Anyone Else Homesick? Advice on Being Homesick...

Updated on August 03, 2011
J.G. asks from Minneapolis, MN
8 answers

We moved here a year and a half ago because my husband needed to essentially "find himself" career wise. That's the best way I can describe it.

The move was incredibly painful--away from our family and we were taking the only grandchild.

The first year we were here I wasn't sure how we were going to make it through and there were so many times I was so ready to just pack up and go home again. It was bad. My health suffered, our marriage suffered, our finances suffered most of all.

We hit rock bottom about 9 months into this whole "experiment", and then we pulled together and dug ourselves out of the terrible mess. And now, in the last 5 months or so, things are really starting to look up. Our marriage is better than ever. My husband has matured SO much. Being around family allowed him to stay stuck being kind of childish, but being here he's realized he's responsible to and for his wife and child and he's an absolutely amazing husband and father. He and my son are SO close. Our finances are looking up and my health has improved. His job is starting to pay off in terms of the intrinsic rewards he was looking for but one things remains...

An incredible, gnawing, ache in the pit of my stomach and his. We. want. to. go. home.

The problem is, that it seems to be getting worse, not better. We have made friends and we are making friends. We are trying to put down roots here, even looking at houses to buy...but we leave feeling sick and sad and tearful. It's hard to explain, like you're in a bad dream...except nothing is really wrong and everything is going, by all accounts, well. Except that we feel like we are sinking into a life that isn't "us".

On the other hand, going "home" is full of its own problems. It's less of a wholesome place for kids to grow up, making our job a bit tougher as parents undoubtedly. Family drama (mostly of an annoying nature, not generally of a destructive nature but it does have its moments), family obligations (less family time for just our family), husband would be working more, we'd be starting over AGAIN, it's more expensive, lots of unknowns....but we'd be home, near family and--oddly, in a friendlier climate (which I never thought of as being a deal maker or breaker but it seems to factor into the homesick feeling). Hubby would also be making more money and our parents would be really involved with our son. Plus, there's more for kids to do.

I'd love to hear from people who've faced a similar dilemma or what your thoughts are on this situation. Ultimately, we're going to make the decision that is best for our family. We're not going to act on just what "feels good". Our feelings just seem to be so primal and defy logic.

What can I do next?

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I.G.

answers from Seattle on

I moved from Europe to Seattle when I got married. I was homesick for two years straight. In tears every weekend for a year, always just a click away from buying a ticket home...
but I also knew that I had made a commitment, to my husband, myself and that I wanted to make it work.
After a year, it started to ease. I only thought about getting on a plane home every other week, then maybe once a month... I also visited my family home for 3 or 4 weeks at a time and was reminded that not everything at home was as rosy as my memories would have me believe.
I found a job that I was really interested in and eventually our home became my home. I still get a little melancholic, especially around holidays, when it's hard not to have relatives close, but that passes quickly. I also stay in touch with my family and we talk every week, that helps as well.

It is all a matter of making the commitment to stick it out and make it work. It takes time, but for me it has been worth it.
Good luck!

5 moms found this helpful
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A.R.

answers from Omaha on

Are you 100% Sure home is still home? We moved from Southern IL to IA to central IL and then back to IA. The whole time we lived in central IL we wanted to move back to IA. Didn't like it, wanted to go home, was homesick, everything. We finally got the chance to move back home and hated it. We would love, Love, LOVE to move back to IL. Ufortunately at this point that is no longer possible. My advice is stick it out a little longer and make sure home is still home before you move. Things change and people change and things (even with family) are not always the same or the way you remember it!

2 moms found this helpful

J.S.

answers from Jacksonville on

Kinda sounds like us right now. We moved from Missouri to Florida, (talk about a change) a year and a half ago. We had to, my husband got a job offer we simply couldn't turn down. It has allowed me to stay home with my daughter, write a book that I've been wanting to do forever and become financially secure. However, we know no one down here. We really haven't made any friends, and we have only been out with just the two of us maybe three times, and each of those times was when we had family visiting and they babysat. We don't have any family drama (at least my side doesn't) and we are all really close. My parents are dirt poor so they can't afford to come down here. This year is turning out to be the hardest because we are only going to be able to make it back twice this year. I told my husband if this book series does well then we are going back home! I know we need to be here, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to be back with family.

