Anyone Else Feel Guilty for Not Loving Being a Stay-at-home Mother?

Print Marda's response and put it where you can read it every day. She hit every possibility on the head!!! It will get better...promise.

I feel very guilty too. I have 3 kids ...4, 3 and a 3months old and it is very hard. Just like you, we don't have any family here or "avaiable" friends either. I just wish the sometimes one of my unavaible friends stop by to say hello.

Not wanting to be a stay-at-home Mom is normal. Some want to stay home and love it. Some want to stay at home and hate it. Some want to stay at home and aren't able to do so. Some go to work and hate it. Every mother finds herself in a different place and all of them are normal. So don't sweat not feeling guilty. Ideally, each mother could make the choice that gives her the most satisfaction. In the real world that isn't so. I recently heard a saying that I've taken on as a part of my philosophy. The saying is, "life is what it is." For me that saying allows me to accept whatever is going on for me as it being just what it is. I can let go of the emotional baggage and focus on making a change or accepting it.

For you, you miss the mental stimulation and activity of being a professional person going to work each day. You spent a lot of years and energy earning that PhD. Perhaps that PhD represents who you are. Being a mother is not as satisfactory as being a professional woman. Those are quite normal and expected feelings for someone in your situation.

You don't say why you decided to be a stay-at-home mom. It sounds like the reason may be that you don't have the same sort of professional opportunities that you would've had in Chicago or perhaps you don't have the same sort of trustworthy childcare available since you're away from friends and family.

Since I don';t know the reasons for your decision I can't be as precise as I might be to be more helpful. I do want to say that if you chose to be a stay-at-home Mom because you think that is best for your child, that you rethink that choice. My daughter tried to be a stay-at-home Mom and discovered that she was not happy being at home and I saw that her children suffered because she was frustrated. She was easily irritated and even tho she thought she was not showing her feelings they were affecting the way that she took care of her baby and toddler. She enjoyed them but she didn't enjoy life. That is not healthy. My recommendation is that you either go back to work or find a way to greatly reduce your negative feelings. A working mother can also be a successful mother.

But if going back to work is not an option there are ways to be less bored and lonely. Perhaps that is what you're asking with this post. "How can I be less bored and lonely?"

I think that to be a reasonably well satisfied stay- at -home mother, one has to choose to be a stay at home mother for reasons related to herself as well as to her child. When the choice includes her own needs she will feel successful and find ways to meet her needs unrelated to her baby. In the posts that I've read thus far the mothers have said, that in spite of the frustrations, they know that their children are getting the best care from them. They may be bored and lonely at times but staying home is worth those feelings. They find ways to feel satisfied while staying at home.

When a mom becomes a stay-at-home because they either have no choice or feel that they have no choice they have a much more difficult time. That is why the question of why you're a stay-at-home mom is so important.

If you're not happy as a stay-at-home mom, the first step towards happiness is to accept that it is alright to feel bored and lonely. "It is as it is." Once you've accepted the feelings you will be in a better place to find find ways to deal with them. I've heard and found from personal experience that as long as I fight against feeling a certain way I continue to feel that way. Feeling guilty is one way of fighting. You can pay for your guilt by being bored and lonely. Let yourself feel guilty but don't allow it to stop you from making changes. When I stop fighting against them they become less strong. They are just there, neither good or bad.

You have tried ways to change the way you feel. You get out of the house, go on walks, are a part of a mom's group. Those work for some moms but aren't working for you. And they aren't working for your baby. I suggest that one reason that you're having such a difficult time with your baby is that she senses your feelings. You cannot hide them. Babies are especially sensitive to the tensions around them. That sensitivity is apart of them because it is necessary for their survival. Your frustration does not prevent you from feeding your baby. But I've seen anxious frustrated mothers who were not able to adequately care for their baby. The baby got fed because they got frustrated and screamed and someone else noticed. I suggest that it's possible that your baby screams often at such a high pitch because they are aware of your frustration and don't know what else to do. Maybe not! It's just a suggestion of a possibility.

