Are You Over-involved in Your Child's Schoolwork?

My job is to provide an environment in which my child can complete the work successfully. That's all.

Homework is not work that's sent home for parents to help with. It's work that is sent home for the child to do ON THEIR OWN, so that the teacher can get a full understanding of how well they grasp the material.

Unless the instructions on the assignment specifically state that a parent should be involved, I stay out of it.

Unless my child comes to me and says "I don't understand this, can you help me understand" I don't hover. And even when asked, I provide only enough to get my child to the point where they understand the assignment, and then leave them to it.

Children don't learn how to work hard if they always have mommy there to bail them out of everything the don't want to do. And if they do poor quality work, they get a poor grade. Real life teaches excellent lessons.

Both of my boys, ages 10 and 11 (4th and 6th grade) get A's and B's in all of their subjects. They do their homework unprompted by me, every day. I know I'm bragging...but I know that my method of requiring that they be responsible for their work is a successful one. :-)

My kids will always be responsible for their own work. I watch friends make suggestions about how to do X or Y. I just let my kids fumble.

I value creativity more than standards. Standards are easy to get, but to be creative and to have the confidence to be a real risk taker? Those are much harder skills to learn.

I had a mother that hovered -and still does-- it wasn't helpful or educational, it undermined. What might pop for you might not pop for her. Let her decide.

I struggle with this because DD - also in 7th grade - is dyslexic. She usually asks for help so it isn't that much of an issue. But, we still go over deadlines and ask how long things will take to help her work on planning. Because things do take her longer than most kids she has to plan better for all assignments. I also end up having some contact with her teachers, but I am clear with her and them that I will let her face consequences. I work on balance. I hate to see stuff go out that is wrong but I let it go it has to be her work....

Just based on your post, I think you're being sort of hard on yourself. You're in the slow, difficult process of stepping back and letting your daughter take more responsibility for her own schoolwork. This is hard for everyone; it says only good things about you that you're finding it hard but doing it anyway. I do agree that minor matters like font size and color are your daughter's problem, not yours. If you need to issue a few stern reminders -- "If you wait until Sunday to start this project, you're not going to do a good job, and you're not going to get a good grade" -- that's perfectly appropriate with a junior-high student. Just remember to emphasize process (when to start) not finished product (font and all that).

Really, honestly, it sounds like you're doing fine!

I think it is a good idea to offer to brainstorm with a child, regardless of age/grade. You don't have to say, "Do it this way so it will look better," but before the project even starts, you can casually discuss the same issues you had concerns with. Ask those questions..."What size font are you going to use? What would make the best use of your space? What colors were you thinking about?" In that way, you are encouraging her to think about her choices...but you aren't making them for her.

Here's an example...for Awana (my daughter is 7, in 2nd grade) they were building boats. You were allowed to bring it home to work on, but they had adults there to help for the three weeks of construction and I figured I would let her do this on her own, with her counselors, or whatever.

So, on the day of the race, she was SO proud of her boat...and it absolutely looked like a boat a 7 year old made. Then she saw some of the others...professionally designed, cut, and sanded, painted with an obvious design and scheme and done ever-so-neatly, and she got a little sad comparing hers to theirs. It was a great opportunity for me to teach two lessons...1) those children didn't have the fun of building their boat. They sat by and watched their parents do it for them. And 2) in the future, if you want suggestions, I am more than happy to help you come up with a plan for YOU to execute, and give you a little guidance.

I realize your child is quite older, but I think the same principles apply.

If my kids want me to, I'm always happy to look over their stuff and give my honest opinion. I'm also always there to help them if they don't understand something. But I won't hunt them down and make them show me, just so I can micromanage their work. THEY need to come to ME. I USED to helicopter when they were younger because I think they needed it. But now, as 9th, 6th and 5th graders, they know what counts as good effort and acceptably presentable work.

My youngest will often ask me to proofread her papers. As her teacher says, even novelists have editors who look over their work, so why shouldn't students? When I look over her work, I'm usually looking for spelling or grammatical errors (I don't trust spell/grammar check on the computer). Occasionally, I'll suggest another word which might work better to emphasize her point. But for the most part, I won't interfere if they don't want me to.

