my husband and i can't figure out why our 4th grade girl is angry.i think she reacts bably to us ordering around, but if we don't she will do nothing around the house. she talked with a counselor a couple of times to help her deal with bullies and we followed her advice exactly. we were told she has to hold it together at school where she is tormented and she acts right for everyone. well, her expressions turned to fits and yelling so loud you can hear her outside. we put our foot down. we tried to agree on expectations and discipline. it seems she wants to be in control or something.
we have been talking to the same counselor and we made an appointment with another one because it is miserable and i feel I totally failed her. When we opened up to a couple of people in real life, they didn't believe our daughter could act this way and were put off that we are so negative, but she explodes if she has to clean or something.
I haven't read it yet, but I've heard really great things about the book "Parenting with Love and Logic". You should be able to find it at the library or on amazon, and it's supposed to be a quick read with wonderful parenting advice. Maybe other moms on here have read it and can tell you more.
we only have your brief description to go on. You described yourself as "ordering her around". Maybe this is the problem. Girls who feel they have no control over their own lives usually turn inward, depression, anorexia, cutting. Maybe this is actually a very healthy sign that she expresses herself horribly Only with her loved ones. she clearly needs choices in her life. And you all need to find different ways to interact. Work on changing how you parent and give it time to change her. Give her a checklist of chores and have her put a sticker next to each one when finished, give lots of praise when she's done. Model for her how working around the house is actually a privledge by letting her hear you saying positive things like "wow, its' a lot to vacuum but we're so blessed to have a big house" , "Laundry is no fun but it wouldn't be fun to have only one set of clothes to wear like some people in the world." "Daddy works hard to mow and keep up our yard so we can enjoy it" Give her choices all the time! Do you want to wear this or this? Do you want to change before or after breakfast? Do you want to sweep the floor or fold the laundry, brush your teeth upstairs or downstairs? Make it Your goal to give her as many choices as you can but make them ALL choices you are happy with.
You are safe. Can you imagine if you had an abusive boss? You come home you are going to be negative. Yes you love your family but you have to keep it together or you will lose your job.
I don't know how to fix it mind you but I do understand why it is happening.
I guess another way to look at it as a river, so much water runs through it all day. You dam up that river for 10 hours and then release the water you have a lot less water during the day and a hell of a lot more at night.
Any chance she can change schools so she doesn't have to hold it back so much during the day?
How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. I had a cousin who started acting like that and my aunt read it and practiced it and it worked wonders for them. She may be feeling bullied (no pun intended b/c I know she was being bullied) but she may be associating directing her to clean, etc to being bullied (just because bullies tend to try to control people) and acts aggressive. I would let her know you are there to listen if she needs it and nudge your way into her comfort zone so she'll talk to you about things, it sounds like she may have some pent up emotions. I bet she feels like she has no choices or control, I would get one of those chore charts and have her take a dry erase marker to check them off and a lot of wow that is so awesome... you got THAT done, wow so cool.
I am curious about the school's advice... did they stop the bully? All you put was SHE has to hold it together, but to me that isn't sound advice, it isn't all about her. She has to work through it and express her emotions in a healthy way, if she can't hold it together that should be okay, they should allow her to see the counselor whenever she wants, that must be a scary feeling to not feel safe... and the bully needs to be somewhere else. I hope it isn't continuing. you said she IS tormented, if that is the case why are you taking her to a school where she is tormented? Take her out of the school. I'm not trying to be rude or mean at all, I'm just concerned for the little girl, I could never keep taking my daughter to a school she is tormented at or I'd light a fire on the school's butt to do something about the kid/s.
She doesn't want to be in control. She's lost, scared, and confused and to me it seems like everyone is telling her to hold it in, keep your composure, and do your chores. That's probably why she started having fits and yelling because she couldn't hold it in anymore.
I have a lot going on right now with my extended family. I mean, a LOT. Things are changing constantly and dramatically with them. I have to be sweet and patient for my kids and put on a positive face for my peers and so my poor, darling hubby has been getting his rear chewed for a couple weeks now. I knew I was off and he sure knew it too but I finally just melted down this weekend and before I knew it I was sobbing in his arms pouring out all the hundreds of little things that were kicking around in the back of my mind that didn't relate to our specific day to day but they were affecting me (my parents are getting a divorce, my uncle died, that sort of thing...)
I'm a grown woman well aware of how to discuss my feelings and deal with confrontation and I simply was not able to explain to my partner all the things I'd been feeling. I don't know exactly how to offer advice, but perhaps your daughter is experiencing a similar situation. At, what 9? 10? everything is changing. Is she a grown up, can she still be a little girl? She doesn't know right now.
I was lashing out at my husband because he was supposed to be my safe place and every little thing he did that made my day even an itty bit harder was like a huge emotional blow for me until I realized what was causing my emotions. I know "rewarding" her might be the last thing you feel like doing, but if you can, maybe just do something really wonderful for her that lets her know how much you're just crazy about her for who she is. Not really a "grown up" thing but just something amazing just for her.
You haven't failed her, and maybe something else is going on but it sounds to me like she's just trying to figure out the world and it's pretty overwhelming. She needs some time and a safe place to work it all out. I used my dollhouse for that sort of thing until I was almost 14 years old. (But, of course, I didn't tell anyone because that was so uncool.)
I don't know exactly how bad things got with the bullies but if she is still being tormented and possibly not sharing stories with you I would get her out of that situation. Change schools. Although you shouldn't use other people's address's I would do what ever it takes for the safety and peace of my child. Ask her what she thinks about switching schools.
I think a couple of books mentioned, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, and Parenting With Love and Logic, are a good idea for you.
I hope you don't take offense to these suggestions, but if you really want to change things, I think you need some parenting lessons.
I'm not trying to simplify this too much but when my boys FREAK out about something that doesn't seem like a big deal I take them somewhere for a quiet afternoon. Maybe the zoo, maybe a dinner but something where she could let down her guard and talk to you honestly. There are obviously LOTS of feelings going on for her right now. Let her talk with you privately. My boys would never say anything unless I did this periodically to "check in". Hope this helps....
Might be just the age because my daughter is doing the same thing.
Take a minute to draw a deep breath and remember that you are doing the right thing to see a counselor and to have her see one. Give yourselves credit for that.
And keep on seeing the counselor, not just for one visit here and one visit there, but for some ongoing visits over a while. It might be best for her to see the counselor alone while you and your husband (it needs to be both of you, not just you alone) talk about both your daughter and parenting skills.
I agree with others: If she's being bullied as badly as you indicate, she is venting her anger and frustration at home where she feels safest; you are her safety valve and that is not easy for you, either. And you're right -- she wants to be in control. Who wouldn't, considering she is not in control at school but must as you say "act right for everyone" to deal with torment? So she takes it out on you. She is probably not even realizing that is what she does; you as the adults need to realize it and frankly deal with that maybe more creatively. I think a professional counselor is really the way to go for her and for you too.
And remember -- choose your battles with her. She is at a very tough age. Being bullied is not an excuse to explode at you -- it's not an excuse but it IS a reason. So try to let go some things and decide what you really feel she must do to contribute to the household; then, see how she will respond to you and her, together, calmly working out a chore chart, perhaps with rewards or allowance for a certain amount of things done. She needs control -- give her some at home. The phrase "ordering her around" was a red flag, too; give her some control and a lot of praise and yes, rewards, and see if that works. And run it all by the counselor. Keep up that good work.
You should consider that it may be something more physical, not just mental. Possibly a hormonal imbalance? She is certainly at the right age, when the hormones start kicking in. But what if, for some reason, her body is over-producing?
