Am I Being to Selfish?

A.,

I understand where you are coming from. I was there about a year ago. I finally wrote down a list of chores for my husband and myself. I wrote down EVERYTHING I did in a day: Make his lunch, make his coffee, get my daughter up and dressed, feed the dogs and cat, empty the dishwasher... etc. There were only a few things on his side like cleaning up the backyard and bringing in the trash cans. He finally got where I was coming from when he could see it in black and white. Also, I had to be very calm about it and tell him I was just asking for help because I needed it. The change has been wonderful.

GL!

I've been there before and it's not a good way to live. I found myself resentful and getting out of control with my stress. I had to come to terms with the source of my anger, stress and resentfulness...and that was ME. I'd stress over all the things that needed to be done at work and at home knowing that there weren't enought hours in the day to get it all done. As far as husbands...I think they just don't have a clue what to do or what needs to be done so you have to ask them for help...but knowing that you'll have to keep asking for the rest of your life. Nagging and yelling just turns their ears off. You have to make them think it's their idea to help and then praise them for what they to....just like your kids (ha!). God blesses us with children to be a joy in our lives and to give us purpose. I had to learn to let go of the things that weren't so important (like having a clean house, keeping up with paperwork, laundry etc) and learn to love my life for what it is. I'd make myself go outside with the kids and enjoy the outdoors instead of thinking that I could be folding laundry right now. And when I did fold laundry, I found joy in it because I began to realize that if I didn't have a husband and wonderful children that I wouldn't have all this laundry to do. See.....it's all in the way we train our minds to think and cope with our lives. I also think that kids like to be involved so try to get your kids to help you clean, do laundry, make dinner (even if they aren't really helping, it gives you time to relax and not worry what they are doing in the other room and you are teaching your kids too)...you can even try to get your husband to come in the kitchen with you all. I also found that yelling is just a vicious cycle...the more you yell the more you think you have to yell to get your point across. Yelling doesn't make people hear you any more....it actually makes people listen to you less. Just try to begin to find the positives in life...the worst jobs even have a bright spot if you look hard enough. I've just given you ideas on how I changed my way of thinking and began to let go of anger, resenting my husband and stressing out about the kids. Enjoy life again and your husband and kids will follow!

I wish I had some earth-shattering advice for you, but I don't. What I do want to tell you is that you are not alone. I have a wonderful husband, and since I worked full-time for the first three years of our oldest's life, he has at least some understanding of all I do now that I'm at home. BUT, it is still easy for him to forget that just because I'm home doesn't mean I'm not working and that I need a break sometimes.

I agree with the other posters that have said sit down with him when things are calm and let him know how you feel, an honest, non-confrontational conversation. I also like the idea of writing down all you do in a day and how much time each task takes.

Also, be VERY specific with what help you need. I tell my dh what is going on and then give him a choice of what he's going to do, "I planned xyz for dinner but homework needs to get done and I need to finish the laundry. Can you either help with homework, make dinner, or fold that load of laundry?" That gives him control over what he's going to help with and also gives him an idea of all that I am in the middle of and gives him something specific to do. Don't expect him to be a mind reader, 'cause men are miserable in that area. Another major point is that if he is going to do it let him do it HIS way and don't direct or criticize (speaking from personal experience, not saying that you do).

It sounds like money is an issue but a Mother's Day Out program would be great if you could find one. If not, make plans (even if it is to go window shopping, for a walk in the park, or even grocery shopping without the kids) and then leave the kids with your husband. I agree that you should give him a little time to wind down when he gets home but then get out of there and have some time for yourself. You need to make your own opportunities because they aren't going to happen by themselves.

One last thing, try out flylady.net - it might help you feel less overwhelmed.

It sounds like you are having a tough time, the best advice I ever got was to remember, this is just a season. I'm sure it is completely overwhelming you right now, but the kids are growing and things WILL change!! Good luck!

No, you're not being too selfish. You really NEED a book called To Train Up a Child by Michael Pearl. If you'll message me your address, I'll order you a copy and have it sent to you. (I just gave away my last extra).

S.

