Am I the Only One Who Finds This Tacky?

I *so* want to give this woman the benefit of the doubt and think that she got blindsided herself and couldn't come up with $250 all of a sudden, and the true villain is the chef/friend. Because to do what she did, in any other case, is the height of tackiness. And every family there will ALWAYS think of her in this way from now on. Poor woman.

She really should have said "If you can all chip in for the cost of food, I'd be more than happy to move this party to my house!"

I'm one that would also give her the benefit of the doubt bc this was a last minute thing. Likely this chef helping was a misunderstanding. If it was a party she offered to host a while ago and had all this time to prepare and this is how it ended then yes, super tacky. But it seems like she was trying to be nice and host so everything wasn't cancelled and now it's all blown up in her face. I feel badly for her unless she is a tacky, pushy person and this was likely premeditated. You know her... Is she nice and typically classy and gracious? if so, then assume she was confused and panicked. I don't think $25 per family is very much either... So not like she asked for $100 which really would be a game changer. $25 isn't so bad... So I think tacky if this wasn't a last minute thing. Since it was and sounds like she was trying to be nice and keep the fun going, I'd assume it was a mix-up. The original plan was not for her to host a big party.

Well I would have said a few things.

First, I would have told my friend that I was NOT bringing the money over on mother's day but that I would certainly be over Monday with the money and questioned her then.

Second, I would ask why this information wasn't given out before the event so we could have prepared (gone to the bank)?

Third, yes this was very tacky and handled very wrong.

Don't throw or host a party at your home if you can't afford to take care of the guests....

Tacky and rude. people should have been told in advance so they could make the decision. The plans changed...location changed...while it's GREAT that a dozen families get along well enough to meet at a winery or even the home of one of the group...they should have been told IN ADVANCE of the money that was expected for the dinner...

First thought: Tacky and rude
After your SWH (and referring to Julie's comments for reference): I have a question of my own-- how did the "chef" come to be involved in this as a chef? I mean... he was a friend of everyone in attendance, but did he live in the neighborhood and was an invited guest? Was he ASKED to bring chicken/pasta dishes as the main course for everyone, or as an invited guest was that just his dish(es) for the pot luck? Because, honestly, it sounds like the chef neglected to mention any fee to the host and she got a surprise. She handled it badly, but hey, that happens. But it sounds to me like the real issue is the chef. If he wasn't up front about his costs to the host, and he was an invited guest, then they didn't communicate very clearly about what was happening AT ALL. She thought he was "volunteering" and he thought he was "catering"... big difference there.

Way tacky!!! I'm stunned!!! I host parties all the time, and yes, it becomes costly..but to charge because you provided the meat?!?!

We are living in a truly ridiculous world.

That's not only super tacky - that's bait and switch.
I understand the plans for the winery tour falling through.
But it's not forgivable for not telling people that there would need to be money paid up front at invitation time.
I'd be very careful about accepting invitations from her again or question her each time about whether she's needing a cover charge for any future events.

OMG Tacky tacky.

They should not have offered to host if they couldn't afford to. I wonder what they planned to charge you if you did manage to go on the trip to the winery!!!

Good grief... ANYTIME I host ANYTHING I pay 100% of the expenses. It is just the right thing to do.

If someone can't host and pay 100% of the expenses, then they have no business hosting an event.

You were all totally blindsided, yes! How unpleasant for everyone! But please try not to assume the worst of the hostess here. It's possible that SHE was blindsided as well and now is in the very awkward position of having to ask for money she never meant to request. Most posters here are really blasting this woman but I'd give her the benefit of the doubt unless I knew for sure she did this on purpose.

I wonder if she had assumed that the "restaurant manager/chef friend" was contributing the main dish as a "friend" and it turned out that he was instead wearing his "restaurant manager/chef" hat and considered this a catering job.

This could happen, where a person is an acquaintance but also a professional, and you ask the person to help you out with an area -- in this case, food -- that is the person's professional specialty. She might have invited him as a friend, maybe he offered "I can do a main dish" (or she suggested he could) but it was never clarified between them that he considered himself a paid caterer for the day.

I can picture this happening, and I would not want to just assume that she was intentionally screwing over the neighborhood friends or knew in advance about the cost but sneakily didn't tell anyone. Is it possible that she did intend a potluck and nothing more, and the chef hit her with a bill at the end of the event to her surprise? If it was $25 per family and there were 11 families there, that was $275 he seems to have demanded right there at the event -- which might be too much for her to cough up unexpectedly on the spot. It's possible that she is as angry and upset at having to ask for this as you are at being asked. I can't know, and only you know if she was cheery and delighted to tell everyone "Pay up now!" or if she seemed embarrassed at having to ask. What was the situation like as she circulated asking for cash suddenly?