First, just let yourself feel bored and lonely. Relax into the feelings. I've found that telling a baby or child that I'm bored to death helps both of us relax. Now that my grandchildren are older (6 and 9) they sometimes say or do something that causes me to laugh and feel less bored and definitely less lonely. A smile from your baby as you "silly" talk with her about what you're feeling may help you, also.

The next step is to identify things that you can do that might help you feel intellectually challenged and/or help you feel a part of something else besides being a mom. A few ideas are to take a computer course in an area in which you're interested or read challenging books. Of importance is spending time away from your baby. One and a half hours in 6 months is not a healthy amount of time. It's no surprise that women who spend all of their time with their baby lose who they are. Join a group that meets without babies/children. Make friends at an athletic club. Join a book club. Go to a concert and talk with the people around you at intermission. You and your husband take turns doing things on your own while the other takes care of baby. Or find a babysitter that you can trust. Taking time away from baby is essential for your mental health. Paying a babysitter or class fees is much less expensive than a psychologist for yourself or your child when they are older.

Take time for yourself because it is important for you and your baby. Celebrate yourself. I just finished listening to a book on CD written by a well known author about her mother that reinforced this idea. I'll try to remember the name and the book. Her mother sacrificed herself to the care of her children which taught the author to do the opposite.

An important way to feel less lonely is to have an intimate connection with your partner. It is so ironic that at this time when it's most needed couple seem to have the most difficulty maintaining a close relationship. Perhaps finding a way to improve that relationship would be an important step for you to take. If you can find a more satisfactory way to share your lives together you may feel less lonely.

Perhaps being a stay-at-home mom is not for you. If you could work if you wanted to work perhaps deciding to go back to work would be the right decisions for both you and your baby. If working is not an option, a change of focus will help. Spend more time focusing on finding ways to fill your needs and then doing them. Continue your focus on meeting your baby's needs. Increase your focus on yourself in a positive way.

In order to be less bored and lonely, as another mother has suggested, find a way to teach your 6 month old to sleep thru the night. Do not accept that she dislikes car rides or rides in a stroller. Let her cry during a few trips to let her know that being in a car or a stroller is a part of life. Try out different ways to make it fun for her. Don't try to give her a bottle or a pacifier when she screams. Let her scream once you know she doesn't need a diaper change or a bottle and that she is safe.

A mother's role is not to protect their baby from discomfort. It is to provide for her need for shelter, food, safety and emotional closeness. All too often we believe that emotional needs include physical comfort. That is just not the case. Physical safety, yes. Comfort is good but not always essential and sometimes detrimental. Detrimental when providing comfort causes the mother to not pay attention to her own needs. An example of this is the charge, made by airlines, to put on your own oxygen mask before attending to your child. Seems obvious in the air but not so obvious in day to day life.

You can be a good mother and not stay at home. A good mother provides for the needs of her baby/child. That doesn't mean she has to be the one who provides for those needs 24/7.

I have written this from my heart, based on my experiences, professional and personal. Much of what I've said may not be related at all to what you're feeling. Take what you can use and discard the rest.

YES!

I had many/most of those same feelings when we had our first. We had just moved to a new town and all our family was too far for a single day trip for visits (5 hours minimum one way). I felt like the walls were closing in...

I can't tell you how to feel better about it all... but it does get better. We found a good church home which helped me quite a lot. And might even open up some doors for inexpensive baby sitting. ;)

If you are still extremely sleep deprived, then I would look into some sleep training methods and give one a shot. At six months, your angel is capable of sleeping through the night (at least 7-8 hours straight). Getting a good night's sleep on a regular basis can help you with this adjustment to stay at home life vs. adult mature stimulating life.