On my middle child's birthday, she came home from school and told me she needed to make 5 costumes for a video they were shooting at school the next day. FIVE COSTUMES IN ONE NIGHT! ON HER BIRTHDAY! She had volunteered to do it (she wants to be a fashion designer) and thought she could just throw them together with garbage bags and glitter. THEN she decided she needed to make them *awesome* and begged for my help...as in "Pleeeeeeease, take me to the fabric store! Pleeeeeease! It can be my birthday present! I NEEEED these costumes to be awesome!" So I did. And once she showed me what she wanted to do with the fabric, I helped her make the costumes. She demonstrated that she knew exactly how to make them (and yeah, they WERE awesome) and that it would simply take too long for her to make ALL of them by herself.

We spent her birthday evening in her room making those costumes for FOUR hours. It was fantastic! We talked, we laughed, it turned out to be one of our favorite times together. And when she pulled out those costumes the next day at school, her entire class gave her a standing ovation. She needed help, she asked for help and you bet I helped her. But had she known about the costumes weeks in advance and waited 'til the last minute, well, THAT would have been a different scenario.

I'm guessing many of us concerned, loving moms feel the same way. Love this post.

Here's my experience - my mom was overly involved. Because of that, I never felt that what I did was good enough. I didn't take chances, didn't try new things, and feared failure because the message of her involvement was loud and clear - do not fail, do not do it wrong. That's a little stark, but if my mom had taken a step back, provided encouragement, allow for "failure" whew, what a different jr. high/high school experience I would have had.

Its tough to know when to move in, when to back off. You're daughter is right at that age. Its wonderful you are so aware!!

I have stressed right from the beginning - get to work on a project as soon as it is assigned.
If you finish early then you can relax.
If something needs to be fixed/altered - you'll have the time to do it.
If you wait till the last minute, you'll be exhausted, your work will be sloppy and you won't get as good a grade as you otherwise might have.

When he was young I showed him how to make an outline - write out the questions you must answer from the rubric - one per half page - then find the answers and write a paragraph for each question.
Then put the whole thing together and polish it.
Just knowing how to DO that helps ENORMOUSLY!
You'd be surprised how many kids don't know how to do an outline even though middle school.
Kids will flounder if they don't know how to start.
It's ok to show them how to go about it.

At this point (he's 14 in 8th grade) he asks my opinion if he's stuck on something or he has me proof read a report when he's almost done.
His work is very good and he just got accepted into our local STEM program.

I help when asked; I review the work, not necessarily for the right answers, but to be sure she has grasped the concept. Like in math, if I see that she understands the concept, but made an error in addition or whatever, I leave it. I'm not trying to ensure that she gets straight A's, I'm just trying to ensure that she understands what she's doing and if not, then I step in and help.

As for projects, I might make a suggestion, but I only suggest one time and leave it at that. Again, it's her project. She will get the grade SHE deserves and has earned. If she is having trouble on the project and asks for help with a specific aspect, I will help with that, but when that part's over, I turn it back over to her.

Sometimes I think "she should have done x or y or z," but again, it's her project and I want her to walk into the classroom with something she's proud of whether I particularly like it or not.

Make no apologies for wanting to be involved in your child's education! I wish more parents were involved in what goes on at school--without actually doing the project. Middle school students usually don't just figure things out on their own...they need guidance with enough room for trial and error.

It's not nice to "should" on people, including yourself. Our lives are so full of how it "should" be that we rarely have the ability to deal with "what is."
Expectations are the road to hell. Whether those expectations are for us or for our children. Be kind to yourself and your daughter and release the shoulds and allow yourself to come up with simple healthy solutions based on what is. For example, Instead of the thought; "my daughter shouldn't be a procrastinator." You simple sit with: " my daughter is a procrastinator." Then you can explore why, like one mom suggested she may be afraid of failing. Then you address her fears rather than just the symptom. This worked amazingly with my daughter. We sat down and explored her fearful thinking, questioned it deeply, and came up with strategies for working around that fear.

