I have a 6 year old kid. While i was pregnant i was working and for whole pregnancy i ate 2 minutes noodles mostly, after delivery i could not breast feed him, gave him formula milk. He had so many infections every other month and his dr kept on giving him antibiotics and he took 4-5 times antibiotics each year. He had multiple xrays just because of my negligence because with every small problem i took him to doctors and ER and they kept on doing useless xrays. He loves to eat donuts and muffins which i let him eat for last 2 years.
Now i regret being a worst mother altogether, hes on anti allergic medicines nasonex , montileukast and zyrtec these days because of his chronic rhinitis.
I feel i let him have all the bad things in his life. I love him so much that i just keep on regretting being a worst mother and wont be able to forgive myself.
Thanku Elena b and doris day and all other ladies either with bit harsh comments or some encouraging ones i just wana say that i have 2 kids and this elder one is 6 years and younger one is 3 yrs but both r totally different, or may be the elder one is my first born and i did experiment while being alone with my husband in a different country away from my family and without friends to converse with i didnt know much how to deal with different things and yes i was ignorant of so many things , while being pregnant i was damn tired at work and at home n i didnt want to cook so fed my self on 2 min noodles , i had no breast milk so cudnt feed both kids, my elder one is fussy , picky eater and had recurrent infections and being a new mom i kept on running towards hospitals n he took almost 24-26 courses of antibiotics in 6 years.i have all of his prescriptions with me. He craved for muffins and donuts so i would let him eat 3 donuts every weekend for almost 1-2 yrs from tim hortons and i didnt know donuts r carcinogenic, i just recently saw an article n my depression again came out.earlier i had been thinking and reading about the xrays as he had 6 xrays from 2 yrs of age to 4.4 yrs and i regret about them, i feel i m bad mom for my elder child but not for my younger one who is a good eater eats fruits yogurt veges and loves to eat all healthy food and i wanst working at the time of second pregnancy, i ate home made food and fruits n veges. Second child had only 2 courses of antibiotics in 3 yrs and one chest xray coz of chest infection.
U people are right i need counselling but these phases come n go and whenever i see an article on radiations and processed food , breast feeding etc i blame myself for not being a good mom for my elder one and i think i shudnt hav been that ignorant as i used be.
My elder one is very intelligent and is doing really well in school. But when i see other kids and i think their moms must be far better than me and their kids must be safe from radiations and antibiotics but i let my son exposed to such thing i feel v bad. I m over thinker n chronic worrier.
But ladies who tried to make me feel better i m really thankful to u people. Lov to u
What I think doesn't matter.
If you don't like how you've been raising your kid then do something different.
You want to bad mouth yourself? - ok - but it sounds like you are fishing for a response.
Either 'yes, you are horrible' or 'no, you aren't so bad'.
Perhaps your best bet would be to talk to a counselor to figure out why you ask this sort of question.
Your self esteem seems to be suffering.
Time to stop asking "am I the worst mother ever?". Time to stop looking back at the antibiotics and xrays.
It sounds to me like you're looking back at your son's previous illnesses and making excuses. Yeah, he had xrays. Have a doughnut because your health is ruined. Have a double chocolate muffin for lunch because you can't come back from all those xrays. Yeah, I'm a bad mother because I ate cheap microwaved noodles and couldn't breastfeed you. Have a bag of Doritos for breakfast.
Obviously you care, since you're worried about his health. But you're looking backwards. Look forward. Ok, he's got allergies. You might not be able to change that. But you can make a dinner with him. Something simple. A salad which you both create. Some fresh vegetables and pasta. Spread peanut butter on apple slices, and top it with a FEW mini chocolate chips or a handful of raisins. Make homemade pancakes (not from a mix). If you don't know how to cook anything that's not from a microwave, buy a simple cookbook and start learning. Choose one meal a week from a cookbook to make with your son. Make him the sous chef. "How to Cook Everything, The Basics" by Mark Bittman is a good place to start. Emeril Lagasse has written great cookbooks for kids. "There's a Chef in My Soup" is great. There are tons of kids' cookbooks out there.
Explain to your son that you and he are going to make some good changes. Take a walk. Ride bikes. Play an active video game (the kind where you actually get up and jump and move, not just the kind where you use a controller). Watch the movie Ratatouille together. Create a positive home environment, and start with you. Involve your son. No regrets, just positive changes together, from now on.
I can't really add to what B wrote.
Really good advice I once got was - what would you say to your best friend if she asked you this? Then give yourself the same advice (you should talk to yourself as you would your best friend if you want to be kind to yourself, which is how we should all talk to ourselves).
If you need someone to point out the obvious (which I will do) although you really shouldn't need anyone to do this:
1 - some people only can eat noodles and crackers throughout much of their pregnancy, because of morning sickness and go on to be great mothers. Their babies are fine.
2 - some moms can't breast feed or choose not to. Does not make them any less better mothers whatsoever.
