Any Thoughts - Rock City Falls,NY

It is possible that she has these issues because of high metal toxicity. You can get her tested if you want or just try her on a new diet which will help cleanse her system over time. Jenny McCarthy wrote a book about this because her son was diagnosed with autism which has siimilar symptoms and behaviors that you mentioned. Whether she has been diagnosed with autism does not matter. Metal toxicity affects a person's abilities to think and act differently. Her son is now recovered due to diet changes. It is not an easy solution to change eating habits but one well worth trying.

This sounds a lot like my story. I too suffered from PPD after my son was born. I really believe that experience is still tainting my experiences with my son at times, to where I am not enjoying parenting the way I feel I should. My son also turned 2 recently. They are different people at two. They are smarter, and learn to behave differently around different people. That is normal and common. I also get really overwhelmed when I am raising my son, even though (thank GOD!) he is healthy in every way. As a "survivor" of PPD, the way I see it is that I need to develop within me a new set of coping skills. I get triggered by stress. It overwhelms me and often I start to feel like walking away from it all, I even wonder in silence whether I should have even made the decision to be a mom. It's a horrible thought. However, I try to put in perspective why I a feeling this way, and then I take deep breaths, sometimes I walk away if I can, sometimes I cry it out for a little bit when my son cannot see me, and I tell myself I need to move on. I know it is hard, and things like counseling have not been working out for me because I am a FT working mom and I have no time to see a counselor at this time. I try to use outlets like this one, and another mom on this site gave me a wonderful website that I use called enjoyparenting.com, and that's helped too. That site has helped me to realize that parenting is a learning process, and that many times I will not get it right, and that is OK as long as I can truthfully tell myself I am doing the best I can.

And by the way, you can tell your MIL to shut up (out loud, if you dare!) - she very likely went through a similar process, as many moms do, and the fact (yes, FACT) that she is choosing not to reveal this to you and feigning that raising a 2 year old is easy-peasy is nothing but a bunch of poop!

I can so relate to what you are saying, oh my did my husband and I have a hard time when our son was that age. But you did the most important thing already: you catched her special needs and got her help immediately! That is the single most important thing you could have done - Congratulations! That was so brave not to ignore it!
For the behavioral issues, I would set up a rule that says "no whining", my belief is if you let kids whine all the time you teach them that there is something to whine about. So I like the idea of another poster with the crying corner, this way she can show her emotions but gets positive reinforcement when she stops. Also, reflect her emotions to her verbally "I know you are sad because your toy broke, mummy will try to fix it for you, ok?" That way she knows you understand her and over time she will learn to use the words for herself.
I also like the idea to talk to her therapists and ask for help, ask them for suggestions, ideas, recommendations for things you could do and so on. Also, find as many other moms of special needs kids around you as possible and hook up with them, they are my support system and invaluable.
Another ides is to buy "Baby Bumblebee" DVDs on the internet. They are great for kids to help with learning to talk and also appropriate for speech delayed kids. That way, when you need a break you can put her in front of the DVD and don't have to feel bad about it.
About nutrition, why don't you get her multivitamin, omegas and probiotics? They all come in chewable gummibear form and special needs kids definetly need a lot of nutrition. Another idea could be to buy a juicer and make her a daily juice of fruits and veggies that she most likely will love to drink and which gets so much healthy stuff in her.
Last but not least, things will get better, I promise! You need to be strict and set up rules and stick to them and then you will see that things get better for sure.

Yes - one thought especially; It WILL get easier. The fact that your daughter does not exhibit these difficult behaviors around others means that she has learned proper behaviors and can carry them out outside the home. At home, just like you and I do sometimes, she feels she can "let it all out." Home is where she feels safest and has the most understanding. Her little girl brain is probably saying "I know I have to spell everything out for Nana and Papa, but Mom and Dad know what I am trying to say all the time, I don't have to try as hard with them." It is probably very difficult for her, her inability to communicate clearly, and she just wants to "relax" and not try as much in the comfort of her own home.

Even though she is two years old, she is still just a tiny little baby, a little girl who has not developed all the skills that some or most children have at her age. And, just like all children grow at different rates physically, emotional (emotional=behavioral) skills develop differently and at different rates with each child.

