Asking Your Significant Other When They'll Be Home?

I'm a worrier - I have a hard time falling asleep without my husband home - especially if he's drinking (he has a hard time making good choices about drinking and driving, so I often ask him to only have one or two drinks if I'm not there).

So no, I don't think it's controlling, I think it's fair.

If it's controling to ask when they'll be home then I'm a control freak because I ask hubby at least three times a week if he is coming home at the usual time or later. thing is he is very forgetful and sometimes if I don't call he will forget it's well past five.

i ask my so all the time so I say reasonable I even ask my grown children. what does he have to hide

It's not a moot point and it's not about the "piece of paper." It's about the covenant promise that he made to you when you got married. He's not "his own person" anymore. As a married couple, you "belong" to one another and are partners that should be completely authentic, vulnerable, open and giving to one another above all else. So, yes, it's totally different than a couple that just lives together, in my opinion and absolutely relevant.

When my husband and I got married, I'd go shopping with my mom (who rarely looks at a clock) and my husband would ask when I'd get home and I'd say the same thing that your husband says. Until we had a discussion where my husband told me this was difficult for him -- he didn't know when to expect me, how to make plans, whether or not he should be worried that I wasn't back yet, etc. I understood and started telling my mom that I wanted to be home by 9 or whatever, and when I was going to be later, I'd call my husband out of respect for his concern for me. I never felt he was "controlling" me. I felt that he loved and cared for me.

Having children changes EVERYTHING -and your SO needs to realize that! My husband and I both love to go out together and with friends. We do so quite often. When we didn't have children, I still wanted a general idea of when he would be home and I would give him one -and we would call if it was going to be later. That's common courtesy and respect. Once the kids come along -there needs to be a time that you know to come home. My husband and I are fond of telling our many child-free friends that sure, we can stay out as late as we want, but those kids are still going to get up around 6:30am every day!

There's also the question of safety and worrying. If my husband says it might be a late night -that means about 1am. I don't hesitate to call if he's not home and he does the same for me. Last summer I accidentally passed out on a friend's sofa. She thought nothing of it, covered me with a blanket and received a call from my husband at 2am inquiring about my whereabouts! It's not because either of us is trying to control the other, but he got really worried about me. After you have kids -it's just normal to make your evenings end earlier and to give yourself a curfew! People have to realize -there are tradeoffs you make when you have kids! Finally -you have to be in contact and know where each other is going to be because there could be an emergency with a child. It's imperative that you be able to reach him if you need to go to the ER or something. Really -for people with kids -unless it's just a special circumstance I cannot imagine what they must have to do after 1am at the latest.

Definitely a reasonable question. Relationships are all about communication.

It sounds like a reasonable question to me.

OK! For 1 it does NOT matter Married or not. Kids or not! Tonya C. You should be ashamed for even asking why they are living together if they are not married (in which case you were just assuming!) That is none of your business. Do not respond to questions if you cannot just give an answer without criticizing the person asking the question!

Now to answer the question... No it is not controlling. It is completely reasonable and you are entitles to ask those questions. I ask my husband when he will be home. It doesn't matter if he is leaving the house at 2pm or 10pm, I wanna know when he will be home. I don't like going to bed alone personally. lol

My husband and I have a loose "If I'm not going to be home by 'x', then I'll call." Usually, this falls into the "midnight" category, as we are both long-talker/night owls with our friends, and we usually go have a drink at our local pub, which is within walking distance from home. I do think asking is perfectly fine, and some people have different plans-- some of my friends, hanging out at band practice, then going out for a midnight dinner, different lifestyles and all, but those sorts of outings are a little harder to predict.

The secondary conversation which has emerged from this question is interesting. There seem to be some assumptions regarding the role of marriage in how one partner treats the other. I personally lived with my husband for over seven years, and our son was nearly 2, before we got married. (and that was initially prompted because of a need for insurance). We personally aren't fans of being married when so many others aren't able to marry, and while I love the new last name, I feel badly that I have benefits others don't. But we have *always* had a high regard for each other and good communication. I also think it's rather naive to link being unmarried with ill-treatment/thoughtlessness-- I know many, many married people who treat each other in this way within their marriage, so proposing that a person will be more valued if they are married-- well, it all depends on the people involved.

