Am I Being Selfish? - Sherman Oaks,CA

When my son was little and began with the 'give me - get me - buy me' mantra, I'd tell him I'd love to win a really big lottery but I don't see that happening either.
Everybody had wants - they aren't necessarily needs.
My son's birthday is in Oct.
I tell him that his birthday and Christmas are a long way off.
And nine times out of ten, he changes his mind about what he wants many times over before his birthday/Christmas comes.
It teaches him to really think about what he wants.
If you start giving in to his demands, his greed will only increase and he'll not be grateful for what you give him.
Delayed gratification is the way to go on this.

Please, don't buy into the theory that buying things makes him happy. He will learn...if he hasn't already...that he can just beg for it, and you'll do it to make him happy. I wonder if this isn't just an example, of him knowing he can get what he wants.

You are making a BIG mistake, if you buy things to make up for a male influence. All that will do is create a spoiled, entitled child...who still doesn't have a male influence. If you want to get him a kindle, fine. But do NOT get him one, because he doesn't have a man. That is an asinine way to think.

I wouldn't go through all the trouble of finding a box to LIE to my child...never, ever.

I would, if I truly believed he *needed* a Kindle get him whichever one I wanted and/or could afford and give him that and I would teach him to appreciate what he is given, regardless of whether or not it is new or used.

~I have never and would never allow my child (regardless of age, but especially at 6y/o!!) dictate to me what and how we were doing things. I think you should be careful here...you are treading on dangerous ground looking at things the way you are looking at them. *Things and material goods* should not be used to get him through rough times, IMHO.

he's six.

the word you're searching for is NO.

Take him to the library.
Really, a kindle for a 6 year old is excessive. And that he is "demanding" a new one, is way over the top.

You cannot make up for whatever guilt you are inflicting upon yourself because you are a single parent by buying him any and everything that he fancies.

A male influence would not solve your over indulgence of him.
Trust me, I have been a single parent for 16 years - stuff doesn't make them happy - just spoiled and hard to live with.
Explain to him that a kindle just is not going to happen.
He is 6, this overindulgence is not a path that you want to go down. What will you do when he is 16 and wants a Corvette and walks all over you?

There is nothing wrong with your son wanting something. But there is also nothing wrong with saying no to your child. Just say no. When he's 16 and wants a new car rather than a used one will you cave? Your starting a precedent that's hard to take back.

Another strange first question. What 6 year old demands a NEW kindle, and his mother looks for a box on ebay so that he thinks a used kindle is new?

I'm sorry, but after all the troll questions we've had this weekend, I am having a hard time believing this question is for real.

If you REALLY are a mother and this is a real scenario, you need to figure out that what makes a child HAPPY is a parent who has clear expectations of him, is consistent with discipline and doesn't allow her son to tell her what to do. Children are happy having limits, and I really mean it. If you don't stand up to your child, he will be VERY UNHAPPY because he'll just keep pushing you farther and farther. He won't understand that this is what he is doing, but he will make you both miserable.

You do NOT talk to a six year old about whether you will buy a new or used item. You don't put up with a child saying that he has to have something, especially if you cannot afford it. If he has a fit because you aren't going to buy him what he wants, then you buy him NOTHING. You NEVER give a child something when he acts like this.

If you don't learn this NOW, you will have a disaster on your hands by the time he is a teen.

You are not this child's friend. You are his mother. Act like his mother. In the long run, it will serve you BOTH well.

Dawn

First off, he's 6. He gets what YOU decide he gets. If he doesn't want what you are willing to buy him, then he doesn't get one. End of discussion. I would not give my 6 yr old an expensive electronic if he gave me a hard time about it or had not shown that he could maturely use and keep care of the things he already had. You know that Kindles can have browsers and access the internet, right? Is that why he wants the latest and greatest? But the bottom line is you decide if you get one or not and he gets what you get or he gets none at all. If it is THAT important to him, he will take the used version.

I think there's a bigger issue, though. You say that you love him so much and there's no male influence around...He doesn't need a kindle. He needs an uncle or grandfather or coach or someone who can be a good role model for him. He needs YOU to understand that you can't buy away guilt for him not having a better father figure. You can't buy happiness. If you think you can buy him off now, you're going to be up a creek when he's 10 or 16. He needs quality time, not screen time.

There's nothing wrong with making a kid happy, until that kid starts making demands on how you are going to make him happy. Problem is, you are the boss and by giving in now, he's going to always expect that in the future and that is bad road to head down.