I highly recommend you seek out the audiobooks for Parenting Teens with Love and Logic. It will explain child development in a way that makes sense and really explains why being a helicoptor mom is counterproductive to healthy learning. As long as you rescue a child from their consequences they can never learn. One parent mentioned talking to them about the future and what college is like. This will not work. Children, in fact adults too, don't learn through talking, they learn through experience. We don't want to rescue them from the consequences we want to support them and give them tools to learn from the consequences.

I think all kids are different. A hands off approach might work for some kids while it doesn't for other kids and it also might change with age. So I don't think someone can say "this is what works". Might just be luck, might be timing etc. I know people who said they never needed prodding or help with their schoolwork while their siblings did. So I'm not there yet but it sounds like you're doing fine. Given she's doing pretty well, hovering too much might make her feel like she can't do anything right. She's not falling down so I'd keep comments like font size to yourself unless she asks you to review it and make suggestions. It's so hard though I know. My parents barely looked at my homework or projects EVER and I did very well in school. But was it a different time? Are all the other parents helping more? Ugh

My DD is in 8th grade. I might help her brainstorm a project if she asks me to - she really likes to talk things out and bounce ideas off someone else. Other than that, I provide materials and the means to obtain them. I once mail-ordered plastic lobsters for a science project. Cost doesn't usually concern me as long as it's reasonable. Once she has the materials, it's up to her to complete the project herself and on time. She is good at planning ahead. Teachers know which students had too much help from a parent. I've always let her present her projects SHE completed. There is no better feeling than knowing you did something yourself. Then it's your achievement.

As far as your child waiting until the last minute? That would drive me crazy, but maybe she works better under pressure? Some kids do, I don't, but it works for some people.

i never felt this need to be in the middle of my kids' school work. even as a homeschooler i let them develop their own coping techniques, and it seems to have worked out well, at least looking at their college and work experiences.
i think you handled it just right, even if you're second-guessing yourself now. you would disempower her by making 'suggestions' about the font or colors.
good for you for stifling yourself.
keep it up, mama!
khairete
S.

I'm not a parent of a middle schooler so I can't answer your question. But thinking back to middle school and high school I wish my parents were more involved with projects and homework. Such as looking it over for spelling errors and suggestions and that type of thing. Not I did badly in school but always felt like they didn't care too much as long as it got done. I vow to help my kids out more than my parents did, but of course not do it for them. I used to judge Science Fair projects and I could always tell when a parent did more work than the kid.

Our DS is still in daycare, so I can't speak for my own parenting. I can't recall my parents getting involved in my homework, ever. The sort of aid/ assistance we might want was to be taken to the library to get books for a project, or to the stationers for some oak tag.

I was lucky enough to be bright and self motivated. I put out work that got top grades with little to no effort. I breezed through college too, and only first had to learn how to study when I hit law school, because there was too much volume for even me to deal with.

Good for you for recognizing your helicopter ways. Good for you for stepping back. It might be worthwhile for you and her that she get involved in something which requires her to work hard and be challenged to get good results (doesn't have to be academic). Learning how to tackle a tough problem, work at a thing slowly and over time, and try again for best results are important skills.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I helped IF she asked me to, and ONLY to the extent that she asked me to. I did not offer unsolicited advice or opinions. Her projects were supposed to demonstrate HER understanding from HER perspective, not mine.

Updated

You are growing. You are doing a good job. This is just your age, lol!
I would say you are doing pretty good and making good choices on when to help and when to hold back. Living with a middle schooler is like learning to drive with someone else at the wheel! Now, if you had a BOY..you would have had a heart attack by now!

This was my youngest in middle school. We were on our way to a concert. I was in a pretty good calm mood that day so I ask, very calmly, so how do you FEEL about not having your music or sticks (percussionist) for the last three out of the four concerts.

He leans in closely, crosses his legs, mimics my calm voice and says,
Well, Dr. Phil, I feel pretty good that I got them 25 percent of the time!

I can't help it, I burst out laughing!

Just wing it. You are doing ok! It's not brain surgery! Same son went to oldest's college visits and finally understood that if he was in top ten percent, they had to admit him to Texas college. He will graduate in the top 5 percent in his class!

