Am I Not in Love Any More?!

I am no marriage counselor, but have myself been married for twelve years and have three wonderful children.My husband and I have gone through some difficult times, however the grass isn't always greener. Have you talked to him about this? Communication is key adn maybe if he knew how you felt, he would be willing to change or at least try. You are not alone as I have felt this way many times before. Good luck!

I've thought that before too. Especially with a little one around. You're not alone. But things change. Having a little one sometimes sucks the wind out of your marriage. You spend all your time on the child and not your spouse. Try and remember the reasons you fell in love w/ him. Get a sitter and have date night once in awhile so you remember him as your partner- and vice versa. Maybe spruce yourself up a bit before he gets home so you don't look like a "housewife".That'll make you feel good too!
Sometimes the spouse that's working full time doesn't understand what it is the one at home does all day. And honestly, if my husband were to stay home, he probably would do alot more than me. That's his nature to stay busy. Also think about it from his point of view- (I don't know what yours does but mine has a very physical job outside in the heat.) He works his butt off sweating all day everyday, then hands his whole check over at the end of the week. He never asks for anything back. I might get a little picky about things too if I were the one handing over everything I'd worked for all week. Try and refocus some of your attention on him instead of all on your child. And give it a little time. You may eventually feel he's even more attractive with age. And that doesn't have anything to do with physical appearance.We all change as we get older. (and have kids) You've said he's good in alot of other ways. That means something. I just feel that people give up on marriage too easy alot of times. You have to continually work at it. I don't always like my friends either, but that doesn't mean I quit being thier friend. We get past it and move on. Another thing you might want to try is to get a hobby or take a class. Something that'll get you out around other people with different opinions about things. You may start seeing your old self again and realizing that what you have isn't so bad after all. He can straighten up the house to his liking while your gone for that hour or 2!
If it's physical appearance that's bothering you more than his smart comments- Look up a pure romance consultant and host a party! LOL They are WAY more fun than candle parties or pampered chef. And it will definately liven things up between you and your hubby! I know a great hostess if you need a name. Hang in there!

Start making a list of things you are thankful for in your husband and review them daily in prayer. You have already mentioned several wonderful points in your email. Continue thinking along those lines. Love is not just a feeling, it is a decision. There is so much more I could share with you, but start with this. Ask the Lord to change you and to help you to be the best wife and mother you can be. Concentrate on that and on thanking God for all the wonderful characteristics your husband does possess. It will change your thinking and get you on a more positive outlook.Affirm to yourself that you really do love your husband and the feelings you are looking for will come back.

I have been married for 32 years. It is not always easy, but as I said before, Love is a decision. It is worth whatever effort it takes.

May God bless you with His help as you build a relationship that can last for eternity.

J.

I'd say that you should write down all of your thoughts. Just for yourself, then maybe keep it in a journal or tear it up. You said he has a ton of good qualities, so TRY to focus on them. Think of some kind of service you can do for him. If your focus is on how you can serve him and make him happy, then you'll benefit. That's way easier said than done though. It's also hard when they don't notice. Do something he'll notice, and do things regularly for him. Plan it out.

I have written an email to my husband before. It's all about how I feel though, not blaming him directly. It says how I get sad when he does something b/c I can't help but feel belittled or something. I write how I know that he isn't intending on hurting my feelings, but he is.
I'm really not good at having face to face conversations w/ him once something makes me really sad. I get emotional and my words don't make sense. I hurt his feelings or maybe he just doesn't get it. Emails help me think clearly. I do always say that I want him to reply, b/c sometimes he'll just read it and think I wrote it b/c it was that time of the month and I'm just moody. Little things are bit things to us. The comment on how we react differently is true. Explain that to him. I let little things build up and don't worry about them until it's a problem, so we HAVE to talk about it or it'll eat me up and I'll resent stupid little things too.

I agree with the other moms who say that you need to take a class or go out with friends. For me, it's working on my blog and playing soccer weekly. Before, it was presidency meetings and seminars. It depends on where you are in your life. Personally, I really need "me" time. Yours may be simply cleaning the house all by yourself when your husband and daughter are gone. I do think it needs to be pre-scheduled and he needs to understand how much you will appreciate it if he supports you.

A maraige counselor is the best idea, but one of you may not want to go. My husband thinks we're smart enough that we don't need that -(whatever).

And praying is always a good idea, of course.

