K, so I ask questions like this all of the time. My counselor told me years ago to ask other people what they think about certain things that happen in my relationship with my husband, because he has some mental health issues. He's obsessive compulsive, but not OCD. In simple terms, he's a control freak.
So we got a cat for Christmas. He's been an indoor cat, but we'd like to move his litterbox to the garage. A friend gave us her old small pet door for free. I called the manufacturer to determine the model number and downloaded the template and installation instructions. When I got married, I owned more tools and power tools than my husband did. I aced woodshop and my dad was always building things (bookshelves, dining room table, etc.) I have to do more than half of the home repairs around here because my husband is never around, it seems.
But he wants to "participate" in the installation of this pet door. He asked me which tools I was going to use, and told me that it was the wrong saw for the job (but the installation instructions agree with me). He said we'd do it Saturday, but now it's Monday and it's still not done. So he says we'll do it some evening this week, but he's booked until Friday. So I just said, "Let me do it, then." He got upset and told me to do whatever I dang well want to do (which of course means that if I do, he'll be mad).
We can't use our downstairs half-bath because it smells like the litterbox. We have the fan going 24/7 in there, and even so, if someone leaves the door open a little bit, it stinks up the kitchen. I have 3 little boys who forget and close the door, meaning the cat can't get to his litterbox and food. I'm sitting here, fully capable of fixing these problems, except that my husband doesn't seem to trust me to do a good enough job (although when I asked him, he said, "I don't know how to answer that question" and said he had to get back to work).
Am I being unreasonable for wanting to say "screw you" and install the cat door right now?
Ilda, (first response) that's EXACTLY why he wants to "be involved." He watches my every move to make sure I"m doing it right, tells me what I'm doing wrong, and then usually takes over for me. He doesn't really care about actually DOING the project, he just doesn't trust anyone else to do it as well as HE would (his personality disorder is right next to Narcissistic Personality Disorder on the "crazy" scale)
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I think I've decided to get everything ready to install the door and then show him that tonight when he gets home. I'll mark where the hole goes, find all the drill bits, tools, etc. Then he can't complain that I put it too high or too low (he would do that) or it's not centered or it's crooked. He's really great at finding any flaws. Like when I painted the kids' bathroom, he immediately said, "you got some paint on the ceiling." He never said anything nice about it, just that I got some on the ceiling.
Thanks for the reminders to respect him. He give me NO respect, so it's hard to want to respect him back. But I need to, even if it's just to be the "bigger" person and feel good about my actions. I think my plan is a good compromise, since I won't do any of the cutting without his approval. And if he has a hard time with THAT, (which he might) then I will roll my eyes and get on with my life, not caring what he says about it. Because it's ridiculous.
(P.S. I don't think it's about being "manly." But it could be. This Christmas, it snowed a lot in the beginning of December. DH said, "no Christmas lights this year!" He's a humbug. I LOVE Christmas, so I put the lights up by myself, just like every year for the last 8 years. Someone in our neighborhood saw me on the roof, putting up Christmas lights. His wife had just been bugging him to get their lights up, saying that "you don't see anyone else's wives up on the roof, now do you?" Then he saw me doing just that. They told me, and we all had a good laugh. Except DH, who was listening in. When we got home that night, he told me that I was not to go up on the roof again, because I'm a girl, and that he would finish putting up the lights. Yeah right. Sometimes I wonder why he married an independent girl like me!)
Nope. Not unreasonable. Install the cat door. Yes, he might get angry and then you might ignore him...
Install the cat door. Don't gloat. Ignore his tantrum about it. Tell him you would have waited but you cant' deal with the smell. Don't make it a big deal. I waited 4 years for my handy man to prep a room for painting, and then he patched all the walls incorrectly. And it's still not painted. Just has lumpy patches where the holes used to be.
Nope. I hate that kind of passive aggression. He DID say "to do whatever (you) dang well want to do", right? ;)
Install the cat door. Respecting and honoring your husband doesn't mean that you have to bow to his every wish, put up with controlling behavior and be constantly petting his ego.
I wouldn't be able to put up with the smell that you are describing one more minute.
I'd say, decide on a "final day and time" and you both agree that if he doesn't do it, then you'll go ahead and get it done, without anymore discussions about it. Most importantly we don't give advice to each other about "how" to get it done, meaning if he'll do it, he can get it done however he chooses, BUT if you're the one doing it, then it's your way! A two way rule that we think is fair for everyone involved!