What's wrong with regular books and games? He's 6. Definitely not responsible enough for a piece of machinery with that price tag. This is what's wrong with society - kids are too tweeked out and dialed in to electronics.

And, I'm sorry, but, he doesn't want a used one? Who's the parent here? Ungrateful and spoiled, much?! I don't think you're the spoiled one here.

Your "So, what happened" post is more troubling than a 6 year old wanting such a frivilous and unnecessary item. Please don't make the mistake of being too much of a friend to your child and not enough of a parent. Please don't make the mistake of being a pushover and letting him get his way all the time, because he's from a broken home and you feel guitly. You're not doing him any favors. Material items will never replace daddy, trust me. Not to sound cliche, but money cannot buy happiness. Spoiling him will backfire and you'll have trouble later down the line. My DH did the same with his son and regrets it.

I don't think you're being selfish........ I think you are acting out of guilt....NOT out of love.

I think you are setting a dangerous precedent of allowing your son to dictate your behaviors.

You believe this will make things "easier" on him because "he doesn't have any male influence around so he's going through a lot and I want to make him happy". This won't make him happy. This will make him entitled and will give him more power than is appropriate for a 6 year old. By the time he is in Jr High he will be so craving structure that he will be a prime candidate for drugs or gangs. I'm NOT overreacting.

The best thing you can do for you son is treat him as if he isn't "lacking" in some way that you have to "make up for". Your responsibility as a parent is to set boundaries, help him learn to control his impulses and teach him to be responsible. You are doing none of those things with this this purchase. Instead you are teaching him that he is in control and that you will bend over back-wards to get him what he wants, regardless of how outrageous his demands are.

At LEAST I would make the kindle purchase a gift - like his ONLY birthday or Christmas gift.

If it's not a birthday or Christmas time, my son has to save up his $ to buy stuff (for him it's DS games). And he can earn $. My son gets a nickel for every pair of socks he matches and puts away. He gets a quarter for emptying the dishwasher (the non-breakable stuff like plasticware and silverware). He vacuumed for me the other day. We come up with chores for him to earn money almost anytime he asks - there is always something to clean around the house!

Yes, it takes a long time to earn the $20 for a used DS game a quarter at a time. But he does it and its a good lesson to learn. And he understands the value of buying used games versus new ones in the package since he can get them so much sooner when he buys used.

He's 6.

If you don't want to go quite this far - maybe you say you will match him what he makes - he earns $35 towards the Kindle, then you'll put in $35 towards it. Your son is NOT too young to start teaching about the value of a dollar.

What sort of Kindle? The traditional one is only $70 (brand new). How old is he? (Sorry just saw your SWH.) Honestly, I wouldn't let my child bully me into buying something brand new if I didn't want to. Tell him to take it or leave it.

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Money and things won't make up for his lack of a male role model.

You're not being selfish. But you are being a bit blind here. He's 6!! Don't allow him to dictate how you spend your own money.

You have these options :

-Buy him the used Kindle

-Buy him a brand new Kindle

-Get him neither since he's not being appreciative

You can't "make" him happy and a Kindle is a really poor replacement for a father. Not my words, yours.

And honestly, what six year old knows the difference between used and new? Especially on something like that. Your plan on deceiving him is awful. He doesn't have a male influence, and his female influence is a liar. Great.

My kids haven't really had a consistant male influence and they are relatively happy (as happy as teenagers can ever be and they've been through A LOT too).

hen my son was 5 he wanted a game boy probably because his friends had one. I told him he could save up for it by getting an allowance for doing chores (I remember him crying when I don't need money any more I'm not doing chores - hasn't happened yet lol) and saving his birthday and Christmas money. It took him about 7 months (his uncles added a bit extra). He appreciated it and took relatively good care of it. He had a couple of occasions where it was stolen, once at school and once from the car while at the car wash. We worked together to recover it both times.

What he learned from all this was that money doesn't grow on trees. You have to work for what you want (even at 5 years old) and there are ways to deal with adversity. I now have a 16 year old who appreciates what he has (and we are dirt poor right now), has no problem with used items or hand me downs and knows how to budget available money. He's even told me not to buy things because we can't afford it.

How will they ever learn these things if you don't teach them while they are young, even if you can afford it? What happens if you can't afford them in the future? Just something to thing about while you make your decisions.

Stuff doesn't make them happy. It just makes them want more stuff.

You are not being selfish, your son is being demanding and you are falling for it. Who's in charge in your house, anyway? Teach him the value of a dollar and have him save his pennies to help pay for it or wait for Christmas, birthday, etc.

