Am I Crazy?

Wow, I would respond by renting a storage unit and moving all of his things while his is gone, or putting them in the attic. Let him ponder on what you did with them for a while! Just like kids, they won't get it until it effects them personally. Maybe this will get the point across more than words. Good luck.

Hi C.,

Yeah, I'd be fumin' mad, too. You're definitely not crazy. He really had no right to do that at all. I agree with Terri about packing up a bunch of his collectibles & telling him you pitched them - just so he really "gets it". lol I wish you lots of luck with this!!!

L.

It is a bit of the opposite over at my house...
Neither Hubby nor I colect things but hubby is a person who doesnot like to be cluttered... I am a "homey" person aka... knicknacks, lap blankets draped on the chairs, books on the table to read etc. Not really messy... Just as he says disorganized.
The whole throwing things away is something we have been battling for a while (ok, since marriage 9 yrs ago) Hubby has thrown away a box of 250 envelopes...... ??????? Why, heck if I know. They were in A CLOSET IN A BOX LABLED and all... But as soon as I left the state for a week he "cleaned"... That time also included a bible that MY parents had given to me at 16. It had a rose from my great grandmas casket pressed in it. Why did he throw it away? Well... He had one of that same edition... So we didn't NEED 2... Oh, and it included all the larger than 5x7 pictures that my family had given me over the years (Including ONE OF A KIND photos) They were in a folder and he chucked the folder... Our garbage men LOVED us because that was also the day he threw out THE chair that was the most comfy for nursing my babys... I stil miss that chair even though it would flip over if not leaning against a wall. I think it was the next year he threw out our tv set... we havn't gotten another one... We watch tv on our computer which is bigger than our tv set that we never had cable for... lol
For a while I was nervous to go visit my family in PA wondering what would be gone that time... But with MY hubby... I let him know that if he respects me HE WILL NOT TOUCH MY STUFF! I make suer before I go that everything is organized and cleaned up... But that doesn't stop him from finding a kids hair tie and not seeing a need for it throwing it out. Or one piece of a set of something...

A few months ago he chucked ONE in a set of 3 livingroom tables.... Needless to say it was THE one that was NOT scratched AT ALL... :-)
So hubby will be buying me replacements in the fall.

Hubbys mom is the same way.

I totally understand how you feel. After Hubby threw away my bible I could not speak to him for about a week without crying. And now 7 yrs later I still "remind " him about my bible and that box of envelopes that was the perfect size to send pics to my family (his family all lives in state).

Are HIS collectable stuff organized? In labled totes or at least in display cases? If not.... NO DO NOT THROW IT AWAY! Tit for tat does not work in a relationship... HELP HIM ORGANIZE IT.

My hubby never understands my reactions when I walk in and ask .... where is?........ We do have an emotional attatchment to some of our stuff and when WE are not the ones to chuck it it is like loosing a family member in a sudden horrible accident. It takes you a while to accept and mourn for it.

If hubby throws away stuff that I use and need... I tell him... Your replacing it... and getting me a nicer one than I had before...

The big difference between our situations is hubby is not a collecter and really keeps very little stuff... He literaly has a few books that are not study books and his clothes... Thats about it. His "memory" book is his Senior yearbook with some papers (newspaper clippings. diplomas. etc) in it... All the other books are my kids and mine. lol

Good luck, breathe and you must not hold this over his head... Yes, tell him that if he does it again some of his stuff will miraculously disappear... But don't throw his stuff just for spite...

Give hubby a hug and talk to him about how he would feel if someone broke into your home and took his stuff. No warning, etc. Its an invasion and even though HE did not break in, You had no warning and NEED warning about stuff like that. He should have asked hey hon, can I get rid of this stuff? BEFORE contributing to the landfill... :-) Or maybe just talk to him and tell him you'll hug him later... After you are done healing from the wound that he has created in you.... (ok, thats dramatic... I know)

C.,

You are not crazy, if my husband threw anything of mine away I would be livid, and my house is a mess too! Thats no excuse.

I do have a suggestion to get the point across of the way you feel. How many of your things did he throw away? Selectivey go through his "collections" and pack them up and hide them. Then tell him that you pitched them. Watch his reaction. THEN tell him that you only packed them away BUT how did that make you feel to know someone else threw out things that were meaningful to you? WEll thats how you made me feel!