A lot of times a person procrastinates because they're a perfectionist. They're afraid of getting it wrong. So they put it off not wanting to deal with the pressures of possibly not getting it perfect.

Does she ask for your help? I help as needed.

You did well! Pat yourself on the back and don't be so hard on yourself!

I have a 12-year-old who starts middle school in the fall. She's good about starting things very early, partly because she realized a while ago that "If I do it up front and early, I have more time later to (play, dance, watch TV later in the week, whatever.)" But some kids just do things later in the cycle. If your daughter is doing that and doing OK, you can leave it -- but if your daughter leaves things but then gets stressed and upset those last few days before something's due, that's not something I'd allow to continue.

Does the middle school have any counselor-led classes for kids on time management and study habits? The middle schools around here all offer something like that especially for seventh graders, to help them develop better study habits well before they hit high school. If your daughter is stressed by the way she works, look into that. If she is not stressed and her grades are OK - you may just have to let her go ahead with her way of working.

It sounds like she did a wonderful job-and perhaps content will outweigh graphic design, color palette, etc?? I often speak of my five children-I helped when I was needed and prodded and encouraged when needed. To this day, I am still helping; a year and a half ago, I flew out to my daughter's school to help her finish summer school at college. I helped her prepare her study guides and she took the exams. I helped her pack, consign stuff, rent a u haul , filled it with her stuff and drove her back to Maryland. Before we left, I cleaned her 4 bedroom townhouse so she and her roommates (who had already left school) would get back the majority of their security deposit. I was happy to do it and my youngest daughter only required five minutes of my help all through school-so no biggie. My middle son, whom I literally sat on in order for him to get his work done, is the one now in grad school-go figure. My son with the 148 IQ didn't go to college; he is a true "Basso Profundo" who could probably have gone to Julliard-yet, wouldn't. What do you think I would do to facilitate that? You're right-anything! I'm crying as I write this because it all went so fast-keep hovering as needed-it does make a difference.

You sound like a good parent and your daughter sounds like the average child.

I admit I probably help more than I should at this point in the fact that I help my daughter come up with the ideas and allow her to execute the parts that I know she can do. She is in 2nd grade.

I do think its a childs personality though. My youngest I can tell will be more involved and hands on. She is only in Kindergarten and has to do show and tell presentations that aren't just the average "Here's my item" She needs to make 3 points on her topic. In the beginning I would work on her memorizing what to say, but found that to be stressful as she didn't want the help. So I let her go and low and behold she does a great job all on her own. However, my 2nd grader whom has presentations also, can't read all that, doesn't know where to start, can't come up with the ideas and so on....so yes I find myself assisting her.

I hope to be in your spot one day, as I'm more of a perfectionist and trying my best to accept that my children need to do things to the best of their ability and/or let them accept the consequences. I hope to get better in time!

i didin't read all answers sorry most seem good, didn't notice anyone mention that maybe having a causal converastion w dd about how at college you have to manage your time better and that even in HS subject matter will probably be harder and it won't be so easy to do it last minute, plant that seed and see if it can help her stop the procrastinating. also right when she gets the assigment take her to the store for materials so she gets excited and wants to start working on it. might help.

She sounds a bit like my oldest who is smart enough i don't need to stay on him all the time and can easily get B's and low A's with no effort. But if i stay on him and he really worked up to potentional his stuff would be awesome. and i'm sure he would be much more proud of himself.

it's a hard line. ANd my youngest is not team player, she wants no imput from me, it's all exactly the first thought that hatched out of her head, no revision no help from anyone. and alot of times it stinks. and i'm really stuck because she does not want the help. but again is only in second grade and really doesn't have a framework for how it should be. frustrating.

Hi K.,

I think it is good to be involved, and know what happens with your kids at school and what they need to do, but it is not good to be extremely involved and do homework or projects for them. You guide, you support, you assist and you give them resources (good place to study, supplies, textbooks, etc) , but you stop there.

yes (ugh). though they are in third grade, i do supervise (more like check their hw afterwards), and i study with them and ask them questions. hope to god i don't have to do this in middle school but if they need me to i will. as for projects (again they're young) i do help with ideas but they have to do it otherwise.