And a PS-- I've written on my blog, The Skyteahouse, about both posting and answering questions on this forum. IMO, using the "SO" designation instead of "husband" allows the poster to elicit answers from a broader range of people. Using the word "husband" in this instance becomes too circumscribe, esp. if one is discussing this question in light of the relevance of being in a commited relationship. From my perspective, this was a smart move on the poster's part.

skyteahouse.blogspot.com

I totally think it's reasonable. Does he help with the kids in the morning after he's been out? If he does, then I would continue to ask but I suppose you can't get too mad if he's still up and ready in the morning. Now, if he doesn't help, sleeps in and expects to just chill, then yes, you need to have a better system going on! You need to know what you're in for the next day and all night. Besides the fact that the kids surely don't need to continue to see Dad possibly drunk, hungover, sleeping late, or whatever the case may be. On a night he doesn't plan on going out, bring it up and have a discussion about it. It doesn't sound like you're trying to stop him from going out, you just want to know what's up, and i think that is totally fair!

" I don't know it's hard to say" is an unacceptable answer.

It's very reasonable to expect an answer for this. He's an adult and perfectly capable of telling the "guys" it's time for him to go. It's an issue of respect for you and self control.
I would tell him that you need to know when he will be home so you know what time to call the cops and hospital ERs when he's not home on time. Maybe that will help get it into his skull that you aren't trying to control him you are just worried about him and that letting you know when he's coming home is a matter of respect and curtasy for you.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you....

With that golden rule as a standard for most of my married life, this staying out and giving a non committal answer about returning home IS FOR THE BIRDS.

Especially after children.

I imagine this pattern was well established before children, and he's operating under the assumption, that it was OK then, why not now.

My husband? Calls me every single day to tell me when he's coming home. When he is in town, even calls when he's out. He often forgets to tell me about evening events that he wants me to attend with him, so that needed some communication fixing.

When you are married with children, it is beyond rude IMHO to not have clear, concise communication about when SO will be rolling in. How else would you plan dinner and juggle evening schedules without knowing?

Family is now first. I don't really know any guys who behave this way, so I'm must be isolated. Actually, I do know men who would like to behave this way towards ultra controlling wives and enjoy their out of town professional meetings, b/c it's a break from the wife. So, there are more sides to the story there.

My husband doesn't go out much with the guys anymore now that we have kids but, when we were child-free, I do remember asking him how late he would be out and he'd give me a ballpark time frame. If it ends up that he's having a really good time and won't be home when he had promised, he usually good to call me and let me know that he'd be out for an hour or two more. Sometimes he would lose track of time and forget to call me but that was the exception not the rule. I do like to know what time my husband will be home because I don't like being left hanging and wondering if he's just out having a good time or maybe he's been a car wreck. I guess I like things to be predictable.

As for your husband, he reminds me a friend of mine. She was always vague about time issues and it wasn't because she was up to no good; it was because she wanted to keep her options open and she really wasn't very good at gauging time. And he may find your questioning him about what time he will be home as lack of trust. But I think that if you tell him that you just would like to know what to expect, he really shouldn't have a problem giving you a rough estimate. If he makes this in to be more of an issue than it should be, then I would be concerned.

Just my own thoughts on it.

I don't care how old someone is or what their relationship is, if they are living in the same house I feel it is just being considerate to let your loved one know when you will be home (or at least approximately when) so the other one doesn't worry. I also think they should let the other one know where they are going (not a detailed itinerary). It's not to be controlling, it is only because you care and want to know where to start looking if something happens. If the party who is out finds that they are going to be longer than planned they should also call and let someone know.

Does he ask you when dinner is, or when you are planning to wash his underwear? Or.......does he ask you if you want to have sex? It would be kinda fun to give the oh-so-vague response of "I don't know.....it's hard to say". JUST so he knows how it feels!

