My boyfriend has 3 biological children. His 2 oldest children have a set of twin 5 yo brothers that are not his. His son lives with us full time. He does not pay child support for his daughter but takes care of her as well as helping the mother with the 2 children that are not his. But she uses these children to try and get him back. She calls constantly and repeatdly when he doesn't answer. He was just diagnosed with severe sleep apnea and his energy and strength are gone! So i have taken the house over completely until he gets his self back together healthwise. I don;t feel like i should have to do for these twins( that she had to compete with him when he had another child and father didn't want them and told her to her face if she had the twins he wa gone). I told him they are not his children and she uses them as bait to get him over to her house as well as his daughter. Am i wrong for not wanting to deal with these twins. i feel like he does too much already. she should be grateful for what he does do but she always wants more. Am i wrong for feeling this way? she wants him back and uses these children as bait. It's hard enough adjusting to HIS children now 2 more that aren't his? Help me Ladies?
thank you everyone for your advice it is all appreciated and taken into consideration. a few points though. I treat these children the same way i treat my son. when they are good and act right they are rewarded and given extra treats from me. I made easter baskets EVERYBODY got a easter basket. when they mess up and act a fool they get a whooping with everyone else.lol. No we are not married but due to illness i have not worked in almost two years but he has taken on my illness and money woes with no problems. the money that I DO get, i was told to do whatever i want with it. it gets saved for a rainy day( like now that he's off for his own illness) or spent on ALL the kids. so i feel like how dare i leave him now that he is ill when he didn't do that to me! I think i know what to do now. THANK YOU ALL FOR YOU IMPUT!
Yes, I think you are wrong. Those twins are his biological kids siblings. That makes them family, period.
If it were me, I would let him and her both know that I am more than willing to provide for the child that is his, however, there is no way I can for the others at this time, not until he is well enough to help. My brother is going thru the same situation, and yes the ex is using a child that is not his to manuever her way back into his life. I don't understand it at all. He can barely provide for his fiance and her two kids, but his ex is constantly calling and telling him what HER son needs. And if he refuses she cuts him off and won't let him see the boy. And as far as he and the child are concerned he is daddy. Even tho she gets child support from the real father. Craziness. I wish you all the best and it is a touchy situation.
It sounds like you're a good influence on these kids. Don't give that up without a good fight.
Run for the hills C.! Run for the hills. This is going to be your life for the rest of your life. If you're ok with that then I think you have to get over the issues, or realize they're not going to go away and deal with that. I think, if I were you, I'd find another boyfriend.
I agree... if he has taken on responsibility / been a father figure for these children (who are his family through his kids, and through his actions)... then you are wrong for trying to change him and split apart his family, instead of seeing this as "the whole picture" to take or to leave as you see fit.
The best parents I have ever know have had the "we divorce parents, we don't divorce children" attitude. AKA, a blended family is a FAMILY... and should the parents divorce... the love & care for the children who were/are in that family remain.
If he cares for the twins and they are involved in his life, there is nothing you should do to get in the way of it. The children are the innocents. They cannot help the circumstances to which they were born. They are also the siblings of your boyfriend's children. They are going to be around. Is it right for the ex to call all the time? The answer to that is "no". Unless it has to do with the children, she has a seperate life now. But your boyfriend is the one who needs to draw the boundaries. You are not his wife yet and maybe she feels she can still somehow get him back. If I were you, I would have a serious heart to heart with him and tell him you can accept the children, but he needs to tell the ex wife to back off.
I think you're dead wrong. Sorry, but you knew he cared for these kids before you were in the picture. Have you thought about how those children feel? He's a good man and you're asking him not to be.
So complicated, and so very trying! I don't know about the whole situation, but these 5 year little kids REALLY need some adult to pull it together and care about THEM! They are innocent victims, and desperately need loving connection in order to feel good about themselves and become the kind of teenagers that are pleasant and wonderful, instead of delinquents! I know you are doing your best, and won't forget THEM in this situation!
