Am I Wrong to Help My 24 Year Old with Laundry

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I agree with some of the other posters.....invite him over for dinner, out to lunch or to the movies. No need to "buy" a few minutes of his time because you miss him. Hubby seems pretty smart here, you are not doing this 24 year old man any favors.

My daughter is 20, and when she is home from school, I am happy to do her laundry! (Not like I would not be doing laundry anyway....!)

If he's not even staying there while you do laundry your not really getting much time with him. Your better off having him come home for dinner once in awhile. My mom taught my brother and I to do our own laundry at 14. Both of us have done it on our own ever since. Does he even show any appreciation for you doing this? If this is causing conflict between you and your husband then maybe it is time to quit, there are plenty of other ways to spend time with your kids.

Uhm, if the point was to see him more often, then this is not working especially since you stated that "he leaves it" and then takes "up to a week to come back". To me this implies a fly-by, more like a laundry mat then going home to spend time with Mom.

Maybe you need to offer the facilities (i.e. the washer and drier) to let him do it - himself? Then he could hang with you while it is washing and you could help fold it (which you stated you liked doing) when it is dry and his laundry won't hang around your house for a week.

~C.

I agree with your husband. This is a life skill that you child needs to own. Invite him to do laundry at your house so that you can enjoy his company or find another outlet for you need to feel close to him, but don't let him treat you like the corner wash 'n' fold. By age 24, I lived on my own and was a mother. I would have been insulted by the thought that I needed my mommy to help me with my laundry! I'm sure there are other things you can do for and with him that will fill that void!

You feel closer to him when you do his laundry, but he's not even there???

Yes, your husband is right, and you are also possibly damaging his relationship with women and his future wife. Remember that the more you do for your 24 yr. old now is going to make his marriage and relationship with his wife THAT MUCH harder.

Time to stop and find yourself another hobby you enjoy: sewing, gardening, crafting, crocheting, scrapbooking....please go find something else. You'll be happier.

I agree with your husband. To add, when I was in my twenties, if I dated a guy that was still taking laundry home to M., I would RUN the other way! I would see it as a controlling mom who could not 'cut the cord' so to speak!
I think the sooner you accept your son is moved out, (Heck, he IS 24!), the better it will be for both of you.
Find another activity that could fulfill your need to 'mother' others. Maybe reading to a childrens' group at the library or volunteering at the YMCA?
It is time to stop though, I'm sorry. :(

Well...if you are doing the laundry so that you get to see your son more often then shouldn't he hang out with you while the laundry is being done? If he just drops it off and dashes off then I would say your husband is on the right track with his thinking (it certainly doesn't seem as if your son is being appreciative if he can't spend a few moments with you when you are doing him a favor but it also doesn't sound like he is taking advantage of the situation if he doesn't take you up on the offer too often. Unless he is bringing over months' worth of laundry). But in the end if you want to do your 24 year old's laundry who are we to say otherwise.

Personally, I would invite my 24 year old to lunch, dinner, a movie, etc. every few weeks or so to spend quality time and let him do his own laundry.

The key here to me is YOU don't mind, it makes you happy, so who cares what anyone else thinks!!! I too do laundry for my kids when they have tons of school work, or are busy. First, because I don't mind helping, and I am crazy and LOVE to do laundry lol!! I don't think you are going to ruin your son by doing his laundry on occasion, and if you don't mind then I think it is fine. If your children take you for granted, and take advantage, thats a different story. Why not help our family when they need it??? My mother did my laundry for me up until I got married, I didn't know how to fry and egg, I was soooo spoiled. I got married and from day one learned to cook, and keep a spotless house. My mother always said if you can enjoy your time now why not, you are going to be cooking and cleaning for the rest of your life!!! Lol!! Do what makes you feel right and don't worry about what others think!!

For the sake of his future wife...I think you should stop doing his laundry. I am joking when I say this...but sorta not.

I personally feel all boys as well as girls should be taught to do all life skills such as doing laundry or changing a tire and so on. Teaching these skills/habits young allows them to be responsible men/women and great husbands/wives.

