Anxious to Expand Our Family

My fiancee and his ex tried to have kids but couldn't. He said when he hit 40 he pretty much accepted that he would never have kids of his own. He is now 44 and although I haven't brought up the subject in a while I think he is pretty happy raising my kids with me. I think that is how guys are wired or something.

When we first met we had considered having another child. Thing is it wasn't so much him growing indifferent towards a child of his own but growing comfortable with how much my kids love him. He just doesn't need it now, ya know?

He's not "too old" unless he wants to be too old. My husband was 48 when our daughter was born (my only) and I was 41. I let him put off having a baby for every reason under the sun (but mostly the stress of dealing with his ex and his two kids and three lawyers, two mediators, several custody evaluations, and then raising his kids) for 13 years of marriage and then he said he was "too old" and I put my foot down.

We did go to our counselor to discuss this and she totally took my side. She looked him in the eye and said "you WILL do this for her after all she's done for you and your kids. Think of this as a gift to the two of you."

Luckily, we were able to do it the natural way. Our daughter is the brightest part of both of our lives. Neither of us want to think about what life would be like without her. She's 9 now.

I suggest going to a counselor to get these feelings out. Men have emotion about babies, too. Your husband's reasons aren't "silly" but he may have difficulty explaining them to you. Men tend to be scared that they won't be able to "provide" for them like a man is supposed to. Age is a factor in these feelings.

C.,

Have you and your husband talked about your retirement yet? A new baby will change your retirement plans. Could your dream of having a third baby be conflicting with his retirement dream? I would suggest you sit down with a couple counselor and talk out your concerns, your feelings, your dreams, everything.

My parents were both 48 when I was born and 49 when my sister was born. I am now 34 and my parents are both 72. They are not able to travel around the world like my in-laws do because their bodies have aged so much it makes travel difficult. I know my parents would have had my sister and I if they had the chance to do it over again, but they both wanted children very badly and worked with the doctors to make their dream possible.

My best advice to you, be respectful of his feelings, concerns, and dreams for your future together.

IVF is a horrible experience for anyone (esp if it is the mans "fault"). I would not get IVF done unless you are really sure - 10000% , that you both want a kid. It is one of the most stressful things to go through and if your relationship is not strong and both of you are not 100% behind it, it will lead to a break-up, resentment and other issues. I agree that counselling may be a good option for you both to explore what you both really want and to get your emotions and feelings over without blame and hurt. Having gone through 3 rounds of IVF, I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Luckily, my relationship with my husband was strong enough to weather it, but I have heard of many situations where it broke couples up, not to mention the money issues that arise from it. If you do do IVF set a limit before you start - i.e we will have 1 round at X cost, then try again in 18 months at X cost if the first round is unsuccessful. If that does not work we will be all done and we will live with the outcome without resentment or blame. That contract idea really helped us....
Good luck in your decision....

I would strongly encourage you to really have some good heart to heart conversations with your husband about your fears (possibly unrealistic) from your last marriage. And be sure that he's ok with having another child. Is he fearful of having another, or not wanting the extra cost of IV (maybe finances are stressing him right now), or he's dealing with an unrealistic fear that he's too old... Is it too old to physically create one, or too old to be a good nurturing parent. Find out the heart issue before moving forward with getting pregnant. Men and women don't like being pressured or even tricked into having a child. If he's really fearful it would be great for you both to talk with a counselor so he can hash through his fears and be able to move forward. Don't go forward with the IV pregnancy until he's 100% on board! And don't pressure him with the "I'm not getting any younger" bit. It would be better to have a happy marriage and 2 kids then to add stress and have 3. It could take a while for him to deal with issues, being patient and encouraging is the best role for you, no matter how long it takes.

Best wishes!

I doubt he is using it as a silly excuse. I am guessing he truly feels that at this point in his life he does not want to go through IVF and have a child (ask him point blank how he feels about things...have an open, honest discussion). We decided to have our children in our 20s because we knew we didn't want infants when we are in our 40s. That is great for some people and others don't like the idea of it. Neither feeling is right or wrong; it just is what it is.

I understand your desire to have another child but if it has been 7 years and there have been no steps taken towards having a baby AND your husband has said that he feels he is too old to have a baby then I think it is pretty clear where he stands on the issue. You can't and shouldn't force him into something he doesn't want. Harsh as it sounds, if you must have a third child and he doesn't want one then you will have to consider starting a new relationship with someone who does want to have a child with you.

Good luck.

Sounds like he's got some deep fears about his manhood. Combined with your past issues, sounds like a counselor is in order. These have to be worked through.
Age is not the biggest concern. Tony Randall had a first born, I believe, when he was in his 70's. If you're healthy age shouldn't be a major factor. It's the fears that are weighing you two down. And an impartial listener.

As sad as it may be for you, I would not pressure him into having a baby. You shouldn't fee; empty if you do not have another one. You have two children already! I know couples that cannot have any children, even with IVF, so you should consider yourself lucky to have two. Maybe he likes the four of you as a family and does not feel the need to have another. I wouldn't push it because that is not the way to have a baby you know? Respect his decision because you do not want him to feel forced into having a child with you.

my husband is 46 too- he has been on the fence about it. im almost 40 so as Tina Fey says "the store is closing" soon :) its hard to change your vision for your family, but you need to be in agreement- its a lot of work and should be a mututal decision.

when our son was a baby we were at the mall and the guy behind us (probaby early 20's?) asked my husband if that was his grandkid. it really shook him up. in our neighborhood older parents are very common so 46 is older but certainly not the oldest. its a personal decision.
good luck!