Yes, the work seems thankless and tedious. But you will not regret it down the road. Who knows if they will ever appreciate it (this side of having kids of their own).. but even if they don't.. you WILL. Knowing you are doing what is best for your child will help you be content in ways you might not appreciate just now. But as they age, and you recognize that they didn't grow up in daycare... that YOU taught them all they know and how they interact with others (sympathy, empathy, kindness, etc) will make you swell. :)

I felt the same way about dealing with a 2nd child too. But we forged ahead.. and amazingly, the 2nd time around it was all much easier and less boring/lonely.
Hang in there and keep a journal if you haven't begun one.
Don't sweat feeling like you do. It was a HUGE transition from working and adult conversation/stimuli, to talking to someone who hardly seems to notice all day and staring at the same 4 walls, except for the grocery store. I know. Been there. It DOES get better. (This board is one thing that helped me transition even).

Don't feel bad. I gave up a career and everything to raise children and there are days where I'd like to jump out of a window because I feel like no one understands how OVERWHELMED and burnt-out I can get some days. My husband comes home expecting this, that, or the other and I feel like I'm running on fumes. I have a 4 year old boy with moderate autism and an 8 mo old boy who gets into more trouble than I can even document and he is mommy-needy. There are moments where I would like to get away and just breathe for a minute and remove myself from the craziness. Every mom goes through this and don't feel like you're the only one. Taking care of kids takes a lot out of your and sometimes you feel like you're losing yourself. If another SAHM mom tells you that all of her days at home were/are sprinkles and sunshine she's a liar...LOL! Don't feel bad R.. Some days being a mom is a thankless job, but in the end it is worth it.

It's so hard to be needed by someone every minute of every day, especially when that person can't hold a conversation! I will tell you that it gets easier and more fun- for me, after my son's first birthday. He was an early talker, and we can now (at 25 months) have conversations with each other. They say the funniest things! I just had my second, and it's no way as lonely and boring as it was the first time. I don't have to sit around and hope that she does something- I have another guy to entertain, whine, and keep my attention. It's grueling some days, and there are many days I miss my career so much (and other adults!), but my new mom friends help a lot. I've been at home since my son was born, and I feel like I'm still getting used to it. Btw, my son (and new baby too) hated the carseat and stroller, but it got better in the car when I switched to a convertible seat, and there was no problem once he got to turn around. Both refused the bottle, so I feed and run out the door so I can get up to two hours alone. Some days I just run to the store by myself, and I've been known to take a book, park in a lot somewhere, and just read in silence. Ahhhh, time for yourself really is priceless! Remember, as much as it seems like it, you aren't alone!

I know what you mean! Whoever thought that being a SAHM was easy obviously never did it. I had visions of a napping child, getting things done and maintaining meaningful adult interaction. Um, no. My son never has and still doesn't like to nap (he's 2 now), my house and self are always a wreck and I've been to the point where I'd (almost) welcome calls from telemarketers just to talk to someone that could talk back. I felt especially isolated the first 5 months. It didn't help that PPD reared it's ugly head but I didn't even get that dealt with until after his first birthday.

I also had the expectation that my work wouldn't be interrupted. Wrong again. I had a successful freelance business when I got pregnant and thought nothing would change - I already worked at home and my clients didn't care when I worked as long as it was done on time. But having no time wasn't the plan! At first I tried, then couldn't get the time for new business and my income was cut by 2/3 in the first year alone. Not what I needed! I finally have some built back up but work almost every night and weekend now and feel guilty that I'm shortchanging someone (my husband, my son, my clients) at some point every day.

I still worry that I'm doing the wrong thing. Am I providing enough stimulation for him (after all, I'm bored and stir-crazy, isn't he?) or would he be better in day care where they cover it all?

At five months I did one thing that totally changed my mommy life: Gymboree. I know, I know, that sounds moronic, and honestly, my son didn't really give a hoot when we first started. But I met so many other new moms that had the same issues, feelings and frustrations. We couldn't solve too many of each other's problems, but we could end the loneliness. We started hanging out after class, then exchanged contact info and started a play group. This has been going on for at least 18 months now and we see each other multiple times a week, for kid things and just for girl stuff. We are very close. And we've met a bunch of other local moms through each other and expanded our friend network. These are people I can call with kid questions, last minute baby-sitting needs or just to vent about being thrown up on. Then we can go out for drinks (or, um, have wine at an afternoon play group) and be adults again. I truly don't know what I would do without them.