Does he appreciate it? If yes...go for it!
Does he feel entitled and seem unappreciative? Then nah, I wouldn't do it.

Look, I'm almost 35. When my mom comes to visit from out of state or I go to visit her, she will sometimes help me out with my laundry even now! I think, as long as your kiddo appreciates it, it's a great thing to do. Every mom likes to feel wanted and needed and every kid (and adult! LOL) might love a break from laundry. It's just one way to show you care.

I agree with your husband to a point. It isn't helping you become/stay close with your son because he isn't around while you do it. I think you are like me and want to feel needed (which isn't a bad thing- its just what we like to do). You aren't necessarily babying him and he isn't taking advantage of you if it has only been 4x in 7 months, but it is still time to cut it off!

I agree with the others and see if he will just come over for dinner and have a conversation with you or something. You will find out more things about him and what is going on this way and if he wants to bring his laundry with him and do it himself while he is there (assuming he has to pay where he lives now), then that would be fine too!

I agree with Mommy L- if I was dating a guy and found out he was still having his mom do his laundry- I WOULD RUN!! It comes off as either you being too over-protective/ clingy or him not being self-sufficient enough. Either way- not a good mate situation.

We live 5 miles from my in-laws and I prob see them more than their own son, but the times he opens up the most about his job, life, etc is at the good ole' dinner table!

Well, 4 times in 7 months is not keeping him a baby. Obviously he is able to take care of himself. If you like doing it, and you want to do it, then do it! It's no harm whatsoever to your husband or anyone else. So, go for it! No one says you have to stop being a M. because your kids move out!

i was going to say both and my 21 yr old walked in and read the question and said thats not right if he uses her washer and dryer he should stay and visit so you got 2 opinions in one answer

I agree with your husband. Stop doing his laundry. Tell your son you'd love to see him, have him bring his laundry over so HE can do it himself while he visits with you.

I know the day will come when my kids won't want to be around me as much (although hard to believe at 3 and 4!)... and I know that has to hurt to miss them so much. I also know you are just wanting to see him and truly don't mind doing his laundry. I would just ask yourself if it is truly helping or hurting HIM?

Hmmmm, I can't believe I'm going to say this but, yeah, I'm with your husband.

You CAN still enjoy your son's company of course, but why do it under the guise of him still needing his Mommy to do his laundry?

Why not take him out to lunch? Why not have him over the house for dinner? Not sure you have to bribe him with the promise of laundry doing!

:)

I am a 39 year old woman with 2 young kids of my own and my mom still occasionally does my laundry when she's at my house. It's her way of helping me in whatever way she can. I've always appreciated the effort and told her countless times that it's completely unnecessary but totally appreciated. Your son cannot be too much of a baby if he is living independently and you've only helped him with laundry 4 times in the past several months. If it makes you happy and feel closer to your son, what's the harm. I can totally see myself helping my son in this way when he is a young man.
Hopefully you and your husband can find a happy medium. Good luck.

I agree with your husband. Have a few family dinners a month. The closeness you are feeling, is false. He's not there are you are not relationally benefitting from doing his laundry. Spend time with him and you will be much more happy. I wonder if this doesn't stem from him still needing you, in a way. Spend time with him, without having to feel needed and like you're doing something for him. You will enjoy your son so much more, just to have a conversation about his life!!

Well he is not doing it all the time, so I don't think it is wrong. Nor does it sound like he is insistent that you do it. I would ask him to come pick it up a little sooner than a week later because it is not a laundromat. I hope he stays a while a visits with you when he does drop off and pick it up. I also hope he thanks your.

Four times in seven months? Unless he's saving it all in between those times, it doesn't sound at all excessive to me, and I think if it makes you happy, why not?
On the other hand, it doesn't sound like you are getting the visiting time with your son that you might like to have. Can you come up with something else to bring him home to visit, or perhaps some way you can get to go and visit him more? Perhaps you can even plan some sort of family outing that will involve him.
You also may want to consider that when a child is making the break from home to adulthood, they might feel that they need to keep some distance. So be sensitive to how much you expect him to interact with you and the ways you go about getting that interaction. Once your son has established for himself that he is really his own man and not dependent on you anymore, he will most likely start to interact with you more, on an adult level.

