What do you have to lose if you chose a more positive approach and easing up on your expectations of what you think your daughter needs to be and what kind of a mother you should be? Peace and positive reinforcement will go so much farther than stress, strife and butting heads. I am the mother of 5. Been where you are and learned through trial and error....mostly error, like you are doing and not only was I at my witts end, but it was hell for years, until I learned the principles I told you about. Parenting is not easy, but it can be a lot easier and more rewarding than what you are doing now.

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E.C.

answers from Kansas City on

hi,
im sorry you are having a problem with your daughter, but coming from a parent of a child with adhd and having severe adhd myself, your daughter is not lazy. she feels over whelmed at the smallest things, and get distracted very easily. Im sure a part of it is paassive aggressiveness too. What i have doen wiht myself and my children is alarm clocks. Lots of them. i have a big problem wiht time managment. I have 3 alarm clocks. to make sure i get out of bed. and it works. I set one for 15 minutes before i get up, one for when i am supposed to get up, and one for 10 min after i get up, all with snooze buttons, all on the other side fdo the room, so i have to get out of bed to turn them off. in addition, i have a watch with an alarm, set to the time i need to leave the house to catch the bus, and it also chirps on the hour every hour to help me noti ce the passage of time. I had the same problem with my daughter with the getting dressed before school too. I told her three times to go get dressed, but she was being stubborn,wouldnt listen or forgot(easily doen when u have adhd)and i got tired of it so i sent her to school in her pajamas. twice. (you'd think she's learn form the first time)both times i called the school to let them know. the second time i sent her, her teacher asked her y she was in her pj's ( i had already informed her)and amber said "becaseu my mommy thought it was pajama day" lol. any how, i suggest you try the alarm clocks and make her be respobsible for her self, if she isnt, she needs to live with her own consequences. and my the way, dont worry about her fashion sense. Let her wear what she does and she'll learn on her own or from her friends or she will have developed coping skills. one less stress on u.good luck!! and btw, make sure she has a very structured enviroment for the summer of she will find somthting to amuse herself, not always a good way either. :)

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S.W.

answers from St. Louis on

Sorry for the length of this, but I've copied an e-zine article. This has been very helpful for me to keep my cool when dealing with 'undesireable behaviors' in my son. (He is also pretty lazy, and messy!)

The most important idea for me was: instead of saying 'he never...' I say (even if just to myself) 'someday he will...' or 'he is learning to...' then I relax a bit and hold out hope.
Just my two cents... Here's the article:

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

Got Community?
The Attraction Parenting PATH Program
provides support AND a global community
of leading-edge parents. Find out more:
http://www.enjoyparenting.com/path/info

:: Riding Coattails ::

When practicing the Art of Unconditionality,
hopefulness and optimism can help you make peace
with unwanted conditions and behavior. You can talk
yourself into a more optimistic groove by "riding the
coattails" of past successes -- yours or others'.

Suppose your child is taking a long time to fall
asleep, and you're feeling frustrated. Instead of
thinking, "He's *never* going to fall asleep," which
makes you feel worse, recall past situations that
turned out well: "He *always* falls asleep eventually,
and there *have* been times when he went out like a
lightbulb."

Then focus on your own experience: "I've handled
challenges like this before... I'm good at waiting
when I relax into it... Some of my most satisfying
experiences involved a lot of waiting, and I've always
said it was worth the wait..." Etc.

A feeling of relief will wash over you as you release
resistance and make peace with What Is.

Paradoxically, outer conditions and behaviors are more
likely to change once you no longer "need" them to.

http://dailygroove.net/riding-coattails
See also:
http://www.scottnoelle.com/parenting/unconditional.htm

--> Get The Daily Groove BOOK!
http://www.enjoyparenting.com/book

Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2009 by Scott Noelle

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L.B.

answers from St. Joseph on

My aunt went through this with her youngest and it was an utter nightmare. I would highly recommend getting her into counseling and also doing family counseling as to how to better handle the situation.

It also sounds to me like she may have some ODD (Oppostional Defient Disorder)? It may be worth checking into or maybe it's just this version of meds she's on. I know Megan would do well on some and then start to plateau and go through this rebellion stage and they'd have to switch out meds all over again...I would recommend contacting her Dr. and discussing further options...maybe even journaling what is going on for a week or so, so then you have a written log of what has been asked, failed to do, and so forth...not so much a "gang up" on the kiddo but just the facts in black and white...much harder to argue with that. Good luck and keep us posted on what happens!

