Am I Expecting Too Much Out of My Husband?

And exactly why did you CHOOSE to conceive another child with this man?
SMH.

sorry for all you've been through, hon. i can't imagine trying to cope with CANCER and small kids, all on your own. i can understand why you'd be hoping for a more partner-y sort of marriage after all that.
but it sounds as if you've got a different sort of husband. i can't trash the guy. he sounds like a worker, and with all the posts here about lazy slobs who don't work and still expect to be treated like princes, i have to commend your man for putting his shoulder to the wheel.
i think farming is more of an obsession than a career choice. every farmer i know (and i live in a rural agricultural area) works these sorts of hours. i've been floored by listening to their tales of how much they love but how very, very little time they spend with their kids. except, of course, when the kids are working with them.
i think farming is either a family-focused effort or what you're experiencing, the farmer alienated from his loved ones.
i understand your need to have him finally commit to the family. i also understand his desire to farm, and how exhausted he is, and how impossible to take his one free day and spend it doing anything but vegging.
i think you're just on very, very different pages. i wish you'd thought this through before deciding to have another child with a man who is clearly very married to work, but since it was in that little sweet spot between cancer-coping and good employment, i can understand it.
i'm just not sure you two will ever be on the same page. it doesn't sound as if you ever really have been. have you tried counseling?
ETA for those who don't think farming happens at night, you haven't taken into account cows and goats giving birth with complications, livestock illnesses, emergency fence breaks, equipment needing repairs that have to be done before daylight comes and that field has to be hayed before the next day's thunderstorms, water emergencies, trees down on fences or sheds, machinery maintenance for which there's no time during the sowing, ploughing or weeding hours, poorly stacked hay which falls over and has to be re-stacked, animals going walkabout on the nearby roads, predators..................
khairete
S. (whose own tiny non-producing hobby farm is pretty much endless work)

Wow.
I don't even know what to say.
My jaw hit the ground when I read the part where you purposely conceived a third child!
I guess when you boil this all down there are basically 3 options.
1. Leave him
2. Stay knowing the life that you will be living and on some level--accept that.
3. Try marriage counseling. Alone or together.

Who farms til 1:00 am?

There are professions that keep couples apart for the most part.
Anyone who has been deployed can be gone 6 months to a year or longer at a time.
Truckers are gone a lot.
Farmers often work long hours (is he doing crops or animals? Both?) 365 days a year.
You want a companion and marriage is never a guarantee that you won't spend a lot of the time on your own.
He does sound like the family is not a priority with him.
I can't imagine why you wanted another child with him.
Sure you'll love the child but it's all going to be more work for you and it's another mouth to feed on reduced income.

Get some marriage counseling and figure out if you're better off with him or without him.
Being a single parent won't be too much different from what you've got now and it sounds like he won't be bothered to try for custody.

I have to wonder if this is real because I can't imagine why you would choose to have another child. You had my sympathies bc of the cancer up until the third child and I don't get it or this isn't real. If it is real, get counseling is all I can offer. My thought process with how many children to have was very different than yours. You've chosen to feel like a victim. I'd want to find out why.

I think you are expecting too much, because he has never shown you anything more since you were first married. So now you want him to change AND made a decision to have another child when you spent years with no support from him living in a stressful situation. Should he be doing a lot more? Of course! Sounds like his priorities are majorly messed up, and sounds very fishy with him being gone so much. He doesn't sound like a great husband. But now you are wanting him to be the person that he NEVER was.

Sorry for all you have been through! I can relate on lots of levels, but I did not have to battle cancer, so you are a very strong person. I did have an absentee ex though and did handle all house and kid things for our three tiny kids while fighting some tough financial and legal battles alone, and now I'm a single mom of three. It's a LOT OF WORK to raise three kid alone. But not impossible.

Lots of men put work first. Sounds like your husband always has. Sounds like you want a different type of man. My ex traveled nonstop when I met him and I never expected him to stop and he never would have. I like having lots of control and time to myself. Our plans (had he not cheated) were to have independent lives together and travel as a family (often separately), so our personalities were in line on lifestyle. My job when I had a career was extremely demanding and pretty much round the clock running my own crazy business in NYC, so doing everything for kids and house was not harder. Luckily we're all healthy. Also, my ex paid the bills (still does) so I felt it was a fair exchange for me not working.

But I know lots of women who expect their husbands to work full time, pay all the bills AND be equal partners at home. And there are men who are up to that task and in alignment with that lifestyle. So that sounds like what you want. But you can't turn your husband into something he's not.

