Any Suggestions - Lakewood,WA

I have a 5 year old, who started kindergarden this year. She is very social, loves other kids. She was only going 3 mornings a week. Her teacher told me in a conference, that she was haveing some breakdowns quite a bit. She said that my daughter would come to her a few times throughout the day, and sit next to her.The teacher feels that my daughter is overwhelmed with all the energy and children in the room. One thing she said that she has noticed of children now a days,is they are a lot more sensitive beings, then say what we as parents went through at their age. she feels that they have learned at such an early age, to process a lot of emotion that might be better done at a later age. Example would be that when something happens to the child, like a toy being taken away, that the child would just move on to something else without too much thought about it. They have learned to express their feelings in such a deep way, by telling us when someone has hurt their feelings, or crying about"everything" that they have a much harder time just playing and keeping the energy lite. This is neither good nor bad, it just makes it a more sensitive situation for the child. I decided to homeschool my daughter, in order for her to be in a more calm environment. She is doing great. Good luck

I'm a Kindergarten teacher and have dealt with students who have similar issues. My advice would be to have the counselor take a look at Ethan. I say this for many reasons. The first being that if there is a problem the counselor can help him. It's much better to have the counselor work with him now before the behavior has been reinforced for too long. The counselor would probably work on ways for Ethan to deal with sharing his toys while at school. Ethan's relationship with his sister is different than his relationship with his peers. So, just because he shares well at home-doesn't mean he'll be able to do that with friends. I would fear that if he continues to act in this way that other students aren't going to want to be his friend and that would exacerbate the problem of him feeling like others don't like him. Also, in having the counselor evaluate him, it would give you the needed closure on this situation. Either he needs help with this or he doesn't. But, you won't have to second guess yourself and feel like you have to watch his behavior. Also, if the behavior isn't dealt with his preschool teacher may recommend he stay in preschool and extra year rather than going on to Kindergarten.

When young children act up like this, there is usually a reason behind it. Sometimes it's as easy as giving the child the needed tools to deal with their frustration or feelings of uneasiness in school. Sometimes it's more intensive. But either way it's important you get your son the extra help he needs now before it becomes a bigger problem.

If you truly feel that the teachers are lazy then I would recommend you spend time in the class and observing your son. If you really feel it's not a good fit for your son-find a new preschool. However, I caution against this. Often times it's very easy to blame the school, teacher, other kids and this can start a cycle. I have seen many well meaning parents take their kids out of classes then out of schools because nobody could teach their child how to do...The problem is the parents never held their child accountable and this teaches children that we don't have high expectations of them. Children learn to blame others rather than look at themselves and their own behavior. Of course this is further down the line but something to consider.

I hope this advice is helpful.

Hi J.,

I have a 3 ½ year old who has been in preschool for almost 1 year. When he first started to go to school he developed a rather close attachment to Gordon (a train). Every day when he arrived at school he would find Gordon and play with him. It was his ‘security’ item, an item that was consistent and comforting to him in the face of a situation (preschool) that was so foreign and new to him. My belief is that developing such attachments is normal. As time went on and he became more comfortable with his environment he began to develop close attachments with his teachers and peers and became more engaged in the various activities presented at school.

In terms of your son’s reaction to a toy being taken away, try to reframe the issue in a broader context. Your son is in a new environment, adjusting to being away from the person/people who care for him, and the one thing that makes him feel comfortable is suddenly taken away from him by another child. He might feel lost, without words to get the toy back, frustrated, mad and not able to turn to a teacher for help….and so he cries, and screams.

Your son’s questions about friends also seem quite appropriate as he has entered a stage where children are figuring out what it means to have a friend and how to be a friend. They wrangle with such questions as; can I have more than one close friend? What does it mean if my friend and I have a disagreement, will we still be friends?, etc.

Everything you have said points to the fact that your son is not ‘overly emotional’ but rather is having a difficult time adjusting to preschool; which in my opinion is not that out of the ordinary. Have you thought about going to school to observe your son? How do the teachers react to a toy being taken from your son? Do they simply take it back and give it to your son? How do they cope with his emotional reaction? Do they say something like; you don’t have to cry I will get the toy back for you? Or do they say, “that must have mad you really mad when X took the toy away from you”. When your son does not want to engage in a classroom activity for fear that his coveted toy will be taken by a peer, do the teachers help him by saying something like, “it looks like you want to paint but are really wanting to make sure no one else plays with toy X while you are painting. I want you to know that if you want to paint and someone else picks up toy x to play with I can help you make a plan with that child so that you can have another turn with the toy.” I also wondered if you had been made aware of the issues that your son is facing before your recent parent-teacher conference. I have found that the hallmark of a good preschool is the constant communication between teachers and parents. You might want to have a weekly chat with the teachers to check up with them to see how your son is progressing. You might also find that the preschool he is currently attending is not a good fit for your son. There are many differently types of preschools and not all are created equally.

