Another Bedtime Battle!

Updated on July 09, 2008
M.H. asks from Springfield, VA
13 answers

My son turned 3 in April and has always been a wonderful sleeper. He still is once I get him down for bed, but that is the problem! I currently spend over an hour putting him down and he fights me over everything. Instead of telling you all his tactics, which I'm sure are the same ones everyone else experiences, I want to get your opinion on a idea I had. I made a sleep chart and told him that if he listens and stays in his room after I leave he will get a check mark. If he gets a check mark, he can watch TV before school, no check mark, no TV. The first night I didn't have a problem, but he had skipped his nap, so that probably helped some. Last night was back to normal and he did not get the mark. Then I started to worry that this wasn't the right way to go because there would be so much time between him going to bed and the punishment. I did some looking online last night and read several places that consequences need to be immediate if used. So my husband and I thought we would forget the chart and try something else because we want to be fair. If this is unrealistic and he won't understand, then I don't want to do it. But then this morning he wouldn't come out of his room until he got a check mark! He was looking at the chart and knows that he is missing one! I couldn't believe it. He was getting really upset because he wanted to watch TV. He still did not get his check mark and we had a talk with him about why. This made me wonder if my original plan would work. Would one morning of no TV hell pay off for us? Or does he understand that check mark equals TV, but not really understand why we are telling him he didn't get one?
I just want to hear from you all if overnight is way too long for a 3 year old to comprehend why they are being punished. Maybe something like this should wait until they are 5+? My instinct says that it is, but his behavior this morning made be second guess that. Any insight is appreciated!!

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So What Happened?

The first thing he asked me this morning is if he got a check mark! He did, last night he said he wanted to be a big boy and get check mark and bedtime went great. I am going to start the special prize for so many check marks as well, I think that will only make things better. I'm not messing with the nap for now because he gets miserable by about 6pm and bedtime is actually worse! Yes, he falls asleep faster, but the stalling and the actual battle that takes place is much worse! When he is that over tired, there is no getting him down believe it or not. Once he decides to stay in bed, he is asleep in a matter of minutes, so he is tired enough, just stubborn. I will stick with my plan for now and see how it goes because I now know that he DOES understand! He NEVER gets up in the middle of the night and will sleep 12 hours no problem, the problem has always been getting him asleep to start with. Kids are much smarter than some doctors and books give them credit for, that is for sure. Thanks for all the input!
So far things are great! He had three check marks so he got to reach in a bag of little toys and he was so excited. Every morning he says he wants a check mark and tells me why he got it. I haven't had to take away TV at all and bedtime has been wonderful. We read every night and then turn off the light and cuddle with all his stuffed animals. When he is sleepy, he goes into his bed and I rub his back and give him kisses. Now he lets me leave the room and stays in his bed a falls asleep because he "wants to be big boy and get a check mark"! This quiet time is what we have always done until he battled so much. I never took our quiet loving time together away, he did! Now we have it back and we will see how long this lasts!

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D.L.

answers from Tampa on

I also had trouble with my 3 year old son (who is now 4) getting out of bed 4-5 times after bedtime. I used a tactic from an article I read on line. I explained to him that it was dangerous for him to walk around in the dark at night so he was not allowed out of his bed except to go to the bathroom. I give him 3 dominoes (you could use cards, tokens, anything really) at bedtime and if he needs me he can call for me and I'll come and get what he needs (usually water or an extra kiss goodnight) and he gives me a domino. Once his dominoes are gone he can't call for me anymore. I was very skeptical at first but has worked like a charm! Good luck!

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J.

answers from Tampa on

A more immediate consequence would probably work better at this age. I have a 3 yr. old girl and she gets a couple chances to call me back for things but if it's more than about 3 times I will "threaten" her with sending Daddy next time or asking her if she wants me close the door, which of course she does not. Usually this works but some nights are easier than others. It also helps to allow her to read a book with a flashlight if I can tell she's really not tired yet. Also make sure that his bed time routine is fun and includes some good quality tiume with mommmy and/or daddy. Reading, singing. My daughter like me to tell her stories, not from a book but made up and then sometimes she wants to tell me one. I like to make sure that she feels satisfied before I leave the room. Oh, and so far as the chart goes you may have better luck usuing it as a reward system rather than for punishment. Like after so many check marks he gets to go somewhere fun or open a small present. Good luck!

