My in-laws came down yesterday to do Christmas with us. They are staying four days. We have a blended family--one child together, my daughter, and my husband's two kids. We have been having a lot of discipline troubles with my stepson, and have recently put in place some pretty stiff guidelines for him to live by. He is doing MUCH better since this change. However, my FIL thinks that these rules and consequences are too stiff (kids aren't allowed to play if they are on "red"--meaning they've broken a serious rule, such as being disrespectful. The red lasts for the rest of the day). My husband and I were explaining how much success we've had with this method, but he insisted it was wrong. We dropped the conversation.
Then my stepson (he's 6) came down to tell us he had cleaned his room and asked FIL to come and see. When they returned my FIL was offering lots of praise, and so was I. He then looked right at me and said "Did you hear that? He's a perfect boy. His room is clean. There's nothing on his floor. No piles of Barbies for me to trip over." He was referring to my daughter's room, which is somewhat messy and she has a ton of Barbies that she plays with in there. However, as long as she doesn't string her toys all over the house, I've not made her (or any of the kids) keep up a perfect space in their rooms. I feel that this was a direct way of saying that my daughter is given preferential treatment--why should my stepson not have privileges, but she does, when his room is clean and hers is not. I didn't say a word, but I came upstairs to cool off because I was SO angry.
Since then, my husband has talked to him about it, and they are now threatening to leave. He says he was in no way referring to her room (even though he specifically mentioned Barbies) and just overall feels unwelcome here. He says that is because we requested that they have flu shots before coming to visit (our baby is 4 months old), and that that must have been a ploy to keep them away. I am holed up in our bedroom as he and my husband are yelling it out downstairs. What should I do? I'm ready to just say forget about it and move on, but at the same time want to stand up to him.
Thank you for all the input. Let me just say about the flu shots--my son is only 4 months old and so he could not get a flu shot. Otherwise he would have had one and we never would have asked for them to get one. What happened is I went down to apologize and say let's drop it and move on. But at that point he and my husband were in a very heated argument (about stuff that happened before I ever even knew my husband). It went on on the back porch for two hours, and ended with them leaving. Unfortunate, but my husband says he feels a lot better. I should have also specified that the 6 year old is not allowed to play his computer games on the first offense, then he loses TV. So there are lots of other things he could have done with grandpa but grandpa wanted to play on the computer with him. Thanks again for the input!
Personally I think you might have overreacted. They are only there for 4 days.... you can do business as normal after they leave, it's not worth creating a wall over. Grandpa is just trying to bond with his grandson... let him.
Just another perspective - can you imagine being the grandparent of a beloved grandchild who lives with a stepmom (or stepdad) who also has prior kid(s) and a child with bio dad or mom? Would you not be just a tiny bit inclined to worry about favoritism? I know I would, and I am the bio parent in that situation. I would give these people the benefit of the doubt.
I'm not even going to get into the flu shot issue . . .
Good luck.
Wow... I think you need to pick your battles. You are reading way too much into situations, and then starting things and asking your husband to repeatedly defend your honor...against his parents. What a horrible situation to put him in... repeatedly (I read your earlier post).
Discipline is great...but don't discuss it with your parents or in laws. It has nothing to do with them and really isn't their business. Good job on holding fast, but be aware that stepkids need some gentler handling (SOMETIMES)...it is a very hard position to see your parents and their new familes - you never quite know where you fit in when you are with an extended/blended family.
Stop reading into everything they (inlaws) say or do. Previous Post - If they want to ease their drive by traveling with family...power to them. It makes no sense to waste gas and energy driving two cars - it is ridiculous to read some personal vendetta into their wanting to simplify a trip. Why would you ever think that is choosing someone else's kids over yours? Of course they love you and your family, or they wouldn't be coming back so soon after just visiting.
Flu shots...I would never in a million years ask someone to vacinate themselves on my behalf...BUT...I totally respect that it is your belief. I am a pretty laid back parent, but I get it.
