Anyone in Here a Birthmom??

I haven't been there and would never want to presume to know how tough this is. I do believe you are an incredibly strong person for having placed your child with a good home. I really want you to know that I really commend you for doing that!

Then only thing I can offer is simply a reminder that kids at that age often say incredibly hurtful things, that they don't really mean, because they are upset. He probably doesn't mean it and doesn't fully realize how much he's hurt you. Kind of like when I use to yell at my mom and say, "You don't love me." I knew she loved me. I was just upset and wanted to get her attention and show her how mad I was. Never in a million year did I want to hurt her as much as I probably did.

I'm sure your son didn't really want to hurt you that much. He's just a kid. Just keep loving him and answering his questions honestly. I think you're both doing great!

I am not the birth mom as you are but the adoptive mom. The mother of my son was as you were a young teenage mom. I feel that she wanted to keep him but could not do for him all the things needed. She as you did a very unselfish thing and did so after much deep thought to give your child up for adoption.

There have been many times I wonder how she is doing and how she feels about the child she loved so much that she gave away. Words are hard to express the feeling on either side of the coin. My adoption was closed and only the child can petition the court to find out who the parents are/were. He has never expressed an interest and he is 37 years old.

As the other poster stated children sometimes say things that hurt but they do not know how deep the hurt goes. One day the two of you will sit down for a very long time and you can explain why you did what you did. He will be older and he will be able to understand the situation better. Maybe one day they will meet and have a bond or friendship.

My best to you.

The other S.

Adopted child here (closed adoption, my bio mom was 15 yrs old) and I can easily say that while I was told from day one that I was adopted that I did not grasp the gravity of what that means until I was in my teens. I know I said things to my parents that probably hurt them too. He is not old enough to "get it" yet and you will just have to be patient. I think all you can do is constantly assure him that you love and want him. My daughter (only child) was mad at me for years for not giving her a baby brother or sister to play with. Just know that you did what was right for you. Best wishes.

C.
I am a birth mom. Open adoption 15 yrs ago. But up until 3 yrs ago we had very little contact. Then HE decided he wanted to know his brothers and sister. So we see each other twice a year. I also told my kids about him all along. The situation was very different, I was in an abusive relationship and could not risk any more harm to me or my kids therefore gave the baby with him to his sister who could not have kids herself.
The whole situation is hard. Open adoption or not. New kids since the adoption or older siblings. They cannot grasp the concept.
It really sounds like your 8 yr old was just wanting attention from you. He was bored and did not want to play by himself. He lashed out. You are safe, he can do this and know that you will still be there. I would explain to him that it did hurt your feelings. That's all, don't get too deep, he won't get it. But he needs to know that saying things to purposely hurt someone is not the way to treat people.
Keep your chin up. Things get better. They always do. It takes time, but it will happen!
Good luck and God Bless!

D.

I saw your other post.

Just wanted to say, Hugs.

Gosh this is so hard huh?

He is having a hard time.... maybe if you both go to Counseling???

You don't have to explain the hardship of teen pregnancy etc.
It may be too much for him to understand, at his age.

You already spoke to him about this before.
He does not understand.
Its his age and development/maturity.

Maybe counseling would be a good route to try.
He is obviously having emotion based issues... about many things.
And where he fits into, in all of this.
He does not understand "adoption." Or why.

Maybe he feels, "he" will be given away? Thus he is clingy with you???

Have the 2 boys ever met each other?
If that were possible.

Hi C.
I just wanted to pipe in for a second because I have an adopted daughter. My utmost love and respect goes out to you birthmoms. Words alone could not express the gift you have given. With our daughter- she knows she did not grow in my belly, she knows that her mom&dad and her older brother were not there when she was an infant and the years that led up to now, she knows that we chose her. She had a difficult past and yet she is still so very trusting. So full of life and so giving. She is an inspiration to me. My heart hurts sometimes because I love her so much. I know one day she will search for her birthmom and I'm ok with that. I will do all I can to help her do that if thats what she needs. She could've ended up anywhere with anyone but God entrusted her with me. How lucky am I !! ;)
I guess I'm just saying 'thank you' to you birthmoms, I know thats not your question but I felt compelled to.

<Laughing> CLEVER little buggers, aren't they? Kids, I mean. Regardless of what "it" is, they wriggle out the phrase or action that is going to hurt us the most / what they think will get them what they want.

Counseling. There isn't going to be a good way for him to understand any of this at his age.

C.,
I am not a birthmom but I was adopted. I don't have any advice for you I just wanted to tell you what you did for your son was heroic. My bio mom was 16 when I was born and my bio father- lets just say- not a good guy. I am so grateful to her for wanting to give me a better life and sacrificing herself and her feelings to give me a chance.
Hugs to you and thank you for doing such an amazing, selfless thing for your son and his family.
A.

I'm so sorry that happened. I have never been in your position, but I have been a stupid kid who said a stupid thing to my dad when I was very angry. I was about the same age as your son, and to this day I regret saying it, especially since I saw tears well up in his eyes. It haunts me that I could have been so insensitive and has taught me how fragile feelings are and how destructive words can be.

I think he is old enough for you to talk to him about how deeply hurt you were by his words. He may or may not realize the impact his comment had on you, but he needs to know.

My mother gave me up and had my sister five years later. Because she gave me up to family, we were reunited although I only lived with her, my sister and step-father for a very short time because my step-father said he didn't want to be taking care of anyone else's kid. (and he didn't say it quite that clean). He said this when I was ten. I went back to live with my grandmother and ended up getting married at 17.

My step-father died a few years ago. I am in my 60's now and I am close with my birth mother and half-sister, but I have never been able to forget what he said about me and I wondered how my mom could have chosen him over me. I know it was a financial decision, but it still hurts when I think about it too much.

Bottom line, you did the right thing if you were unable to care for your first born, just be careful how you explain thing to your second child and if you ever get a chance to talk to your first born same thing goes.

Blessings....