Am I Being Selfish? - Leavenworth,KS

I do not think you are being selfish at all! I would say that it is your hubby that is being the selfish one. This is his child too and he should be supporting you above all others no matter the situation. It is not like you are asking him not to attend the funeral at all, just to make it a short tip so that he can take care of things at home as well. Why should he get a mini vacation and leave you stressed out at home when he could stay for the US and THEN go support the family that doesn't really care about the grandmother. Funerals are for the living, not the dead. His grandmother won't care and if the family is just using her death as an excuss to party (very sad in my oppinion), then the funeral should not come before the new life that is coming into the family. I know what it is like to have complications in a pregnancy and to be dealing with the unknown and you need him by your side. I get that men experience things from a different perspective when we are pregnant, my sweet hubby never really got into the pregnancy either, but that doesn't mean that you don't need him there as support and strength while you are dealing with things. Talk to him about how you are feeling about all of this. Lay it all out on the line and let him know that you are upset and need him at home. Hopefully he just doesn't see how important this is to you and will change his mind once he does.

Rhonda,
My first instinct is to say that he absolutely should go and come back within time to help you and see the ultrasound. BUT, on the other hand, men just don't get excited about ultrasounds and they certainly don't expect to hear bad news and don't even want to let that thought come in their brains. So it's hard to get a man to understand why it's important to you.

I've had 2 funerals in 2 years. Last year it was my dad. He and I have not been close. So I went and got home as fast as I could. I did not enjoy seeing people I haven't seen in 20 years or more. I mean it was nice. But the grief over my dad and regret we were not close clouded that.

This last funeral was VERY different. It was my younger step sister. We have not been close either because I stayed away from my dad all these years. Our lack of sibling relationship was not because she was a step. It was a casualty of the situation with my dad and I. Never the less, I didn't really go to this funeral in a world of grief. It was more about feeling so bad for those that were close to her and meeting my family obligation. This time I totally enjoyed seeing so many people I hadn't seen in years and reconnecting. Sadly, I did have to get home. My family and business needs me. I really don't get to do things like leave town and even have days off like most people do. I certainly don't have the money or the time. I really wish I had stayed longer.

Your husband may be feeling like he only gets away these days during funerals. He may be feeling like he wants to and needs to reconnect with old friends and family. And who says he is not supporting them? It's a very SAD and TRUE reality that funerals for many families is the only time we see each other. It's a product of this life that requires so much work just to survive.

Your husband may not be grieving for the woman as someone he was close to. But don't think for a moment he doesn't have regrets or at least feelings of wishing it had been better. That's another type of grief all of it's own. Men do not express themselves well. Partying is the only way they do express themselves sometimes.

The worst thing about this is that if you discourage him from going, then you end up being the old ball and chain. He'll believe that you are being pregnant, clingy, and biotchy. I don't know exactly how I'd handle it if I were in your shoes.

Suzi

Congratulations on your baby!!
Sounds like your husband needs to grow up, along w/ the other "men" in his family. Whatever happened to actually caring about your family members, and not just finding an excuse to go party? Your husband should have been there for his grandmother all along, and so should her sons. We certainly live in a very self absorbed world now. I think it says alot about what kind of man (or not) your husband is, if he won't come to the Dr. visit with you and would whether go drink. My husband came w/ me to everyone of my Dr. visits w/ our first, and he will come to all of them w/ this baby too, (I'm due in Jan.), because he knows that a real man is ALWAYS there for his wife and family and wants to make sure he is always a part of everything. I can't tell you the last time he had a "guys night out", because he knows, he should be w/ his family that he created. We will also bring our three year old to the visits so he can feel like he's a part of it also. Have you thought about just bringing your daughter, so she can experience seeing the baby too? You might be surprised how well she'll do. Good luck, sounds like an interesting situation you're in.

First of all congrats on #2. I have found that weddings and funerals bring out the worst in families. I think it sounds like this is just a party they are waiting to have, at the expense of the grandmother. Let him go, let him live it up. He will regret it some day. If you tell him he can't go, he may be angry at you.
Call the Dr. office and see if you can bring in a tape/CD/or something to make a copy of the ultrasound. I did that with my last child. Unfort. I taped over part of it. I believe you can still get copies. Put them on your fridge and don't say a thing until he notices them. You know that he is excited about #2. Men just show emotions differently than we do.
Who knows? He may go to the funeral/party and have a lousy time. The best you can hope for is that he gets a really rotten hangover!
Good luck!

I think he should be able to go to the funeral and be with you for the appointment if thats possible. Because who knows exactly when she will pass. Putting everything else aside, I think 4 days is a little excessive to be gone for a funeral when you have a pregnant wife and toddler at home. I wouldnt get into any "details" about his family if you tell him that, I would just tell him your scared in your state to be alone for that long. Otherwise he probably will turn it around and make you "look" like the witch. Anyways good luck!

Let me start off by saying that I am so sorry for the loss of your family member. That is never an easy situation. But in my opinion your husband's 1st priority should be to you and your children. I could see him going for a few days and being involved in the funeral preparations,etc., if they had a really close family. According to the picture you have described, it seems to me that flying out for a day, or two,for the visitation and funeral should be enough.
I'm praying for your family, you will make it through.