I think if it's something you want to do then do it. If you offered and truly wanted to do it then 4 times in 7 months does NOT seem excessive to me. Mabey you could ask your son to hang out with you while some of the laundry gets done? You'll feel good about that, the laundry gets done, and your husband will think better about it. Now if you really like to do laundry, I've got lots of it so feel free to call me anytime you feel bored LOL.

I've not read the other replies, but my gut reaction is to say stop, let that son of yours be a man. It's good that he isn't dropping off laundry all the time, but yeah, if he isn't staying to hang out with you then your entire reasoning for doing this for him is negated. This is also, in my humble opinion, going to imped his finding a mate. No one that age is going to be 'in' to him taking his laundry to his momma's house. I think it's so sweet that you still want him close to home and that you still want to mother him, but at 24 I think it's time to let go. He is fully a grown man now.

Do you miss him or his laundry? You should be hurt that you do this for him and he doesn't stay to visit.

If you love doing it, and your son appreciates it, keep on washing and folding.

When I was in graduate school, far from home but close to my grandmother, I would drive to my grandmother's on weekends to do laundry. We watched lifetime movies, read books, and she would cook me a nice dinner. I was really lonely and LOVED the time I got to spend with her. She lived alone in the country and was delighted to help me.

My feelings were really hurt (and still are) when my Aunt criticized me for going there for free dinners.

My grandmother died two years ago, and I am so thankful I got to spend that time with her.

Are you wrong. No.
Are you helping him? Yes and no. Helping you son know a basic housekeeping chore like laundry will not only help him, but help his future relationships. A guy that knows how to do his only laundry is a good thing.

Can mom do it better, sure, but a guy that depends on mom for his laundry? Not so good a catch.

What about going over to his place and help/watch him do his laundry there?

M.

If you've only done his laundry four times in seven months, then obviously he's not 'depending" on you for a laundry service. I bet he brings it over occasionally because he realizes that you like doing it. If you didn't, why would you offer. So, he's probably trying to make you happy by letting you do his laundry occasionally. I would bring the fact that he's obviously done laundry more than four times over the past seven months, so he's obviously responsible enough to do it and ask him to just leave you alone and let you continue to do these small things for your son, if in fact you want to do it.

I don't really see anything wrong with it at long as it is just once in a while. If he were doing it 2-3 times a month then I would say he was taking advantage. I assume that since he's only brought his laundry home 4 times in 7 months that he's doing his laundry himself the rest of the time. If that's the case, then what's the big deal?

Hi there,

I don't have time to read your many responses, but let me tell you this... I live in Rome, Italy. My American friend is married to wonderful Italian man. His mother lives about 30 minutes - 1 hour away. And the mother washes and irons all of his work shirts, every week. Here, it is totally normal for people to live at home until they are married, no matter how old they are. And for moms to cook and clean for their grown children. If it makes you both happy, why not? If you have the time and he can use the help, where's the harm?

:)

I do not see a problem with you doing his laundry. Four times in seven months is not a lot. That is what mothers do. If he was bringing it over once a week, that would be a problem. .

Nothin wrong with what you're doing in my opinion. Do what makes you happy!

If you miss doing his laundry then do it. I love doing my sons laundry because I love his clothes style and his cologne on them smells so good. This post made me laugh because yesterday he threw his work uniforms in the wash about 20 mins before we needed to leave and I told him it wouldn't be done on time and he kept telling me he had the wash time on 8 minutes. I told him it needed time to dry. Everyone in the house was like "Wow" and I was upset because I didn't want him to be late yet shocked he thought he had enough time. It made me wonder what he'll do when he's on his own. He threw the clothes into the dryer before the spin cycle came on and they were sopping wet. He said he wrung them out lol. I ran them through the spin cycle and threw them in the dryer on hi then when we left it was pouring outside anyways. God I hope he punched in on time! Tell your husband doing laundry is expensive and you are glad to help him because that's the part of him being there that makes it possible for him to be away. If your husband still isn't happy tell your son he can use your washer and dryer but he has to stay so it isn't tied up all day.

