Am I a Bad Wife and Should I Ask My Husband If I Can Go?

I would think that your husband should be very proud to have a wife that can not only remain strictly friends with someone she once cared very deeply for, but also still have such strong ties with that persons family. Not that I'm trying to jinx you, but if I were him, I would be happy to know that if you and I didn't work out, we would be ok as friends and you would still love my extended family too.

That being said, I hope that he will not try to read more in to this than there is. From your explanation of things, you don't sound like your carrying any thing more than feelings of friendship for this other man. As well, there is nothing wrong with grieving a friend who was such a big part of your life (whether that friend is male or female). Also, because you were so close to his family, this isn't even really about the ex anymore.....you want to express your sympathy to his family for such a horrible loss.

I know that the funeral is quite a distance away, but I think you owe it to yourself and the ex family to share your grief and good memories. Maybe take hubby with you. I think you said it best when you stated I was grieving my first love while celebrating my true love. Tell your husband that and ask if he'd like to accompany you. If he opts not to....at the very least he'll know that you are very much considering his feelings.

Oh Dear, OF COURSE you should go. And furthermore your husband should go WITH you.

Feel better!

:)

I can see your dilemma... but I don't see it as an issue. I'm sure your husband will understand your need to go to support your ex's family - who've you stayed close to as well as say good-bye.

I think that if you told your husband what you told us, he would be fully supportive of you going (if he can go to, that would be even better). This is not just about so guy you used to date; it's about the loss of a childhood friend and wanting to be there for the rest of his family that you have close ties to. Perfectly understandable.

I am so sorry for your loss. (((hugs)))

I would take the whole family and express your condolences... Help support the surviving family.... The main thing is ask your hubby this question and see what he says... More than likely some of your friends from your youth will also be there and mourning the loss also. Tell him that you would like to go because of your friendship with the sister...

Forgive me, i didnt read the other replies....

If it was me, i would get a sitter. I would go with my husband. I would get a hotel room. That night i would have dinner with my husband and watch a quiet movie in the room.

This way you are telling your husband that you want him/need him and still get to say goodbye to your friend. I think you have every right to want to say goodbye. Someone you cared for passed.

Don't be afraid to ask your husband. You have been open and honest with him this far. I have an ex that i still speak to (only once or twice a year). We grew up together. I would hope that my husband would let me say goodbye at his funeral.

GO...and ask your husband to go with you.

Sorry for your loss. Hugs.

It sounds like you are still close to his sisters. You would naturally want to be there for them. He was a part of your life. You're not crazy. In fact I think you are incredibly thoughtful. You are worried about your exes family and what they are going through and trying to be mindful of your husbands feelings and all while you are grieving a lost love yourself. You two have a strong enough relationship and enough love trust and respect to handle this. Ask him go with you. You need him. He's your rock. Once he's onboard the only real question is...was your ex remarried or in a serious commited relationship? How will your presence affect her in her time of grieving?

Given the situation I suggest you tell your husband that because you are close with "x sister's name" and given the history, you feel compelled to attend the funeral. Ask how he feels about that and if he wants to attend with you.

I think it is reasonable for you to attend the funeral and support your friend and say goodbye to someone who was still a friend after all those years. I can see your husband saying he will or will not attend with you (I can understand it either way).

It's perfectly understandable that you want to go. Would your husband go with you?

You are not crazy. It would be good for you to grieve and support your friends. HOWEVER - I wonder what your ex's WIFE would feel about your presence. What would you want if you were her?

If she'd want you there, then talk to your husband. If not, let the sisters know they can call you to talk. Its' really, really important to respect his wife's feelings right now. I don't see her in your question but you sound like a caring person - step back, put yourself in her shoes, then decide if you need to tell your husband that you'd like to go.

Good luck. (p.s. I agree that if you go, your husband should go with you)

You need to be there for your friend, and you need to say goodbye to an important person from your past, someone who helped to shape the person you are, the person your husband loves. I would think he would not only support you in this, but offer to go if you wanted/needed him to, I know mine would.

I think that if you want to go, you should attend. My dad died ten years ago this week - I told my ex-boyfriend when it happened (I was engaged to my husband) - he couldn't be there (Boston to California) but I know he wanted to be there for me as my parents were a second family for him. He was also a groomsman in my wedding.

When you can establish an ongoing relationship with an ex, it means you can have a grown up relationship - not that you 'haven't gotten over him'.
I am sorry for your loss and hope that you can attend his memorial.

I think it depends a LOT on how close you are to the sisters.