You sound majorly depressed to me. I was going through something a little similar a few months ago and got put on antidepressants and they helped a little, but I knew that my anger and such was coming from resentment and frustration. Once I sat my husband down and explained to him that while I know how awesomely important and difficult his job is, mine is also difficult and I need help. Men don't react well to anger and yelling. They didn't marry their moms, they married their wife who should respect them and speak and compromise instead of get frustrated and such. Try talking to him clearly and openly about what you need and listen to what he needs too.
About the kids, I understand that they can be majorly frustrating, but please try not to yell. I'll be the first to admit that I do it sometimes, but I hate that I'm teaching my girls to react to people that way.
I'm currently reading a book called "The Mom Walk: Keeping in step with God's heart through motherhood" and it's great! It really gives you inspiration to go out and be the best mom and wife!
I'm also reading "Chicken Soup for the mom of a preschooler's soul" and have found it very inspiring.
I'm keeping you and your relationship in my prayers. Try to remember that men aren't mind readers and often need a little nudge in the right direction. :)

Hi A.,
I know exactly how you feel. It's been awhile since I have been through this but I remember it quite well and it is very difficult. I have 3 children and when my youngest was born, my oldest was 3 1/2 so my plate was extremely full. I also moved here away from my family and did not get much help from my husbands side of the family. It's hard to find baby sitters especially if you can't afford them or just don't know them well enough. But my advice to you...is I know it's real hard to get out of the house by yourself. Sometimes it's just not even an option but there's other ways of getting time by yourself. While your kids are napping or even late in the evening when they are sleeping think of ideas to keep them busy while you can go take a bubble bath and maybe read a magazine. Pick them out a movie, pop them some popcorn and tell them that mommy is going to take a bath and if they are good then they get a treat when you get out in 30 minutes or so. I couldn't go places when mine were little but having a nice relaxing bath and some time for QUIET was nice for me. Also you should get out of the house. I know we don't have all the money for shopping but I would go to stores just to look around at crafts, or take them to a park or McDonalds and you will meet other mothers there to talk with. Women can't pass up the chance to talk so give it a try. You need to talk to other women and have that connection with someone besides on the computer. If there's any sport you can get your oldest in that would be a great way to start friendships with other mothers. And walk your neighborhood and meet your neighbors, there has to be someone there you can connect with. Then eventually you have them watch your kids and you watch there's for a little time alone. I know it's really rough but make it a goal to get yourself out and to calm yourself inside. It goes by so fast and you don't want to look back at it and know you were mad all the time. I wish you the best of luck and I hope this helped just a little. Take care!!

((((A.))))

I so know how you feel... What you have explained is the way my house used to be. I dont feel that you are being selfish at all, I see it as you being human. As moms, we try to be this 'superhero' typed and do everything. First and foremost, you must take time for yourself, I know it is easier said than done, but it is ABSOLUTELY crucial! What I did to get out of this stage of our marriage was just put my foot down! I sat my DH down and told him calmly what was going on with me (not really calmly, I was a blubbering mess), bare honest truth... as ugly as it may be. It did take a while for him to really get it. Alot of times where I would just spring it on him when he got home from work, that I was gonna go do this or that and just go. Because it does seem like in order to have any time for 'us' that we have to kinda sneak it in. I think back and what really changed us was me going back to work for a while, I worked nights and he worked days, so needless to say he got most of the time with the kids, because mine are all in school. But I still had a huge adjustment again when I decided to become a SAHM again. It was a clear agreement with my husband that I was staying home to be a mom... not a slave, and that unfortunately is how I started to feel. I can honestly say that things have been different, I dont know if it just clicked or what, but I get help doing the dishes, laundry, all the chores, and I get one or two nights a week to myself. I wish there was more advice I could give you, but honestly communication is the best option... unless you just go on strike and leave it to him for the whole weekend and just disappear. I really hope this helps and good luck to you!!

Sounds like you and your "wonderful guy" need some time alone together as well as you needing some time for yourself on a regular basis. Another thing that could probably help is some type of marriage counseling (check with the churches in your area) and/or parenting classes (again check with churches; I think that there is also a state-run program). You really must do something before there is permanent damage to your marriage and your children.

Hi,

I just read something about this in a book and it said that our husbands don't really know we need the help. Sounds stupid, but sometimes they just dont "get it"! THey can tune out what is going on in the house.

Try asking him in a calm way. I would give him 15-20 minutes after he gets home at night to unwind as he might have had a hard day as well, then ask for the help. I know we want to give them the kids as soon as they get home, but this may help.

As for as getting angry, I am the same way. You just have to enjoy the kids though. They are little and didn't ask to be born, we asked for them! They will be grown in a flash so you really have to treasure them!