2 moms found this helpful
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J.T.

answers from New York on

In many ways I can relate. I've been in my current area for over 13 years and I still think about "home". I asked a neighbor who also relocated I think 6 or 7 years ago where she considers home and she said "no where really". I've moved a lot in general but I think when I was single it was easier. My father told me once it takes 2 years for a new place to feel like home and he was right though again - that was when I was single. Ironically, it very soon may be the right time for us to move "back home" and now I'm not sure I want to! Finally our town etc is starting to feel like home. For me, a main reason is the neighbor who we've become close to. They have kids the same ages and also don't have family near-by so in a way we've become each other's family. We're not all that close yet but we're definitely each other's back-up, we're in and out of each other's houses all the time, get along so well etc. Both my husband and I had good friends from pre-kids but none so close-by now that everyone has scattered with their families that we could rely on them for help at the drop of a hat if we needed it. You said you've made friends but if you don't have friends like that yet, you'll most likely keep longing for your families. Your kids are young too and I really missed my mom then. Now it's much easier without family with my kids older but I still go through the pro's and con's of each area (opposite coasts) and still think of the town I grew up in as my home. I just love it there. But I do remember the saying "there's no going home again and "nothing's perfect". I don't have an answer for you but I suppose I would say to give it another year if possible. Another year will let you cement the changes in your husband and put another year on his resume in his current job which looks better than hopping around. The good weather is also coming which will help. I'd put a year timeframe on it so you can feel a bit more settled with a plan and look at the next year as an experiment to enjoy. And see how it goes. Considering the rough start you had, it's logical for you to still feel homesick even with things having gotten so much better. LIfe hopefully is long so you have plenty of time to move back if that's what you ultimately decide. If you live there for the summer and fall and still feel so strongly about going home, next winter your husband can start looking for another job and see how that goes. I may be posting something similar soon as we may have the opportunity to move home too where it's cheaper but as I said, now this is starting to feel like home...

2 moms found this helpful
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L.R.

answers from Des Moines on

I would suggest really taking the time to think this through. That feeling you speak of may diminish with time but it may never go away and life is too short to be away from the ones you love especially when it makes you feel miserable! Why not plan a long vacation back home and see how it goes when you leave. If you feel relieved to get back to where you are living and by yourselves then great but if you feel torn apart to say goodbye then maybe it would be best to move back after all

1 mom found this helpful
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R..

answers from Chattanooga on

I have been away from 'home' for about 18 months now... I moved from Idaho to Texas when I was about 3 months pregnant. I am VERY close to my family, immediate and extended... but we NEEDED to get out of Idaho. (I hated living there... I also have a gypsy soul and needed to find something different. Hubby and I were both in such horrible ruts.) The bad thing is that our move happened at a time when my closest friends (who happen to be my cousins) and I had a major falling out. So I moved across the country immediately after losing my 2 besties... while prego. I was definitely homesick, but my hubby was really good about being there for me. It helped immensely that I moved where my uncle was, so I did still have *some* family around. BUT... while we were in Texas Hubby had a hard time finding a good job, and settled for an OK one. With my job (I was able to keep my job and transfer to the Texas branch...) and his, we were able to scrape by. But then the Texas branch I was working at went out of business, so I was laid off. We couldn't survive on his income only, and job hunting wasn't panning out so well, so we decided to move to Tennessee where his parents lived. Actually, we moved in with his parents. lol. BUT... I still don't have any friends here. I hang out with my SIL and MIL at home... that's it. lol.

I keep my homesickness at bay by keeping in touch as much as possible. I post HUNDREDS of pics of my DD and dozens of videos (She just turned one last month) so that the family can watch her grow up. I talk a lot via facebook, but I also make a point of calling family at least once a week. Skype is really good too, because you can talk face to face. (it's free if you haven't tried it...) I am going to be starting school soon, so I'm excited at the prospect of making new friends. :) Hubby and I try to keep as busy together as possible.

We are at our rock bottom right now. I can't find a job (especially after the tornados) and hubby has been reduced to working at Walmart... We are still living with my in-laws. (Luckily, I really like them and we all get along very well. They are also SUPER good with my DD.) We decided to have me start school, so that hopefully we will be able to make a better life for our family.

I do wish that my family could be around to watch her grow up... but my family has sooo much drama. (seriously, we could have our own TV series. lol.) I have found that I actually appreciate them MORE at a distance! lol.

1 mom found this helpful
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C.T.

answers from Miami on

In the same boat, just didn't expect to be away from home for so long. My children were babies when we moved and now teens, their friends are all here. They are the problem now they don't want to go back home. My advice would be don't buy a property out there, rent and save money that you can get back if necessary. Think about how long you want to be abroad and talk to your husband about that, do you really want your child to feel more of that country than his own.. Because he will so long as he is eduated there and his friends are there. Just like your home is where you grew up...Like me you might find yourself returning home without your kids and that takes some getting used too.

S.D.

answers from Phoenix on

It really sounds like you have come a long way and really enjoying the aspects of how it has made your family closer. Any kind of change, moving, a new child, a separation , or a re-uniting.... makes us stronger and helps our families bond. You two are doing a great job in making those things of family happen. You did not say how long you have been there total....I would think the first year is really hard and the second is much better and then by the 3rd year you know for sure if it is something to stay or go. It may not ever be the way you remembered it if and when you ever return back to your home state..... So I am sure the more you stay where you are at, it will become to mold on you.
I did not have the same experience with a husband to move away from my home town. But I did go from CA to AZ all by myself with a job transfer and just waited to see what came of it. It took a while to adjust...I would have been greatful to have someone to go through it with. I think it will just take time. I wish you the best.

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