Appropriate Kindergarten Punishment

Instead of focusing on *punishing* her I would focus on changing her behavior using discipline and guidance. Talk with her. Ask her why she did what she did. That's the first step in getting her to think about her actions BEFORE she acts.... First you have to get her think about what she already did.

You need to make it clear that there are other, healthy ways to express how she is feeling. Make HER come up with alternative behaviors that she can express when she is angry or bored.

Before school - talk with her about these options. When she gets home talk with her about the decisions that she made that day and let her know you are proud of her when she behaves correctly.

Let her know the consequences of her actions are that she won't have anyone who wants to be her friend and school if she does not treat people correctly.

Is this a CHANGE in behavior? If so, you need to find out why. kids don't just all of sudden start basically assaulting other kids without a reason. So, find out what is going on in her world.

I once grounded my daughter over a weekend for unacceptable behavior, which included having to miss a birthday party for which I had already bought a gift. I delivered the gift to the birthday child, and told the mother that my daughter had gotten herself grounded.

I like Megan's answer.

Perhaps some "social stories" to illustrate proper behavior? My son is a visual learner, and when I do a "comic strip" of how to behave, he gets it more easily.

What we usually do is we handle the situation with an immediate consequence. Then we allow her to "earn" the privilege of going to the party by doing extra things. My daughter often comes up with the "extra things" herself. Not only does it give her the hope that she can earn something back by being good (making her miss the party just leads to more bad behavior because she figures she's already in trouble, so make the most of it!), but it also teaches her about righting the wrongs. Perhaps she should do something nice for the child she wronged at school like write an apology note, make a card or give up a toy.

I want my daughter to know that there will be consequences if you mess up, but that you can always fix something.

If you choose not to send her to the party, I highly suggest you bring her during the party to drop off the gift so she can see what she's missing. I know that a few times my daughter has not earned back the right to go to something and just missing it wasn't really enough because she wasn't able to see what she's missing. Instead she just played with toys at home and seemed almost unaffected. The next time she didn't earn back the right to go I did make her bring the gift over during the party. She cried all the way home. My goal wasn't to reduce her to tears, but I did see that she felt the consequences.

I have to say that she's never had to miss a party again due to bad behavior.

I would call the mom and explain what happened. If there are a four or more kids attending the party, I would keep her home. If there are only 2 - 3 kids, including yours, I would let her go and find a different punishment. Maybe no cake?

Or, if you want to keep the punishment to today, since her bad behavior happened today, you could have her write an 'I'm sorry' note to both kids.

Personally I think school behavior should be dealt with at school, and home behavior at home. I mean, she's not "punished" at school for what she does at home, right?
Anyway, I'm not sure what making her miss the party will teach her. Will it teach her self control, appropriate behavior? It seems like THAT's the bigger issue. If she already has these kinds of behavioral issues I would say she needs MORE social opportunities, not less (and I would stay with her at the party and observe how she acts.)
I just don't see how removing her from the group teaches her how to get along with the group, that seems counter intuitive. It seems like that would just make her more isolated and less likely to learn how to get along with others. At this age you need to be TEACHING her how to behave, not punishing her for being immature and making poor decisions.

I would call the parents and tell them that your daughter is unable to go (no need to get into why, IMO), how would they like to receive the gift?

We skipped a NYE party because my DD was acting horribly and now I only have to remind her about that and she shapes up. It made an impression.

I would also discuss with the teacher and/or guidance office what happens at school and how THEY handle it, too.

Something my friend is dealing with is her DD not keeping her hands to herself (just stupid things) and she found that changing her DD's bedtime 30 mins earlier and limiting sugar has helped her DD, also in K.

You are not "punishing" the birthday girl because your daughter can't go. I'm sure there will be other guests. Sounds like you're giving yourself an excuse to let her go.

She absolutely should not go. If she were just talking it would be one thing. But poking a kid in the eye and pulling down another's pants? Those are very seriously behaviors that need to be nipped in the bud NOW. Having to miss a b-day party just might make a big enough impression.

And let her take the gift to the child at school on Tuesday.

i believe that several hours later is way too late to discipline a 5 or 6 year old for any infraction.

my son is 6. i talk to him about what happened and let him know i'm disappointed - but i also let him know that his teacher is in charge and A. i trust her to discipline him correctly, and B. she will tell me about it. that has worked so far.

not sure at what age it needs to come home (and probably depends on the kid) but we aren't there yet. i would dig deeper and help her with whatever is bothering her - obviously, something is, if this is new.