I hope your husband comes around!

God Bless.

I have empathy for you as I think most women feel this way. However, please don't take it out on your kids. I would recommend telling your husband that you need a break a few hours on the weekend so that you can have a coold down time. Unfortunately, if you don't get a break then it won't be good for anyone in the house including your husband. I have learned that if I schedule something on the weekend then my husband has to stay with the kids for a few hours and that helps.

I understand how you feel. After I had a few melt downs and nothing changed I realized that I needed to take time for myself. If its one day a month or one day a week, you need to get away. When your husband if off on the weekend or in the evening go shopping or go to the gym and leave him alone with the kids. Sometimes the best way to show your husband what your going through is to leave him in your shoes. I used to worry about if he would pay attention or listen to the kids. They will once your not there. My husband never wakes up when the kids get up a night, but once I had to spend two nights away for work he learned to wake up. Just make yourself get away. My husband wasn't keeping from taking a break, I was.

It really sounds like your situation is not uncommon, and I'm here to add to that statistic! You are describing my household to a T, only mine was that way a few years ago. We went to counseling. It wasn't cause I didn't love him, it wasn't cause I was even furious at him, we even had a lot of strengths in our marriage, but I knew it could be better. I now get the help I need. He just had no idea how to "think like a mom." Counseling opened his eyes. For me, it's the little things, he gets the girls ready on the weekends, he puts them in their car seats or brings them in the house. He changes the diapers. He understands now that although the dishes were helpful, that wasn't the help I needed. I have explained to him that I didn't even need "time away," cause I don't, I just need daily help! He's the other half of the kids, and should share in raising them - good and bad. So, my suggestion is counseling, be sure whoever you talk to has a degree or some formal trianing in counseling, not just a do-gooder! :) You and your family are in my prayers. I can get better.

You are not selfish, you just need a break from time to time. I'm a mother of 4 and have been married nearly 13 yrs. I still do mostly everything where the kids and the house are concerned and he still sits there watching tv or whatever it seems he can do not to help. When I get mad and bring it to his attention he just acts like he thought I had it under control. I guess that's just a man for you. You need to check in to maybe mother's day out or something once in a while. Area churches usually have these programs. You also need to sit down with your husband calmly and explain to him that you feel overwhelmed and would appreciate some support from him when he's home. Be sure to stress to him that you greatly appreciate the fact that he works and provides for you but while he's out making a living you are still at home with the kids and when he's home you're still with the kids. Surely he'll understand and want to pitch in more. This talk is not a one time thing. He'll forget and you'll have to remind him every once in a while. God bless you and good luck. Hang in there, you are not alone.

He comes home and sits on the couch, you sit down too. Let him see what it is like to be ignored for a while. Don't do ANYTHING for him, just for you and your babies. He does his own laundry, cooking, everything. Then when he complains, give him the same responses he always gives you. You need to go to the Dr. and see if you are suffering from Post Partum Depression. It took a long time to diagnose mine. Just a little while on some antidepressants and you feel like a new woman!
Hope this helps

Is there a moms group in your area? What about going to the park and letting your little ones play w/ other kids and having a conversation w/ the play mates parent... you might make a friend. Get out of the house, sometimes that can make a HUGE difference in your mood. If you area able to find a group or friend maybe you could trade sitting days once a week. You said that you had just moved. Give your self some time and meet a friend. Good Luck and hang in there. Remember nothing is better then mom and you need to remember that what you do every day is the most important thing in the world.

You know everyone needs "alone time". If at all possible to catch hubby in a good mood, sit down and have a talk with him. Explain that you are home all the time and take care of everything. And if he doesn't think that's work, boy is he wrong. Even though he works outside the home, the home and children are his responsibility also. Try for a compromise with him such as one day for a "girls day out". Even if you don't go with anyone else, a stroll at the mall, lunch, anything like that will definitely ease the "housebound blues". If he won't agree to that, you may have to resort to "going on strike" (on his day off)and walking out the door. Unfortunately getting mad at your children is a by product of your frustration, tiredness and overall unhappiness at the situation. You really need to have a heart to heart with him. Good Luck.