Trust me; I understand your frustration! Your experiences sound VERY much like my own! I stayed at home with my two children, (one typical daughter, and a son with special needs) until they started K and it is VERY tough! At the end of the day your emotions are totaly drained. There was one time I went down into the basement (where our garage enters our home) and waited there with a note for my husband that said "Don't look at me, talk to me, or ask me to do anything for you or the kids tonight. Just leave me alone" I was just so done with being "needed!"

One of the hardest things that stay at home parents encounter is that we often have higher expectations for our children; especially when they are younger. We think "I'm home with him/her all day - I teach them right from wrong and manners etc, they should be "at this level" all the time. We expect them to be more advanced emotionally and academically than a child who is in daycare or who does not have a parent as their primary caregiver. As a result we are often "disappointed" when our children act just like little Johnny down the street and make us feel like all of our hard work is for nothing! But, they do learn, and they do get easier. Just not at our pace.

If you have stopped your Baby Blues meds you might consider going back on them. For me; it wasn't saddness that was the biggest symptom of my blues; it was this anger that was always boiling just below the surface. Keep up your great work with your daughter! It is obviously working, and will soon be demonstrated at home also.

A.,

I think you got alot of positive feedback and only one insensitive person responded. Try to take that one with a grain of salt. I can't pretend to know what you are going through, but just want to share my experience. My now almost 5 year old at 18 months had three words. He started speech therapy and progressed nicely-try to stick with it, especially the sign language, it can save you and her from so much frustration. I can absolutely relate though to the "different" child around other people. Until quite recently noone believed how different my son was around me compared to with his teacher, my mother and sister. If he spent the day at my mothers while I worked, I would pick him up and the rest of the night would be HORRIBLE! Now he is generally a very well behaved kid, but a complete angel around other people and not so much with me or me and by husband. FINALLY, my mother started to see the way his behavior would change the second I went there to pick him up. Recently he has started getting fresh with her now too. You are not crazy. I think that she is most comfortable with you guys and that is where she can meltdown. The whining thing is also and issue with us. It seems though it just keeps getting worse the older he gets. I have declared "no whining zones". Also when he starts crying over "nothing" or seems like he is getting ready to cry over nothing we make a huge deal of it, then he laughs and gets over it quicker. We go "OH, OH, here come the tears, wait, stick that lip out farther". As for the having to repeat things.....I can say something 5 times and it's like he never heard me.

Anyway, I know you are going through some deeper issues with her development and allergies. I think that someone had a good suggestion about certain foods relating to her behavior. I have seen a naturopath before and went on an allergy elimination diet. It needs to be strictly monitored to ensure proper nutrition, but the results have been directly linked with health issues (including asthma) and behavior problems in children with ADHD and on the autistic spectrum. It is worth a shot if you can find someone near you to help you through it. I found that food colorings make me temporarily depressed and I have a pretty bad hormonal reaction to EGGS, which I have eaten and loved forever. You never know what you might find with this.

I think that part of what your are going through is normal 2 year old and older child behavior and there are certainly other issues that need to be addressed more closely. Good luck to you and your family!

EDIT: O yeah, and the picky eater thing....My son eats NOTHING. He doesn't like any kind of meat, no mac and cheese, no "kid" friendly food. This is an every meal struggle with him. He would live on cheese and crackers if I let him. In a huge contrast, my one year old eats EVERYTHING under the sun. Some kids really are just this way. My brother is in his 40's and lives mostly on hot dogs, steak and plain burgers.

A.,
I am so sorry you recieved some negative comments. We, as mothers (as well as humans!) Should try to support each other and build each other up. Instead there is so much criticisim!
Anyway, I just wanted to suggest a mothers group. There is one called MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) You bring you child w/you and they provide babysitting while the mothers have time to chat and usually they have a short program. It made all the difference in the world for me! I'm not in the same situation, but I was lonely, and really wanted/needed some friends w/kids...esp. the same age range. I met four of my very closest friends there. You can try searching the web for a group near you. Try any others too! Being a mom is a tough job. We do the best we can, and that's all we can do. Good luck, hope this might be helpful!

I would suggest requesting a team meeting with her speech therapist and special ed provider. They may have some suggestions for you or some insight. You may also want to request a program review through your district's eligibility team (CPSE in NY State). Perhaps you can request parent counseling and training? I know that we do this in my district for parents who are struggling to work with their children at home.

