Asking a Friend to Pay for My Husband Watching Her Kids..?

Tell her he cannot do it anymore. Every once in a while I would let it go, but it sounds like it is more than that. Just tell her it has gotten to be too much for him to have extra kids. You do not need to give her a reason.

I would just say to her "wanted to give you a heads up X won't be able to sit anymore after X date" give her a weeks notice to find someone. You don't owe her explanations. Just a flat can't do it anymore so you need to find someone. Don't say because you don't pay and don't give snacks that gives her an option to say she will. And bottom line your done so just say it.

You've already asked once about her providing her children's snacks/food and look how that went. Asking for payment will be no different.

This situation is causing your family undo stress. I would simply tell her she needs to make other arrangements because it is becoming too much for your husband to handle her kids as well as your kids and the house, etc.

Peace and Blessings,
Mom2M&Ms

I urge you to talk with her friend to friend. It's not fair to jump on her with anger. This will be the first time you've asked her to pay. She may very we agree to pay if you present it graciously.

Then work out with her how to arrange an agreement. You have options here. One is to include the cost of snacks in the payment. You can start the conversation with since the kids are here more hours let's talk about payment. Be diplomatic. Be friendly talking with her to come to an agreement.

But first talk with your husband. Does he want to be paid? You've felt used for a long time which has caused you to be angry. Is your husband angry? Perhaps it's best to let him talk with her. Remember that he's developed a relationship with this family. If you intervene and it doesn't go well he may be angry with you.

Unless you want to end the friendship in an angry way do not send a mrssage. Consider that you have allowed your anger to fester which has colored your friendship. You may once more enjoy her after you take care of this situation.

I'd help hubby enroll the kids in some classes after school for a short time. Then he won't be available to watch her kids and she'll have to find other resources.

Then when the classes are done she doesn't have to find out does she?

Wow. What a user this "friend" is. This is frankly ridiculous and I'd put the kibosh on this immediately. If she gets upset, well tough toenails...If she's really a friend, she'll still be one after she has to start paying him or find alternative care.

I would say "Hey Ginger, we've been helping you out for awhile now, but 4-5 days per week is getting kind of excessive for a "favor". It's a lot of extra work for hubs and a lot of extra money for snacks, drinks etc...If you'd like him to watch your kids, we'll need you to pay us $100 every Friday"

Oh wow I am a long time stay at home mom and I would feel completely used and taken advantage of in this situation. This person doesn't sound like a "friend" at all, I would never ask ANYONE, even a family member, to watch my kids on a regular basis without offering compensation.
Why doesn't your husband care? Do her kids keep your kids company? Doesn't he have things to do during the day where having extra kids would get in the way and become a burden?
Maybe you should start saying to her, "oh since you're going to be home Saturday night anyway we're going to drop our kids off with you and go out. We'll pick them up some time on Sunday."
Seriously.

She's totally taking advantage of your hubby. He didn't stay home to make her life easy; he stayed home to raise his own children.Give her 2 weeks notice to let her know that on XXXX date she will need to feed her kids breakfast before bringing them over, provide a snack for after school, and pay your hubby whatever amount you agree to pay each and every morning. The first time it doesn't happen don't let it slide. You let it go once and it'll be back to showing up whenever without anything for those kids.

Draw up a contract which spells out all the details.
Here is a sample (google 'child care contract' - there are many examples available):

http://www.211childcare.org/documents/sampleAgreement.pdf

She signs the contract (make it annual or seasonal) and she pays per what ever rate is spelled out.
Be sure to spell out penalties for late pick up, late payment, etc.
If she won't sign the contract then she can't drop her kids off anymore.
They are her kids - she can't expect not to pay for child care.
Make it a formal arrangement.
It will either back her off or she will pay.
Some people will mooch as much as you let them.
You can't be subtle with them.
If this ends the friendship then she was only using you anyway so it's no great loss.

Additional:
Even the most un-confrontational animal will defend it's home/territory.
Your husband needs to lay down some rules and/or tell her 'I'm not doing this anymore'.
He's upset but he's not directing his emotion at the source - namely the free-loading friend.
It sounds like payment (or lack thereof) is not the issue.
He (and you) want to stop looking after these other kids.
Either he or you need to tell her "we're not doing this anymore. Make some other arrangements. Friday's the last day." and that's the end of that.
You'll all feel better once the situation is resolved.