I had to check your name again to make sure i didn't write this and forgot. You sound like me so i read all the advice as well. Except for my husband thinks "i cant handle it", and i should go back to work then. That is his answer when i ask for his help. As for family, they tell me i raised 4-5 kids and it was easy for them. I have no luck or help w/ anyone as well. As for my husbands laundry help, he doesn't know where anything belongs. As for dishes, he doesn't clean them well and uses 10 times the soap or just loads up the dishwasher and said "Done", that was easy. Putting kid in car seat, he don't know how. Getting diaper bag ready, he dont know what to put in it. As, for getting son ready for bed, he asks, which pj's, which diaper, how do i brush his teeth?? I might as well do it all myself. This could go forever. So the husband cant help to much. They really dont understand. So, what i am doing is forwarding your question and the advice so maybe he will understand. Good Luck!!!

Do you go to church? If not, find a church you enjoy and reach out to someone. Try looking into a Mommy's Day Out program or something like that. During nap time a couple of times a week, do something for yourself. It is not our lifes mission to have a spotless house. Things like that can wait. Sit down and read a magazine, watch tv and give your self a pedi. Something that you enjoy.

Why are you allowing yourself to be in this position? If you are run down and tired and doing it all, then don't complain to us moms, do something about it. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you have to take care of yourself to be a good mother. Take some time for yourself everyday. When your husband gets home, grab your keys and tell him you'll be back in an hour and go to the park with a book, go get some exercise, or go have a cup of coffee with a friend. Don't give him a chance to complain, just do it. Parents are the role models for their children and if you put yourself last, then your kids will do the same for themselves. Your husband may be a wonderful man(your words), but he certainly doesn't sound appreciative, supportive, or like an active participant in his children's lives. If you want to be respected by your family, you have to insist upon it. As for screaming at your kids-don't. If doesn't help anything to be out of control which is what you are when you're screaming and, trust me, your kids know it, too. On your first me-time hour, go to Barnes and Noble and buy Love and Logic. It will help you learn how to deal with your kids without screaming or getting angry and it works!! Good luck!

A.,

You need some support. Someone to talk to, someone to help you sort out your feelings and your emotions and reactions... before you hurt one of your children. Screaming and yelling can damage a child's well being just as much as hitting.

Perhaps you need to sit down with your husband at a time when the kids are in bed and it's quiet. Just explain how you are feeling- don't use the "you never, or you don't"- Use "I need some time to myself, or I need some help" Whether it be on Saturday he watches the children for 3 hours so you can take a nap or go for a walk to sit at the park.

Be careful though not to fall into "well he gets a break because he goes to work"- at my work, I am way more stresses some days then when at home. Because then he is feeling "she is home all day, what is wrong"... marriage wise it's just not good to compare the two... because whether you work all day or are a stay at home mom- it's work.

if you find yourself getting to a boiling over point... STOP, THINK, do not react. Stop- take 3 deep breaths, Think about what you are about to do or say (will this tear my child down, will this hurt my child -emotionally) and also think about how can I turn this into a positive?

Example- If your child spills milk for the 3rd time- and you are fixing to yell about being careful- Stop- breathe, think- why is he spilling the milk all the time (perhaps he needs to have a cup with a lid- or only get his drink when sitting on the floor, or at the table)... Positive reaction- spills happen- get a towel and say Oh no- help mommy clean this up. Clean up the mess give hugs.

I learned when my children were young and I was going through a time like this- It was me who needed to stop and makes some changes in how I looked at things and how I reacted. When I became more peaceful and less reactive- my children behaved better and I found joy in being with them.

As for getting ready to go somewhere... have a couple outfits ready at the beginning of the week for times you might go out- When it's time to start getting ready- say to your husband "I will get Ethan dressed,and then I am going to go brush my hair, here is Caden's clothes can you help him and make sure he combs his hair". One thing about men, is you just have to tell them what you need- not assume they know they should help.

Perhaps talking to a pastor at a church can help you. Don't assume your neighbors hate you... go talk to them, see if some have younger kids... go to the park together. HOpe this helps some.

I don't think your being too selfish. Honey, your just like me. I liked Theresa K's response. I also think that your loss factors ENORMOUSLY into this. I lost my 11 week old daughter and I tell you, I have not been the same since her death April 25th, 2000. I think you should check out getting on a med for depression/anxiety. Contrary to what anyone else says, they are a life saver. It may take a while to find out what combo works for you, I am on Welbutrin and Zoloft. I also was not sleeping at all so I was on Trazadone for a while. If you can, get with a psychiatrist and a counselor, get your meds going and I promise, you will notice a difference.