If she's a friend to you and this is the first weird occurrence like this: I would just ask her, once the dust settles and yes, once you've paid: "Hey, Sally, what happened with Chef that day? It seemed like something wasn't clear that day between you and the chef--?" But just let her vent or explain -- don't argue the point. I would wager that by now she's had so much blowback from the guests that she doesn't need to hear again how tacky this all was; she knows, and she might just be furious and ashamed about it. Just something worth considering. .

This was beyond tacky, it was down right rude. If there is a mandatory cost for an event that cost must always be announced before the event, or they should not expect payment at all. There would have been nothing wrong with asking for donations for the chef after the fact, but they had zero right to demand payment at a potluck after it was too late for people to back out of the party. I would have been tempted to simply not pay to be honest, just out of principle. I certainly would avoid her parties in the future.

Yes, she should have let you know in advance. Tacky.

Delightfully tacky yet unrefined--like Hooters. Lol
Like OFF the chart tacky. And rude. And presumptuous. And....well let's just say I agree with you.

I mean, I'm guessing you all would have paid your way at the winery had the weather been nice, but her invite could have been "Hey, let's all pay for a chef AND bring a side dish to our house instead!"
I'm guessing you would have heard crickets.

That is something that should be told before hand. Yes it is tacky.

Yes, tacky. Even if she was blind-sided by the chef, she was out of line to approach you all the way she did. She should have framed it as an unexpected cost and apologized for the inconvenience.

As a guest, I would not have wondered who was paying for everything. I would have assumed that the host was taking care of the main dish while the guests were responsible for bringing the sides. That is a reasonable assumption. When someone invites me to a big dinner being hosted at his/her house, I do not ask how much I should pay toward dinner, especially if I am expected to bring a dish.

When I am expected to pay for dinner, I need to have options. This was out of order. If she wants to recover her good standing, she needs to hurry up and send out her apologies and some sort of explanation.

Nope, not the only one that thinks it's tacky. If you host a party and don't specify BEFORE the event that the costs will be shared by the guests, than it is assumed that the costs are covered by the host and the guests are contributing by bringing the sides, etc that are requested. Guests need to know what the costs will be before going so they can opt out if they don't want/can't afford to pay what's being asked. Texting and messaging for the money the next day is even worse.

Bad form!

The snarky side of me (which is the side I'm typing on tonight) says you should invite her over for a barbeque this summer, then give her a bill at the end of the afternoon!

Since everyone contributed to the meal potluck style, not only is it in bad taste to request payment after the fact... it's just not okay! You contributed a dish, you get a portion of all dishes made... including the main course... that's the way potlucks work! If she assigned too much main course to one person that SUCKS but it isn't your fault.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

If I am going to be expected to pony up cash for an event that I am invited to, I want to know in advance. The cost and proximity of the event to payday will be a factor in my deciding whether or not to attend.

Super tacky. She should have mentioned the $25 before the event to give people the option of attending or not. While it's not a lot of money it's still $25 that you might have earmarked for something else.

You should have been told ahead of time. I don't care what the other plans were, if this was the new plan, I would still expect to be told of any cost involved. If you didn't show up would you still be charged? Same thought process there...she should have told everyone.

Yes, tacky. Very. It's like my inviting you over to my house for dinner and afterwards saying, "I'm glad you enjoyed the meal - here's your part of the bill." Would you come back? No, I didn't think so.

If the asking for money was the fault of the chef-friend - "Oh, while I'm cooking the chicken, did I remember to tell you that this sort of dinner will cost you $600?" - the hostess should have paid for it herself, even though it might have come as a shock to her. Word gets around about such things, and then it might have been appropriate for you to say, "Oh, Marie, that's just terrible; let us pay you back for part of that expense."

Wow, sounds like the host and hostess made out quite nicely with $25 per couple and people bring food. I probably wouldn't do this, and I would just pay it to keep the peace, but wouldn't you like to see a receipt?!

Well, who did you think was paying for supplies? I think the first thing I would have expected was that people would have offered money.

VERY tacky! I would have been so embarrassed to ask my guests to pay! It should have been stated when the info about the change of plans was provided.

i agree; this is something that should have been discussed from the get-go

First this was the chef's fault, and then it was your friend's fault. And, to answer your question, YES, VERY TACKY!