I get that you want to make your son happy. We all would like that for our kids. Thing is, happiness doesn't come from things, it's a decision you make. By giving in to things he deamdns that are unreasonable for a 6 year old to have you are teaching him that 1.It's ok to demand because you will do whatever it takes to give him whatever he wants and 2.That you don't deserve respect and consideration (because you aren't able to provide a father?).
I work with kids at risk of being removed from their homes because their behaviors are so extreme. I cannot tell you how often I hear from those parents the same thinking you have expressed. The solution is always the same: provide structure, set firm and reasonable house rules, follow through with reasonable reards and consequences. Your son can't always get what he wants and teaching him to deal with dissapointment is a life long gift you can give him. Believe me, this makes you a good parent because it will make him into a good man.
Sorry if I came across as harsh.
A.

I would not buy used electronics. you dont know if the kindle has been dropped or is sort of broken.. You most likely cannot return it to the craigslis seller and get refund..

we got my 6 year old a tablet and he does play with it. a lot.. too much.. the tablets arefun... lots of games.. it can do a lot more than books..

hower.. if you cannot afford it do not get it.. and there is no way a toy can make up for a male influence...

He may need to learn that "brand new" isn't possible for a lot of people, and that "almost new" turns out to be really good. (I wonder why he's protesting anything but new; is there some peer pressure involved?)

But whatever you do, don't deceive your son. He needs to be able to know that you will not deceive him in anything.

Mom, please, PLEASE don't make the mistake of overcompensating a male role model and attention with "stuff". SO many divorced parents do this and their kids are no more appreciative, secure, or loving for all of their efforts. Typically, they become entitled brats who know how to work the system.

Generally speaking, nothing easily won is appreciated.

I think a tablet for a 6yo is completely unnecessary and will have more of the effect of a computer rather than a book. As a mom of a boy, one of the very best habits you can instill in him is reading, so I would go for the kindle reader.

If you are able to purchase one new, get one but don't tell him. Have him earn it (great suggestions below) and be able to look forward to it.

If the price point is an issue, go with a refurbished or gently used one and take the opportunity to teach him about the necessity of budgeting and having the benefits of things we like without having to pay full price for them.

FWIW: I bought a refurbished one on a flash sale site and it was like new. No issues. When I had a problem with it (almost wiping out my library - but due to something I did, not the device) Amazon customer service helped me just as though I had purchased it from them.

Not that I'm saying you shouldn't buy him one, and I'm certainly not criticizing you. But the last line in your SWH reminded me of something I heard on Dr Phil the other day. One of the biggest mistakes parents (especially of divorce make) is "Converting guilt ...into overindulgence when it comes to satisfying your child's material desires." He said that often parents feel bad and so they compensate by letting their guard down - extending bed times, not enforcing rules, buying things they normally wouldn't, etc - but this is a time when the child needs rules and guidelines and structure enforced more than ever.
I just thought I'd share. Good luck.

What difference does it make to a 6-year-old if it's new or used? If he wants to be that picky, let him save up his allowance and buy a new one.

He's ONLY six. He can wait until he's old enough to get a job to get his very own brand new Kindle. Or he can share yours, if you have one.

Sounds like the tail wags the dog in your house.

Why would he care if it is new or used? I rarely ever buy my kids anything brand new, and they have never once commented on it or complained. You are not being selfish, but it sounds like he is being entitled.

Whatever you decide to do.... Please don't lie to him. He WILL figure it out and then he will no longer trust you because you lied.

If he is 6 he does not need a tablet. The standard Kindle reader is $70. I would buy it new if you want to buy one for him.
ETA: A reader is a great substitute for paper books. Way easier to travel with and I believe you can now 'borrow' kindle books from your regular library for free.

How much cheaper is it? The basic kindle runs around $70 I think. If its not much more expensive, the new may be worth it for the warranty.

ADDING: ok, sounds like he wants a kindle fire. I'd get a new one for the warranty, in that case. BUT, I'd tell him that something that pricey is a Christmas or birthday gift. He can either have a basic kindle or you'll buy him books in the meantime. Because, do you REALLY think he'll be mainly reading with it? Not with the Internet, apps, and movies available! My daughter has a fire and mainly uses it for netflix. She reads the old fashioned way, especially since I won't let her take it to school.

You're sweet-if you get him one-you know what will happen if he takes it to school....... right.....and , frankly, I think that is a special possession that he doesn't have to share. good luck!

I'm a big fan of Kindles. If your son is a careful child, I don't see anything wrong with giving him one.

I have no problem buying used or refurbished things, or with giving them to my kids. I do have a problem with your plan to lie by pretending it is new. I would never do that, because it teaches my kids that there is something wrong with buying used and saving money.

