Hi everybody my mom is visiting for a month from Europe and so far we been getting along for the past week but just yesterday we got into an argument it started with her massaging my feet since they were swollen since she offered and always been a great mom I told her to squeeze my toe a little harder all of the sudden she told me that I had never done anything for her in my life and that I been careless and always been playing outside as a kid and never cared to be home anyways and that when I grow to be a teenager that she made my sister clean after me and after that I went of to the states were my marriage was arranged and I been apart from her but we been visiting each other every year. I answered here aggressive that that's how she raised me and made people clean after me that's what I am not doing with my kids since I had struggled in my life because of that she of course told me defensive that I wasn't much of a good child anyways and that my siblings were more there for her that I ever been. I am kind of lost and don't want to apologies since I feel hurt but don't no what to do at this point since she will be here for an other few weeks.
I'm sorry but that is really hard to read and not making a whole lot of sense...other then your mom got mad at you..
Too hard to understand. Your marriage was arranged? What? I get you and your mother argued but past the foot massage I was kind of lost.
I think your and your Mom's roles are confused a bit.
It sounds like your Mom wanted to talk to you as one adult to another but she wanted to talk to you about you as a child/teen.
You, of course, took this rather personally.
With her - you still feel like a child - even though you are married with kids of your own.
I'm not sure WHAT your Mom meant or was trying to say.
If she had issues with you as a teen - bringing it up NOW does what for her?
Try not to get defensive.
If she tries bringing it up again, mentally count to 10, take a breath, and tell her you are sorry she feels that way.
You were a child at the time and you had no idea she was bothered by anything you did.
Acknowledge her feelings without accepting blame for why she feels this way.
I think I am getting that she misses you. She thinks you have always been independent and not as close as she would have liked ( maybe as she was with her mom). Regular teenage stuff with you not being home enough to clean as she would like. She is struggling with her loss of your presence since your marriage.
You admit that she neglected to teach you to take care of a household and it's caused you problems enough to know not to raise your children the same way.
She stuck out at you saying you weren't a good child. And your siblings are closer to her and act better toward her. Right?
She is pretty bitter. She made choices that did not turn out as well for her as she hoped. She has probably been holding these feelings in for decades. When we age, our abilities to cope with life become less and less.
We become emotionally fragile. Sometimes we have been masking a mental illness, like depression, too. Till it becomes too difficult to mask it anymore. I bet she is depressed and afraid of being alone and uncared for.
How are things in the country she lives in? Does she have relatives close?
Does she have enough money or strength to keep up her house? What will happen to her when she can't care for herself?
If you assure her she will continue to be cared for and loved, I think she will be ok. You can start a conversation. Tell her you are sorry she feels bad. Ask her if she is anxious lately. Tell her you will be there for her now that you are an adult, but you can not change the past and it hurts you to hear her criticism. Look for ways to make her life more secure.
Good luck!
I have unfortunately begun to suspect that weekend posts that are THIS HEAVY from people who have never posted here before, are not real posts. I don't like putting thought and effort into answers for someone who makes STUFF up.
If this is really true, ignore what happened and just act normal. If she doesn't like that and wants to continue talking about it, tell her that you've heard enough, and that you don't intend to listen to anymore. Walk out of the room or walk out of your house. Refuse to have any discussion about this issue at all. If she has to be by herself every time she tries, she'll shut up about it.
You can be hurt all you want, but someone who would do what she did (IF this is true) isn't going to listen to a word you say anyway.
Dawn
My mother-in-law's family raised her differently from all of her siblings. She was a very bright student, so her parents made her brothers and sisters do her chores and everything for her so that she could focus on her school work. She did end up becoming a physician (OB/Gyn), and some of her siblings are still very angry about how they had to pick up the slack for her. To make it worse, she never helped her other siblings out when her parents got too old to care for themselves. Instead, she moved 1500 miles away for warmer weather, and left the job of caring for her mother to her brother. So, IF what your mother said about your upbringing was true, I can see how she might have some resentment. But you are right, that it is the parent's job to teach their kids to clean up after themselves and become independent.
So, all that being said, where do you go from here?
For starters, don't ask her to do anything else for you during her visit. You don't want to spark bad feelings. Instead, calmly tell her that you can't change the past, but you have grown up and have learned how to be an independent person. There isn't much that you can do from her when you are on different continents, but you can try to call her as much as possible. There's no need to take an aggressive stance with her. She's your mom, and soon enough she'll be back home again, and I'm sure you'll miss each other again.
By the way, my mother-in-law always tries to make my husband and I feel guilty for not doing enough for them, even though THEY are the ones who moved away. I don't take it personally because I understand that she is frustrated that the circumstances of our lives didn't work out the way she intended, and she misses having us around all the time.
It is a bit hard to read, I agree. But it seems like massaging your feet set off a spark, a huge spark for your mom. I would suggest asking her if she'd like to discuss these issues that apparently have been bothering for her quite some time.
Also, you "told" her to squeeze your toe a little harder??? Maybe had you "asked" the argument could have been avoided. Because she raised you a certain way has nothing to do with it at this point. You are an adult and asking is always much nicer than telling when someone is doing something nice for you.
Sounds to me more like a "cleansing argument" and to keep it moving in a positive direction I would simply let her know that in the past if she felt like you were unavailable or not appreciative that you are sad that she feels that way. Let her know that you are doing your best to be the best mother, wife and daughter...a good woman. Thank her for being honest with you and let her know that you are hopeful that from now on you can communicate positively and not hold things in. It is important to you to make things right so just kind of validate her feelings (they may be distorted) but let her know most importantly that you love her and hope that your relationship can continue in a positive direction and that you love her. You are not perfect and you are not your siblings but you are you....