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L.C.

answers from Lakeland on

it sounds as if your son does understand the chart concept and if so run w/ it!!! BUT.......I just read yeasterday in one of my parenting magazines that I rarely get the chance to actually read, and there was an article on napping that I was checking out (a struggle at my house) and it said that some 3-4 years will drop their afternoon nap altogether:(
maybe this is the beginning of that trend for your son, and maybe there will be those days when your son isn't really needing that afternoon nap as much as he used to, or as much as you need it!:)........food for thought! Good Luck!

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C.G.

answers from Tampa on

3 years old is old enough for this type of behavior modification strategy (we use them at the school I work at with 3 yo that have developmental delays successfully). Any time that you use a chart for rewarding behavior, you need to keep consistent with it over at least a few days. You need to expect fall backs. Obviously the checks are meaningful to him somehow, just make sure he understands why he's getting them. It's true that immediate reinforcements work best for that age, however I see it hard to give him an immediate reward when the behavior you want from him is to learn to stay in his room and fall asleep. To address this, you might change the way you give the checks by breaking down the time period. For example, you might give him a check for every 5, 10, or 15 minutes he stays in his room, and set a number of checks for him to earn in order to watch t.v. the next day. This way the immediate reward is the check, and the delayed prize is him getting to watch t.v. Since he is 3, you don't have to expect him to count the checks. For an easier visual, you can draw circles and draw lines down the middle to divide the circles into 4ths or 6ths like a pizza, then you can color in a pie section after each time period and tell him that if he earns a certain # of pizza slices, he can watch t.v. the next day.

Another thing you need to change is the way you are looking at the strategy. If you look at it as you are REWARDING his positive behavior, instead of PUNISHING the undesirable behavior, you transfer that positive energy to him. He becomes exited about wanting to please and earn his reward, rather than anxious or fearful of disappointing himself or you.
Hope this helps!
C.

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J.B.

answers from Tampa on

I read a wonderful book called the Sleep Easy Solution. The writers are doctors and are in favor of crying it out. I'm not in favor of that approach and did not implement that technique but I was still able to pick up some wonderful ideas on how to handle bedtime battles from reading it. I bought my copy at Border's but I know you can also order it online thru Amazon.com. I also agree with a previous poster in that you should cut his nap out. I've read several times that after 3 years of age daytime sleep is no longer necesarry and will interfere with night time sleep. GL!

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J.G.

answers from Lakeland on

Hi M.,

I can only tell you from my exp with my 3 yr old. We don't have bedtime issues BUT we had some issues with school behavior. I too made a chart and I had punishment for behavior. I took 3 of his favorite things away and returned one every 4 days with good behavior. We used stickers that he could put on each day he was good(He got to pick his own sticker) Every 4 days there was either a sticker or drawing of what he would get back, and we talked about it several times a day: Like one the way to school--I would remind him of why he was punished and how he could earn his toys back. He repeated everything back to me and everyone else he came in contact with. So this is why I feel that your 3 yrs old does "get it" They will try you and try you again but I found this worked great for my son. We still have the chart hanging on the fridge and he tells me every once in a while what it was for. I leave it there on purpose..Reminder... I would keep up what your doing and be very consistent, don't give up. Have him repeat very thing you tell him it helps it register. May be try stickers (something he picks out)in place of check marks maybe it will make it more meaning full.
Hope this is helpful.
J.