Some of the things we did to get out and about when my son was your child's age:

1. Trips to Costco/Target/Whole Foods. Didn't have to spend anything but I showed him the colors and textures of the produce, gave him a change a scenery and myself a reason to get dressed, explored things in the toy aisle (can't get away with that now without a meltdown when we walk away), touched fabrics, smelled different things, etc.

2. Library story time. No, he didn't really get it but being around other babies and listening to the songs and other voices seemed interesting.

3. Parents Day Out. A lifesaver for us both - gave him new people to see, toys to play with and the ability to be away from me, while I had some freedom to take a long shower, go to a meeting or shamelessly eat cookies. It was only $36/week so we just budgeted for it like a necessity.

4. Gymboree! Ours has unlimited classes so you can go as many times a week that you want.

5. Daily walk with the dog. I've been walking my dog each morning for years and didn't plan to stop. Hot or cold, wet or dry, we set out every day. (he's appropriately covered/bundled/cooled/etc.) We meet all the neighbors, stop in the shops, go past the fire station and schools when the buses are arriving and just get fresh air (yes, even when it's freaky cold!). It gives me a chance to reset and exercise at the same time.

Of course in the summer you have the pool, parks, backyard swing, zoo, etc. So much easier then. Winter sucks!

One last thing, I still sometimes mourn my life before and I think that's normal. I LOVE my son and being a mom, and would never trade to get it back, but it's hard to remember who I am sometimes; that I'm more than his mom. I wrote a blog entry about it that you might like: http://itsnotforthesqueamish.blogspot.com/2009/07/followi...

Good luck and write again about how you are doing.

Wow!!! Sorry ladies but as much as my days were long, difficult, and not always award winning I would not have given up my 15 years of staying home raising my children. They are now 24 and 20 and we have a wonderful, close relationship. It was always my plan to sacrifice a small part of my life so I could be the one to raise my own children. I don't understand how it is unappreciated when your little one comes to you for love, guidance, cuddles, and to wipe their little noses. It was me who taught them morals, values, manners, how to walk, how to feed themselves, how to ride a bike. Raising children is the most important job you will ever do in your life. You are raising children that will someday be your greatest accomplishments, to me there is nothing more rewarding. Just because we do not receive a paycheck does not mean we do not matter or make a difference. If you are not enjoying being home then by all means you should work outside the home, and unhappy mommy can make an unhappy family. To me however being a mommy means sacrifice, just for a few short years and then you can have your time but sometimes you just can't have it all. Sorry if this sounds harsh but it bothers me when being a stay at home mom is described as boring. I didn't have time to be bored. After my children were grown I went back to school finished my education and became a preschool teacher. I now own and operate a childcare center so caring for children is my passion and what I love to do. There are days when I am consoling a crying mom because she has to work and leave her baby, so on the flip side there are some women who would trade places in a minute. Good luck to you I hope you are feeling better soon.

R.,

I know you've gotten some positive responses already, wanted to let you know that I can completely relate to you. I have 3 kids under 5 and we moved to a new community (still in Mlps, but outside of my Mom-friend circle) last fall. This has been the hardest winter for me yet. I think that winter is tough, the days are short and cold it's hard to get out and cabin fever starts to set in.

Some of the things that help me keep my sanity:

Public Radio - I listen to the talk radio regularly. They have good programing that isn't all news.

Memberships - I have a zoo membership, children's museum membership, and regularly visit our free art museum (MIA). Memberships make great gifts (less clutter/toys) and are usually really inexpensive when compared to purchasing a few visits to some of those destinations.

Facebook :) - I stay connected with family and friends regularly on FB. I'd say I spend an hour a day "chatting" online with my friends.

Maybe you could find a way to teach something? With a PhD maybe you have a skill that would be valuable in your community? Volunteer or even get paid to teach some sort of community ed class? This would help keep you interested in what your degree is in, and give you some mental stimulation as well.