No, you are not being unreasonable at all. My hubby is very handy, HOWEVER, if there's something or other that needs immediate action, I do it. He has the option of being cranky if he wishes....but that's not my problem...as much as I love him. DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE! Especially if it's bothering you when left to wait. Good luck, God bless!
No. Just do it yourself - sounds like you're the man for the job!
Your husband will get over it.
Just do it - he'll pout and he'll get over it.
I'm glad that my husband's concept of himself as a man isn't wrapped up in being able to do physical things better than me. I'm better with woodworking tools than he is, better with simple automotive maintenance than he is.
When we put in our pet door, he was going to cut the hole in the door with a circular saw. I told him that a jigsaw would be much easier.
I change the oil in my car because it's cheaper than Jiffy Lube. He doesn't know where the oil filter on his car is.
I installed our washer and dryer. My daughter's boyfriend and I cut out cabinet space for the dishwasher and installed it.
I hooked up all our home entertainment equipment.
I changed the innards in the toilet tanks when they began leaking.
Even the water filter baffles him - he's all thumbs, and it leaks every time he changes it.
He does most of the cleaning - loads and runs the dishwasher and puts dishes away, washes, hangs out, brings in, and folds all the laundry, dusts, scrubs bathrooms. The main cleaning I do is sweeping and mopping the floors, and scooping out the cat box. And he doesn't feel any less a man for it.
He wants to participate.
Men.
But yes, they are not good at time management.
But he is booked until Friday.
So do it then.
AND if the house is smelling... well, to bad for him.
Let HIM clean out the litterbox, until then.
Tell him that.
And then, MAKE SURE that he AND you.... make the pet door, this FRIDAY.
Tell him that, ahead of time.
Men...are notorious, for 'forgetting' their household chores.
Post up a BIG paper sign.... "MAKE PET DOOR THIS FRIDAY", and then remind him too.
If not, HE gets to clean the litterbox, until it gets done.
I think you should do it. He's going to throw his fit, let him. You agreed to wait until last weekend, but it didn't get done. So, you know you can do it, then do it. You'll be waiting and waiting while your whole house smells like a cat...
I don't see it as him not trusting you to do a good job but rather him wanting to take care of it. He wants to be the man around the house and take care of this project. Him putting it off this weekend is probably due to his own insecurity in his ability to do it correctly.....not you.
Can you change the litter each morning/night? Find a way to put up with it for another few days and let him get the confidence to put in the pet door. Help boost his self esteem a little and you may be surprised how he helps you :)
I'd go ahead and do it myself, thats just me. Who cares if he's mad ;) , just kidding.
But really I would do it myself instead of waiting around for his 'approval'.
My husband does stuff like this too. Go ahead and do it.
If he's a jerk, say "You said to do what I wanted" (clamly) and ignore him. If he continues, say "You're being really rude" (calmly) and ignore him.
The calm and ignoring parts are easier said than done - I KNOW - but if you can do it, it works! GOOD LUCK!
He is acting a bit like a typical "chick". ( I know that sounds weird coming from a girl) but I can admit that I have done and said things like this in the past to my husband. Its like when they (men) ask you "Whats wrong?" and many women will say "Nothing" (in an angry voice) Well anyone whos everyone knows that you are pissed but you dont say anything so the male in this situation will go whatever then you say nothing is wrong so I will go with nothing is wrong (LOL) I say if you are confident and capable (and Im sure you are) just do it and if and or when he gets pissed at you for doing it remind him that now its done and he doesnt have to do it and really what is there to be mad about? Point out the obvious and if he still wants to be mad then call him a chick and let it go.
Congrats to you for being a Mrs Fix it - I can barely change a light bulb LOL
If you really don't need his help and you know it's probably his obsessive behavior talking, then I'd install it and tell him that you saw a need, fixed it, let's move on. He might not be happy because HE didn't do it, but you can do it and it needs to be done. I think HE is being unreasonable in making you wait for his "help".
I would install it.
My ex husband had control issues, on top of OCD, PTSD, and more.
If it were me, I would install it and let him be pissed off for awhile. Mainly because when I want to do something and have all the resources I hate waiting, and people with control issues do everything on their time (whether its right that second, or months after first discussing something).
On a side note atleast your husband didn't do what my ex did....saw an uneven hole in our bedroom door so the cats could get out in the middle of the night to use their litterbox. He obviously wanted the cat door done the second it was brought up, not wanting my input, but he didn't even have a door or instructions! lol. It was so ugly.
Atleast I can laugh about it now. =)
I thought Saturday WAS the day it was going to be done, so as far as I am concerned , you now can do it any time you want..
