Angry That I Was Unable to Breastfeed.....

After reading your post and the other responses, I have to agree that counseling would be a very good decision. I have an 8 month old and so it wasn't that long ago that I was in that "dark hole" you described. Your experience was much more intense than mine. Looking back I feel like my craziness was worsened by all the difficulties of breastfeeding. Self doubt coupled with no sleep equals insanity. I made the decision to exclusively pump for several reasons but encountered the same feelings you described when you had to stop breastfeeding. When my milk supply dried up entirely a few weeks ago, I felt depressed and yes, angry every time I filled a bottle with formula. I find myself still talking and thinking about my breastfeeding experience. Breastfeeding does create a bond and there are definite nutritional benefits to nursing. I think that may be what caused your initial sadness over having to quit. Perhaps what has exponentially worsened the sadness and morphed it into an obsession is your feeling that YOU are responsible. A counselor will be able to help you sort out the rational from the irrational here and maybe help you to alleviate the guilt that it seems that you have. I am not pointing any fingers here. I feel the same stab of jealousy everytime I see a nursing mother or read about the beautiful bond breastfeeding creates. But I also have two friends who have adopted children that couldn't be any healthier or more bonded to their parents. And they were not breastfed at all. You sound perfectly intelligent which is why you will most likely not be able to sort this out yourself if you feel so strongly about it after so many years. Please see a counselor and move out from this cloud of (logically unfounded) sadness and regret. Guilt is a horrible thing. I hope that you will talk to someone about this so that you can enjoy your motherhood to its fullest!

I am a licensed counselor, and I strongly encourage you to find a therapist to talk to. It is normal to have some anger, sadness, or frustration about not breastfeeding, if that is what you were hoping to do, but for it to still be this big a problem for you years later tells me that there is more at play here. Also, with such depression and anxiety in your past, it couldn't hurt to adddress some of that as well.
Breastfeeding doesn't make you a good mom, just as not breastfeeding doesn't make you a bad mom. Yes, there are benefits to it, but there are many, many babies who thrive on formula and do just fine. I imagine all 3 of your children are doing well regardless of what they ate in their first year of life.
A place I would recommend for counseling is Youth & Family Counseling in Flower Mound. It is not too far from Denton, is sliding scale, and the therapists are quite good. I used to work there before I started counseling foster kids. The agency number is ###-###-####.
Good luck to you. I really believe this is something that you can move past, and I think it would benefit you and your family if you would seek some counseling.

I strongly urge you to listen to your husband, who sounds like a very caring man and seek professional help immediately.

L.,

It sounds like you are a GREAT mother. Just from reading your note, I do think you would benefit from talking to someone about this. There may be a deeper issue. I can feel your pain through the email. I had to stop breastfeeding my daughter after she was only 3 months b/c I was in a serious car accident. I was REALLY upset about having to stop, but time helped me get over it. Obviously, time hasn't worked for you. I really hope talking to someone works for you :)

Yes, your husband is right (and I don't often make that statement ;) But, to me this sounds like much more than the breastfeeding issue. You sound like a great mom, but you need help in getting over this issue and be accepting of the fact that we mothers make comprises in every area - that's life. IMHO, there is some issue which you may not be acknowledging that made it difficult for you to BF. I had some issues myself so know how you feel - I was able to overcome it. We carry ALOT of baggage into motherhood from our own upbringings and it can take us a few years to recognize where that is really impacting us emotionally. You do need to resolve this as it can impact your children now - kids know when "mama ain't happy" and what they deserve the most now is a happy mother.

And, one final thought, low thyroid function can contribute to ALL the "psychological" problems you describe, including not being able to get over things. And, low thyroid can really impact breastfeeding due to an inability to produce enough milk. So, while you look for a good counselor, please make sure your doctor tests your thyroid: TSH, Free T3, Free T4, TPO and anti-thryoid antibodies. If they won't run all those tests, then find another doctor.

There are women who are dying during childbirth. There are women who are unable to even have childbirth. There are also women whose children die. There are worse things in life besides not being able to breastfeed. Let it go.

I almost died in childbirth, & I was in a coma for a month. I didn't get to meet my son until he was 6 weeks old. Needless to say, I didn't get to breastfeed, but I am so thankful that I have my life. I'm so thankful that I'm around to be able to have the chance to raise my son.

Let it go & enjoy your children.

L.,
Please listen to your husband and go talk to someone.

You did not fail. You had 3 healthy babies. Not everyone can breastfeed. Many people have post-partum issues.

Bringing up the subject here is the first step to talking to someone that can really help you.