There is a yoga studio in our community that caters to Mom's. They have childcare available and you can volunteer to work in the daycare in exchange for yoga classes. Look around, maybe there is something similar near you? That way you meet other Mom's and get a workout.

Make sure your husband knows how you are feeling. It's hard to tell them sometimes, and you feel like you are whining or not being a good Mom. But my husband regularly "complains" about his job, whenever he tells me that I should be happy to be home, I remind him that I need to be able to "complain" about my job sometimes too.

Good luck to you, know you are making a hard and important decision to stay home with your baby. The years go by so fast, in 5 years when she starts kindergarten you will be amazed at how the time sped by (my oldest starts K next fall and I'm already freaking out about it (lol).

Jessica

I definitely understand what you're going through, mind you I only have a 3 month old, but the first 2 months I stayed at home and thought of not going back to work too. Our money situation would've been really tight if I stayed at home so I decided to go back, and I almost feel guilty saying I'm glad I did. It gives me a chance to get away from everything and breathe. I actually work from home one day a week, but there's so much going on when I am at home with him that it hardly feels like I get much work done. don't feel guilty, just because we turn into moms doesn't mean we have to lose our sense of self. or our sanity for that matter. lol.

Okay.... you have a pretty new little baby and we all go through this... I don't have the education you do, but I worked for an atty., right up until a few days before my first (have three) was born nine years ago. It was hard to adjust to being home even though when I worked I always just wanted to be a home and create home for my family... I used to think "when I'm home... everything will be perfect... laundry always done... dishes, etc., not to mention yardwork and deep cleaning on a regular schedule... great times wiht the kids and home cooked meals all the time".... I put too many expectations for a "perfect" home and "perfect" relationship with my kids....I had to constantly remind myself that I was his mother (my first) and I spent hours and I do mean HOURS in the rocking chair, because he never liked the crib and we let him sleep with us. Not to mention around 9 months to 14 months he seemed to have one ear infection after another... even after I removed dairy from my diet (was nursing) and did all the stuff you are "supposed" to... it was sooooooo trying. HOWEVER, I had a friend who used to watch kids.. and even though I thought... work is easier than this a few times her statement always brought me back to reality... she said... "I can take care of little Hailey and make sure she is fed, wipe her nose and feed her lunch, but I cannot give her unconditional love".. no one can love that little baby more than you...

go to the library and get Dr. Laura Schlessinger's book In Praise of Stay at Home Moms.... I just read it and it reaffirmed why I stay home... in the beginnig of the book it seemed like hey I didn't feel that way.. (love being home, etc.) but she points out that our approach.. our outlook really matters... when we don't expect perfection, when we take the time to really realize why we are home, it changes everything.... it is a transition and in today's society seemingly more difficult for a lot of women... I love my traditional role as heart of the home (even though sometimes I feel like nag of the homej!)... they need me... my husband loves that I am home and is proud of our family.. never nit-picks about laundry or dishes.. his only concern is our kids are loved by their parents and that their mom is home wiht them... he doesn't have to worry if they are receiving unconditional love... if they ruin the carpet we will still love them.... if they have an accident in their pants.. we still love them... you can hire someone to dutifully care for your child, but it will never be with the love and warmth (and sometimes frustration) that you can give... no hired hand (unless you don't care about your kids, which clearly you do) can take your place! You are not doing a thankless job... you will sleep eventually.. (my first didn't sleep through the night until about 18 months).. my 2nd about 7 weeks! It all works out... your children will thank you... when your little one is sick you are there... she doesn't have to wait for you to travel from a distance to pick her up... when she is in school and falls in the mud, you can rush her a change of clothes and kiss away some embarresment... only you can do those things... you will not be bored forever and soon the weather will be better and that makes a big difference I hope this isn't tooooooooo long... I just want to give you hope and encouragement... one mother to another... you will never get these days back and with some of them that's good... but look at some new families with one little being and it reminds me of my nine year old as a newborn... the days in the rocker... the sleepless nights.. the little cooing and laughs... the crying and fits... (both of us) and I wouldn't trade being there for anything... I hope this helps you... you are important and to your child you are never underappreciated even if she can't tell you.. she does with her unconditional love for you her beautiful mommy!