I am sorry that your family is being so difficult. I do not have a child with needs, but am a school psychologist and work with many families in your situation. The best thing that you can do is talk with her current providers and explain what is going on. They will have a different perspective and will likely be able to give you some concrete strategies to try.

Good luck.

Hi A.,
My 19 month old son is like a different kid for his 2 day/wk sitter. He eats what she offers, sleeps the whole 2 hour nap period and stays in time out! At home he eats just a little bit, sleeps for barely and hour, and I have to place him in time out 4 or 5 times in one session. The sitter has told me this is normal- they always know how to push their parents' buttons and test the limits.

This is what I do for whining and grabbing my knees, etc...we use the "crying corner" (same area as time out) and when he is crying/whining, I tell to go to the crying corner until he is done crying. It is ok to cry, but we do it in the crying corner. I take him there (he goes on his own at the sitters!) and place him on the mat. I tell him when he is done crying he can come out. When he is done (usually less than a minute) I hug him. If he starts whining again, we start over. It has really cut down on the whining.

Perhaps something else is going on with her. You said she receives speech and special ed. I'd talk to your pediatrician and tell him all of this. Also, talk to her therapist/teachers. If she has speech delays she is probably very frustrated. Are her speech delays receptive (understanding/hearing) or just expressive (speech)?? I assume you had her hearing checked? If not do that to make sure she hears everything. Also, have her checked out by a good "developmental" pediatrician. Behavioral problems can be aggravated by food allergies/sensitivities. Maybe journal what she eats for a week or so...jot down what her moods are like. Then experiment with removing different foods from her diet. My friends son had a terrible sensitivity to gluten. Once she removed all the wheat etc from his diet his behavior improved dramatically.
You know my kids are always angels around the relatives, so I know what you mean. Family/in-laws can be so tough. I've learned the hard way just to handle my kid's issues and not discuss them with extended family.
Babysitting costs a fortune! Maybe find another mom you could trade babysitting services with??
Good luck..I wish I could help you!

Hi A.,

As you said no one knows what it is like to walk in someone's shoes. I think you probably wrote your request while you were at the end of your rope so my first suggestion is to take a deep breath. I read this forum and
I see women criticize another mom's parenting skills and it makes me crazy. There are some women who can go without sleep and function, I was not one of them. I did CIO with great difficulty but I would never criticize a mom for needing her sleep and doing what she needed to do for herself and her family. Everyone has a different degree of patience, and a different breaking point. It does not make you a bad mother it just means you are stressed out. Who are we to judge anyone's strengths or weaknesses!!! When you say you have had your depression handled do you mean you are were treated with medication and are you still taking it? I was a stay at home mom with a very SPIRITED young man and I can tell you there were days when he brought me to tears. I did not have to deal with any speech or learning disabilities just a very active, intense, and demanding child. He actually was very gifted and that also can be a challenge. I can tell you that he was an angel for everyone else but me. So I knew the only changes that had to be made were with how I dealt with him. My son knew how to manipulate me and wear me down so he could have his way (he still does and he is going to be 25 lol!) I know you say ignoring makes it worse but if she knows how to sign and is refusing to do so then I would suggest you ignore her behavior and tell her she needs to sign what she wants or you will not listen. If you have to take her to a time out and put some ear plugs in then do it. Remember if this behavior is working for her then she will continue to use it. If it is something she cannot control that is a whole other issue. If you say she behaves fine for others and not you and hubby then I would say it is fixable and it has to be fixed with you and hubby. Make a plan with your husband on how you will handle situations and follow through. Consistency and consequences are key to breaking the bad habits. Is there anyway you can get a part-time job to defray the cost of preschool to help her interact with others? In my town the recreation runs a very reasonable program maybe your local recreation department has something similar. I think I would rather see you spend your money on a structured preschool program then a babysitter. This way she will learn structure, and socialize as well with her peers. I think at 3 it is crucial to develop social skills and the break will help you tremendously. I can tell you although I have no regrets about being a stay at home mom it is the most difficult job in the world. There were days my husband would come home and find me in tears so I completely understand where you are coming from. Also, see if there is a playgroup in your area so you can socialize and possibly form a support group for yourself. Check the local library most of them fun free story hour programs which will also benefit her. I have a few children at my preschool who are receiving early intervention for speech and they do really well in preschool. Even though they do not have their words they play and have fun. Good luck and hang in there it will get better. And most of all ignore your mother in law!!!

may have expressive lang. issues as well.
also, remember that she holds it together around others and can fall apart around you and your husband.
lastly, you may need behavior modification for the family. there are therapists that specialize in this.