It's common courtesy to state when you will be home. You are not being controlling at all! Good luck! It took one of my friends YEARS to get that through to her husband.
Her hubby would stay out all hours and not answer her calls. Most of the time she was worried SICK about him and couldn't sleep. Of course, when she would have lunch with a friend, or do a playdate, he would call a minimum of 4 times, asking if she would be home to make supper. Yeesh!

I ask my husband what time he'll be home every single day... Haha. I don't think it's weird or controlling AT ALL. It's a simple question and I need help with running our little family! I get completely irritated when he says, "It's hard to say..." Is that a guy thing or something? I get the same phrase! All I have to tell him is that's not going to work - I need a ballpark. I don't have the luxury of getting home "whenever" and neither does he. This is especially true when he's going out until wee hours of the morning!!

With my husband and I, the rule is, I don't care when he comes home, but I need to know what time he will return. Which is to say, if he wants to stay out til 3 am, that's fine with me. If he says 3 am, though, he has to be here then, or call to let me know he won't be home but is okay. Same goes for me. Doesn't matter what time, but I do need to let him know and either show up then or call. This applies to anytime we are out without the other, day or night. For the record, neither of us has been out past midnight or so without the other since our son was born 3 years ago.
I trust my husband completely, and he trusts me. For us, it is not an issue of control, simply one of safety. If hubby is supposed to be home by 11 pm and isn't here, I know something is wrong if he hasn't called.

It is not controlling. It is a sign of respect for him to communicate this to you. I would tell him that it helps in your planning of meals, if you should wait up, etc. Also, if he is unwilling to tell you, and if it is because he is out playing, then this shows a serious lack of respect to you. Can I ask why you are not married if you are living together and have children together? I think that issue in itself might indicate his lack of committment to you. But, perhaps it is that you don't want to be married, in which case ignore that. :) I know I couldn't go that route. It wouldn't be enough for me.

Definitely a reasonable question! My DH calls me even if he's going to be an hour or so late from work just so I know and I dont worry. I would be a little skeptical if my DH was not giving me at least an estimate of what time he might be home. Then if he was going to be later than that...he should call! No matter what time of the night it is, Id rather him call and wake me up than wake up myself and worry my head off if he's still not home. Talk to him about this and let him know your concerns...its not too controlling to want to know that your DH is safe.

I ask my husband what time he'll be home almost every day :D His schedule is erratic, because of his research and sometimes he'll make plans that he forgets to tell me about. But basically, when I ask, he'll say "I'll be home for dinner", "I'm going to be late, but save me something to eat" (9ish), "I'll eat out tonight, because I'm going to be really late"(after 11pm) or "go to bed before I get home" (translation: I might be home before the sun rises :D ) Sometimes if DH really doesn't know when he'll be home, he will tell me that and say "I'll call when I start heading home" or something like that. When we have made plans and my husband (or I) are going to be late, we call--common courtesy.

Our one "rule" is that if either of us calls/text/e-mails the other, we reply within an hour or so--all in case of emergencies & to avoid worry.

I ask my hubby when he is coming home and don't see nothin wrong with it. But on the other hand, he knows that he cant stay all night. Because we have kids also, u ain't finna just walk up In here and make all that noise..... And he knows I dont play, But anyhoo if u think it works for you then by all means.... U are the mother of his kids. His wife. You have the right 2 know when he is coming home

If you are living under the same roof it is a common courtesy to let the others in the home know when you will be home.
I am a worrier and my hubby knows if he is going to be more than 30 min later than he originally planned he will let me know. Not b/c I am controlling, but b/c he is courteous.

Totally reasonable to ask, you know, just so you don't mistake him as a burglar and shoot him, or bash him in the head with a bat-that would be my reason for asking!

OMG, did you just call my hubby too?! I HATE that answer and it does nothing to alleviate my worrying about whether or not he is going to make it home safely. I think it is totally unfair, especially when you have kids, to stay out so late and to not make an effort to get home by a designated time.

LOL @ calling out the typical ASSumers on this board. Being married or not doesn't define how much a person respects the relationship. There's nothing wrong with asking and the answer of not sure is totally unacceptable. Before I was married we had an agreement that if either of us was going to be out after a certain hour to call home. That was fair. So being married had nothing to do with respect. You live together, have children, and if you start out not caring when they come and go, before you know it they will come home at sunrise and think nothing of it.

