Am I Overreacting???? Is This Normal???

You're not overreacting. I don't have boys, but this is much more than a boys will be boys moment. Something is wrong, behavior doesn't change that drastically in such a short period of time.

It sounds like something may be happening or he may be exposed to something when he's with his mother. However, it could also be something at school.

I would recommend putting him back in therapy. Or maybe talking with the school councelor.

When I was close to that age I had some big trauma in my life. Being young, I did not know how to deal with all the emotions and I felt empty. I kept lighters and razors hidden in my room because I began cutting and burning my self for release. You need to check you son for any signs of this. Being a cutter is not something you can deal with on your own, and if this is the case he will need to get some help, even if it is only mild cutting/burning. A good book on the subject is "A Bright Red Scream" by Marilee Strong. This may not be what is going on with your son, but when I read about the anger, and the changes, and the items you found, alarms went off in my head. This disorder is not well known, and I suffered silently for years. If this is the case, make sure what ever therapist you find is well educated on cutting and teen issues, not all are well versed on this.

My kids are under 2 but I think this is serious. He definitely needs to be talked to, maybe you should offer to talk to him if your husband doesn't want to. Your hubby may know there's a problem but doesn't know what to say to his son or how to deal with it. At the very least he should be grounded for having lighters and razors, they are both very dangerous for children to have. Try to find out where he got them. Ask him why he wrote that list. Tell him you're worried about him and why he wants to light things on fire. Fire is very dangerous and could hurt a lot of people if it got out of control. You can bet if the school found this list he would probably be suspended, sent to the school psychiatrist, letters written home to parents, etc. Also, I think you should try therapy again with someone different, maybe he just didn't click with that particular therapist. Maybe if he had a woman, try a man this time, or vice versa.

Over reacting? No. Is this normal? No. Get him back to therapy asap. What ever is bothering him is festering inside him. I see no reason for an 11 yr old to have lighters or razor blades. Making sure nobody likes his 9 yr old step brother? Something is just not right.

Sounds to me like something definitely is wrong in his life. Either with mom or at your guys' house or at school? I think you are right to be concerned. Also right that dad needs to take this very seriously.

The one thing that struck me, that no one else has pointed out yet-- I am hesitant to write this in fear of hurting your feelings BUT here it goes--is that you said your DH's attitude is that you are "picking on him because he is not one of my biological kids" Why does dad feel this way? Are you treating him differently than your other kids, especially since he is the only "step" kid left in your house? Could your stepson feel as if you are "picking on him"? If dad feels this way maybe their is some tiny truth to it?

Hope you take a good hard look at EVERYTHING going on in his life, not just at his mom's like some of the others have said...I say this because he is not talking about burning things at his mom's house, all his anger seems to be directed at your house and your kid(s)??

I agree that the list shows intent and planning...which is never good in a situation like this. A family pow-wow/sit down is probably in order.....or even just a special moment between you and stepson, where you can express you love and fears about his unhappiness in your house.

Good Luck. Being the step parent is very hard. Don't give up and keep on top of things and an extra eye on him....especially after reading some of the other posts about "cutting" or self mutilation.

I am not saying any of this to "bash" you, I am just giving you another point of view, feel free to disregard it all!

Definitely take this child back to the therapist. Have the therapist document everythign as well. You may need to prevent bio mom from visitation. This behavior is absolutely not normal and an indication of significant behavioral and emotional difficulties. Get help now. Good luck and you can email me if you'd like more specific targeted interventions for this behavior

I would give the information to his therapist ASAP, to his Pediatrician and to any court assigned employee ASAP TODAY!. They see this stiff and you are being responsible to protect that boy. HE is a CHILD and needs someone to protect him . there was supervised visits for a reason the Mother was not considered safe or is hazardous etc.. Well it sounds like she is not safe and is putting unsafe, unhealthy and dangerous notions into that poor boy. Your husband may have a confrontational issue with her so he won't take a stand. If you give it to medical and legal authorities you are protecting the boy. Who knows what the woman is doing in her house. It sounds very drug related.Let the professionals take care of it that is their job. Call immediately!!!! Good Luck.