Yo me, really, I think you are mourning the memory of him and what you had a loooong lifetime ago. An 8 hour away trip is pretty extreme for an ex flame from a relationship that ended b/c your "lives took different paths." But then ago I don't know how close you are to the sister....

Does he have a surviving spouse? If so, then I really think it's a bad idea....if it was you, would your husband want X there for comfort?

I'm so sorry for this loss:(

Personally, I would be disappointed in my spousal equivalent if he had any issue whatsoever about me grieving and/or going to the funeral. There is no need for insecurity at a time like this and if your husband loves you the way it sounds like he does, he will be a wonderful and supportive friend to you at this difficult time. I trust my partner implicitly and he trusts me, so caring for one another during such sad times is part of the package.

Let yourself grieve and let your husband love and support you. He might very well rise to the occassion! Is there a possibility fearing your husbands feelings is part of your grieving process?

Just be kind to yourself and accept love and support from others...especially your husband because that's what you are both there for right? :)

Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

What a sad situation! I don't think you are crazy for wanting to go. Could you tell your husband you would like to go and ask him if he would like to go with you? Odds are he wouldn't want to go, or couldn't if you have children that he would need to stay with. But it might make him feel important to be invited. I would also say that if he is really against it, to send flowers and try not to be offended. I can't see a reason not to talk about it though. Good luck, and sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss. No, it doesn't make you a bad wife. You are human. This was a huge part of your life---first b/f and all the firsts make a big impact on your life. I would tell your husband gently that you need to do this for you-to have closure about your past and be there for your friends. I would go and support the family.

M

I agree with Theresa. Go and take your husband with you. Although things didn't work out with you and X, he was still a very important part of shaping who you are today, the woman your husband loves. I think your husband will understand that caring deeply for someone from your past has nothing to do with who you are in love with today. You're lovely to care so much about X's family and they will surely appreciate you being there for them.

I am so sorry for your loss.
When my grandmother died there was a lot of family drama around due to a nasty divorce. My father was the executive of the estate so I was helping him with everything . Every family member was invited, the estate paid to fly out the grandchildren. Everyone was told to put everything aside for the funeral, end of discussion. My cousins that avoid the family after the divorce came, the ex wife of my uncle came as did my uncle(grandmothers son). My aunt(OK..technically ex but she was my aunt for so long that she's still my aunt anyway) had lived with my grandmother for years along with my uncle and 2 cousins. My grandmother meant a lot to her and it would have been wrong if she was not at the funeral.
Why I share this story? Because this is similar in nature if not the details. This is someone that was important to your life and you have every reason and right to grieve his loss. You are also close to this person's family.
If you need/want to go to the funeral then you tell your husband and go. Bring your husband. Bring your sons. You need and deserve their support as well. Share with them the life of someone that was special to you.
What on earth is there to be hurt about? Just becase you grieve for someone that has passed does not mean you've been "carrying around the torch" for this person all these years.

It sounds like you are friends with the sister's right? Why not go? I am not close friends with any of my exes, but if I was still friends with family members, it is a tragedy for them too and would maybe go for them.

You may need to go to a session of grief counseling and let your family know (especially be reassuring to your husband) that you are going for support of the family, not reminiscing of your past love.

Your x's kids may not have their dad anymore, but they have a support group of lots of family and friends who can play with them.

No -why wouldn't you go to his funeral? He was important to you and you still kept in touch -and your husband knows this. You know his family and you should go. Only someone very immature would take issue with it.

What a sad time for all. Since it is 8 hours away, ask hubby and kids to come along. Stay in a motel or hotel and attend together. I would suggest this and state that you really want to be there for the family and even though the the funeral is for your x I do not think there is any way your hubby could be jealous. If he comes along, great. If he says, no I do not want to go, great then you go alone. Just don't make it a big deal and it won't be. I think we all have a special place in our hearts for that first love, I know I do, but this has nothing to do with your love for him, and everything to do with supporting long time friends in a very sad time. Consider yourself hugged.

So so sad. I am sorry you are going through this. If it was me I would go to the funeral. Not sure how you could even contemplate not going. You are still friends with his sister so even if you did not have a relationship with him or even know him shouldn't you be there for your friend's sake since she just lost her brother? This would not be an issue for my husband and I. I know he would understand and he may even want to come with me to support me.
Hearing that a 31 year old dad/husband passed away makes me sad and I did not even know him. I think you should give your husband the benefit of the doubt and trust that he will understand.

Yes you should go. I would just tell your husband matter of factly, not bitchy or anything, but just say hey, here's the details of the funeral. I'd like to go, are you okay watching the kids all weekend so I can. If you approach it like he should be mad then he will probably get mad and wonder if there's something more to the story. Just present the facts and then talk about it. I would imagine he would understand your desire to attend the funeral, and I certainly don't think it's weird, so if you need to go then go.