You are under some serious pressure as mom and stepmom. I give your props for entertaining your in laws...But you gotta relax...and stop being so defensive. Life is way to short, and putting your husband in this position...especially with his parents over the holidays is really crappy and will eventually cause some serious problems with your relationship or your family's with your in laws (my opinion, and I apologize for coming across as so direct).
Take a deep breath...let them (inlaws) think what they want about how you two chose to parent - they will no matter what you say. Try to go the extra mile with the stepson (it is a very, very hard position to be the odd man out so try to be as forgiving as possible), and just let it go.
Added: If you can...and it will take a huge person...Go downstairs, tell your in laws you have had some time to reflect and you want them to know how much you love and appreciate them. Explain that you and your husband have a system of parenting that they may not agree with but it works for you and that you would appreciate that even when they disagree with something they help you present a "united front" and discuss things like discipline in private with you directly. Then apologize for being overly sensitive, and tell them you really do want them to stay and be a part of your lives. Most importantly (and I am not insinuating you don't...just saying) - try to parent all your children as evenly as possible no matter how you feel about them, with maybe some extra attention to you stepson once in a while so he knows how much you care.
Agree with previous posters -- Keep your parenting policies (i.e. being in the "red") to yourself as much as possible. Whether it is friends or family, few will understand why your policies work for you so why bother to explain them?
It is nice that your husband has your back but try to be very selective about the times you need him to do so. Some day all too soon, his parents will be gone and then he may have regrets that he has to live with about the times he spent spatting with them about small things.
Flu shot...Flu shots...I see your perspective -- Being a fan of vaccines myself and understanding that sometimes, their efficacy relies on "herd vaccination". However...I think flu shots actually work well without the "herd vaccination" theory? (I may be misinformed) Meaning, you/baby are protected by your/baby's vaccination and your/baby's vaccination is not enhanced by others getting vaccinated? At 4 months, is your infant not nursing and is too young to get vaccinated him/herself?
Go downstairs. Keep the peace. They are there after all to celebrate the birth of the prince of peace. You can pat yourself on the back a few days from now when they are gone. You can feel good that your gave the gift of peace, understanding and civility...Even if you feel these same gifts were not given to you by your in-laws.
Your husband is taking care of it -- you don't need to do or say anything.
Let it go, it's not worth making yourself crazy over.
Your house. Your rules.
They are visitors who need to respect your rules and the way you raise your kids.
When they have gone back home, they will not be living with the fall out of what ever spoiling they did while they were visiting.
I agree with SammyJo. For your in-laws, this is Christmas with you and if a discipline consequence is lasting throughout their visit and there is such a strong reaction from you, they might not feel welcome. Are you sure this is really about what you think it is? Are there other underlying issues fueling this? Feel good about setting boundaries but be confident you are the parent and are allowed to do so. You can set boundaries with others with compassion and still be true to yourself. Others don't have to like it but they aren't supposed to if the boundary you are setting has to be set. Good luck and it is ok to not apologize for setting boundaries, but maybe everyone should apologize for letting emotions become hurtful?
And I might re-evaluate the day-long not being allowed to play for a 6 year old. It is a bit harsh and developmentally speaking, a day is a long time for the general concept of play. Maybe being specific with what kind of play and maybe not for a holiday? JMO.
I think you should let your husband resolve this with his dad. You didn't say how long you two have been married or what your day-to-day relationship is like with your in-laws, or what kind of relationship your husband has/had with them in the past.
FIL sounds a little passive-aggressive (aren't we ALL in SOME way though?), but hubby is standing up for his family and his rules (yours and his). So that is good. I'd follow your husband's lead... if he thinks you should stand down, discuss it with him and make your decision about it. If he backs you to the hilt and doesn't let it go... let him.
That's just my 2 cents of course. But whatever you do, let hubby lead. It's HIS mom and dad.