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H.B.

answers from Tampa on

Would your son do well to stay with him reading, telling stories, cuddling till he is sleepy or asleep? I'm not saying 4 hours long, but a reasonable time (which may vary nightly based on his needs, energy level, comfort) enough to settle him happlily and make him content enough to either feel happy even if you leave or relaxed enough to actually doze off? If it is currently taking an hour to settle him in a 'battle' sort of fashion, why not use that hour in a happy way for both of you to bond, cuddle and share those precious nights that will be gone before we know it :-) It may be just what he needs..... and the answer to everyone's frustration :-)

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M.G.

answers from Sarasota on

Hmmm..I have 3 children and from experience I've learned they are quite smart creatures! I have no doubt he can remember from the night before to the next morning -- my only concern with this 'consequence' is just based on his psyche. It's good for him to understand consequences, and at this age he's definitely able to comprehend them. And on the surface taking away the tv watching in the morning seems to make sense to me. But if it affects his sleep more adversely, not so sure about it. Meaning, is he lying in bed dreading the morning because he can't watch tv? how does this make him go to sleep any faster? or does the thought about not watching tv click into his brain when he wakes up? If it's a thought he gets in the morning, then I would think that's okay. Hmmm...would be interested in reading other Mom's responses...jury is still out on this one with me. Sorry.

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S.D.

answers from Lakeland on

My first reaction was that he is awfully young to understand the connection but then I read of his reaction when he had no check mark. Still I wonder that he is getting either the connection between the TV and the checkmark and the timing of gfetting thode checkmaks.
He seems to really like the idea and praise he gets for getting those marks. Maybe if you are consistant in explaining and carrying out he will get it. Your fiest step seems to help him get the timing down. Only explaining and repetition seem that they will do that.
Good lick on this M.! It soinds to me that it might be just the trick that you are lookinh for. It is just going to take time and patience.

S.

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A.M.

answers from Lakeland on

well, you're right...you're not alone! we've all bee through this & probably more than once. I agree w/Jennifer's response, but just wanted to stress the point of "being consistent"! If you and your husband make a decision (right or wrong)...stick w/it for awhile & see how it goes. Children are confused by our inconsistency (especially at this age). Also, have a family meeting & explain what you & daddy have agreed on (this is key) so that he clearly knows what is & isn't going to happen. Hope this helps some & I look forward to hearing about the good results in the end!!

blessings,

A.
www.health4wealth.com/lakelandfl

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S.R.

answers from Naples on

Hi M., I think the answer to your problem may be to cut out daytime naps so he is tired at night. I found that once I cut out daytime naps with my two and a half year old (which I did very reluctantly) the whole nightime situation improved - she now goes down at 7 without a fuss and sleeps longer in the mornings too. Before that, I was having an hour or even two of getting out of bed, crying and general non-compliance with the bedtime routine. For me, having peace and quiet at 7pm is worth the lack of a break during the day. Good luck!

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N.B.

answers from San Diego on

I followed what the Super Nanny suggested when my daughter started in her big girl bed. We would go through our bedtime routine which included rocking to a song of her choice and then I would put her down. I would also explain that it was time for bed and that she would know it was time to get out when she heard me in the kitchen the next morning. If she got out of bed and came to me, I would pick her up, put her back into bed, kiss her and walk out. I would not say a word to her. This lasted for about 3 nights until she realized it wasn't worth trying b/c the results were the same...she was put back into the bed. She is now 4, sleeps 12 hours, and doesn't come out of her room until I am in the kitchen the next morning.

She is a happy, well-adjusted child, so the Super Nanny was right.

Good luck.

N.

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K.F.

answers from Tampa on

I absolutely think he is old enough to understand. We use a sticker chart for all types of things with our 3yo twin boys. They earn stickers for good things/behavior and lose stickers for unacceptable things/behavior. We've used this for everything from going to sleep by themselves at night, helping clean up, being good at school, potty training, etc. We have a box with goodies (little toys from the dollar section at Target or the Dollar Store, books, etc). After they earn 10 stickers, they get to choose something from the box. If you are using the check marks only for going to bed, start small- maybe after 3 checks he gets something. Then gradually increase it to 5, then 7, etc.
I saw the tactic described in a previous post on Super Nanny about putting them back in bed without saying anything to them. I also saw one where the child was given like 2 'free passes' every night to come out of his room. Once those were used up, he wasn't allowed to come out anymore. This seemed to work on the show, too.

Hope you find something that works!
K. :)

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