Am I a Bad Mom? - Killeen,TX

For a first step, I would try to do one thing with each girl every day... one on one. Consciously focus on her. Sit at the table and color a page with her. Sit on the floor and build something with Lincoln logs, or lego's. Or sit on the bed and play Barbie's for a set amount of time (15 minutes?).

It doesn't have to be anything elaborate or creative... just spend time doing ONE THING. No distractions.. no TV on.. .let the machine get the telephone, etc. Sit at the table and make play-doh animals...
The girls will LOVE that you are giving them one on one attention and so will YOU. Small steps. Even giving the kids 15 minutes once a day can make a HUGE difference in their behavior and attitude throughout the day... imagine what it might do for YOU too.
Some days it is hard to get "into" what the kids are doing... but just try to do ONE thing. No big projects or anything like that. ONE thing. Focused on them.

don't feel you have to do it all your self, I bet your girls will love daycare and you might be able to hook up with some other families and do some outings together, sometimes knowing someone is waiting to meet you can help you get the energy to get out of the house.
This might sound basic, but for a schedule i would start with meals. Just promise to sit and eat together breakfast, lunch and dinner, They will need some small snacks too, it would probably be healthy for you to have something nutritous to munch on.
so say, breakfast at 8, snack at 10, lunch at 11:30 or noon, snack at 2:30 and dinner at 5.
Once you do that regularly (say for 2 weeks) then you can start piggybacking other things on to it-SLOWLY. Stuff that comes naturally to you. For me After breakfast is a good time to go up and gather laundry and start a load if i need too, your girls would love to help mommy carry some clothes, put them in the washer and add the detergent. Then set a timer and come back and put them in the dryer in an hour. Then either set the time again to fold them together or do that as your after snack routine.

Or maybe after lunch is when you all read stories or listen to a story cd or something quiet, l like to do puzzles so that might be another idea.

while you are making dinner they can have coloring time at the kitchen table so you are all together, and can talk if you feel like it.

But start small, with regular meals and go from there.

good luck

Hello A.,

I'm a parent coach and I've spent many years reading books about parenting, and I agree, there are few that will help everyone. One series I've found is the Love & Logic series, I've provided a link below. I think you'll find their website helpful, because they have a lot of quick one sheet parenting ideas which are easy to implement.
http://www.loveandlogic.com/

As for being a good Mom, first you need to take care of yourself. It you're a good Mom when your kids are at daycare part of the day, that's perfect. A good Mom knows her limits. It's also important to spend time with your kids, so figure out what time of day is best for you, (as in you can handle the stress kids sometimes bring), and devote that time to kids time. Also, what can you handle, all at once or one at a time. It's ok to have one child a day.

Now what do you want to do during the "kids time" I've found it's easiest to go to a park or play in the back yard when you have all 3 at once, but choose your park well. A park with 3 sections will be hard if all want to go to a different area.

Lastly, for those times when you're not handling the day well, it can be hard to say things that will correct kids behavior without hurting feelings. I suggest you set out in family areas words you can say when you're about to lose it, so you have written options to go to and you don't have to try to remember the "nice" words.

I want you to remeber the best Mom's seek help. That's what you're doing. Just be sure to follow through with the good advise you receive.

Best of luck

R. Magby

No you are not a bad Mom.
You have realized that you need to get healthy in order to keep your family healthy. I am going through some of what you describe, depression and anxiety. When I first realized I needed help, I called my doctor got on meds and called a therapist. I literally took it one moment at a time. I have to get out of bed, really, I have to get out of bed... I knew I felt like hell, but that my children had needs the must be met. Food, clothing, clean and safe were my goals at the beginning for my kids. For me it was please just let me make it until my husband gets home. Then one day, I got out of bed sooner than the entire previous week, it was progress. I added in things to do with the kids and home slowly - I was already overwhelmed with responsibility so if I tried to pile too much on I knew I was going to slide backwards. With the unconditional support of my husband, a good therapist and psychiatrist who got me on the right medications and dosages,I can say that every day gets better, although there is an occasional bad day. A day where the kids and Mom are in PJs all day watching TV because I just can't do any more. And you know what at the end of the day the kids are fed, happy, safe, and fairly clean and I have made it through one more day.
Having time for yourself will be a big thing to help you feel like a normal adult!
When you start feeling better, then start doing what feels fun with your girls. You can color one day, take a walk another day. Just keep up the work of getting you better and eventually you will feel like you are in the right place.
It's very hard to have the feelings you have when you are a Mom and depressed. But you have done the importnat thing and are getting yourself help.