I understand the need for the chef to be financially compensated, however, there was zero communication. From the beginning, the chef should have told your friend that he needs to be paid at the party, and your friend should have asked (not told, but asked) everyone if $25 would be okay. Once she asked everyone that question, everyone probably would have told her "no, $25 is not okay," and the chef portion of the party would not have happened. But since the chef didn't tell your friend about the money up front (or maybe he did and your friend forgot to ask?), then it became your friend's responsibility to ask the chef about financial compensation. This was handled horribly from the beginning. Shame on the chef and your friend!

Super tacky of the friend and the chef. If the chef is a professional, he should have made the cost clear up front. If he did that and the hostess chose to spring it on people, not cool. Assuming families of 4, that breaks down to about $6.25 per person. At that price, he is making a nice profit on the pasta and chicken dish, unless there is crab meat in there or something else that is really pricey. As a chef, he has access to wholesale pricing on food and can make a chicken and pasta dish for 50 people at around $3 a head, assuming basic ingredients. Sure he deserves to be paid for his work if he is acting as a professional, but if he did not give a price up front he is not acting as a professional. The whole thing seems weird to me, there is more to the story from either the hostess, the chef, or both.

Yes, it would have been nice to know ahead of time, but seriously--$25 for your whole family? That is nothing and you would've paid way more for a meal at a winery or nearby. Be wary of future invitations from her, but otherwise, let it go.

I think it's tacky and would have been very upset at the entire thing as well.

BeulahDWhite's post is far less tacky than what you are describing.

Awful. Just awful. What is wrong with these people?

I wonder if the hostess thought this was being done by the chef for free then he demanded payment, maybe not so much for his time but for the food which I'm sure was costly? She may have panicked when he suddenly hit her with a large "bill" (thinking she was going to end up footing a large expense she hadn't expected). That said, someone, somewhere did not plan ahead and the manner in which this was handled was very tacky!

Ok, so why not call this woman up and point blank ask her.? I find it "tacky" for adults to go behind and around gossiping about this situation-ask her. It could have been a misunderstanding or misrepresentation, but none of you have bothered to speak with her directly. No two minds ever think exactly alike. Give her the benefit of explaining. Tell her what you told us here. Should she have told everyone about the fee? Sure. Perhaps she told some and wasn't able to reach everyone? Would it been more appropriate to ask for money up front as soon as you got to the party? Regardless of the fact that her chef friend prepared the main dish makes no difference. I am sure it was quite costly to feed 11 families.

tacky, but in the back of my mind I would have thought "who is paying for all this cause it will be expensive", then I would have asked.

ETA:
the reason I would have asked about cost is because this was not the original place to have this venue. the *host* "graciously" opened her home up because of the weather. otherwise all 11 families would have spent well more than $25 for their entire family. Personally, I would have AUTOMATICALLY asked and offered what is our portion for the new venue. If she was going to be the host from the get go then the financial burden should have been on her.

Oh wow, that one should go down in the books!

So the chef/neighbor/friend is getting $275? Wow! Yes, tacky for no advance notice. AND you still had to bring food as it was a "potluck". Not cool. If it were me, when I paid my $25, I would mention that you all were surprised by this and next time it would be a good idea to make this known PRIOR to people committing to going. Now people are gossiping and resentful and rightfully so. Next time this person plans a party, now the first thing you know you need to ask is, "how much money is this going to cost us?". Good luck.

Wow.

They may have damaged their social reputation in the neighborhood. People will be reluctant to accept further invitations from them, and the discomfort over this scenario might mean they don't receive many invitations either.

After reading your SWH, I wonder if the chef-neighbor didn't tell her "I need $25 for each family." until the day of the event, adding another awkward layer to the story. That would have put her in a hard spot and make the following actions explainable.

Hi, M.:

The woman needs to be held accountable for her bad planning and lack of common decency.
Those who were embarrassed need to write her an e-mail or whatever mode of communication is available by using these questions:

1. What did you think when you realized what had happened?
2. What impact has this incident had on you and others?
3. What has been the hardest thing for you?
4. What do you think needs to happen to make things right?

In this way, she can make amends for her thoughtlessness and repair the harm.
Good luck.
D.

Yes it's tacky. I have to say though, I'm so glad to be invited to a party nowadays that I'd pay the $25 gladly. I'm the party giver in my circle and it is tiring.

yes, not letting people know in advance that there would be a sizable fee is tacky.
blick.
khairete
S.

TACKY, TACKY, TACKY..so everyone was expected to bring food but was still charged 25 bucks?! write her a check, MINUS the value of the food and drinks you brought with you..if the total RETAIL value of the food you brought with you was say twenty bucks, then you only owe her 5 bucks!if she was going to charge you for the meal then she should have told you ahead of time. ben and i make a point not to go to cook outs where our child isnt welcome. K. h.