You just need to talk with your Husband... about it. Hopefully he is mature... and can understand.
And say that the Sisters contacted you... as you are friends with them.

No matter what, when someone passes... MANY people from their lives, may attend the funeral. It just is.
It does not mean you 'love' this man... but that it is paying respects.
To me.
It is about paying respects.....

BUT, you know your Husband best.
And hopefully, he is a mature non-egotistical man.... who can understand.

Does your Husband know that you and your Ex kept in touch? And that you are still close to his older sister? To me.... that is also an important... facet to this.
Which... may not be a good feeling for a Spouse to know, about.
Have you 'hidden' all of this, from your Husband, all these years?
If so.. then he will probably be astonished.... that you were keeping in touch with your Ex and still close to his Older Sister.... and then this happened, he passed, and his sister contacted you... and you want to go to the funeral.
So... that will be, if your Husband does not know.... a real.... 'surprise' to him... to suddenly know all of this.

If it was a secret all this time, that you had contact with these people.... then.... that may not be a real great thing for your Husband to find out. Now.
But if you were open about it and honest.... then, your Husband may be understanding... or maybe not.

But yes, your Husband can attend with you... to the funeral.

Yes you should go. I completely understand you. I too am very close with my first loves family him. Of course my situation is a little complicated considering our familes are very very very close, we grew up together. I think your husband should go with you, make him feel apart of it. I dont think you should really have a crying fest in front of him, but go out of respect for one, and two your ex meant something to you. He is what has shaped your idea of love, a relationship, etc. and therefore you probably wouldnt be with your husband if you were never with your ex. I am so sorry about your loss, my heart goes out to his family and to you.

I didn't read the other responses, so I don't know if this is a repeat, but I would go, and I would take my husband with me. There is no scandal in that at all.

To reassure you - someone you once loved has died. A death no matter whom takes some time to grieve over. Mourn your friend and don't feel guilty for doing so. You did not pick the time he died, which is unfortunate that it is on your son's birthday and anniversary. I would suggest you mourn in private since you are the only one currently that it affects. Celebrate your child's birthday and your anniversary as best possible without bringing the sad burden of your ex into it. In other words, make the best effort, don't use his death as the replacement for your events now.

Pay your respects and send your condolences to the sisters and family, but try not to let it interrupt your time with your husband since it wasn't like a family friend that died. This is where I think your husband might have a problem - if you make it more of a priority than your family.

I am sorry to hear of your loss.

.

We all have people in our pasts who are important to us. It was a part of your life. You should definitely go. If your husband thinks otherwise he is being petty. Let him do something special with your kids in celebration of your lives together while you mourn in peace.

I agree with Theresa. You should go and your husband should go with you. If you are not planning on asking your husband to go with you, don't go.

I'm a religious person so I personally would do a lot of praying about this. It sounds like your heart is in the right place so I hope that your husband understands and that you both can say your proper good byes. So sorry for your loss.

I would definitely go and probably with my husband. Your husband sounds
supportive so I have a feeling he would understand your need to be there
for the family.

A really close friend of mine shot himself several years ago. He was 25 years old. I wanted to go to his funeral when they called me to let me know, but I was worried that my husband would be hurt ot upset that I cared so much. He was one of my best friends, but I was never interested in him in any other way. I never went to the funeral and didn't show any emotions around my husband. I dealt with it by myself, and I regret not going to his funeral. Every time I hear one of his favorite groups on the radio, I get tears in my eyes. I feel like I haven't completely grieved yet. If you feel like you need to go, you should!

No you are only human. When my husband's first significant other died last year I really encouraged him to grieve - and he did. We have been married for almost 30 years and have 4 kids and a grandboy we are raising. He still needed to grieve. He did not go to the memorial (she died in Australia) because he was not close with the family, you are. I liked the suggestion that you take your husband with you - it will make you closer - it did for us.

I would suggest sending flowers to the family/funeral and staying home. You can do a small memorial on your own, such as planting a tree or bush or releasing a balloon, without bothering your spouse or upsetting anyone. You're not a bad wife for caring about this other man's death, but you could let it come between you if you make a huge deal out of it. I definitely think you have some grief to get through, and that's totally normal, but your own family's daily routine should probably not be upset. An 8-hour trip would pretty much blow the weekend, is what I was thinking.

Of course you should go!, but so should your husband.

You and your husband should go together.

I think you should go and bring your husband.If he understands he should not have a problem with it.It is a hard time for you and Xs family because a big part of you life is gone.