I'm not really involved at that stage. My kids are now a senior in HS (very serious about the school work) and an 8th grader (not as serious and more likely to slack). The 8th grader needs to manage on his own. I don't get involved in projects unless he asks me to pick up something he needs or proof something. I do check his grades online frequently. If he does poorly on a project because he didn't put in the effort, or badly on a test because he did not take the initiative to go to extra help when it's offered, then there is a punishment. I don't have to do that much anymore. And my kids were always the ones whose projects looked like a third grader made them, not like a parent made them, because I didn't. HOnestly, I would ask her teachers/guidance counselor how much helping they feel you should be doing. Part of their job is to help her with her organizational skills, so if they know she's struggling there, they can offer guidance but if you're covering that up by managing her work for her, they can't help her toward independence. Once HS came around, my daughter didn't have a planner that she had to show parents, I never knew what she had due when. That info was not given to parents, it was expected that by HS, they could manage on their own, and by then, they really must because college truly is just around the corner and you won't be there checking on the status of her term papers.

I know the only time my parents helped with homework at that age was when I asked for help. I don't think they ever hovered or asked about due dates, etc. I was also an honor student, though, so I guess they trusted I would stay on top of things.

I'm trying so hard not to be a helicopter parent with our kids. I'm learning this year with our 10-year-old to ask about homework and set rules that he has to get it done or no privileges, but otherwise I stay out of the way unless he asks for help. I think it's good to let him take responsibility. With our six-year-old, however, I'm still helicoptering (although never doing her work). I hope to ease up a bit in a couple years.

It's tough to get the right balance!

You know, per kids and their homework no matter what age or grade they are: there is doing the homework for the kid, or assisting them/guiding them, or just not even paying attention to what the child is learning in school and for homework.

My kids are 6 and 10.
I always know, what their homework is.
I do not do it, for them.
But if needed, YES they can ask me questions about it and I assist them... not giving them the answer, but guiding them.
I also know, each of my kids' academic strengths and weaknesses.
I also communicate with my kids' Teachers if need be.
I don't nag my kids.
I know the deadlines of things.
I look in their planners, because, the parents are required to sign off on it... daily.
I know, what my kids are doing, in school, and what they get for homework.
I don't correct my kids' homework mistakes. The Teacher needs to see, where they are lacking.

Now, I have many friends that are Teachers.
Of all grades.
And they all say, that the kids who have parents that are involved in their child's education and learning, are more... successful. Versus the kids who's parents have NO idea, about what their kid is doing in school, these kids suffer more and are not, as on par.
Then, my Husband, when he was a child, he was pretty much on his own. This was in all grades. His parents, felt he just had to be independent about it. They did not help him or guide him on school/homework. They at times, didn't even know what grade he was in.
So as a parent now... he is very involved with our kids, per school. He does not nag or do it for them nor pressure them... but he KNOWS, what each kid is doing, and he also teaches them LOTS of other things. He is in touch, with the kids per school.

If my kid is suffering or floundering in school, you bet I will assist them. Not doing it for them, not hovering.... but making sure they have what is needed to improve. That to me, is the role of a Parent.

AND keep in mind, that kids do not have "automatic" knowledge nor inherent skills.... for studying nor how to organize themselves nor how to time manage. Not even some adults in an office, know how to do that successfully. Not even some College kids, know how.
And as one school staff told me... a child, NEEDS to learn, HOW to organize themselves/learn timelines of planning ahead/learn how to pace things out. Because, this, is NOT taught in schools.
Thus, the parent, has to teach them.
The kids that have no support at home.... often will flounder in these areas.

In our house, it depends upon the project.. with creative ones, I have to admit, I helicopter..... :) and that's because I am a creative person who likes to do those types of projects. However, there have been other homework assignment/projects whereby I don't help, but would IF my son allowed it.. lately, at 11 years of age, he is becoming very independent and prefers I not help :(
so I say... if your child needs it, be there to help.. if not.. then don't and trust in your child..

You are doing great. A few suggestions here and there is fine, like info about font size, but otherwise staying out of it is best.