Boy, I can see your frustration. While I agree that the twins are innocent and are part of the family. I also think that the ex is taking advantage of your boyfriends kindness. It's one thing to be kind to these kids and show them love. It is a completely different animal if the ex is expecting your boyfriend to monetarily take care of these kids. It isn't his responsibility to fulfill the needs of her other children. They will always be family and they deserve as much love as any child. However, he should not be guilted into providing for these children, and neither should you.
Obviously we don't know the whole story. It sounds very messy. You need to decide what you are and are not willing to put up with. When you know your limits, then you and your boyfriend can see where you stand on the situation. That way you know what you are dealing with, with no surprises.
You can't leave them out and treat them differently, it emotionally damages a child. In my opinion, that is where the responsibility ends. Anything beyond that is because your boyfriend wants to, not has to. Are you afraid that if she pushes hard enough that he might go? If that is the case, then it really isn't about the children.
Good luck, I will keep you in my prayers.
S.
Yikes...sticky situation here. You are right, your boyfriend has to get his health in order to keep his life in order so put that first. And I agree, in no way would I want to deal with a set of twins on top of everything else. BUT, the twins are the siblings to his 2 children and that is a big tie there. ALSO, these kids are the ones that really get the short end of the stick. That stinks that there bio father will not be a part of their lives and it is nice that you boyfriend can be a father figure to them, but this is something that you and him have to agree upon and make it work. Do you have children as well?
PLEASE stop muddying these waters! This is (how do you say ) NUNYA. That's "None of your business."
If the children are in his life and he wants them there, then that's that and you need to make your decisions on whether you can deal with all of it separately. If he doesn't want to deal with the twins and is placing it on you, then you need to cut loose. It's not their fault.
If it's just about the ex, then, well, everyone needs to grow up a bit. Don't drag the kids into ex issues, even if the ex is, don't stoop to her level. If he acknowledges the twins as his own and is happy to do so and you don't want to, then I think you need to move on.
That really should be a matter between both of them as adults. Is it proof or perception that she is using the twins as bait. I would let your boyfriend's son handle his business. Just advise your son what you think is best to do.
Why are you with this guy? Sorry, it's hard for me to figure out the family tree, but has your boyfriend fathered any children with you? If not, then you might want to rethink your relationship with him. Sounds like you are the caretaker for your boyfriend, his children, and the siblings of his children. If you ever end up marrying him, you will marry his children. You will always have to share your boyfriend with his kids, the other baby mammas, and all of their other kids. If you're in it for the long haul, then unfortunately, you will have to find a way to embrace all of it.
You shouldn't have to take care of your husband's daughter's twin siblings, but it would be nice if you showed them some kindness. I can't help but feel bad for them. They must feel so unwanted by everyone.
I don't mean to be harsh, but I'd advise you to get out of this relationship. Its not going to get better, but worse. He's not able to set boundaries with this woman and she'll be in and out of your life until she's died. This guy isn't being respectful of you by pulling you into this mess he's made. Even if he's been the ideal husband/boyfriend/dad and his ex is pure evil, he still is at fault for not setting boundaries. He does not need to take care of her twins, nor should you need to be involved AT ALL. He's allowing himself to be abused, which means you have to pick up the slack, which means sacrificing yourself for children you didn't create, and for a man who isn't fully committed to you. Find yourself a man who is able to commit to a relationship with you and isn't completely sick and drained from the previous ones that he's had. You current boyfriend has nothing left to offer you, he's spent.
It's his choice to deal with the twins or not. It's not your place to tell him which kids he can love and care for. That's just ridiculous.
Sounds like you have a jealousy problem with the ex. Unfortunately, you're going to have to get past it or your whole life is going to be hell. She's going to be around since he has kids with her so you have to be okay with the fact that he's going to talk with her. Do you not trust him with her? If you don't trust him that's a whole other issue that you should maybe see a councilor about.
I do think it's not your place to say if he can love and provide for these children. Obviously he thinks of them as his children, even if they aren't biologically his. He's adopted them into his heart as his and you're going to have to deal.
I don't really get the whole picture, but please be as nice as you can to all these kids. It's not their fault the adults put them in this position.
How nice of you to get them all Easter baskets.