OH. I just went back are read your previous post regarding Thanksgiving visit with them. Having done so, it seems that you may still be a little hormonal and sensitive. It is very hard to hear that when you are feeling caught up in your emotions like right now. But it appears to be the case. I was very sensitive to family sleights or perceived sleights or inconsiderateness (?) of other people for a few months after the births of my kids. At the time, you feel perfectly justified. In some cases you are. But not in EVERY case. Sounds like you might be just a little overwhelmed and overly sensitive. A little bit of hormones out of whack and a little bit of holiday stress added together can wreak havoc. So try to take a breath. You WANT to foster a relationship with your in-laws and your kids, right? So do that. They will only be there a short time. Your kids are bright enough to understand that you and your husband rule the roost and make the rules... not grandpa. Be the bigger person now, and you will be glad later on.
Last time your inlaws were laying down boundaries on what worked for THEM in their lives, this time y'all are laying down boundaries about what works for YOU in your lives.
It's your home. You are completely within your rights to ask that long term visitors get a flu shot before staying with you and that one child isn't criticized in order to praise another, and that your parenting/discipline choices not be undermined OR criticized in front of the children.
The "grey" area is that as long as it's not constant, criticisms could be allowed as long as the children are in bed (aka if they want to talk with you about something about parenting that it be done NOT in front of the children)... but undermining in my book -as well as criticizing one child to praise another... are both completely disallowed.
Laying down boundaries can be rough... but IMHO we're much better for them. I'm particularly fond of the book "Boundaries' Where you end and I begin." http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Where-Begin-Recognize-He...
be polite. however although your fil is allowed his own opinion he should stay out of this situation and leave the disciplining to you and your husband.
also my kids are for the most part polite however whatever i did was never right according to my mil. sometimes i had to scold them at their grandparents and she never agreed with me. i was always polite to her but she had no business saying anything about how we discipline.
I went back and read a previous post - seems that you are a little bit sensitive to your in-laws? Let your husband handle it. I don't think it is unreasonable to have them get flu shots before they come, I made all of my family get the d-tap shot at my dr.'s suggestion before they came around my new baby. I think that is just caution and they should not take that personally unless you didn't require EVERYONE to get the shot. I hope that you guys can work things out and get things resolved.
As long as you and your husband are in agreement on how you raise your children your IL's opinions do not matter. If they don't like how you are raising the children, let them leave. They will be the ones missing out. I wouldn't worry about it. If all your children are happy and know you love them the same, then you aren't doing anything wrong. Best of luck.
This is completely off subject but I was looking at your previous posts on silent reflux, I do hope you didn't chose to use reglan and I highly highly suggest taking him into the chiropractor if you have not. Our son suffered horribly from silent reflux unti lat 7mo we took into the chiro and within 6b adjustments he was off acid reflux meds and sleeping more then an hour at a time and out of the doctor prescribed sleep wedge. Sorry about the randomness of this but just in case I thought I'd throw it out there.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Tell them that you are the parent, and they should just be the grandparent. They don't live there full time. If they choose to leave that is their choise. You are not asking them to leave, just asking them to leave the parenting and discipline to you and your husband.
I get your consequences for his actions and completely agree with you on having to implement some rules as kid specific. Basic rules are the same but sometimes you have to personalize.
I also get you wanting to protect your son; however, I disagree with you forcing the flu shot on anyone as a condition to visit. You come into contact with people every day (stores, schools, etc) that may not be vaccinated. I am pro-vaccinations and I do not have issue with the flu vaccine (my daughter normally gets them but my son is now 19 and chooses not to). I have serious reservations about the H1N1 vaccine (too many known side-effects and not enough yet known about the long term effects...just not worth the risk). This year, the flu vaccine includes the H1N1 vaccine and most do not tell you that unless you specifically ask. Forcing someone to get an optional vaccine such as the flu is one thing but forcing them to get a combination vaccine with those risks is not just protecting your child but risking your inlaws health.
Well... at least your Husband is supporting YOU.
That is good. Praise your Husband... so he feels positive about it and in the future. Not all Husbands, will support the Wife and confront their own parents.
Here is a GOOD article, regarding kids and praise/kid behavior, etc.:
http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/
sounds like your husband is dealing with it. I'd let it go, they are his family, let him resolve this as he sees fit and try to enjoy the holiday.