3 - some babies have infections. My child did. He had antibiotics throughout first two years of life. Did not make me a bad mother.
4 - some babies and toddlers have to have x-rays. Chronically unwell children do. Some kids don't have the option to have x-rays. It's necessary. They don't go on to have cancer. Their parents are not bad parents. Even if you took your child to hospital and had x-rays, the medical staff don't make the decision lightly to take them. They don't listen to parents and just take them. You're not that 'important' - they make the call - know what I mean? Trying to put it into perspective here.
I think you might need a session or two with a counselor. I agree, you need to boost your self esteem. You are beating yourself up for some reason. All of us moms self doubt at times, but you need to figure out why - don't compare yourself to other moms - there are no perfect moms. We're all just doing our best. No kids are perfect either.
Your child is likely fine and you are you doing your best. Your best will not be perfect, but kids don't need perfect moms. Stop worrying and be the best you you can be. If you need help getting your worries under control, reach out and get it :)
Take 5-10 minutes a day and wallow in the regrets, the negative self talk, the self pity, the mistakes of the past and all your bad feelings. Then let it go. For the next 23 hours and 50 minutes of each day, learn to be the best mom you can be. And be proud of the mom you are now because now is all we have.
B wrote good advice. Margie said she couldn't really add to it, but then she did add some brilliant statements. Anne, as always, wrote supportive and knowledgeable things. Michelle gave great advice to wallow in it for 10 minutes, and spend the rest of the time (23 hours, 50 minutes) being a better mother, the kind you aspire to be. We all did better when we knew better - meaning we all made mistakes and learned from them.
I'll add that a lot of what you worry about is from the first 2 years of your child's life. For some reason, at age 4, you decided to let him eat muffins and donuts for 2 years. So look at what you did and why. Are you trying to be his friend? Or his mother? Being a parent means making the hard decisions even when kids fuss and cry and have tantrums. You learn to manage them, to ignore them, to do the right thing whether a 4 or 6 year old understands that. Your child's health and nutrition going forward are all you can control - so his learning and focus in school, his stamina, his ability to fight infections, his dental health, and his behavior are all going to based on what you do tomorrow and the next day. Being consumed by guilt for what you think you did wrong when he was a baby will just paralyze you.
Please see a counselor about your guilt and your need for our validation, get in a moms' group to learn how other parents manage kids' eating and tantrums, take a parent/child cooking class to learn how to make nutritious meals that are fun and delicious, and get into the children's library to choose some fun books to read with your child that show kids and families having healthy and fun lives.
What Margie said. I'll add that your measures of what makes someone a good or bad parent seem to be off-base. You seem to be taking any nutrition- and health-related suggestion and assuming that they automatically CAUSE the conditions your son has (or might have, since the X-rays can't have had a visible health effect yet, if they will). They don't. Anyway, I suggest you reach out for support from a counselor or other psychological support person to help you to develop a new perspective on parenting and yourself.
I could only eat pancakes with my daughter. So does that make me a bad Mom? No, it makes me a lover of pancakes and that was the only thing I could eat. My daughter had her first ear infection when she was 6 weeks old. I had no clue she was sick. She didn't fuss and the doctor was such a dick to start with. But after talking to him he realized I wasn't some lunatic who was clueless. My daughter didn't run fever, show discomfort. Nothing. She had ear infections steadily until 14 months old. She was on antibiotics for 6 months every day. She had to have surgery to remove her adenoids and put tubes in.
My son was 4 weeks when he had his first ear infection. He ran a high fever and we rushed him to the ER. Same routine with him as with his sister. Only he ran fever and was miserable so we all knew he wasn't feeling well. He had several xrays due to RSV, allergies, chest infection. You name it.
He was tested for allergies before he was 2. They hate doing that but this kid was sick ALL THE TIME. He was allergic to everything possible. He started on medicine. Does that make me a bad mom? No. All my son would eat was chicken nuggets and French fries. I thought the kid was going to sprout feathers. Does that make me a bad mom? No.
Look, I think you are being a bit dramatic in this. If you aren't happy with how you have parented, then change. Not too difficult.
Just do your best and don't correlate those things to his problems...there is not necessarily any correlation. I never had antibiotics once growing up (we had no insurance when I was a kid and so we never went to the doctor) and I have horrible allergies. The worst! I did the back scratch test at the allergist and the doctor said I had the highest possible reaction to ever single tree and grass he tested for. Also, I was breastfed...so that didn't help either. When I had my kids I had almost no milk supply and so they both ended up taking formula...and they both were always very healthy and both are in the gifted program in school. You are not a bad mom. We all do the best we can. I hope your son can get his immune system fighting back and have less allergy issues.
well, you ain't a great one, for sure.
so what are you going to do about it?
flagellate yourself and wallow, or mom up and straighten up your act?
khairete
S.