Oh honey been there and still there. my husband has decided to go to medical school now. Well to start, In the last two years we have moved three times. It is scary to move. No friends, No help besides finacil. No neighbors. Where is Seagrass? My saving grace has been yoga. Does not mean I dont get frustrated but it helps to give me back a little of me. If your intrested I have a facebook page.

Find things that have childcare and take them with you while your husband is at work. You still get "adult time" with no extra strain on your husband.
Here is a list of things I've done that typically have childcare.
( I am Christian so many of mine are church related, I also don't have a problem attending more than one church. I call it "networking" lol)

Mops group
Sunday morning, Wednesday night church
Bible study-
Gym which childcare.

He can help with taking boy to potty, if he needs help, and when you get ready to go somewhere, in a (pleasant voice) say hey honey, so we can all be ready at the same time, could you get one kid ready while I get the other one, I can't seem to get myself and both kids ready in the same amount of time that you get ready. Communicate, sometimes they don't get it, and nagging they turn their ears off, so if you just explain it will take you a little longer if you get the three of you ready, so he'll have to pleasantly wait or help. Have special charts or something for the kids to help with their stuff, or pick up before they go to bed, and they feel special when helping set table or clearing off . But If he works full time, and you are a stay at home mom, I felt like I was happy I got to stay home with my kids, and that being a homemaker was my job, and it is a full time job and so hard and important. If you think of it as him bring home the bacon, and you keeping the homefires burning,as your contrubutiion to the team work, and greeting him cheerful when he comes home like you appreciate his working for the family,he may feel more like helping a little. That isn't to say that he shouldn't pick up after himself. Does he ever complain that you don't take care of the home?? If he ever did you could do like one person I read about, the husband said what did you do all day , like she hadn't did anything so a couple days she didn't do anything, and when he came home the next time she said this is what the houses looks like when I (don't ) do anything. And he appreciated what all she did after that as he had no idea . Communicate not confrontal, just tell how things are helps so much. I am assuming you are a stay at home wife and mother or my message would not be like the above. If you both work you both share the home. Does sound like it would be great if you could have a break, like meeting other moms at the park, kids play while you had (adult) conversation for a hour, or story time at a library, and check out if you could find a baby sitter for maybe just an hour, for you and your hubby to go get a cup of coffee, just thetwo of you. Sounds like you need just the two of you time a little if you can figure out just sort intervials.

I was the Mom of 4 little ones (and still am) and in about 1962 as I was putting Sunday dinner in the oven as we were going to church my husband came out from the bedroom all ready to go and asked Are you going? I was still in my gown and robe. I lookd at him and said if I had only myself to get ready I would be looking like you. From that day on he realized how selfish he was and he pitched in and you know everyone was ready at the same time. He was a sweetheart and had just not realized how much Mom did for everyone.

Hi A., I'm sorry to hear that you are so stressed out and losing a child is very hard on a realationship and I know its been several years since you lost your little boy, but it doesn't stop the hurt and loss. I know as we lost a little one in 1994 and he was 3 years old when we lost him and he was our foster child the first one we got and we've had somewhere around 60 children in our house at one time or another and we have 7 now from ages 6 - 16 and we work as a team together to make our relationship work. I think both you and your husband have forgotten this and you both need to sit down and talk about what needs to be done. He may be able to the cooking 2 or 3 nights a week, do the washing of the clothes on the weekend, do the dishes at night after the evening meal, and maybe help dress one of the kids when you go out as a family. My mother taught me to cook, sweep & mop the floors, and do the washing and I was 11 years of age and I use to have the breakfast dishes done and ready to catch the school bus at 7:45 AM and did the floors, dishes, and the washing on Sat morning and hang it out on a line. When I came home from school at 4:00 PM I would start cooking the evening meal as Mom would take meat out of the freezer before she went to work in the mornings and Pop would have a sleep as he worked on a dairy and got up at 2:00 AM to milk the cows and he would sleep till about noon and go and help milk again in the afternoon and both would get home abouT 5:30 PM and the evening meal would be ready. I hope this is helpful and you may have to show him how to do some of these things and I hope that he will be willing to learn to do them to help out. I do cooking and washing now and hang the clothes out on the line. I do what I can to help out around the house and I was made redundant 6 years ago and am retired, but when I worked full time I would do what I could to help my wife at home and I would come home and she was trying to cook the evening meal and get the kids thru the shower and I would take over the cooking. Ed