D.

Don't compare your experience to other moms. My first child was a difficult baby, and having new baby #2 could not have been more different. I thought I was just high-maintenance or something - couldn't figure out why something I found so difficult and physically grueling seemed so easy for other people. It was a huge relief to have a baby who actually napped! Didn't get that the first time.

I also had no support network. None of our friends at the time had kids, and our family doesn't live nearby.

Anyway. I did not stay at home long-term, but I spent quite a bit of time at home with a toddler when I was laid off (almost a year, on and off.) And I found out that it didn't come naturally to me. I enjoyed the time with my litlte one, a lot, but I found that the days felt unstructured. I think if I had been doing it long-term, I would have enjoyed it more by really taking it on as a project - finding activities, and looking for friends. I really need to have something to keep myself busy, and to force myself to be sociable.

If you decide to continue at home (even if you don't), try to start building a network of moms you can spend time with during the day. It helps so much. And if you decide to go back to work, don't feel guilty about it. One of the best things we did for our kids was allow them to open their world to include other caring adult caretakers and children (licensed day care home). We are still friends with our little group of daycare families, and caregivers, almost 10 years down the road!

Best wishes. I really relate to what you wrote, and I hope you find a path that works well for you and your family.

Hi R.,

I know how you feel. I planned on being a stay at home mom, but not without my family close by. When my son was 3 months old, we found out we were moving nearly 1300 miles away from all our friends and family. My son sounds exactly like your daughter at 6 months. My son always hated the car until the last few months. He also wouldn't take the pacifier until 6 months (oh yeah, I kept trying until he would take it and now he loves it!). And, he has been sleeping better at night. We are currently on our longest stretch of sleeping through the night (6 days in a row!) I definately think things get better as they get older, and we also learn to adapt. Once I changed my son to face the front of the car (I turned his car seat around on his birthday!) he got much better in the car. He even started falling asleep in the car! Which had only happened a few times in his life previously.
I know you mentioned money is tight and it's hard to go out to do things by yourself. Just try and get out to do the grocery shopping on your own sometimes. I know it doesn't sound exciting, but it's a small break away. You could also go to the bookstore and just browse some books for an hour, totally free.
I remember being overwhelmed around your daughter's age, I still feel that way some days but it feels like it's getting better. Keep in mind, you're a first time mom and this is on the job training! It's hard, and I agree it is lonely. It's great that you're apart of the moms club, so am I. They understand what it's like. It feels lonely though since our spouses don't know how it feels to be so isolated sometimes. Especially waking up in the middle of the night to take care of someone.
I can't imagine giving this up though and going back to work and letting someone else take care of my little boy. It will get better. Especially once you're little girl starts getting around and being able to do more things. It will create a little more work and energy, but then they start playing by themselves more and becoming a little more independent.
I hope I helped some. Just know that we all feel that way sometimes and you are not the only one!
Good luck and hang in there!

S.

Yep--that sounds about right. I worked professionally for nearly 20 years and then WHAM-O--motherhood rocked my world.

Clearly the hardest, most unappreciated job IN THE WORLD. The isolation can be debilitating. I used to look forward to seeing the mail truck! How pathetic!
I work PT and, believe me, no matter what I am called upon to do at work, it is "baby food" compared to the days I am at home. It gets easier as they get older.
Try to have a small goal every day and DO get out with other moms and kids (even if you think that's when you feel your brain melting the most) it does help. And these little years DO go by very fast. In the scheme of your life, it's the twinkling of an eye, so enjoy it!