J.B.

answers from Kansas City on

Love & Logic!!! She's old enough to understand the consequences of her actions. Stop monitoring her. Because of her ADD, she'll need a little bit of help, but you need to sit down with her tonight and tell her that you love her and want what's best for her and that's why your no longer going to nag her about anything. Let her know that it won't be long before she'll be working at a job or something where you won't be there to bug her about getting things done. She needs to start taking responsibility for herself. Tell her what you expect - we will be leaving the house at 8am. Let me know what you need from me to help make this happen. You will use an alarm clock to wake up in the morning. If you aren't out of bed by 7am, I will open your door and turn on your light as a reminder. If you aren't out of the shower by 7:15am, I will knock and let you know what time it is. If you aren't finished with breakfast by 7:30am, I will remind you of the time. Five minutes before it's time to leave, I will give you a five minute warning. We will be leaving the house sharply at 8am. Whoever is not in the car at that time, will not be going with us (This will work for your 10 year old as well). If you are not ready to leave at that time, I will come back for you after I've gotten the other kids to school on time. If you are tardy, you will have to face the consequences. Read Love & Logic and it will help you with all of these issues. Good luck!

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C.P.

answers from Topeka on

My suggestions are simple, not easy, but simple. Clear expectations(written) and natural consequences that you stick to. My daughter lost privileges for every one of the expectations (written) she failed to do. No TV, playstation...whatever is of value, will remind her of the value to be responsible. She went to school without hair combed and without breakfast many times and had nothing to do after school like the other kids before she got it. The most important thing is to make sure she understands the plan and stick to it. Then reward her socks off when she gets it.

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R.M.

answers from Topeka on

H.....I hear the frustration in your letter...and I am sorry that things seem so difficult for you.
My first suggestion is to stop "expecting" her to react to things like a non-ADD child would..because she has been diagnosed with this syndrome and you are going to need to make adjustments in what you expect and how you do things with her.
I have never had to deal with an ADD or ADHD child, so I do not know what would work best but there are doctors and therapists out there who DO know. I know that they learn and do things in their own unique way and you are butting your head against a stone wall if you are trying to force her to do things the " normal" way.
First of all, I would not have HER in charge of taking her medicine. This is a Class II drug, it is considered as powerful as a narcotic...and she should never ever have access to that bottle of medication on her own. Don't try and "trap" her in a lie...( it may not be a lie...maybe she MEANT to take the medicine and simply got distracted by something else and forgot). get into a daily routine of spending a few minutes with her, one on one...have her take her medicine and then sit at the table and just visit for a few minutes with her. This will make taking her medicine a much more pleasant and positive experience for both of you. And by visiting and talking with her for a few minutes you know that the medicine has really been taken.
Don't expect her to do her homework all by herself...you or Dad sit down and work with her, in a quiet area of your home that is free from distractions. It is your job to lead your little girl through this minefield that we call ADD and help her find her way to being the most wonderful and fulfilling life she can have.
I don't know how to say this without seeming unkind but I think you should stop and think about how you are looking at your little girl. (And I am saying this from personal experience...I helped raise my step son who is now in his 40's and he was SO challenging...I spent so much time reacting to the things he was doing ( or not doing!!) and saying...that I barely had time to think about the GOOD things about him...) You don't like the clothes she wears, you have to fight with her every morning before school, she lies to you, she is "lazy" ....stop looking at her cup as half empty...start seeing it as half full!!! You need to start praising her...giving her positive input...don't make her feel lazy and useless or why should she strive to be anything else? She is already struggling with self imagine issues...don't you think she has trouble with her classmates and school and her teachers because of the ADD? Let home be a haven of love and care and support..a safe, loving place to be.
I understand how stressful this is for you...as I said, I have been there, with my step son. But tell yourself every night that you are helping your children to prepare themselves for a life as an adult when you won't be there to guide them anymore.
Love them...look at each of them as individuals and praise them everyday for the things in their lives that they do. Before you know it they will be grown and out on their own...and living the life that you helped prepare them for!!!
R. Ann

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S.W.

answers from St. Louis on

Hi H., don't know if this will work for you but it has worked for us. We are taking a parenting class at our church called Parenting on Purpose and the guy that does the books and the videos is Bob Barnes (I think!). But one of the things that we learned was to not hound them in the morning. We let our girls know that they would be told once that it was time to get up and get their stuff done by 6:30 am. If it's not done, then they go to bed an hour ealy that night. I still have to comb my girls' hair, so I also throw in that if they are not ready to have hair done by 6:30 then they go to school without having their hair done (one has hair to her waist). She went to school once like that. It may take a while but set up a plane - dressed, bed made, clothes in hamper by X time or bed early. Tell them this rule and stick by it - make if for all your kids. Be ready to battle and be ready or some long mornings. You may also check out a book by Kevin Leman (sp), he has a book Have a New Kid by Friday, you can get it at Christian book stores. Not sure how this will work a kid with ADD, but from the couple that I do know their parents always said a good routine is the key. Good luck!!