I don't think you're being selfish, I think you're >thisclose< to screwing up teaching a good life lesson.

Why would you think that YOU'RE the one being selfish in this scenario?

I have a 6 year old. He frequently asks me for things, sometimes they are luxury items, and I almost always tell him "no." If he DARED complain about the prospect of getting a USED luxury item, then he'd not get it at all!

Buying your kid whatever he asks for isn't going to make him happy. Teaching him that we don't always get what we want and responsibility will help him to be happy. Of course he's too young for a REAL job, but you could pay him for chores. It'll take him several months to acquire enough to buy the Kindle, but that's kinda the point. He needs to learn that when we want something we must work for it, and work is hard, and it takes a long time to earn enough money to buy luxury items.

In this instance I'd tell him used or nothing. He can't get the idea that used isn't good enough for him. Then he'll demand new expensive stuff all the time. This could be a test on his part. There's no good in trying to lie to him to appease him either.

Tell him the truth, that it's the used one or nothing. If you choose to get him a new one after all I'd tell him there are strict rules about using it.

We got the grand kids the google tablets for Christmas. They can only use them in our presence and they cannot, ever in any way, take them outside or to school. If they do they lose them for a very long time. So far, they got them during Thanksgiving break, they have not lost them once.

Hi S.,

Your 6 yr old can't get a job, but he can do chores to "earn" the money to buy that kindle. Even a 6 yr old can understand that it will take him a lot longer to earn $160 than $70, and this is a great time to start educating him on the value of money.

One thing you might want to consider before buying that used Craigslist Kindle, however, is if the seller is reliable and does the item really work? Why is the seller selling it? Did the seller upgrade, or is there a problem with the device? Also, will the version of the device being sold do the things you and your son are expecting? The original Kindles were e-readers, only, and don't have the tablet-like functionality that the new versions have. Also, there are a lot of other similar devices out there that do not lock you into Amazon's format. I suggest you do some research on e-readers/tablets, and check Nexttag.com before making a purchase.

Also, if part of your concern is that your son is need of a male influence, may I suggest you sign him up for Cub Scouts, a team sport, or get in touch with Big Brothers?

How much is the craigslist one? How about tell him you will either buy him that one - or put that much $ toward a new one...and he can pay the difference. He can work to earn the extra $$.

ETA - Even a 6yo can work to earn the rest of the $. Have him do chores around the house. Make each chore worth a certain amount of $. Read up on Love and Logic.

And don't try to buy his happiness. Spend time together. Don't buy him things to rid yourself of guilt.

Does your son love to read and it makes it more exciting on a kindle or does he wants it because others have it. If its the first, then finding one that cost less wouldn't be selfish. However, if it is the latter, then you don't have to give him everything he asks for.

At six, I think I would just buy him a book.. My son who is 11 likes to go to the used bookstore and trade books in as he reads them..It's very exciting for him to search the shelves looking for a new book in which to read.. The library is always a good source as well...

At this age, he'll outgrow the Kindle... at least in my opinion..

Okay... So my son has had
- iPhone
- Flip
- Nikon Coolpix
- MacBook
- etc.

Or rather, has, since he still uses all of them, starting at 3.

EXCEPT for the laptop, none of them were over $50.

He has the free Kindle App on his iPhone ($1 phone).

So we're SUPER techy.

If he didn't want a used or previous gen item? Wanted a NEW one to be happy?

More than welcome to buy it himself. Because there is no way on Gods green earth that I would. In fact, if he threw a fit about it, Id put a 6mo moratorium on it. Even if he thinker down a million bucks, it wouldn't happen. However, if he wasnt throwing a fit, he's more than welcome to save for it. That's what allowance & birthday/Xmas money is for. Saving or spending. His option.

He wanted a MacBook @ age 5.
It took him 3 years to save up half of it ($500)
(Big purchases I'll match).
He wanted it badly enough to save for it
He got it
(Obviously, he still follows all the rules surrounding computer use. He bought it, but I'm his parent. My job is to parent.)

Buy him an iPad and Nook instead. He'll deal.

Just get him the used one. Im surprised a 6 yr old would know the difference between new and used. My guess is once he gets it, he wont care.

Our local library has 2 kindles and 2 nooks preloaded with books. Perhaps have him try one like that. I LOVE my Nook (the small black and white one that is ONLY for books and costs $79)and LOVE the fact I can read a 600 page books and it does not weigh a ton. Perhaps for a birthday or Christmas this would be a good gift, I like to encourage reading.