Very reasonable question. My husband and I probably ask each other this question everyday (especially when one of us is left home with the kids by ourselves). I do have to admit, there are days when I'm out shopping and I have absolutely no idea when I'll be done or home, but generally I give a ballpark time, and then say if I'll be later I'll give you a call? My response is usually, I'll be home to put them down for a nap, if not I'll let you know?

Maybe it would help your hubby to know why you want to know. I think some men feel like 'you don't trust them and always want to keep tabs on them', but if he understands I just want to know if I should wait up for you or hit the sack alone, he'd be more apt to answer you with a little bit more detail. At the very least I think it'd be acceptable for you to ask him to call you at some point if he's going to later than "xyz" or to give you a better estimated time, once he gets the feel for how the nights going to go!

Wish you all the best!

I think it is reasonable and largely b/c we have children together. We don't know where the other is every second of every day but I know a ball park of when he is coming home. Of course, we have small children, one income, and that means our outside of the house activities w/o the family are pretty limited right now. On the occasions when it is "hard to say" he always calls when he is headed home so I have a heads up. I think in the past I have also suggested a limit on how late "hard to say" is...like if he plans to go to a movie with a friend, I ask if he plans on getting a beer after, then based on his answer say something like, "so you think you'll be home by 12?" (movie out at 930-10, beer or two at the bar, drive home). He will either agree that that is when he will probably be coming home or say "well we might check out this band at the bar, or have a drink at his house go and work in the garage so it will probably be more like such and such time." Men don't provide much info if they aren't directly asked....

Basically I don't care how long he is gone or that he is going, his plans can change and it's not a big deal, but it is reasonable to let me know what your plans are and when you think you might be home....

i agree that its a safety issue. if he got in a wreck on his way home, and he didn't tell you what time to expect him, you would have no idea that you should even be concerned. That could be the difference in saving his life, if you knew to call the police after a certain point--after calling his friends etc. Of course, that's a very drastic example, but it makes the point. Also, it's a respect thing. I don't know what kind of man he is, but if he's one that doesn't think he's above you just because he has an extra extremity, then he really should have no problem telling you. if hes a caveman, then you probably just have to deal with it--unless he's reasonable--which most cavemen arent.

yes I need to know when my hubby will be home. I need to know for the kids sake (he needs to take the kids to there after school activities and so forth) and also so I know when to make his meals. My hubby normaly just goes to work and then comes home so I normaly know when he will be home, but if he does do something like go hunting he texts and contacts me frequently so that we know where eachother is and what we are doing. My hubby said he did not think it would be a big deal it it just happened once in a great while, but just the same he always checks in with even if it is just to make me hapy. good luck

I don't personally care if my husband is going to be home after I intend to be sleeping - at that point there's really no difference between 2 am and 4 am to me - I'm asleep. However, it's probably been over 5 years since I was put in that situation, but he would still inform me of time updates and any changes of plans. My husband, on the other hand, does ask what time I intend to be home if I'm going out with friends and I give him a distinct answer. If that time comes and i'm still not home, you can bet I'm getting a phone call for an updated time and to make sure I didn't wrap my car around a tree ;-) I don't find it annoying or controlling, etc - just common courtesy because hopefully your significant other worries and cares for your well being.

I do care what time he is going to be home after work on Fridays (the only day of the week he is in town) and I will call to ask that and expect updates if that changes. So it's basically the same thing, just a different time of day.

I think its your right as his significant other to ask. He should answer out of respect and love for you. Also it would not be ok with me if he is staying out to the wee hours of the morning. Not only should you ask when he will be home, I would want to know where are you at the wee hours of morning. If the did not like his answer then it would be a HUGE problem.

I guess I didn't realize that you shouldn't ask! I ask. Sometimes multiple times in one day! Sometimes he gets irritated. I don't care. :) I worry. He knows that and 99% of the time is ok with that. He never asks me, but that is probably because I automatically offer it up. To me it is just respect.