You don't like that he works works works and you never see him. You don't like that on his one day off from long hours of farming, he doesn't do chores in your home. But to be honest, I would not want to do chores on Sunday after a week of farming either. And kids, god bless 'em are exhausting-and even annoying when you're completely exhausted. It takes a very special man to work 6 days per week and take his day off handling kids (aside from relaxing fun stuff with them) and chores. Though I certainly understand how you feel.

It will not work for him to have a farm away from home like this for the long haul. Farm life can be awesome for families. But it sounds like you have ZERO interest in the farm. I know it's a new interest of his (though you said it has been his dream) but his work schedule is not worse than when he traveled, and it can pay very well once he gets it going if he works hard soooo...sounds like you guys are not on the same page. He has about as much interest in doing what you want him to as you do in supporting his farm dream. Neither of you cares for the other's desires at this point.

I would move to the farm and start helping, or think of separation or divorce so you can find a man who is home more. You're not working together for the future with this man.

No, you're not expecting too much. You are in a sham marriage with a neglectful and selfish husband who has no interest in the emotional or financial welfare of the children or you.

I don't know where he is after dark and until 1 AM but he's not farming. And I don't know what he was doing in January and February and March in NJ, but it wasn't farming either.

Please see a counselor for your stress, depression and anxiety. If you get sick again, your kids are on their own. Check all your bills and be sure they are being paid. Is your medical insurance at risk?? You have a baby coming soon and what if your coverage lapses???

Please see a lawyer. You need to take steps to protect yourself financially. Find out what services are available so that your kids have day care and nutritional assistance programs like WIC. You're going to need this.

You've been through a lot and you are obviously very strong. You're going to have to be. Stop laying down the law to this many, because he does not care and he does not respond. Don't let him touch you - you don't have a marriage now, I'm so sorry to say. Worse, he may even be seeing another woman in the late hours - which means you are at risk.

If he doesn't get help, you probably never will have a marriage. But you can't wait for him to get his act together because you have another mouth to feed coming along soon.

Sorry to hear about your illness but glad you have recovered from it.

Your story is a long one - in that you've been unhappy sounds like from close to the beginning. In fact, other than your husband's salary, you didn't mention one positive thing really about him.

Why were you drawn to him in the first place? Can you not see any of those traits now? Or is your resentment so big that it's hard?

But I agree with the moms who said he's always been like this so why are you expecting him to change? It's who he seems to be. If he wanted to be home with you and helping out, he would be (more at least).

I imagine your resentment is pushing him further away. There may be a reason he's hanging out on the farm so much. Just a thought.

I guess you need to decide if you want to stay in this arrangement, leave it (divorce) or get some counselling. I would start with counselling. If he doesn't want to go - there's your answer.

I don't get the third baby thing either. A baby will not make this better. It will just add more stress, so be prepared for that.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do :)

No. You're not expecting too much. No. He's not going to change. Not sure why you decided to have another child.

I did not grow up on a farm but I married a farmer. It is an all day every day thing. It would be nice to have a husband who was home like many of my friends but the reality is he isn't. We've been married for 14 years now so I am getting used to it. The kids and I do spend as much time as we can with him. I'll bring them to ride in the tractor or combine or trucks. My oldest is now old enough to help so he's with him a lot. My youngest would live in a tractor if we'd let him. My point is, the kids will likely love it and while it may not be how you thought you life would turn out, it takes a dedicated person to be a farmer. If you are a 9 - 5 farmer, you won't be in business long. There will be extremely good years and bad years. Just take the good with the bad.

I don't want to make you feel worse, but good Gawd that sucks!!! I am so sorry! Hell no you're not expecting too much from a normal, loving, committed husband, but from your husband (I'm sure he's good in his own ways, I don't wanna hurt your feelings), yes expecting too much. He's always gotten away with minimal yknow and he just keeps pushing...I am sorry! :(
Idk...I'm divorced after a year, a single (see lonely and miserable at times) parent so I wouldn't take love advice from me, but damn...I just don't see the benefit in this arrangement for you and kids. Have you considered leaving him? I mean idk how, etc, but you're not crazy for feeling depressed and anxious about this. He's completely selfish. Period. What can you do with that? Nothing that I know of except for not be with him anymore. I guess I just wanted to show you some support and give hugs. :). Good luck. Do what you need to do to make it honey, whether that's leaving and being free of expectations of him or staying and just letting him off the hook. Either way, you can't make him care or do right, yknow. It'll work out somehow mama. :-)

I'm sorry that your expectations of marriage haven't been in line with what you are experiencing.