I think it depends on your relationship with him. Is he respectful, treats you well etc or sees you as a maid? 4 times in 7 months isn't a lot so it doesn't seem like he's abusing it and must do some of his own laundry too. I lived at home while working and commuting far in order to save money to pay for graduate school. My mom not only did all my laundry during that time but would make nice containers of fruit salad for me to take to work. It was comical and was I spoiled? - hell yes. But I was working hard and I've always been super good to my parents so it's a two way street. And I definitely know how to take care of myself and my house now and am in no way lazy. So if it makes you feel good to do this, your son is good to you in general, and he's not a lazy slob sitting on the couch all day having you do his household chores, who cares?

There is nothing wrong with it. It doesn't seem excessive nor that he is taking advantage of you. You are just helping him out and he is helping you in some way. These little things are things you will cherish as he grows into complete manhood. Soon, you will find other ways to still see each other ie. Holiday's, birthday's big milestones etc. Be happy! Now if he was 40 and you were still doing it...then there would be a problem-smile!

My daughter has done her own laundry since she was 12. When she moved out, I helped her get all of her dirty clothes washed and dried so that she would be moving nothing but clean stuff.
She works two jobs and goes to school, and when her dryer broke, she came to my house to do laundry. She needed to leave for class before it was finished, so I finished it for her.
As a once in a while thing, I don't mind helping her with her laundry. If she were bringing me all of her laundry all of the time and expecting me to do all of the work, then we would have a problem.

If you want to see your son, invite him over for dinner. You are not helping him to become a grown up by doing his laundry for him. He obviously doesn't appreciate it anyway if all he does is drop it off and come by when ever he feels like it to pick it up. Your his laundry mat and that's not okay. You could also offer to let him do his own laundry at your house...wash it himself and fold it himself. But you need to stop doing it for him.

I think if you want to continue helping him out every once in awhile, then do it. If you really have no problem with it, then why not? My DH is 27 and my MIL does our laundry from time to time to help out. She has HUGE front loading machines that steam clean and all that. We live in a 1 BR apartment with a half size washer/dryer stacked in a closet. What takes us the whole day takes her 2 hours. Sometimes I also go over to her house, and use her machines while she watches her grandson, so it's a win-win. I see no issue if both parties are happy with it.

It's not a matter of right or wrong. He's all grown up now and needs to be able to take care of himself. He can bring over his laundry, you show him how it's done, he provides his own detergent, bleach ect. He can do his laundry, you can teach him to cook if he needs to learn, have dinner together and clean up together, he takes his folded laundry home. Win Win you get to spend time with him and he becomes more self-sufficent.
Time for Mom to get back to her life BC (before children). There must be something you always wanted to try, like belly dancing or golf and never did, no time like the present.

You aren't helping him with it, you are doing it for him. I see nothing wrong w/ helping him but I do see your husband's point. See if he will bring it over when he has time to visit so you or he can start the washer and dryer, visit, and then fold together while you continue the visit.

As it is, you are doing the laundry but not really seeing him more. Luckily, he is doing it so sparingly that he's not taking advantage of you but still.

I think it's kind of sweet. The fact that he only does it occasionally shows that he doesn't want to take advantage, but there is a certain comfort in knowing you can always turn to Mom even for the small stuff. If it makes you happy and gives you both some comfort, I say fold & fluff to your heart's content.
My Dad calls me sometimes when I haven't stopped by in a while and says, "Hey, I miss you. Why don't you come over and visit when you have time." Maybe you should tell your son that you miss him and ask him if he could work in a little time just to visit and have a bite to eat.
:)

Well my mother in law used to do my SO's laundry till he was 34. LOL.
My SO lived in an apartment that had no washer/dryer for about 9 years (before that he did his own when he did have a place w washer/dryer). With his hours he could never make it to the laundry mat. So he would drop off a bag of clothes to his mom once a week.
My MIL is a serious laundry expert. My FIL has socks that you would think were brand new out of the package. She can get just about any stain out, folds perfectly (even fitted bedsheets), and whites always stay bright white.
I guess it was a mutual thing...it gave my MIL something to do for her son who moved out, and it helped out my SO not having to do tons of laundry at a laundry mat on his day off.
We now live in a house with a washer/dryer and my SO does laundry...granted I do the majority because I am a sahm, but he knows how to, does and can do it.
Hope this helps.