As long as your significant other not getting angry about you asking it is probably no big deal. If your significant other just says they doesn't know, then ask for a ballpark and call it good. You're not setting a curfew, just getting info.

Hire some one to sit the kids over night at your house, don't tell him & go stay the night at a friend or relatives house that you want to ketch up with. Try a few different things until he gets the message this is not acceptable behavior.

I am not as tolerant as you. I would just leave someone who doesn't want to be there with me & his kids. I would ask him to go to counseling first that way I could say I made the effort.

I usually just ask my husband not to be to late. I don't see anything wrong with asking for a time. When my husband bowls (in a league) he comes home right after. Other than that, he only goes out one friday a month. It is to his brother in laws house. They play games so he does not have an exact time. Especially if they are playing a couple of hands of poker. As long as he is not too late i don't mind. Thank god for cell phones. We will text each other when he is getting ready to leave. I do agree it is hard to go to bed and not know if they are ok.

Of course you have the right to know when your husband will be home. I think you need to sit down and talk to hubby and what he is doing. I would want to know as my husband would want to know if it was me. I would make a big deal out of it, hubby needs to be a man and a father and stop playing games with his friends.

Communication is huge and if that makes me controlling then I am a control freak.

very reasonable to want to know that, i would start questioning, i may tell my husband i don't know when i'll be back, but after no more than 2 hours, he knows i will call and check in with him.

if he and i didn't give that "courtsey" call then we would both start suspicions of infedility, or the one out being hurt.

to go in a little further, i tell my husband who i'm going with, if someone is there i did not expect, i will text him and let him know they are there, and if we're going somewhere i've never been to, then i will let him know where and what road i'm traveling...i do this for common respect for him and so if something does happen to me he will know where to look and who i was with if something suspicious happens

of course its reasonable. I mean i can understand where he might not want to give a time...it might feel like a curfew to him and he's a grown man lol, but he should try to narrow it down for you. my husband tries to give me a time when he will be home from work (he doesnt really go out besides that) because I get paranoid and worry like crazy when he is late.

Yes it is reasonable. I am a worrier, so I really do need to know an approximate time...otherwise I am worried that he is wrapped around a tree somewhere.

I think not saying when you are going to be home is a symptom of something deeper going on in the relationship. When one person leaves for the evening and doesn't say when they will be back, that is an exit from the relationship. Some other common exits in relationships are drinking, affairs, shopping, spending a lot of time with the kids, television, computer time and facebook.

There was probably a conflict or hurt feeling that didn't get tended to that started this cycle and now it has grown to a place that you are noticing the problem. You can see this a good thing to draw attention to the fact that your relationship needs some care and make the relationship better.

And, for me, it is reasonable to know when your significant other will be home because it cares for the relationship, for you and lets you know when you need to worry. Also cares for the partner because you want to know when to call the hospitals because if something happens you don't want them to be alone in pain after an accident.

Are you kidding? Of course it's reasonable! If you're a couple, then it's just considerate to tell the other person when you're coming home. And if you've got kids - holy cow, do they expect you to single parent? If my husband doesn't call to say when he's on his way home - I call him. Do you want to have dinner together? Just for a start. Help with homework etc.

Trust your instinct. If it's hard to swallow, then it's because there's something wrong. Roommates can make their own schedules. He needs to grow up! Couples work together.

I don't think they plan when they're coming home when they go out with the guys. It depends on whether they are having a good time and what the other guys have going on. I think they make their decision to stay out late spontaneously, while they are out. I'd fall asleep and forget about it but if you are a worrier, ask if he can call if he's going to be later than 2 am. Then expect him home at 2 am and if it's earlier, you can be surprised. If the real problem is that he goes out with the guys too much or he goes out on a Saturday afternoon for a baseball game and you're expecting him home for dinner and he doesn't make it home until the wee hours, or he drinks way too much and drives, then it's a different conversation you need to have with him.