I had the same problem. The 2-4 years of my marriage was very difficult. I was always made at him for this or that, and he was a workaholic and never home. I figured he didn't do anything around the house to help me or the kids, just play with them, and I wasn't sure that we were going to make it. But we had made the agreement when we got married that there was not "out" to the marriage, so I decided to find a way. I started doing bible studies at church, and one of the ones that stand out the most is by Stormie O'Martin, "The power of a praying wife". I found that I needed to start with myself, and pray for him, and let God do the rest. It worked so beautifully! We are going on 13 years now! Another book I read and we discussed together is "The 5 Love Languages". This helped me to understand what things make him feel most loved, and vice versa. It takes work, but what I didn't realize when I got married was marriage is work, but so worth the effort and not only for the kids but for me. 3 years ago we made a big move from Michigan to Florida because of the lack of work in Michigan. So he was in Florida working for 4 months before I was able to join him. He flew home every 3 or 4 weeks, but WOW, I thought I did a lot, but when he wasn't there, I realized again how much he did. When you feel like you don't need them, and try to live without them, you realize how hard it really is, and working at your marriage is actually less work!! My kids are now 8 and 11, and they adore their father as do I!!!

We all have ups and downs. Have you tried telling him about how it makes you feel when he comes home and says things? Tell him when things are calm. Say something has been bothering you and if you don't address it, it may possibly interfere with the way you feel about him. I told my husband this once. He was floored when I said that if it kept up it would affect my feelings toward him. It worked for him. Things will continue to spiral downward if you do not speak honestly to him. We saw a counselor a few times and it worked wonders for us. Just be honest- not blaming- but honest. I wish you the best of luck, sweetie.

My husband and I were not getting along. I think it started after our third child was born. Every fight I threatened divorce. It wasn't healthy. A family member suggested that we see a marriage counselor. My husband was set against it, but I made him go.

Let me tell you that it's the best thing that ever happened to us. We were both skeptical of counselors, but the one we found is so nice. She saw that I was an overwhelmed housewife with little social interaction and I was venting my frustration on my husband. He was always doing things for everyone except himself, and he was growing more and more miserable.

If you want the counselor's name, please let me know.

All marriages have ups and downs. Things will get better. I was very frustrated with my husband critizing me and it hurt. So one day, I calmly sat down and talked to him. I told him there are different things that upset me than him. For example, someone cutting him off in traffic makes him see red. For me, it's not that big a deal. But other things are a big deal for me, like if he critizes me on how the house looks. That makes me see red. Once I tapped into what makes him angry and showed him we react differently to the same situation, he better understood my feelings. Most men I know are aggressive drivers, so they should understand this example. Good luck and hang in there. You don't know what you've got until it's gone.

WOW!!! S. I have been there before. Its a hard feeling. The truth was I was not feeling so great about myself so the little things he did were not so little anymore. Staying at home is more emotionally difficult than in the field. I started to pick apart every little thing in my head and it made me become turned OFF to everything and very sensitive. Well my point is its not you but your lack of. Lack of independence, lack of challenge (usually from a career because we all know raising kids has challenges), and most of all Lack of SELF!! Please watch a Movie called "the secret" great for personal development. I know you love your daughter and I'm sure you love being home with her but what do you do for you? Do you have anything that's JUST FOR YOU? If not find something a permanent weekly ladies night, or lunch or even start up your own community charity walk. Neighborhood crime watch just something anything to be what you want,and to do what u want to make you feel more than a Wife or MOM. As rewarding as these positions can be a women we crave a little more. Now men do become quite repulsive but try to remember and revive the reason you married him. AND girl open your mouth tell him the truth sweetie sometimes the truth hurts but If you don't tell him he hurts your feelings now he will never know. If he throws your lack of in your face you make a positive out of his negative. It surprisingly works. Great luck hun. I hope I helped. Z.

I'm not in love with my husband either, never was but couldn't afford to be single and the guy I wanted didn't want me..I gave up on love at that point and settled for security and at least a family...Sad but true.....We have nothing in common, I don't find him attractive and he's not a real smart guy but he treats me like gold and I have a son with him and another child on the way. I see it like well, if I leave him, I'll be homeless, will have to work three jobs just to get by and it will be twice as hard to support my kids at this young age. Plus trying to meet another one with the hope of reciprocal love is just way to exhausting to think about if ya ask me and most likely will never happen......Plus I'm no longer a spring chicken myself. If I ever did leave it would be years from now and someone else in the picture!!! Just tell him to clean up his comments and take it from there. If you can afford to leave him and have no worries then go for it!! Maybe not the advice you're looking for but.......