Hi A.,
Have you had her speech evaluated yet? I would do that just to make sure there isn't anything going on in that department that she would need help with. I would also talk to your pediatrician and see if they have any ideas,

I do understand where you are coming from as our youngest daughter whines a lot with me and is such a picky eater around me, but will eat anything you set in front of her at our neighbors house. It is so frustrating!

Hang in there!

Hi A.,

I'm sorry you didn't get the support you were looking for when you reached out for help. Staying home full-time is very tough, especially with a child who can't always communicate as well as either of you would like. It sounds like you could really benefit from a mom's support group -- either just with other moms or a playgroup/support group where the kids are there too. Have you looked into anything like that in your area? Try your local library, your ob/midwife's office, or your pediatrician's office for suggestions or leads.

I also understand the guilt you are feeling after trying for so long to have a baby and then feeling like it is such a struggle to parent her. But you are entitled to your feelings. Parenting is not easy, even with a child who does not have any special needs. The whiny behavior that you describe is not uncommon -- my daughter is 4 and still loses it sometimes, and her teachers at school are flabbergasted when they hear that. Like another person said, kids "let it all out" where they feel safest and most secure. That doesn't make dealing with such behavior any easier, but at least it is an explanation. Do you have a typical routine or any structure during the day? I know that having structure and focused activities can help when my kids are getting wild. It's very hard to provide as much structure at home as they do in a center, but it might help with your sanity too.

Speaking of a center, I know you said you don't want to pay for day care, but it might be a good idea for you to start looking at programs now for next fall. By then she will be at least 2 yrs 9 months, when most kids start preschool (and many of them you have to sign up for now). Is there a part of you that wants to go back to work? If there is, don't feel guilty about that either. I am going back to work soon (my youngest is 18 months), and I can't wait. I think that being at home full-time just fits better with some people's personalities more than with other's. If you miss whatever work you did before your daughter was born and think you might be happier doing that (even part-time), it might make the time you spend with your daughter more focused and more enjoyable. I know plenty of people who went through infertility treatments and/or adoption to make their family and then went back to work when their kids were babies. It doesn't mean you love or want your child any less -- just what is best for your family.

And, finally, you might want to consider resuming therapy and/or meds for your depression (if they have both ended), because it sounds like you might still be suffering from it to some extent. The fact that you are having thoughts of wanting to leave everything behind is a sign that you really need some help and support, and I hope you can find it. Winter is almost here, which can be an even more difficult time to be home with a young child, so seek out all the resources you can - the sooner the better. Best of luck.

A.

I'm a little confused about what you're asking. Do you mean your daughter regresses around you and your husband but eats and acts differently with others? If so, she's perfectly normal! Children always behave worse for their parents than for anyone else in the world. However, you do not have to allow her to whine or not use her words. If she can speak to others, she can speak to you. Walk away from her when she whines and tell her she can come to you when she is ready to use nice words. She'll get the hint.

If she is receiving speech special Ed...talk to the therapist about what more you can do at home to help this along. When you work with the child, try to make it fun for her to learn. When your beginning to become frustrated...take her in your arms and give her a happy hug...let her know she did good. Let her know she's loved.
Do know that children pick up on their parents frustrations, they know when their parents aren't happy. You have to be careful with this. If they aren't getting positive attention...they'll work on getting your attention doing negative behaviors. Either way it gives them the attention they are hungry for. Be careful of not getting into power struggles with her.
I'm more concerned about you then I am for her, I tend to think you need to get yourself into a good place in your head so that you can have more patience with her. I tend to think you need to get out a few hours a week to do anything that you might enjoy. Low on funds, exercise....go for long walks, go to the library, join a reading group, window shop, go visit with friends...have a heart to heart talk with one can't hurt, sit by a lake, volunteer your time somewhere. I'm sure if you think about it, you'll come up with something that will take you away from the house for a bit.