Hi H.,
Man, did your post ring true for me. I had a terrible time with this for a period after my son turned one. I would have little visions during the day of bad things happening and how awful it would be for my son, but night time was the worst. I would lie in bed, concocting these horrible ideas and images. It was really sad and exhausting. So, first off, I want you to know you are not alone. I absolutely went through this too. I think a lot of it is just the realization that you are ultimately responsible for this little person, and you love them so desperately that the thought of anything happening to them is just devastating. Your brain is just trying to work through your fears, but it is wearing you down in the meantime.
For myself, I had to really focus hard on controlling my mind at night. That was the first step. When those images came into my mind, I did not indulge them – but shoved them out with thoughts of other things like grocery lists or picturing my son laughing. Anything to move the scary stuff aside. I always visualized it like that too. Shoving the scary stuff over and pulling a different image in. If that didn’t work, then I issued a little request to the universe to watch over my family as we slept to keep us safe (I am not religious, but do believe in a flow to the universe…I guess this is as close as I get to praying). I just asked that if anyone was listening, to please watch out for us. And I would repeat this over and over in my mind until I fell asleep.
Then, during the day, it is the same process just less intense. When the bad stuff comes in, I make a very deliberate decision not to allow it and find a way to distract myself.
I think what you are going through happens to a lot of us. But if you can work toward controlling your mind, and making sure that toxic stuff doesn’t get a chance to pull you in, you will have a good chance of getting past it. My son will be two in January, and for the most part, I don’t have the problems at night that I used to. I think to potential for them is still there, but I worked so hard on controlling those thoughts that my mind just takes care of it for me now. So, it is a lot better.
Hang in there, and remember that you are not alone. It is scary for all of us.
-D.