I have waited for months, heck years for my husband to do certain promised things and finally I learned to make a scheduled day for completion or to even start the process and once that day passes, it is up for grabs..
Sometimes (alot of times!) if you want something done, you may as well just do it yourself. Saves alot of aggravation and waiting around. But that's just me...chronically impatient! Honestly, if it were me, I would have done it already and let the chips fall where they may.
I don't know if I'd say "Screw you" outloud but I'd go ahead and do it and then not say anything. That doesn't mean to say it is the best way to handle it. This is more about respecting him I think. I agree that you should show respect to him but he should also respect you and your abilities.
Since it sounds from your "What Happened" like your husband has a control issue, I suggest you say, okay, I'll let you do it this time, but you have to agree to a time to sit down with me and discuss your need to control things. If I'm perfectly capable of doing things well, and you don't have the time to do it, it makes no sense for you to do it.
You need to discuss his need to control everything, and come to an agreement about it, because this is not going to be the last time something like this comes up.
The only thing I can think is that maybe he feels badly that you do all that stuff, and wants to help out, to take the burden off of you. But it's unintentionally actually creating a larger burden for you. Can you offer him an alternative project? As in, "Honey, I'm going to install the cat door because it really needs to get done now, and I have the time to do it. But this weekend can you help me with this other project?"
I would have Said that and had the door done already :-) But thats just me...
I think you should honor your husand and not say another word about it. I know: H.A.R.D.! But, show him that you think his opinion and thoughts about how things go in your house are important to you. This is not about the cat door. This is bigger than that. Respect your husband. Show him by your actions that you really, really do care about what his opinions and ideas are. I think you will find that he will show his love to you more once he sees your respect. It may take time, but it will come. Even if it takes 2 more months to get this done, that is a very small timeframe in the grand scheme of things if you win your husband in the meantime. Blessings to you!
Looks like your husband found an independent and competent woman so he could brow beat, belittle and tear down. Seriously. It's a mental disorder - much which you already know your husband has.
If counseling or separating is not an option - just stop his demeaning behavior by getting things done yourself instead of waiting on him so he can nag and complain about your DIY prowess.
I got in so much hot water with my husband on our 1st camping trip together. I've been camping since before I could walk and was married to an Eagle Scout for 10 years. He's a city boy and it was his 1st camping trip ever. I jumped out of the car and started setting up camp. I didn't want him putting up my tent because he has a tendency to force things and not make sure they actually fit together. I didnt want him to break my tent. Of course I didn't tell him that. I asked him to take the kids to gather fire wood. I put up the tent and I started the fire. He was so mad at me. We had a miserable time. He told me it didn't matter if we sat in the dark all night. He was the man and I was supposed to let him do it. I choked in disbelief. What is this 1950? If I know how to do something he doesn't, I am not going to sit on my hands because he's a man.
Well, fast forward a few years and I see the wisdom in it now. Men need respect. They need to be the handy guy and they need to be needed. I was taking his masculinity away. It wasn't about him being a control freak or even chauvenistic. It was about me not allowing him to be the man, head of household, provider. It's a basic instinct and a good one!
how can I asnwer my own question?
Because I am who I am if my hubby didn't do something when I asked, which happens every so often. I go to the garage, get his tools, call him and turn on his tools and say Hi honey!!! I have MANTOOLS!!!
He will always talk real nice to me and get whatever it is done that night .
I have also broken two Dremels and one power drill. Because I will use them.
I do not put up with belittling and him telling me no. So yeah, I would install the cat door myself.
Install the door before the ammonia level reaches 90! A man that's a control freak? Weird. Hello-it's their job.
This is a tough one. Is there a reason that he wants to help other than he doesn't trust you to do it right? If that's the only reason and you're sure you could do it, then I would go for it and when it is done perfectly, he won't have much he can complain about. The only hesitation that I have is that he may feel like that is part of "his job" as the man in your household (antiquated thinking, but might hurt the ego nonetheless). If you go ahead and do it, he might feel like he doesn't have a "role" so to speak.
I don't know much about his mental health issues, but if you feel like this may aggravate his symptoms, then it probably isn't worth the fight. Cook him a nice dinner one night and then have everything ready to get started right after. Pencil it in if you have to, but you've had the cat for 2 months...another few days won't hurt if it means not rocking the boat. Good luck!
My first res it in anponse would be just do it yourself but God forgives you made a mistake and have to hear over and over l told you so and use for any future task, ugh.
Better wait and make him clean the cat box.