R., I could have written your post! Even down to the living in Chicago part. :) I hadn't planned on staying home with my son, but my MIL backed out of watching him, and we figured out a way to afford it (barely). It was very tough. My son sounds much like your daughter- screamer, horrible sleeper, not a great eater, colicky... When he turned about 6 months old, I heard about a company that sells beautiful children's books, and I started doing that VERY part time (1-2 days/ month), just to get out of the house and have something to keep my mind busy. That has really made a huge difference for me. I also try to get out of the house every day doing something- running to the store, going to story time at the library, etc. My friend who works FT and I were discussing the other day that it really is much easier to be at work than at home. Keeping an infant or toddler occupied all day, fed, clothed, changed, etc. is EXHAUSTING. I'm 6 months pregnant with our 2nd (believe me, it took me 2 years to even consider trying for #2) and most days I nap when my son does too (IF he does!). Every day is a challenge, but despite it all, and feeling broke all the time, I do feel that I am doing the best thing for my son. I would not want him in day care, and I do love that we can do so many things in the week like trips to a museum, etc. If you ever feel the need to get out, feel free to private message me and we can find something fun to do to keep the kids busy. :)

T.
Barefoot Books Ambassador
www.ReadandGrow.com

Yes! Being a stay at home mom is a lot harder and a lot less fun than I thought it would be. There is good news - it does get better as your child gets older and can do more things. But the first year is really hard. Consider joining additional classes so that you have more moms to interact with. Some suggestions: Gymboree, Music Together, My Gym, Little Gym, swimming lessons, or anything through your local community center. It helped a lot once I started getting out more. Local community center classes will be a lot cheaper than the others, so if money is too tight, at least look into those.

I also started working from home recently selling Discovery Toys. It has helped me meet new people and get out more. I really like it and it makes me feel like I have a life outside of my son, but since I set my own hours, I don't need to find babysitting in order to work.

Good luck! I hope it gets better soon.
K.
http://www.discoverytoyslink.com/karenchao - want great toys? I've got 'em! Want free toys? Just ask me how!

Question: Does your DH get to sleep in 2 days a week? I posed this Q to my own dh at around 8 or 9 months when I was officially bonkers. Why does HE get to have 2 days off of work a week and I get 0? We switched things up at that point and one day a week HE started having 100% baby care. Aka he woke up with kiddo, was responsible for him until bedtime that night. I got to make any and all plans I wanted (without asking/arranging or having to even THINK about childcare) including sleeping in until noon if I felt like it. Major, major sanity saver.

A thing to think about... what would you be doing if you (for whatever reason) weren't working? You have 6mo-3 years hiatus... how would you fill it? I filled mine by working on my education. And yes, that means needing to either arrange for childcare 4 hours a week or taking night/online classes ... and you have to study differently than you would if you were 19, but hey, being an adult is all about creative problem solving, no matter the situation. :) I know other moms who started working on that "thing" that they always wanted to do, but never had the time for working 40 hours a week. Becoming a yoga instructor (or just getting really good at it), working on art/music/photography/writing, DIY home repair/remodeling, travelling, learning a new language, etc. (Sometimes I think the victorian version of an "accomplished" woman ... one good at sports, music, academics, throwing mid-day parties... was more to save her own sanity during 20 years of childbearing than any other thing.)

I had never planned on being a stay at home mum... but it turned out that way. The single BIGGEST lesson I learned is to add your baby to your life, not to let your life become your baby. You are not an entertainment machine. Live your life and take your baby with you. The world is new to them, it's all very exciting. Yes, you do have to be creative and responsible (food and naps), but aside from that... fill those hours with things you love.

:)

I can relate. I remember being on maternity leave, and the second my husband walked in the door, I handed our daughter to him. Then I would feel guilty, that I wasn't enjoying EVERY minute of her existence. I think the hardest thing to adjust to is the loss of "self". I try taking the advice to "take time for myself", but I was used to HOURS to myself, and 10 minutes just isn't the same. I feel the same way, that we chose to bring a child into the world, so I want to do the very best for her all the time. But, like you said, its tedious and thankless. I have no solutions for you, but wanted to tell you that you are not alone.