**to Mrslavallie: you have made it clear you are the kind of mom that would freak out over something like this - but did you see the part where she said the little girl's mom didn't even know about the eye-poking? apparently it was not a huge traumatic event, from the victim's point of view either.

i think it's always a poor idea to jump down your child's throat with as few details as we have here. and kids DO things like pulling pants down - my 6 year old thinks the word "poop" is the funniest thing he's ever heard. he wasn't taught that. it's a kid thing. this stuff happens - and it's certainly NOT sexual harassment. you say yourself she didn't mean it that way. don't put all this evil intent upon a child who has no idea what she's done. if ANY of this was malicious or intentional, then yes, there are bigger issues here. but kindergarteners, by nature, have impulse control issues. not all of them are as perfect as your children must be. it's also a medical, biological fact that a small child does not always comprehend cause and effect when it is hours later. so no need for the virtual tongue-lashing. as silly and preposterous as you seem to think the majority of our responses are- yours seemed equally so. **

Punishment is only one form of discipline. Positive reinforcement is another. For kids still in lower grades, they are learning boundaries and embarked upon the very long journey of building impulse control.

Punishing hours or days later, and using non-related forms of punishment for an impulsive, in-the-moment act is not generally considered very helpful. Presumably, she was already punished at school. Doubling that (or extending over days) can be counterproductive for many children. They eventually end up feeling like they are "always" in trouble anyway, so why not do what they want – at least they get some fun or satisfaction that way.

And of course, sometimes the bad behavior is attention-seeking, so even punishment is better than not being noticed.

Positive reinforcement may work as well or better. A chart for days when nothing serious happened, building toward a reward for some number of stars/stickers. Noticing those moments when your daughter was helpful, cheerful, cooperative, or has clearly succeeded in overcoming some impulse.

I also hope you'll read the lovely and practical little book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. We don't usually think about young children in these terms, but they can be creative problem solvers. Plus, kids are more invested in solutions they think of themselves, and are more likely to work at making them a success. This book teaches parents how to get there in easy steps that you can practice at the end of each clear, well-illustrated chapter.

Do not let her go! Explain to the birthday girls mom what happened at school.

She has only done two things, so I think it's a little too soon to think this is a trend that requires a lot of discipline.

She might not have purposely poked the kid in the eye, and she might have thought trying to pull the kid's pants down a little was funny, or, was seeking attention.

Tell her not to poke kids in the eye because that hurts a lot, and that pulling down pants isn't funny, so don't do it.

Let her go to the party, and see how next week goes. There's no indication that this is the start of major behavior problems. She's been in school all year, and this was the first week she's been in trouble, if I understand your question.

I do think you need to let the teacher manage this in the classroom. She is obviously not learning anything by it being at home. She needs to have instant consequences like not getting recess, going to the principles office, time out from other activities like playing with toys, she needs to get the consequences at school and not at home. There is no correlation.

Personally...I would not allow my child to attend a birthday party, if he did what your daughter did. I would make sure the mom knows she isn't coming, and make sure the girl gets the gift soon.

if she is acting like this a school aren't you just tempting her to act like that at the bday party? sugary cake lots of excitement, even kids with out troubles get wound up at parties,

to me her behavior at school is telling you something is wrong. she is too tired, or stressed about something, or to immature for the environ.... etc. that problem would probably be amplified at a party unless, like soemoen said .. .unless it's a smal party with just a few kids she gets along well with. if the kid she pokes is there you are aking for a repeat.

plus do you want to face those other parents at the party??

Does she feel remorseful? If yes, there is no need to punish her. I would talk to her with you and her dad (if you're married to her father). Not from a bad girl point of you but "why did you poke a kid's eye with a pencil you could hurt someone." If that doesn't help, take her to a therapist. I would let her go to the party.

Sometimes kids do things that they don't think about, like little puppies tearing up a rug. Let her go with to the party and frankly have a discussion with her about your house rules (if you don't have any, make them) explain that there will be consequences for misbehavior, and rewards for good behavior. Get the family together and talk about honoring one another and honoring the family outside the home. Do this now or she will walk all over you in the near future.

I'm surprised that everyone seems to think your daughter's behavior is no big deal. Poking someone in the EYE? Pulling someone's PANTS down? Both of these things are AWFUL! This is not some little misbehavior that should only be dealt with at school. Of COURSE you ought to be punishing her at home as well...she could cause SERIOUS injury to someone by poking them in the eye, and pulling someone's pants down is literally sexual harrassment. I know SHE probably doesn't see it that way, but yeesh...who taught her that pulling down someone's pants was funny or okay?

