Ask.fm And Instagram Drama in 7Th Grade

My daughter got an IPod when she was 11. Her friends were all on Instagram, so I allowed it and gave her rules and guidelines for using it. I found I was constantly monitoring it and having to block people. Sometimes her friends weren't posting inappropriate stuff, but others commenting on their posts were. My DD also posted a few things that were on the line. After two warnings, we deleted the Instagram account. She now uses the IPod for texting, games and music only. No social media.

I've heard Ask.fm is very risque, and I would never allow it-even in high school.

I know you don't want to cut her off, but based on what I read and my interpretation of the concern...she and her friends are not ready for social media. People are so much more bold online than in real life face to face situations.

With school starting up, I would ask her to set it aside for about 6 months and see if that break will help.

Well, you said "I see DD being kind to her friends and things are all age-appropriate".

So here's your first example that your child CAN make good choices even though those around her do not.

When my daughter was younger, in the car on the way home from school she would read me all the stupid posts friends had made throughout the day and we'd heave a collective sigh and a group eye roll and I'd say something like "how proud her parents must be" and she'd say something like "yeah no pickles on my burger and please don't give me cold fries" and we'd have a good giggle.

I think with or without social media, kids with self respect, who have a plan, who have easy communication with their parent, who get positive attention and guidance at home, will do the right thing.

Clearly you're doing something right.

:)

The two things I say are: One, don't post your personal tiffs on social media. It's rude and tacky.

Two, you have the option to opt out of any social media drama. Just don't engage.

My DD is also starting 7th grade. We have been having conversations for several years now about the realities surrounding social media. I point out to her how people who do unfortunate things on social media (pictures, videos, etc) can have their shame spread to the entire world in no time flat. I've showed her examples of that. We have talked about how these unfortunate incidents can be found by colleges, employers, etc, and how on the flip side, positive social media can help you later in life. One example would be "checking in" at volunteer activities. Just keep the conversation going.

I have also let her know that as her parents, it's our job to monitor what's going on with her social media accounts, and that we will continue to do so as long as she is still a minor - but that as we see more and more that she is conducting herself in a way that makes us proud, we will supervise her less and less. She also knows that if we find anything that she has posted that is inappropriate, there will be consequences. Namely, we will take away her phone and laptop, and/or delete her Instagram, Facebook, etc. Luckily, she is less interested in social media than I expected her to be. She wants accounts because her friends have them, but isn't on them all the time.

I like what Theresa said. Keep the dialogue going. No judgement, but always asking her, what do you think, what would have been a better choice? What was wrong with that?

Using the actual incidents will resonate with her. I used to also share articles about how people on social media had made poor choices and we would discuss it.

Remind her that once something is posted, it is there forever.
Do not get pulled into drama and do not start drama. It is waste of energy.

Also speak with her about how friendships change over time. Who she was in elementary school, may not be the same in middle school, then high school and then college, because her interests will change over time.

The more she learns, the more she will want to learn about new things and her current friends may not be interested in the same things. This is very normal and just a part of growing up. It does not mean we stop liking these friends, it just means we may meet others that have the same interests.

Give her examples from your own life. She may be shocked to find out that your current friends you have not known all of your life.

Middle school is miserable. Girls are meaner in particular. Boys are more likely to punch each other and move on.

I would continue to have open conversations with her about social media and friendships. Maybe you will understand and maybe you won't, but give her space to talk to you without you doing any more than listen. Social media just highlights the same old same old in cyberspace for all to see. I never kept up with SD's friendships in middle school because it was always an ebb and flow. You said there is a talking to coming - about what? Her behavior or theirs? Is there a consequence to be laid out? Or is this drama that you should stay out of because they are 12 and don't think clearly?

I wish I could find the article, but a teenager built an ap that encouraged people to think before they posted and most teens did not post the mean comment after they thought about it. Maybe you can find the article (it was recent) and discuss that with your kids together.

My kids conduct themselves on social media just the way they do in their personal lives. Talking about it all is really important and when they're young checking those sites to see what's up is one of the most valuable things a parent can do.

I've learned a lot about the secret world of teens/tweens just from looking at PUBLIC posts. It never ceases to amaze me what kids will put up for the whole world to see.

My youngest 12 (seventh grade) doesn't even have a cell yet but she got an IPAD for her birthday (gee, thanks Grammy!). She's had instagram for a few months and so far so good. Her followers and who she follows are only people she knows in the real world and she doesn't play the "how many likes can I get game". She's a pretty strong kid and will stand up to the bully for another child so I don't see her having issues online. We also talk about what the other kids are posting, she blocked one girl who was particularly icky.

As for my big girl I completely trust her. It's nice to see at almost 16 that we raised her well so far. She really, truly gets it. As a Junior she's enjoying the fact that lots of other kids have finally grown up and there is so much less dramatic BS to deal with.