Maybe thats petty, but all I can say is you should nip this in the bud now or get used to your stuff disappearing at his whim.

My husband does the same thing and it drives me crazy. It is always easier to go through other people's stuff because you have no attachment to their things. I have no good suggestion. I tell my husband to beware for I will do the same to his things. It only leads to a scream fight, however. Someone once said to tell him that you will get rid of something if he does. Have not tried that suggestion as yet. Let me know if you do anything that is successful.

C.,

I'm so sorry your husband threw out some of your things. You have every right to be angry, but don't hold onto that anger. Later when both of you are calm and relaxed you should talk about how to handle each other's things when cleaning up clutter.

When I am going through our storage room I put my husband's things in a box and ask him to go through that box sometime during the week. He does the same for my things and things he's not sure get used or are special to me. Maybe this is a system the two of you could use / adapt as well. The two of you should talk about a plan of action. Maybe even look into the FlyLady system for cleaning and getting rid of clutter. The site is free and has a lot of great suggestions to adapt routines to your family's lifestyle.
www.flylady.net

I think your husband was really trying to do something nice for you, but didn't realize he was getting rid of your things. Try to focus on his intent and not the result because if you stay angry he won't want to help you with the rest of the house. He'll start to feel unappreciated and wonder what the point of helping out is if he just gets yelled at later for not doing the tasks "right", which means the way you would do them.

Everyone makes mistakes, try to look at your husband's great qualities - the ones that made you fall in love with him - and remind yourself that no-one is perfect.

Good luck!

-C..

Hello C.,

I dont think your crazy, But I do think your husband was disrespectful for throwing your things out. The only fair thing to do is you go through your things and he needs to go through his things or just do it together and come to a agreement. My husband and I do our stuff together.But if it comes to stuff before your marriage like I have in my attic I would probably go through that myself because my husband always says if you havent used it in 2 years go donate it someone else might like to use it.

No, you're not crazy. But you also may not be objective enough. It might be worthwhile to invest an hour or two with a professional organizer. This is a person who can be objective about your (and his) stuff. She/he can also recommend storage options that would unclutter and make the house less of a mess. I recommend Theresa Brune of http://www.simplifyitllc.com/, ###-###-####. At least it's worth a phone call to see what she can do. Good luck!

hey C.,

you are not crazy! sometimes i feel like we wives/moms should have that message posted where we can see it at all times.

while his initiative should be commended, he should have consulted you before going through your things. often when things start to collect, valuable or not, we tend to gravitate to the things that are unrelated to us. this type of cleaning/organizing project should be done jointly or at least with an initial discussion before starting. my husband and i have the luxury of separate storage areas for our stuff. when stuff gets overwhelming he handles his side and i handle mine. perhaps a joint reorganization project would be in order for greater understanding and harmony.

i know that collections can be annoying, especially if we don't share the same enthusiasm. my DH has a collection of local rock band flyers from the 80's that he loves. but i don't have to deal with it b/c it is on his side. :-)

i hope all works out. :-)

S.

C.,
Carolynn here. This all sounds familiar. What happened is totally unacceptable. Value, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. What you see as junk, might be something precious to him.
But he should not be throwing your stuff out because he doesn't see it as valuable. He should at least have the courtesy to ask.
Separate your stuff.
I had 2 vintage collectible dolls trashed last year because hubby didn't THINK to even question it, despite the fact that I'm a collector and was about to publish a book on the very doll. He actually OPENED the boxes, saw the dolls, and STILL didn't think to question or ask. Needless to say death wouldn't have been good enough!
So before anything more happens, separate your stuff, clearly mark it, and put it somewhere safe. And he should do the same.

Hi C. -- No, you are not crazy! Just frustrated with your hubby.
He meant to do good for the two of you; however he started with 'your' things without your assistance instead of tackling 'his' things first.
When you live with or work with a collector, they do not always see that their 'things' are what is controlling them or their family members. Working together on this can get complicated.
You have made the important first step....you have started on this project.
If you would have additional questions or would like further assistance - feel free to contact me at ____@____.com I am a professional organizer and I am willing to assist - if you like.
Best of luck to you and your husband.
~K. T~
ps....Finally Organized, LLC is listed with Mamasource - Mom Owned Businesses.....look us up :-)

I'd be tempted to shoot him!