I would let her go to the party because you're right, it's not fair to punish another child. However, I would ABSOLUTELY continue to punish at home for things like this. If it were some minor infraction, then I would agree with the other mamas that the school can take care of it...but this is really more than that. If these are "minor" incidents, then what would constitute a major incident?

(Sorry...not trying to take this out on you at all. I think YOU are doing the right thing, and have gotten some poor advice. I think one of the major problems in public school these days is that everyone seems to be taking that same attitude of "Oh, let the teacher handle it. School is school, home is home.")

I don't think keeping her home from the party is necessary at this age. However, I would tell her that if she misbehaves at the party you will take her home immediately. By letting her go to the party, you have an opportunity to help her learn appropriate behavior around other children and can point out to her other kids behaving in ways that you think are good. If you show her good examples, it might help to improve her own actions.

As for punishing her, I do think you should do something. Is taking away computer/TV time meaningful to her? Is that something she would miss the most? Or, does she have a favorite toy that you could take away for a couple of days?

It sounds like attention-seeking behavior, so I would also make sure you're giving her a chance to talk freely about school and any outside activities. Find out if something is bothering her. Don't do too much talking yourself - ask her open ended questions and, rather than truly replying, just say "mmhmmm" or something similar to get her to keep going for awhile longer. Maybe you'll find something that's bugging her.

Are you and her father living together? If not, find out if anything is going on at his house that might be upsetting her.

If this is new for your daughter you need to figure out what is going on.
Can you punish her tonight, stay with her at the party tomorrow, watch her like a hawk, and take her home the second she misbehaves?? That really is how children learn, someone needs to watch her very carefully (hard for a teacher with 10-20 students, hard for a mom with more kids than she can handle) Kids learn when neither mom nor teacher can watch them all the time that they can get away with bad behavior.

I always feel like I should have my child miss the party, the scout event, or whatever is going on that weekend. But then, I feel like it's being terribly rude to the hosts who have paid for my child's spot...And it's sad for the birthday child who wants my chidl at the party. It's a tough one. Usually, I take away screen time instead since that is valuable to my children

Cheerful M had some great advice. I use the "earning it back" system too. My eldest is also one who will just behave worse when punished. She responds very well to earning it back.

Wow, I am so surprised by some of the answers. If my children were naughty at school, they got in trouble at home. (my punishment consisted of talking about what they did and decide what they can do different next time as well as write a letter of apology to the teacher and whoever else was affected). They are old enough to understand that what they did is wrong. Me, I have had parents cancel on me before for a child s behavior trust me, we all would understand. I would personally have the child go to the party with the present and explain to the child why they could not attend. Not that I have ever had to do that. No my kids are not perfect, by any stretch, but they know if they get into trouble there will be consequences.

Its too much for her to be disciplined at home and at school. Let the school discipline her for school issues and you deal with home issues at home.

I see no problem letting her go to the birthday party. She isn't bad---she needs guidance and structure. There is no need to keep punishing her. What was the punishment from the school? Did she apologize? Teach her what she should do in these situations and give her a little time to role play with you and it will help. Have you talked with her about personal boundaries and space? Teach her about her body and how important it is to keep it safe and to let others keep their bodies safe. Tell her what you expect of her from the party. Then let the birthday mom know that if there are any issues, to call and you will come take her home. Say this to birthday mom in front of your daughter so she knows you mean business. GL

I would call the mother of the birthday girl. I would tell you her that due to a behavior thing you are thinking of keeping your girl home, but that you know that sometimes parties are based on the number of kids and you don't want to punish the birthday girl and you don't want to ruin any of the plans that might be counting on her being there. Be honest and open and let the mother of the birthday girl decide. Seriously, I have been the mom who has made favors and planned games and then had a family keep two children home because "they didn't get their room clean." and it made me madder then heck because it was a tiny party to begin with and I'd gone to great lengths to make it special for my kiddo and we'd handmade favors, etc. Losing the two kids made things really, really hard. So ask the mom. And if she seems like it isn't a big deal, keep your girl home. But if it is a big deal, take her and figure out a different consequence.

When she receives a consequence, she feels guilty. That will stop her from misbehaving. If she receives a consequence at school, she feels guilty and already has learned a lesson, so punishment her at home has no impact. The teacher handles school behavior. Let her go to the party.