My husband I do love him dearly..is extremely critical of practically everything about me. Its diffucult sometimes. I do misakes and own up to it.My husband is sleeping at his parents this evening. HIs parents are in their late 80s and both are in bad health. My MIL has cancer that has gone to her bones. My FIL has always been a very nice man doesn't say much. ...he is now extremely thin. I saw my FIL last week and I see them usually 2-3 times a month. I was shocked with how thin he was even though I saw two weeks before. He is 6 ft 1 in and is now 142 lbs. The same weigt as I and I am 5 ft 7 in. I was glad that he was able to visit with them they miss him and ask me to have him visit. He works long hours trying to get a new business started and is doing a great job getting his business started.Anyhow he called me and as soon as he called it sounded like he was crinkling tin foil into the telephone. I didnt accuse him. I just simply asked him calmly to stop making the tinfoil noise because I could not hear him. ( My mom told me later I tell her this all the time when I am the phone with her) so I guess its my phone. He got so nasty which he does.
I let it go and I thougt I texted him 2 very loving texts. Told him I love him and I if he had a bad day its ok I love him. To have a nice iIvisit his parents.
He would not except my loving emails. I know he is going thru stress with his parents being sick and starting a new business but I am trying to be supportive in the way in know how to. I am not a unkind person and I dont say comments I later regret how I am sometimes awkward in social situation including with my husband. I am not holding any grudges. During his busy season at work he is constantly mad at me. I made left overs, I didnt do something correct., I am constantly trying to make him happy..now maybe my opproach is not good. The final thing is I dont need to be right I just want peace between us and for our children. I love him. Even when I am apologize I am still wrong. I make mistakes he make mistakes but is it not better to talk iti over and reslove it and forgetit
Hi, C.:
Get into a support group to help you set boundaries:
Or contact: www.collaborativelawpa.com
Good luck. D.
I truly hope you will consider getting some counseling.
This just so resonated with me and my past.
I remember Maya Angelou said that some people are like ducks. They come up and they pluck off one feather and you barely notice. They do it again, you just try to make peace.
One day, you wake up bald, you have been totally plucked!
It is not loving to allow someone to be abusive towards you.
I hope you don't have children seeing this dynamic.
Your heart is in the right place. Even though I don't know you, I am very concerned for you.
BTW, my wasband admitted to me one day after the divorce that he had been afraid that if I felt good about myself, I would leave him.
For some reason, other than it being a great book, feel the need to suggest the book "The Surrendered Wife"....crazy title, it is a very empowering book and gave me a lot to think about. If anything could have saved the marriage, that book would have.
I learned the sentences from therapy, "I do not allow myself to be belittled." "I do not allow anyone to assassinate my character."
I sure don't know the dynamics of your relationship, but it is fun to see the shock on certain people's faces when you stop allowing them to be abusive.
It's just as much for them as for myself.
Best of Everything!!! You are so worth it!!!!
"The best revenge is living well."
Pati
You sound like a wonderful person to me. I know its hard to be criticized for every little thing. Is he more cranky now that his parents are ill...so sad. It was really nice of you to send loving emails.
It could be your phone. Might be time to get a new one. That way you wont have the extra noise when trying to listen to someone.
I would let things drop for now. He maybe so stressed out it seems. You can always sit down or while in bed ask him to lighten up with you, that you are trying your hardest to make him happy. That you love him . If he could start saying something nice to you once a day that would make you feel so good. I wish you luck!
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sound like you need a new phone and he needs to lighten up! good luck
well, here is my take, saying "Honey, i can't hear you" is different than "Stop making that noise" and now if you say you having this trouble with your mom on the phone and that you think the issue is with your phone line than accusing him of having tin foil in his hand while talking to you seems a little harsh. But it was a mistake, i think the nice texts make up for it.
He is under an extreme amount of stress right now, between providing for you & his kids, taking care of his parents (which seems like his parents are coming to the end of their life, which is even more stress & sadness) AND starting up a new business. Everything you do and say will irritate him unless it is in the most nicest way because he is literally at the end of his rope and is crashing and burning. He may not admit to it, may not want help so all you can do is just be as supportive as you can be and tread lightly about everything.
You statement... "he called me and as soon as he called it sounded like he was crinkling tin foil into the telephone. I didn’t accuse him. I just simply asked him calmly to stop making the tinfoil noise because I could not hear him." ... you asking him to stop making the noise is accusing him, even if you do it nicely. Now if your mom said later that you say the same thing to her, idea get a new phone or NEVER mention it again! If you did not hear something politely say 'sorry I did not get that last part, my phone keeps crackling.'
It is nice that you sent two loving texts but it may take awhile (if ever) for anything to register with your hubby, he is dealing with A LOT and trying to process A LOT.
Caring and trying to process/think through a parent's illness especially if it is going downhill and lead toward death is HARD. All they are thinking is what can I do to help, can I do anything, can I at least make it less painful for them, did we miss a doctor's visit, are they doing everything that the doctor told them to do, what are their wishes if they pass on, how am I going to handle this on top of my job and caring for my family at home plus here.
Let him know you are always here for him, and that whatever you can do to help you will try to do. It seems like a lot of little things are starting to add up and are getting you down which is making him also fell worse... maybe counseling either together, both separate or just you to help your family thought the hardships both you and hubby are facing. Morethenlikely the tension between you two and this situation(s) are going to get worse before it gets better because dealing with a parent's illness can be devestating. You are already asking if you or him are wrong, you are trying to play a blame game and in a marriage that NEVER works out well for either person so change how you are looking at the situation.
OH my goodness cut your husband some slack. I am guessing you haven't lost a parent yet, so maybe you don't know how it feels to see it coming. He is so stressed out right now and you really need to be patient and be very aware how you talk to him. I imagine it is hard from your end too, but this is SO MUCH tougher on him.
To the person who said he needs to "lighten up," she obviously hasn't been through watching a parent fade away either. Imagine how he feels and try to continue to be supportive and understanding.
It totally irritates my husband when I tell him I can't hear him. So I feel your pain. Like one person said, sounds like you need to get a new phone. I don't think you did anything wrong. Sounds like he is just under alot of stress right now. He is losing his parents and that can not be an easy thing. I can not imagine all the pain he is going through right now.
Just be patient with him. You will probably have a few more instances where he will be upset for nothing. Just know it is not you and he just needs time to adjust to everything that is going on right now.
When you see him again, just give him a big hug and kiss. That is really what he needs right now. And lend a supportive ear.
I totally agree with Katie B.
Is it just recently that he is so critical? Then it would be the stress, he certainly sounds like he has a lot on his plate, and dealing with sick parents is heart breaking. Try not to take it personally. However, if it has always been part of the relationship, get counseling. You shouldn't let someone belittle you and it's bad for your kids to see this dynamic. But if it's temporary crankiness because of all the stress, I'd say let it slide. He needs your understanding and support right now.