Hi C.

I can relate to your problem from many years ago. My husband thought my things (crafts) wasn't necessary. I have been divorced for quite a few years, so haven't had to deal with it since. However, if possible make a room for his collectibles, either on shelfs where some can be displayed or labeled in boxes that stack neatly.

Hope this helps.

P.

Some people call it "collecting", when it could really be "hoarding". I think it's a very fine line! Take his 'collectibles' and list them on ebay or Craigs list. Use the money to pay bills, buy something to refirnish the house, or for yourself. He needs a taste of his own medicine!

I've already told my hubby, who is also a pack rat when it comes to sports collector items, that the day after he dies I'm selling it ALL!!!! So keep collecting it and keep building my widow's mourning (i.e. vacation) fund. Have I mentioned that I'm evil!

C., yeah i would be upset, but you can also come back with i understand why you threw some of my stuff out i have felt that way about your stuff, but i knew it was not right for me to throw yours away , so i did not , i felt by you throwing my stuff away it hurt me, cause you did nto consider my feelings, and it may be a good idea to build shelves and spaces for stuff laying aruond, and maybe go through things together, lets pick a day when we can clean some of this up, together so no one gets their feelings hurt, hope things work out and i know its just stuff but its hard to get rid of memories, but we al have to do it, and what of the feelings of someone who lost everything in a fire, you did not loose everything, so life is not too bad, hang in there, and have a good day D. s

I don't think you sound crazy at all. Men are just clueless sometimes...mine at the top of the list. He is a good husband, good father but sometimes just doesn't "get it". Just tell him that you will go through you OWN stuff, if he takes care of his stuff. Sort of "tit or tat". It really sounds like you guys need to get rid of a lot of stuff...we are non clutter people so I can't relate to that, but as far as men knowing what they are doing, or hurting our feelings they really are clueless and you have every right to be upset!Unfortunately, the only way he will get it is if you tell him how you feel...the hints, the sly comments and non speaking tactics don't work because they truly just don't "get it"
Good luck!

First, at least you are admitting you might have overacted, that is better than me, I would never admit that to my hubby. LOL. He know's I'm stuborn like that though :) Any ways, this is what we do in our house. When I think it's time to go through my hubby's stuff, I let him know a head of time when we are going to do it. Then when the day comes, I tell him to go through his stuff while I go through mine. That way I"m not hanging over him and telling him to get rid of stuff. I will usually give him a box to down size into too. I think that helps him get the big picture. We have a small house with two kids, so the space is limited. I try to do this at least twice a year. Any more adn I don't think he would get rid of anything :)

As far as him already getting rid of your stuff, just explain to him that you think it's not fair, or hurtful that he did that. I would try to drop it and just replace everything that he got rid of :)

That is awful! I would be livid. Was he mad about something? Was it some sort of "get you" because you were complaining about clutter? It doesn't make it right, but I think you need to find out why he did such a disrespectful thing. I think that respect in a marriage is one of the most important things. Can/have you talked to him? Does he understand and did he apologize and promise not to throw away your things without checking with you first? If he did, then you don't have to hide his stuff and lie about throwing it out, you just need to find your center and give it time so you can start to forgive him. If not and he is not being understanding and apologetic, then you need to figure out if he really just doesn't get it, or if there is something else going on.

If he really just doesn't get it, then you just need to get him to agree to never do that again. And have him replace what he threw out, and try to forgive him so that you can move on with your marriage. I am sure that you want your marriage more than you want your things.

If he gets it and just doesn't care, then you have a huge problem that you need to get out in the open. You need to sit down with him (when you are not as emotional about it) and talk in non accusing ways, so that you can get him to open up and get to the bottom of it. Tell him how you felt (without the emotion behind the words, you don't want him to feel attacked or he won't open up) and see how he responds. Then deal with the reason that he did this.

Good luck.

That's bull. I'd be pissed. I suggest you explain how you feel and both of you find some respective places to keep your "stuff." It will only be up to you and he alone to decide what goes. OR, at best, make a joint decision. How would he have liked if you started tossing his stuff?