The last thing I would say is to talk with your son about some of the things that might be causing this turmoil. Have an ongoing conversation about the challenges he might be facing at school.

I work at an excellent preschool and have some questions.
At our school, when a child takes a toy from another child, which is not uncommon when they first come, we sit with both of the students. We explain that at preschool, we use our words. Then we go on to teach and model how to ask for a toy that we want, "can I play with that car?" Listen for the answer, "no, I am not done?" then respond,"how many minutes (until you will be finished?" (the time can be 1-5 minutes.) In other words, children in preschool ought to be learning basic relationship skills. Soon, children are no longer taking toys from others.

We find that there are more and more children who find change, larger groups, relating to be difficult. We suggest that the family have them tested for learning/cognitive challenges. Often, these children are very bright academically. Those who have had these testings done by our school district, come away with a plan that makes a world of difference. Different approaches are needed and the test gives all parties the information needed to best help the child.

It is not about counseling. It is understanding how your child puts things together cognitively.

S-

I read a book called Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, by Daniel Goleman for a college class a while back. I think every parent should read it because it really shows us how to guide our children into developing socially. With you planning to become a teacher I think it would be ESPECIALLY valuable to you and your future students.

This book is available on Amazon.com for less than $3. It's well worth it.

Hi J.,
I have been a school secretary for over 10 years. I work in an elementary setting so we get our 5 year old children in September. For the most part these children are ready to take the plunge, but there are times that this is not the case. In the years I have been around these wonderful little humans there have been some who simply do not go willingly into the classroom setting. I have had children on my lap for up to an hour before convincing them to go to class. I have had frequent visits from some who aren't ready for prime time. All of these children have adjusted brilliantly with patience. Some, young adults now, come back to have a laugh with me about their past reluctance. Your little guy just needs some time to get the rhythm of the world. Please don't stress too much. If you want to get an evaluation, go ahead. It will not hurt a thing, but do not allow this to be something that makes you crazy. You know your little buddy's behavior at home and other places. If you feel he is doing well in most settings, he's doing well.
Best to you,
J. S

Contact your school district for an Early Intervention Evaluation. Or even ask his preschool if they know of someone that can evaluate him - it is possible he has a sensory processing dysfunction, many kids like this have meltdowns and something as simple as a light touch or a smell could trigger it.. but these little guys can't tell you that... they don't have the language to be able to verbalize what is really bothering them. The school district can help point you in the right direction if he needs to see an occupational therapist for an evaluation. He is obviously bright and learning, but seems to be having trouble coping with certain situations and an early intervention evaluation will help identify what areas he may need help in.. it is not always academic issues that kids need assistance.. and the earlier you can find things out and address them, the better.

Have you read Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka? I think this book might benefit both you and your child tremendously.

Here is a link to the author's website:
http://www.parentchildhelp.com/SpiritedChild/tabid/59/Def...

I have more than one gifted child and they often also experience sensory concerns that show up in behavioral manners much like you describe.

I also have a four year old daughter who is quite attached to me (always has been). In August we moved her from an in-home daycare (with only a few kids) to a large pre-kindergarten class. It took probably the first month or so for her to adjust. She still likes to play just by herself but is starting to like some of the other kids and interact with them. I'm not sure how long your son has been in this new preschool but I would think that with time his 'melt downs' will stop and he will get into the flow of things. We talk with our daughter every day at home about her school and the other kids - constantly giving her praise and reassurance.

It sounds like you have a very smart 4 year old that is going through the usual stuff a kid his age does. I don't understand why the Preshool is so alarmed by the fact that although your son is academically ahead of his time, his emotional development is still in the normal range. If he shares well outside school, then it sounds like he is just adjusting to the new environment.

Here is the important thing: YOU know your child best. Don't let overanxious educators tell you what your child is thinking and feeling or where he is supposed to be and when. Kids develop at their own speed. If you are still concerned, start reading about it.

I know that when I was a child, I was very talented at academics but had a difficult time socializing due to shyness, self-esteem issues, oversensitivity. It just goes to show you that we can't expect children to master EVERYTHING.