I've been banging my head against that wall for years. He'd say he'll be home at a certain time and wouldn't. He would promise to call and wouldn't. And I would get mad/worried and lose sleep. Honestly, I just had to give up. I tell him not to come home in the wee hours. If it is that late, stay where he is and I'll see him in the morning. That saves me waiting for him.

glad you solved it and I did not read all the answers but you should deff. know when he is going to be home! at least a ball park!! hope it is going great now. xo

I always ask when he goes out. More for planning then for any "control" reason or trust issues. Our kids are old enough to ask when Daddy's going to be home so it's nice to have an answer, even if it's an "about this time" kind of answer. He's never had an issue with it or felt put out or anything. It's just polite to let someone you care about what your plans are.

I do ask my hubby when he will be home, but I also don't get upset if I get back the answer, "I don't know". I think if he is going out to have a good time with friends, I don't want to make him feel like he is on some kind of timeline or schedule. He is a grown man and can decide for himself when to call it a night. He always knows what we have going on the next day and if that is an early-morning thing with our daughter then he is smart enough to get home in enough time to get a few hours at least. The only thing I really say is make sure to call me if you have to much to drink. He might not plan on drinking, but then have a few once he is out---I would rather drag my four year old out at 3am if need be then find out he drove or got in the car with someone that was drunk. He has never done that, so I can live with whatever time he gets home. Also, when I go out I don't feel the need to give an exact time either. We are both grownups and are well aware of our responsibilities. Of course I am talking about going out like this maybe once or twice a month max and not like he's rolling in three days later smelling like strippers or anything, lol!

A.S. I understand your frustration. I am currently having a similar issue with my S.O. I do not find it unreasonable to know when to expect them home, its a common courtesy. When I leave I tell him what I am doing and how long I intend to be AND I do my best to be home when I said I would. I don't see why they can't extend the same courtesy.

I have tried to explain that when he stays out so late my female brain comes up with all kinds of crazy scenarios of what could have happened to keep him out so late.

Yes, I absolutely think it's fine to ask! I've received that same answer before "I don't know"... So, we agreed upon a time that if he wasn't going to be home by 12:00 (or whatever) that he would call and let me know he would be out later. I just made sure the phone ringer was on low so as not to wake the kids, but then at least I had reassurance that he was ok.

I would say that if he works in a job where he has regular hours that he is expected home around the same time every day.

I work in the dance studio/gymnastics business the kids go to to pay for their classes and if the owner comes in, even when I am closing the door to go home, I can end up being at least another hour. I love visiting with her, she has had such an awesome life and career. Plus we sometimes just lay on the floor of the store and go through Leotard, dance attire, Lida, or other fancy dress catalogs and write out the clothes orders.

My husband always knows where I am but it is never the same time for me to get home. He has the responsibility for cooking dinner and putting the kiddos to bed on those nights and I can spend the time at work worry free.

I recommend you sit down together at a quiet time and discuss the issue with him. Lead up to it by saying, "Honey, can we sit down in the living room about 9:30 tonight and talk about our schedules?"

This gives him the idea about what the discussion is going to be about so he can have some time to think about it, but he may not, sometimes they just don't ever get it and we have the choice to accept being a "single" parent until they get home or choosing to move on and actually be the single parent.

Yes. It is reasonable to ask. Is he working or playing? Do you get the same option of staying out late while he stays home with the kids? Can you get a babysitter and go out together? How often does he do this? Do you feel stuck at home while he gets to stay out late? From your information above, it seems like he would rather not be at home with you. A once-a-month guys night out seems reasonable as long as you get the same option of a girls night out. I would try to get a babysitter and go out together. If he says he needs his own space quite often, I would suspect he has someone on the side; especially if he says you are too controling. When men don't give details, their answers become hard to swallow. A lot of women think they have no options; but you do. You have choices: try to go out together more often, have a romantic night at home after the kids are asleep, or have someone follow him to find out where he goes without you. What is your gut feeling?

In my view, a marriage certificate makes a big difference. It is a statement of commitment. You made vows and promises together. Doesn't that mean anything? In the eyes of the law, being married makes a big difference as to your rights should the marriage break up. Ask an attorney; or watch some courtroom shows on TV.