I think every good mom asks herself if she is a good mom! The fact that you care if you are a good mom or not means you are, or are on the right track. I've asked myself countless times the very same thing!! You are not alone!!

So many times we see "examples" of perfect moms who spend the whole day cultivating their little ones with games, activities, and playing with them. Nice thought, and maybe some individuals can pull it off... I certainly can't. There are many times I tell my kids to go downstairs and watch a movie or go play by themselves. I used to think I was a bad mom for this, but now I know that is just insecurity talking.

What IS important is that I DO make some time for them, even if it is not constant. We snuggle while watching a movie, talk together about different things, occasionally color together (coloring books are FUN, haha!), sometimes make cookies, and sometimes read. We never do all in one day or even one every day. One thing you can make constant are hugs, kisses, and I love yous. If you can show them love, even for 5 minute chunks, you can fill up their little hearts enough to last until the next 5 minute chunk.

The part time day care and exercise will be SOOOO good for you!! You will get a break, some honest-to-God Mommy time! Go paint your nails, do a little kid-free cleaning, read a good book, and revel in your time for yourself. You will feel so much better when you pick them up and see their cute little faces! Take care of you, put them to bed early and have time to yourself, and then get some rest yourself! In order to take care of them, you must take care of you too!!

A schedule is good, just try not to start off too strict or structured. Pick a few big points during the day and then work from there. A big help for me was FlyLady.net. Very, VERY helpful! (It may look cheesy to you to start with, but bear with it, it is the most helpful thing I have ever come across!)

Keep your chin up, hun. I've been there (almost to the letter, depression, sending them away, not wanting to do ANYTHING, and dealing with massive amounts of guilt about it all, which of course made me MORE depressed!) and there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Just take one little step toward what you want, and keep on stepping and eventually it will get better!

PS. I agree with the other poster who said if you need help don't be afraid to get it. There is no rule that says you have to do it all, all on your own. :)

Just wanted to tell you that it sounds like you are a great mom. Good for you for taking care of yourself, so many of us forget to do that making us cranky bad moms. Even though it may seem like you are dealing with unusual mom things, it all sounds pretty usual to me. It sound to me like you are doing a great job. I know for myself that if I am tired, in a bad mood, stressed, or depressed... it is best for my girls to send them up stairs and play. It sound to me like you are doing all of the right things as I have found that making a schedule really helped our family and family time. I think when you have some time to yourself that will help too. A happy, healthy mom is a good mom. Don't let your own issues (weight and depression) get in the way of enjoying life. Make time for yourself away from the kids and I think you will find that you will look more forward to spending a few "mom" moments with them. It is very hard and overwhelming to be a mom. Laundry, dishes, homework, and then our own stuff... it seems like we are never done and can never sit down and do the things and take the time we use to be able to take for ourselves. I think you are the right track and I just wanted to say keep up the good work!

A., we can only do what we can do. With a little thought, we can sometimes do a little more. Your concern about your mothering suggest to me that you'd like to do a little more.

I've been through a couple of periods of depression, and I've found that lying around actually makes it worse. Any little intentional effort you make will give you a little more hope than making no effort. Watch your daughters when you do some small project with them, and that might give you the impetus to keep it up.

One other suggestion; while you're laying around, do read a parenting book or two. They generally have suggestions that have worked for all kinds of children. And they tend to be inspirational. And they will keep your mind off your helplessness and stress for a little while.

This is your one and only unique life. Whatever your emotional problems, your daughters legitimately need you. Make just a tiny bit of effort every day. I'll bet the results will surprise you.

The fact that you are asking this means you are a good mother. You see that something is amiss and you are trying to fix it. I too have days where I would rather just be alone and my girls watch a lot of TV. Sometimes the effort of getting ready to get out of the house to go do something is too much. So, I started reading books to my girls. We have a collection of over 100 books. On the days I feel I'm not doing enough and I don't have enough energy/desire to go out we sit and read together. It is time spent just us doing something we both can enjoy.
I also have a daughter who loves to help me clean. I try and let her "help" me. We are still spending time together plus, we are getting things done that need to be. Hang in there. Start small and don't try to do everything all in one day or you will reach burn out quickly.