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K.B.

answers from St. Louis on

I agree with many of the comments but I believe maybe the meds are what is slowing her down but I am not well versed in this area but worked with a lady that studied the brain and she always suggests many options before meds. I will share one that I am partial to and believe helps with concentration is a supplement by Nordic Naturals - Omega 3*6*9 Lemon taste, Childrens DHA - strawberry taste or Nordic-Omega-3 gummies tangerine treats. I have purchased these at Whole Foods and the great thing as I was searching for one that my girls would take there return policy was amazing, as they would let me return if kids didn't like it.
I might also suggest some Arbonne Seasource detox products -because add/austistic children are sick because there bodies are overloaded with Toxins that can be removed if we as parents are given the right tools.
Please contact me if you want additional information
K. B

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H.H.

answers from Kansas City on

My SIL has a picture schedule for her daughter with ADD/Autism. Because they have a busy schedule, she has the pictures in order of events that will happen that day so every morning she can look at it and know what to expect for her routine because she doesn't take change well and if she doesn't know ahead of time then she will get upset and refuse to do or go where she is supposed to go because she didn't know of the change. If you don't have your daughter on a schedule then she may be having a hard time figuring out what to do next. They have pictures in the bathroom of toilet paper to remind her to wipe, a picture of the handle to flush, picture of someone washing hands, and drying them so when she goes to the bathroom she can see the duties in order of how she needs to do them. potty, wipe, flush, wash hands.
Whatever her favorite thing to do, watching TV or whatever, tell her she can't do that until she does 2 chores. She probably won't like it and throw a fit at first but you have to stand your ground and show her that there are responsibilities and consequences when she isn't responsible.
As for the morning routine, maybe get the other kids ready first and have them leave the room so she has no one to talk to. Put her clothes together in outfits either on a hanger or layer them in her drawers with pants, shirt, pants, shirt, that way when she pulls out a shirt she will see the matching pants under it. I did this when my kids were little and that gave them the options to pick out what they wanted to wear.
Whatever you figure out stick with it. Consistency and schedules is the key especially with special needs kids.

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K.O.

answers from Wichita on

One of my sons has ADD and we tried a lot of behavioral management techniques and several medicines before reaching the "right" balance. He takes 30 mg of Vyvanse a day (one dose in the morning--lasts twelve hours). It has made all the difference in the world. He still takes longer than "normal" to get ready and to complete tasks; however the time is MUCH better and he is now VERY successful in school. Ask your doctor about Vyvanse. Just an idea. Hang in there! It does get better! Feel free to contact me if you have further questions or just want to "vent" about the frustrations of raising a child with ADD!

C.B.

answers from Kansas City on

H., it sounds like you have more than your hands full - i can't imagine! as the big sister (the oldest of four) i can kind of feel where your daughter is coming from - i was also expected to be responsible and was just "told" to do a lot of things. it can get overwhelming and she is only 11. it kind of sounds like maybe she could benefit from some one on one time with you helping her do these things a little more. i know it must seem impossible with so much to do, but she seems kind of young to be expected to take meds, do her homework (with ADD especially) all by herself, clean up her room all by herself...just my two cents...good luck!!

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T.M.

answers from Kansas City on

My children got around better when they took showers before school, it woke them up enough to get moving in the morning. If they didn't get up when they were called they went to bed earlier (they must not be getting enough sleep). Getting clothes and shoes organized the night before helped them get ready in the morning, no looking for things.
If you want to make an issue of a clean room, no playtime till it's done. If that doesn't work, maybe a privilege if it's done on time each day, it could be some quality time with you. I agree about maybe seeing a councilor, she M. need someone to talk to that is only there for her, most insurance companies will cover this expense. Good Luck, you're just getting into the teen years, the secret is to pick your battles, some things are just not that important and it will make your life easier.

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