You've gotten a lot of great answers. Before my kids went to school I found that even having two hours of babysitting a week saved my sanity. You said you moved from Chicago...where are you living now? If there is a college nearby you might be able to find a college student who could come for just a few hours a week to help you out for a reasonable price. Otherwise are there any mom's in your Moms Group who might be open to doing a swap? A friend and I did that and it was GREAT! We switched. Every other week she took my son for a few hours and on the alternating weeks I took her daughter while our other sons were at preschool. It's totally ok to feel that ay. Full time motherhood is not easy. I work 12 hours a week and for me it balances me out to do both.

I believe I replied to you when this was just the local board.

I too have a Ph.D. and never thought in a million years I would be a SAHM. The first 10 months just about killed me. The last time I replied to you, I suggested joining a meet up group and doing classes, I believe. When my daughter turned 6 months, we started swim, music and story time. Music saved me, I swear. It helped me to feel alive inside. Gradually, as sleep improved, my funk went away, and we joined a meet up group. Just wait, soon your kid will be running around, and you will be having so much fun that you won't have time to be bored! Trust me, the first year is hard. What you are feeling is the transition. Do get out more, though. We get out every day. Once your daughter is a bit older, she will be more fun to play with, and you will be so amazed by her process of development that the boredom of taking care of the house, her, your hubby, etc. will go away to a large extent. I've never had so much fun in my life, but if you asked me this 1.5 years ago, I would have told you I was ready to slit my wrists out of boredom! Now, if I wasn't so old (38), I'd have a dozen kids!

i relate to everything you wrote. probably shouldn't even try to respond to this post tonight as my day today was just not good. i am so tired. kids are on winter break, my dearest 5 year olds, yet their behavior is similar to a 2 year old with the vocabulary and attitude.
i quit my job, a year and a half ago. before then i had been working full-time from home in my field for last 6 years, but it became impossible to juggle it all. i was frustrated with everything.
now, i don't know who i am. june clever most of the day, and me when i go to sleep and allow myself to be whoever i had wanted to be, only in dreams.
i debate and go back and fourth on what i should do. i don't want PT work. i want something that will be important to me and a PT work won't do it but if i go back full-time then my kids won't have me or my attention. what when they get sick? who will take off work? me, at a new job? not likely? hubby? not likely as he is the main provider.
so i don't know what future holds. i just hope it's not only this for years to come. i need to find me.

people think i'm crazy when i say i don't mind working. i don't think i could stand being "on" 24/7. i don't think we love our kids less, i just think our healthy balance may be less "together" time than other people need. now don't get me wrong, when i am off work i am totally "on", better than if i'd been home all day. but especially that first year, even weekends gave me headaches many times. it is a HUGE adjustment. do NOT feel bad! no one can ever prepare you for motherhood. we all have to have some growing pains.

I have two kids almost 7 and 3 I lost my job over two years ago and have been running an in home daycare ever since. I do miss that adult time and I do get lonely but you have to keep pushing through it. Maybe your dear husband could watch the baby for a while so you could go have a little you time get a mani/pedi or just to go on a walk by yourself. That is one of my resolutions this year to have a little more me time alone to get refreshed and be the best person/mom I can be!! You will make it through this but please do give yourself a little more time cause it can turn into depression very easily so take care of yourself! God Bless.

Well, I don't have a Phd, but I did go to college and i say ditto to everything you said, except I have 2 children so there is even less time for myself, and I don't even have a car so I can't go anywhere. I try to remind myself of the little things and get as much joy as I can out of that. I play an online game which helps me be able to socialize with adults and I also belong to a Mom's board where I get support. My husband works long and odd hours, he helps when he's here, but honestly it's not much. I get no breaks either....I've been doing this for two years now and honestly I think I have been away from the two year old MAYBE twice and usually only for a day at most. We have our family watch the kids for us when they come to visit (since they are really coming to see the kids more than us anyway) or they occasionally will stay with family at their homes when we come to visit while we go get a hotel room or something just to get some time to ourselves. I can't really tell you that it gets better. I worked when my 5 year old was young, but when my second was born, I couldn't justify putting him in daycare when my pay pretty much would have been 95% going to daycare. Stay strong. Someday they will be all grown up and we will be wondering where our babies went.