Am I a b..ch for Feeling This Way?

I cope with things in a way that is odd to others but it works for me. After having people tear apart my coping skills I tend to give others the benefit of the doubt.

I can see a mess of reasons that she copes as she does none of which indicated she doesn't love this child.

Heartless? No. But:

My cousin is very LFA.

If you want him to scream for 12-20 hours straight (until his voice gives out, and then still screams silently), take a flash photo of him, or flick your headlights at him, or have any kind of strobe light.

Screaming like your ripping off his arms.

The only photos we have are direct sunlight that have been gotten almost on accident, with a phone (the sound of a camera triggers a lesser response, although other clicking doesn't bother him.)

SIMILARLY:

Some families keep a kid in institutional care in their daily lives. Others? Trying to do so creates anxiety attacks, uncontrollsd sobbing, angry outbursts. Ditto NOT doing so can also bring on those responses. It's grieving, relief, guilt... And every family handles it differently.

Just so you know... Most marriages don't survive LFA. It's too intense, either in care or out.

So while I don't think your a beach at ALL, know this family is under ENOURMOUS pressure, LFA son may have triggers you don't know about (or they planned on having him in the photo, and he had a hard day, or a meltdown, or whatever that made it impossible and they've learned not to cancel everything, but just keep moving forward the best they can), or this is how they're trying to cope with the idea of having him be gone / part of their grieving process. (See? The 4 of us? We're going to be okay together.)

Basically: trust that they're doing what they have learned is best, and are trying to do the best thing they can for their family.

I have twins, one of whom is special needs, and it may have been a day for pictures where the child chose not to cooperate or could not handle the situation. It's hard for the other twin (and their older sister) when things constantly get canceled or not done; sometimes you just have to forge ahead with the activity the best you can. I wouldn't assume that the boy was intentionally excluded and I wouldn't assume that they didn't try their best. Even if they made the intentional decision to not include the boy in the pictures, I would use the principle of charity and imagine that they may well have struggled with a difficult family dynamic and done the best they could or knew how under the circumstances.

I don't know, I have 3 kids and I don't usually have pics of all of them together.

Usually, I take pics of them when they are involved in some activity together, if one child was not involved in that activity, they wouldn't be in that picture.

Were these professional photos taken of the family and he was not there? Perhaps there was a reason for that that you are unaware of. You can always kindly ask. Perhaps the child is absolutely terrified of the camera.

I had a sibling who had to be institutionalized for several years due to mental disorder and was also dangerous to be in our home. It was very strenuous as a family. He wasn't always in our family pictures either. My sibling wasn't intentionally excluded, it just happened, even though we loved him very much.

They use to keep these kids in cages. I obviously don't know the full details, and I'm sure you probably don't either.

I have a child who has Autism as well. She hates having her picture taken. She hates the flash of the camera, and even if I reassure her that the flash is off she hates anticipating that I might be mistaken. I don't have a ton of pictures of her.

I rotate pictures of my children on FB. Sometimes it's two of them and not the third. Sometimes she's one of the two, sometimes not. It's not a hidden statement, subconscious or otherwise.

Try not to let the fact that your sister-in-law and brother-in-law aren't your favorite people color your view on this. Your nephew really may not be in photos by his own needs and not because your in-laws are ashamed of him. I'm sure that they adore him.

You're not heartless. You're not missing something.

Some families can cope with severe retardation or something similar. Some cannot. In past generations, most Down's kids and those with severe retardation were generally put into institutions. Some HAD to be put into institutions because the families could not physically manage them if they were violent. (Down's adults are generally not violent, but other types of retardations can be.)

If your brother and sister-in-law are really contemplating putting him in a special home, perhaps this is their way of saying goodbye or letting go. Feeling that way, if they are, and you feeling ill about it are both honest feelings, P.. It's hard to ask the question of them.

I don't know if looking it from this possible perspective is helpful to you or not.

Hugs~
Dawn

Umm...maybe this child was NOT in the mood to have their picture taken. Ever thought that maybe they were there, but not in the picture? I can't imagine it's easy to force a toddler mind inside of an 8 yearolds body to do anything.

I think it's very silly and unwise to assume the worst. You know what? You are clueless. You have NO idea what it's like to raise a child like theirs. Your situation in NO way compares to theirs. Seriously. High functioning, to toddler trapped in an 8 year olds body, gives you no clue. None.

They are family. Why don't you try compassion before judgement? This is really about you not liking the parents, I have a feeling. Kind of an ammunition. To answer your title question, yes...I kind of think you are.

I've gotta agree with Bug on this one. This is something you should never pass judgment about.

I think you should assume the best, not the worst.

My first inclination would be that the child had some sort of melt down on family picture day and refused to be in the pictures.

My three year old son was in NONE of the family pictures from my sisters wedding because he was so wild. The only way he would have been in a picture would have been if I was forceably holding him, kicking and screaming and covered in drool. SURE we have a couple of snapshots that way - but no formal pictures.

Try to find some compassion for the parents. I am sure they are dong the best job they can with a difficult situation. Be supportive of them, and compassionate to them. Give them the benefit of the doubt that they are doing the best they possibly can for their family.

Saying something to them about this is not going to help anyone. Continue to be kind and supportive and make sure you are extra inclusive of the son when you have family get togethers.

I have to disagree with Clay. Please don't ask in the comments section on FB where the other child is. When you can't convey tone and emotion you get misinterpretation and big big drama.

If you are talking face to face or over the phone I think it would be totally acceptable to ask about the other child.

i can just imagine the parents having to have to explain to their facebook friends ( where everthing is perfect remember?) that the son was having a melt down or that they didn't choose to include him.

I love photos so it would make me sad not to have any of my whole family.

and i feel like you probably have a truer picture about how these people treat their special needs son across the board, so i him not being in the picture makes you sad, then I tend to think they are probably choosing to deal with him by cutting him out. which is sad, but as others have said might be a coping mechanism.

As a "toddler", it is likely that the other twin didn't want to cooperate and/or didn't get a good photo. This has been the case with my 3-yr old quite often. The photographer was at the house so they took a whatever photo because it was already paid for. I'd ask in the photo comments where is the 3rd child before making assumptions.

I don't have any advice on the photo (except to say that I'd probably feel the same way you do about it).

However, I highly recommend this book for the other kids:
"Views from our Shoes," edited by Donald Meyer, Director of the Sibling Support Project.

And the http://www.siblingsupport.org/ for more resources for the siblings/family. They may even have a SibShop in the area near your neices/nephews that would really help them.

It sounds like this was a photographer appointment kind of picture. They may just be at their wits end trying to take care of him and just can't do it anymore.

I would never do a family portrait without all the children in it. If this was a casual picture taken at an outing or something then it doesn't really mean anything. If they excluded him on purpose then that does make them a sad family for sure.

I dont think you are for feeling this way, yes it might be kind of hard for your SIL butt she should still include her son. I dont really know how hard it is for her to handle her son.

I grew up with a babysitter who a had a severly autistic child. He was just as much a part of the family. My Mil has a son who has been diagnosed with some serious problems. They have a very hard time controlling him most days as he is 32. He is very much a part of the family and is not left out on anything. He also has a fraternal twin as well. They understood he was slower growing up but it got worse when he hit 18. I don't think you are wrong for feeling that way. Just for a minute imagine how that child feels. Yes he might not totally understand at this moment but it still probably bothers the child. I think any child should be showed the same type of attention no matter what kinda condition they have.