I have a cousin who married a farmer who has a family farm. Being a farmer does take long hours, 7 days a week, especially in the spring when you need to get the crops into the ground, etc. And it doesn't really slow down until late fall. Have you considered spending your Saturdays on the farm with him, instead of expecting him to spend his Sundays with you away from the farm? My cousin loves farm life - but she lives it with him, it's not something separate that he does. Their kids love to run around in the fields, ride on the tractor and play with the cats that live on the farm, etc.

That said, it is hard to live on the income of a farmer, and it takes a lot of discipline, because there is income once crops come in, but very little income in the winter and spring, so you have to be disciplined about saving the summer income for the lean months until the next crops comes in. My cousin's husband works a second job during the late fall and winter months to bring in money, because farm work is slower at those times. You are in the toughest time of year for a farmer right now - try to hang in there until summer when there should be some income, and in fall when your husband should have more free time.

I am so sorry for everything you have been through, I can't even imagine the stress that put on you. Of course you are anxious and depressed!

It sounds like this is really just the way he is. Not excusing it at all, but I would hate to see you think "I'll be happy if he helped out at home, spent less time farming, made us feel like a priority, etc." You are setting yourself up for failure.

You may need to decide what are your deal breakers and have a tough conversation with him. If help around the house is your biggest need, tell him that you can try to understand his need to work so much, but this is something you really need. If you need him to commit to family time one day per week, but can live without household help, say that. I guess I'm saying you may need to start small to have your needs met. It sounds like he won't respond well to a list of what he needs to do differently that is basically the opposite of what he is doing. That's tough for men to deal with. Start small, work from there, and show appreciation for what he is doing.

If it doesn't get better, you need to look out for you. You can't be miserable the rest of your life being married to someone who can't or won't meet any of your needs. Unacceptable.

I am married to someone who puts coaching softball before me. Seriously, I rank lower than 15 year olds who play softball and their families. Like you, I danced around how to make this better, but it will not get better. I am struggling with lowering my expectations and trying to remember that he isn't an awful person and is a good dad. But it is hard, I am not a priority at all and it hurts. I am trying to work it out so that my resentment stops growing. So on that level- I feel ya!

Good luck.

Have you asked him why farming is priority one? Could he be trying to make things work so you have more money when the baby comes?

I hate to say it, but most men are overgrown children, mine does next to nothing around the house. I'd suspect he's exhausted with working so hard.

Is he trying to avoid you or is he dedicated to the future? There are always sacrifices.

I think you two need counseling to figure out why he's putting work ahead of family especially when you are going through so much. Is he naturally avoidant?

Unemployment is so hard. So, so hard.

My husband is going on 8 months now of unemployment and we are actually very okay emotionally. My parents are helping us financially now, so that will be okay too, but it's hard and there are bad days. The last time he was unemployed it was for less than 5 months and it almost cost us our marriage, but we learned to communicate. You have to talk to him, listen to him, and both walk away fully and completely understanding what the other person said.

Aside from that - I am so sorry for all you have been through. I can't imagine all of it and doing it with him on the road. That's a lot for someone who is 100% healthy, let alone dealing with a major medical condition. I honestly think you guys should try counseling. He doesn't seem to fulfill your needs and that's a problem. I don't think what you are asking is out of the norm either, most people live that life of two people running a home and family when they are married.

Make the choice to be happy - and then work towards that. If he isn't part of that plan, be okay with that. If he is, then fight like hell for it.

I'm sorry for everything you have been through - you are an amazing strong woman!

You had very specific expectations of what you wanted out of a marriage. Did you discuss this with your husband? It sounds like you are on different pages with what you want - not good or bad, just different. Unfortunately, he is an adult and if he wants to spend 24/7 away from his family working on the farm he can. You absolutely should discuss with him what you want and see if you two can come to a compromise. Do you have the option of moving to the farm so you could see him for lunches, breaks and such?

If he isn't willing to compromise his time, the decisions are on you. If/when you know he won't change either you choose to accept that or you will become even more resentful than you are now. It's a cycle that feeds. You have to decide what you want and unfortunately accept that he may not want the same thing you do.

FWIW, I do think that he should spend more time and help out with your family.