When you speak to her about this stuff use examples of what you've seen to show how lame it all is. Let her come to some conclusions on her own by pointing out things you know she would find uncool or overly dramatic. Point out older teen girls you know who are way past this stage and would think it all beneath them. I've found the kids who are trying to act more mature really come off as being incredible immature. Point that out every time you see it in real life and online.

Sounds like you're on the right track. Keep on talking and listening Momma!

PS- Ask.fm for tweens is just asking for trouble. All parents should be sure they totally understand how it works before allowing it. Think of the Yahoo comments section directed at your child, EW!

Everything in 7thb& 8th grade was drama from my memory. Give her limits where you have log in info. That is what I did. I caught one covert account, but that was more related to a bad friend choice.
Share your concerns and some real life stories about sharing too much. Keep in mind the emotional and cognitive limits of the age in mind

My daughter is in 6th this year and has had an instagram account a little over a year. She knows what is okay and what is not okay, but it took a little learning for her to get it. She doesn't unfollow or block people - but just had her best friend from elementary school block her. He told her he didn't do it on purpose and he isn't mad at her. I swear this kid is more drama than her hormone filled dance class!

I show her some things on my FB page of what shouldn't be shared via FB. I tell her things I would like to put on FB in the moment, but how the backlash could affect me later on. Also the good things - not EVERYTHING has to go on social media. So I teach her responsibility with it by being open, honest, and constantly communicating with her.

Yes, over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Like drinking, drugs, and sex, responsible social media is a topic of conversation you'll come back to again and again and again. You HAVE to monitor everything and stay on top of it all the time, which it sounds like you are doing. When they get older, you can back off and slowly let them have more privacy.

We didn't allow social media accounts until our kids were 13 (the two oldest are now 16) and had a policy where they couldn't bring their phones to school, had to turn them in at 9 PM (bedtime) and we had full access to everything in their phones and all social media accounts. If they started to get sucked into drama or were otherwise pushing limits - or their friends were and they played along - they lost privileges. We would do things like take away the phone, change the wi-fi password on the computer so they could only use it for typing papers, suspend texting and/or data services and/or change the passwords on their accounts so that they couldn't access them anywhere.

Thankfully, middle school is the worst of it because it's new and by high school, they were using social media for normal communication...posting an interesting or funny picture or video, making arrangements to hang out or practice or study, etc. We let them take their phones to school but will suspend that privilege if they're texting during school hours. My oldest son had a train wreck of a girlfriend this past spring who had sent him several racy Snap Chat pics that he saved screen shots of so when I found those, I took away his phone and iPad for 3-6 months. Apparently at 16 he still needs the threat of parental supervision to behave himself electronically. My SD is also 16 and she is still truly under the impression that we have a key logger on her phone and computer and can see everything she says and does LOL. We told them that when they were 12 or 13 I think and if she still believes it, yay for us! Anyway, my husband will randomly go through her phone and computer but there is never anything inappropriate on it so he now goes months between random checks and really it's only for show at this point.

Stay on top of it and don't be afraid to use consequences to reinforce that this is a privilege and responsibility, not a right. If she wouldn't want her mom and dad to see something, it doesn't belong on social media.

AV - was it this one?

http://o.canada.com/technology/send-this-instead-app-give...

My son just started 7th grade. We don't seem to have the tiff issue with the boys, they're just straight up mean to each other, lol. However before we let him get Instagram we made him sign a contract similar to this one:
http://www.amandajanebrown.com/2013/03/instagram-contract.... It's been effective, we take away his Instagram access if he violates the terms of the contract. He doesn't have his password, I do, so all I have to do is log him out on his phone/ipad/ipod and he can't get in.

We do not allow Ask.fm, too much sexual bs on that site.

My daughter started 6th grade this year; last year, a friend of hers told her about Instagram. The friend was a bit older-I wasn't happy when my DD told me she had an Instagram account (her friend helped her create one), but she did explain that a lot of her friends were on it and showed me and everything looked pretty innocent. Long story short, we cancelled her account as it ended up being DRAMA for the last half of her 5th grade year. She would post something and then "friends" would post something mean on her account. She blocked individuals she didn't want seeing her posts and they found a way through other people she was connected to to post things about her posts and about her. It was awful, but she learned a great lesson from it! Put it off as long as possible--I have found it just causes unnecessary drama.

I remember 7th grade. It was cruelty times 100 with immaturity added in. Add social media (not around back then), and yikes. I wouldn't bother giving my kids access at home. There is just no need. Internet at school, for academic work, with supervision, fine.

We have a computer for the family, and while it's just for adults, if the kids want to look something up for school, I am happy to help and supervise.

My daughter (7th grade also) knows that myself and her dad watch her accounts. She shows us stuff other kids write too. It's good and bad but we are open about it all. We have a 4th grader and she wants to go on these sites and we won't allow. Too many media sties and I sub. teach so students also tell me more then I care to hear at times. But it keeps me in the loop on stuff going on at school.