I dont think you are wrong I used to bring my laundry home right after I moved out. my step mom didnt do it for me but I would hang out for a day with her and my dad and get my laundry done.

I have to side with your husband on this one. To put this in perspective: my husband is 25-years-old. He has his bachelor's degree, owns his own business, is the father to a 2-year-old, and we have a second baby on the way in June. I am a stay-at-home mother, and my husband supports us 100%.

Your son is WAY too old to be having his laundry done by his mother. You aren't doing his future spouse any favors by coddling him like this. I understand that it makes you happy to help your son, but you're definitely hindering him by doing it. He needs to take the responsibility for his laundry, not you. If you want to be closer to him, invite him over for a home-cooked meal. Men of all ages appreciate that, and if he did have a girlfriend/ fiancee/ wife in the future - it's likely she would love it too.

I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with offering to do his laundry for him. I don't think there is anything wrong with him not picking it up for a week. Perhaps his thought process is that he doesn't expect you to drop everything for his laundry, so it may take a few days to get it done. And, maybe his work schedule is such that it isn't very easy to get back to your house for a week. The main thing I see in this whole scenario is that this is causing division between you and your husband. It is possible that your husband sees something that we cannot see in your question. He sees the whole picture, we see only a snipet that you have shown us. I wonder if your husband might have worded the question differently. Of course, we don't know you or your family dynamics. My advice would be that you honor your husband's desires in this. Doing your son's laundry every other month or so is not worth causing division in your marriage. Honor your husband. Trust his judgement. Invite your son for a meal instead (or just for fellowship!).

Sounds like you have a bit of Empty Nest syndrome. If he's taking a week to get his laundry, he's not wanting to spend time w/you, just using you for free laundry. You should just stop all together unless he has no laundry money once in a while or if he's in his own home, his washer is broken. He needs to do his own laundry. I agree w/other posters, if you want to see him, SEE him, not just his laundry or at least call him once a week to catch up on things if he's not at home.

Huh!!! That's nothing. My sister does her 30 year old son laundry..every week and sometimes twice. He has a 3 year old that stays with him every other night and with the mother on the other nights. She does her grandsons clothes for both of these households. Heck noooooo....I wouldn't do it..with the way electricity costs...that's all she does everyday....wash clothes!

Your original thought was to offer to do laundry so you could see him more. I'm sure you were thinking that he'd come over and stay for dinner and then swing by a few days later to pick it up!

Unfortunately, your son is using you like a laundry service, which you are not. The "wrong" part is that he's not being responsible in picking up his clothing and that he's not seeing this in the same way you are.

Sorry mama, but your husband sounds right here! My sister is the same age and my mother does EVERYTHING for her (including her bankin) b/c she says that she works long hours and she's "just helping". On the outside, I will tell you that it's really sad that my college-educated, successful sibling CAN do her own laundry, CAN do her own banking, CAN schedule her own appointments, but doesn't b/c my mom is more than willing to "hold on" to her mom role long after is should have sunsetted into a different kind of relationship.

If it makes you happy- do it, but be aware that my 41 yr old co-worker still does this with his mom and then will look at my totally baffled by the fact that he's still single!

I didn't have time to read all of the posts, so if I'm repeating someone else, I'm sorry. I say you are not doing his future partner any favors. By doing it for him, he will expect someone else to do it when he creates his own family. At that poiint you might be causing him a problem. I've said it to my friends with adult sons, please have them do their own laundry. My husband's mother did his laundry similarly to the way you have done your son's. We are approaching our 16th wedding anniversary, and alothough he now helps with laundry, he will put it in the washer and dryer but doesn't get folding right after the dryer and putting the clothes away. He's still learning.

Please teach your son now to do it himself.