You and Husband need to:
1) stop taking in her kids and say, so, in a diplomatic manner... or,
2) ask her to pay for it. Because:
3) it IS a hardship. And an inconvenience... and she is getting free babysitting via your Husband. AND her kids eat your food and use your place and it is a convenience... for HER. Not you or your Husband, NOR for your kids.

I would not have let this go on for "years...."
And she drops off her kids at your place "4-5 days off on average...."

There is no way around it, except to say in a diplomatic manner that you:
either cannot keep doing this, or, they need to pay your Husband.
BUT, even if they pay your Husband, does your Husband still want to do this?
If getting paid does not matter, then don't keep taking in her kids. Why?
Because, watching her kids, drives your Husband crazy.
And as you said he gets "VERY frustrated and irritated on the edge with his day!!"
So, don't keep... doing... it.
Again: it is HER convenience that she is using... your Husband for babysitting. It is no one elses convenience to keep, doing so.
AND as you said, she has other people watching her kids.
SO, she should keep to that.

AND: just because someone is a stay at home parent... that does NOT mean, that he/she has to be the babysitter, free, for everyone else.

AND if that woman was a "friend..." she would NOT be USING your Husband nor you, that way. Nor your house and its food etc.

AND TELL HER: "your kids make a mess of our house... and WE have to clean up after them... "

Your friend, is a user.

You either: please her... or your do what YOU and your Husband want, with your own home and kids.
Its your home and kids and Husband.
It is not a hotel with free babysitting services and a free buffet for them.

Again, I would not have let this go on for years.
I would have QUIT a long time ago.
How irritating.
Don't be her doormat.

For some reason, people seem to think that stay at home parents are happy to have other kids to watch. I would never presume to be able to just drop my kids off for free just because my friend is already at home. The times I've needed the kiddo watched for an emergency I've always offered to pay, whether or not they took me up on it. If they don't take me up on it, I usually end up watching their kids so they can go on a date or something later.

I'm not sure how you should bring it up, but she should at least be paying for snacks, if your husband doesn't want to be paid for his time. You shouldn't be out any money for doing her a favor.

This is really a matter between your husband (the employee, as it were, although no money has changed hands) and your friend (the employer, again as it were).

You say this arrangement has been going on for a long time. There's not really any reason the woman should change the tacit agreement (unless it's out of conscience). Your husband hasn't asked her for regular payment; why not? Because he doesn't mind taking care of her children, or because he is too timid to tell her she should have been paying? How does he know she won't say, "Well, I would have paid you all this time if you'd said you wanted payment"?

In any case, do you really want to step in as if you were your husband's mama? That's the way it may appear. If you still want to, though, then talk with the woman about setting up a businesslike childcare contract, with a set pay for a certain amount of hours and pre-arrangement of working times (as opposed to her just sending her kids over).

Hello. I had to post when I read this. Twice in the past I watched another mom's kids after school. Within two weeks I told them I could not any longer. It took away from my time with my child and disrupted our family.
Plus, in the one case, I resented mom being late because I knew she was working out, running errands, home without the kids, etc... Even if she pays, it will not be worth what your family misses out on. I would give them no more than two weeks notice and not do it again.

She is very rude. The dynamics in my home are so different when others are over. Your kids and husband need to decompress after school without company everyday.

I would not want to be in a contract watching someone's kids. The freedom to take my 2 kids to the park or have a playdate are more important to me. Your husband may not feel the same way.

SAHP are not free drop-in childcare! Unfortunately, you've let this go for so long that is it is going to be awkward.

Your husband must say something. You can be at his side, but he has to be part of this. DO NOT send a text message. This is a face-to-face situation that requires a sit down. Texts are not appropriate here.

I would never undermine my husband by making that arrangement for him.

I paid a SAHD to be my son's after-preschool caregiver for a year or so when I was working. It worked out nicely. I'm friends with his wife and just made a coffee date with the dad to talk about reasonable hourly rates, availability, any concerns, etc.

I think he would have been insulted if his wife had been his agent. He is a grown man. We do trade care sometimes, sometimes just playtimes with the kids now and then, and he still babysits for us from time to time. The reason this has worked so well for everyone is because of our direct communication.

I'd let your husband decide how HE wants to go about this. Sometimes, it IS easier to have kids over who play well with one's own kids. I know this esp. now as a SAHM.