Something is seriously wrong.

Love & counseling.

R

No, you are not overreacting. Gather all those things up...check out the room completely. You, your husband and the child's mother need to sit down with this child and confront the situation. Sounds like further counselling may be in order. To reinterate, you are NOT overreacting, this is serious stuff.

Blessings.....

In this day and age, I don't think you can be too careful. We've seen too many warning signs go without action and then terrible things happen (Columbine, Virginia Tech).

If he were my child (biological or step-child), I'd want to get to the bottom of it and intervene now before it becomes more troublesome.

The fact that therapy didn't really help him open-up is the most concerning part of your message (to me). It sounds like they're in a loving home currently, but who knows what the events of the past have done to make an impression on him.

I wish you the best. I hope your husband has a thorough talk with him. If your name is on the consent papers with the therapist for HIPPA, you should be able to call and have a conversation with them and address the issues that way, too.

If I found this note and it was my son I would be extremely upset. Just reading your post about what you found gives me chills. I do think it cause for concern for him as well as his other siblilings.
Your husband says that he is just being a boy? I do know that boys are different ( I have two of my own 5 and 3 years old). And sometimes they do stuff and say stuff that concerns me. They are only allowed to watch cetain programs on televion (animation or otherwise) because I have noticed how quickly they gravatate to anything violent or loud.
hopefully your husband will talk to him soon about the note and try to get some idea about whats going on in his head.

I have an 11 yo and he has a bunch of 11yo friends. This does not seem like 11 yo behavior to me. Something serious is going on with this boy. It almost sounds like RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). I'm familiar with it only because my son is adopted and when you adopt orphans/foster kids you watch for certain behaviors. I would get him to a pediatrician and get a referral for a child psychiatrist who specializes in RAD for a diagnosis (not a counselor... actually a bit surprised your couselor didn't recognize some of the signals, but I am not trained either.) There are wonderful therapies that work wonders so don't fret if that is the diagnosis. If this were my son he would be at the psychiatrist's today! You are not over reacting at all! Remember Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris? Anti-social behavior is indicative of some disorder.
I wish you and your family the very best and will be praying for a good out turn. Thank you for loving your step-children so much.
S.

Ummm... I don't think its normal but thats my opinion! What is his mom like? What type of attitude does she carry? Does she smoke? Where did he get the lighters? I don't know his biological mom so its hard to say if he is getting it from there or not. Tell your husband to look at the whole picture. Maybe its normal and he is fine... maybe not... All you can do is keep trying to see if there is something wrong with him... good luck sorry Im not much help!

Oh, no, you are not overreacting! The lying and stuff could be chalked up to being a kid, but not the list. I admit, I loved to play with fire when I was middle school, but I would mess with candles, not burn real things. And the list is what is weird about it. To put stuff on a list is showing much more deliberation and thinking it out. And to write down that he wants to make sure no one likes his brother- what does that even mean? How is he going to accomplish that? By lying about him or getting him in trouble for things? I think you need to get back to a therapist, asap. Lighting things on fire is a big red flag for psychological issues. Good luck!

This is so not normal. I have an 11 year old and have met his friends and none of them have razor blades hidden in their rooms. My son does have a lighter but no notes on burning things in the home. I wouldn't dare try to diagnose your son but I do think that he needs some help. I hope your husband realizes that just "talking" to him is not going to change anything. Did the therapist just try to talk to him or did he have him draw pictures and play games with him? The therapist that our foster daughter went to built trust by playing games and drawing pictures and asking vague questions. As the trust grew, we found out why she was acting the way she was and why she was taken from her parents. I'm sorry to say it took about a year before things started changing. It may take some time for your son to build a relationship with someone that he is willing to discuss his feelings. I would suggest getting him a journal or notebook where he can record his feelings. Sometimes, just writing them out can help.