Today is one of those days where I feel like screaming....I have been separated from my ex for a year and 1/2 more than that but officially a year and 1/2 we still share a house kind of (he cheated and lied for years) and I think I've gone mad! I have these idealistic visions of us being friends, eventually being friends with eachother SO's if there are any..I feel I've been very understanding and tried to go about this logically I hold no ill feelings for all he did, I take partial responsibility, I still love him as a family member (we were together since 14 so hes now like an annoying brother) and we have a therapist to work on any issues related with our daughter so there will be no fighting and we can coparent together well.....but still every once in a while I feel I've gone mad and this is too idealistic....we try and sleep out when the other one has our daughter at home, now that he doesnt have a gf hes been sleeping home more, and expects me to wake him in the morning to give our daughter a kiss goodbye....for me this seems too much, not only does it interupt our schedule and put us behind and make me late for work, it also is the fact that he really shouldn't be interupting my time with her. I dont know how to go about stating this logically and not in a mean way...or am I being mean and should I get her up 10 min earlier these days to say goodbye to him (but I feel thats about him and not her) idk any suggestions would be good...our house is on the market so hopefully it sells and things will be easier! I told him that if he wants to say goodbye I leave the same time each day and he can get up atleast 10 min before we leave and help her put shoes on or something while giving her a hug goodbye so it doesnt interupt our schedule...he feels this is not right and he shuolldn't have to help on my days..I forgot to wake him today in the morning rush..and now he is being inanely grumpy and sending me bratty emails at work...I'm trying to be civil...on days like this I feel my idealistic visions of friendly coparents are far from reality...luckily by the time we interact again we will have both cooled off....but ahhhhhhhh sorry venting...suggestions are welcome please=)
oh and getting back together is not an option (his therpaist agrees we are not right for one aother as do I....we had this horrible I chase him and hes crappy to me relationship for years and then evnetually he learned how to lie to avoid fighting and get what he wanted, so we looked perfect...even though we never fought (we were fake)...odd i know...but I enabled his bad behaviors..)
I am not against him kissing her goodbye..I am fine with that, I'm not saying its my day you cant, I'm asking that he get up on his own and if he wants to talk....to help her with her shoes or something so it doesnt make us run late...I have to drop her off at school and then be at work and only have a short time window to do this... I'm more agnst me having to wake him up, and he doesnt want just a kiss, he wants to talk to her hug her....whch is good, hes a good dad, but its also selfish because then I have to drop her off at pre-k with only a minute to spare and then she doesnt get a few minutes for me to hang in her pre-k before the day with her.
Also we do have family time still the 3 of us, for her to see us work and coparent togehter...but we do try and be out when the other one has her,the same as if someone worked night work 3 days a week, she knows these are my days with mommy , these are my daddy days and on sundays we eat dinner together and when tis nice out do a group activity for her sake
I agree with you. If he wants to kiss her goodbye, he can put on his big boy panties and set his own alarm. And I'd totally ignore any emails from him that are not child-care related.
Lame. J. have her run in and kiss him before you guys leave.
He sounds like he's the child in the house. Make him get up and give his daughter a kiss if it's important to him. What a big brat. And I agree with the reply that he's no role model for your daughter!
I think these 2 books might be helpful to you
http://www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Relationships-Avoid-Tho...
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/d...
I may be one of the few moms who know what you are going through, Andy and I have been/were? a couple for 11 years and we had been friends prior to that so basically we have been in each others lives for 17 years. We are awful as a couple...for MANY reasons...but he is not a terrible person and he certainly does love his kids...against all better judgement we are living in a now bigger place ( 4 bedrooms) and we split finances down the middle
( well mostly down the middle, I did J. lose my big cleaning job and am down to cleaning once a week so money is going to get really tight if I do not find something soon) but we have separate bedrooms now and we get along so much better. We are more like best friends than anything. I do not know if it is confusing for the kids or not...but we do things as a family...he has never once told M. he could not help out on "my day" we don't really do the whole your day my day deal....that would cause Major arguments I think.
We J. try to be civil and respectful. I do not think we have had one argument since we moved to the bigger place.
I did like the bit of advice of having her run in and kiss daddy, you should not have to wake him up.
Have her go kiss him. If it's not enough for him, let him know what time his alarm needs to go off to have time with her before your SET DEPARTURE TIME. WOW. he's being lame.
Also, the whole picture seems like trouble. If he cheated for years and trashed the marriage, I wouldn't break your neck making him an equal partner in everything so he can be the number one male influence on your daughter co-parenting with you.
Your daughter is young, and you and her dad are never getting back together. He's home more now because he doesn't have a gf. What happens when he does again? And then doesn't. And then does. What kind of man will your daughter seek for herself one day if you never provide for her a model of how to be totally independent, OR have a great husband?
You take partial responsibility for his cheating? Because you introduced him to the other ladies and asked him to have affairs with them and asked them to comply? OH, you mean because you weren't perfection, and his life wasn't blessed and stress free enough so he had the right? (stay away from therapists-they're all about "cheaters needs weren't being met" yuck. who the heck ever gets all their needs met? Talk about insult to injury-you're to BLAME for being cheated on?!) OK sorry, tangent.
Yes, I think you're having some sugar plums. Your daughter is young. You guys are never getting back together. Don't be afraid to make some more decisive moves. You're stressed for a reason!
This sounds like trouble all the way around. I think it is great you want to maintain a home of sorts for your child and each have consistent time for her. But it seems to M. you are making up the rules as you go. It can't be "your time" if he is there? If you are both in the house, you must co-parent. If your daughter said, I want to eat lunch with Daddy, woudl you say, "No, It's my day with you." What a mess! And I don't see how this can work unless you have seperate living quarters in a house almost like a duplex.
And how are either of you going to establish a steady normal family relationship in the future if you live together. Your daughter will need a model of a nuclear family, not one where mommy and daddy date and stay out at their SO homes because they can't come to her home??
And about kidding his daughter in teh morning... You should not begrudge that and you should make time for it. What a good dad. However, he should set his alarm and get his own butt out of bed. You are not his mom. However, you could also say, "Run and kiss daddy goodbye" like I do with my husband if he sleeps in.
Your hearts is really in the right place, but gee whiz, what a mess!
ADDED - I reread. He shouldn't have to help on your days? He is nuts too.
Hi, Jen:
Check out the PA Council of Mediators and see if you
can find a divorce mediator or a mediator that will help
you all set up an agreement.
Good luck.
D.