Let your husband figure out what HE wants to do. Talk to him first and then let him contact her if he has concerns. I don't think any of us want to feel that our spouses time is taken advantage of, but honestly, when my husband has had concerns in that regard on some of the jobs I've taken, I always appreciated that he let me handle it on my own.

Your husband has to make the decision to either let your friend know that this arrangement isn't working any longer or that he requires payment for the arrangement and draw up a contract. If he decides to present her with a contract, he has to come up with what he feels is a fair amount to be paid and then tack on a couple of dollars so that when he tells her they can compromise down to what he actually wants.

Be prepared for her to refuse to sign a contract and/or pay him. If that occurs and she says she simply can't afford it then he'll have to gently say, "I understand. But if you change your mind, I have the contract ready and you just give me a call and let me know and I'll be happy to start babysitting again."

I had to do this with a neighbor friend. She wasn't willing to pay me a dime, so I stopped babysitting. We're still good friends. No feelings were hurt because she understood.

I think this is between her and your husband.

If he wants paid, HE needs to tell her:
"Marge, I know our families are good friends, but why do you pay everyone BUT me to watch your kids? I'm doing the same work they are."

If he wants OUT of it entirely, HE needs to tell her that too:
"Marge, the kids are getting older, our schedules are getting busier and busier. I think you'll have to find someone else to watch your kids before/after school. We just can't make the time commitment any longer."

But, yeah...tricky.
I know what you mean because I work PT with a very flexible schedule and there are some that ASSume I will be available for every holiday, snow day, in service day, etc. which YEAH I CAN be but how about taking a turn???

Wow, that is a long time. I don't think this is the kind of thing you text about, this is a sit down conversation. Also, you and your husband need to be on the same page. I agree with those that say you need a contract. She sounds like one of those who if you give an inch they'll take a mile. If she does start paying and you don't have a contract outlining times, late charges, etc, then she'll think she's paying you anyway and feel entitled to leave them longer. I'm surprised she's not even offered to pay for or supply snacks, that comes out of your pocket, jeez. I'm a SAHM and I don't watch other kids just because I don't feel comfortable being responsible for other peoples kids.

Yes, I am my husband's "agent" when it comes to what goes on in my house and other women's children. Men and women are territorial in their respective ways, and it makes perfect sense that YOU would be the mouthpiece in this situation. It's not a case of right or wrong. It depends on your dynamic with your husband. As the woman of my house, this type of arrangement would have been made through me. If one of my husband's male friends were commissioned to do some work in my house, my husband would be the mouthpiece.

I think that when the topic was first introduced--the whole "since you're home, anyway"--I would have chuckled in her face and said something about how he's home to tend to OUR home and family not tend to someone else's home needs. I would not have taken her seriously, and she would have had to practically corner me to make me believe that she was being serious. At that point, I would have said that that is a tall order and I would discuss with him if that would work for our family and then asked, "How much would you play?"

At this point, dedicate time to sit with her--not just when you happen to see each other--and say, "Carol, we need to discuss our arrangement. It's really wearing on our family to have your kids there every single day. It's affecting our resources--food, husband's energy, children's temperament.... We need to pull back to no more than two to three times a week, and we need compensation for what they eat and drink." Let her know that it's an awkward discussion for you but necessary. Also, do't give her the option of bringing food for her kids, because she'll bring a minimal amount--or "forget"--knowing that you will not let her kids starve. You set that cost.

Hmmm, tricky. Maybe having the other children around actually makes things easier for your husband. I know that when there are other children over to play, my children are less of a handful. I do think it's up to your husband to address this, and even if payment isn't forthcoming, a reciprocal arrangement could be made for when you want your children babysat on weekends and holidays.

I would definitely say something. She should have offered long ago and if your husband didn't accept, that's another thing. But yes, she should be paying and I would tell her. Sometimes people do things out of convenience so maybe that's why she's your friend. I don't know the whole story or the history behind you two but a nice little phone call wouldn't hurt. I would just say sweetie, as much as my husband loves watching your kids, we both think that he should be getting a little incentive for what he does. I don't think there's nothing wrong with that. Hopefully the words come to you and if she gets mad, then she's really not your friend. Good luck sweetie!

Nervy Girl oh heck no, you made a coffee date with someone's husband? That's a lot of nerve.

I like Gamma G's approach.

Just be up front with her, tell her that your husband is happy to take on the extra responsibility but that he needs to be fairly compensated for it, that leaves her the choice to pay you or find someone else.