Try to always ask yourself , if I were them what would I want my mommy to be like. Getting them outside to play is an excellent idea . Playing in a sandbox, going on nature walks and talking to them about what they see, taking them to parks, zoos and museums are always good activities. Also reading to them is so important. The half day of daycare is a great idea because they can have some social interaction and you can have much needed alone time. Then when you are together you can give them more quality time. Try to plan just one activity a day to start . This will help them to slowly get use to the idea that Mom is going to interact with them more. Make sure you eat right and take quality vitamins to support your mental health. You are on the right track . Good luck.

Hi there,
I also have a personality disorder, depression and survived a closed head injury, which makes me "not the normal mom" too.....I also grew up with a mentally ill mother so I was determined to do a better job for children than she was able to do. I so applaud you for taking concrete steps toward coping with your challenges in a conscious and responsible way. I also happen to be an Early Education and Development Specialist, Professional Nanny, and Consultant. I help families with young children overcome or compensate for their uniuqe situations when it affects the wellbeing of the family or any of the family members.
I'd be happy to speak with you on the phone or on email about working out a developmentally appropriate routine for your children that is "doable" for you and still allows you time for replenishing your own spirit. Let me know if I can help.
L. Harvey
Basic Trust :
Early Education and Parenting Resources
P.S I'm about to start a couple of support groups for mom geared toward helping working moms, sick moms, limited moms, and moms who want more educational knowledge of their babies and children to assist their learning at home. If you're interested, let me know and I'll consider getting one going soon.
L.

I think you need to love them and genuinely take an interest in them. If they are driving you crazy its because they are bored and crave attention. Also, once you better yourself, you will be a better role model for them. A happy mom creates happy kids.

just by trying to better yourself and acknowledging you need help your already a better mom.i was once like you butt where theres a will theres a way and girl you got the will....so dont give up youll get there one day...when you see your kids really happy with your progress it will give you even more will because to see the smile on there face when you spend time with them is priceless.

You are normal - believe it or not - these are the same questions I think we all ask ourselves.
I am a single mother and at times - I find myself wondering the same things. Sometimes I think - Am I always yelling at her - is she always in trouble - does she hate me?
Some things my daughter and I do are - (and these are nothing more than suggestions)
We cook together - she mixes the salad or puts in the stuff for mac and cheese after I drain the hot water - or I help her hold the blender for muffins and cakes - she scoops out the cake mix while I hold the bowl.... that sort of stuff.
We have movie night ever Monday - its the one night there isnt anything on TV I really want to watch so she pops in a movie she likes - like sound of music - we order in pizza or something and plop down and call it a night.

On the weekends we go to the park on nice days - I take a book while she plays - or I walk the track while she rides her bike - on cold weather days we make do with something inside - like computer days - she has educational games on her computer that I bought that do require internet access or we have story time or movie days or game time - but - we set how many times we play the games. and with more than one kid - I would divide the time - let each one have mommy time while the others have movie time or something.
Good luck!!!

Hi, I am going to assume some things. I hope it doesn't offend you but my answer depends on me doing so. I am going to assume you are getting SSI because you stated you are home all day and have a Personality Disorder. So, if I am wrong I sincerely apologize. My answers are going to focus on things that people who are lower income have available.

If your income is low enough go to your local health department and ask if they offer PCIT training. It is Parent Child Interaction Training. You take your kids in to meetings and learn how to have special time with them and color, play with Play Doh, build blocks, play Potato Heads, etc...it helps teach parent to spend time with their kids and the person at our health department that we do PCIT with is a Licensed Psychologist. It is amazing what a difference it makes to our family dynamics after doing this class with our oldest and now we are starting it with our 3yr. old.

You definantly need to have a good plan at your local Mental Health Facility. I have depression and my husband has Schiziod Personality Disorder. We have Case Managers instead of therapists because we don't really need to work through issues, just more of an overseer who coordinates our med check-ups and helps us if we have issues come up.

We also took "Love and Logic" classes at the facility through Circle of Friends, our case managers set it up for us. That helped me more than anything. I think Logically and it makes sense to me that kids learn that way.

If you can drive I recommend you get your kids involved in sports and other things after school. Again, if you are low income there are usually scholorships available for families. We do T-Ball, Soccer, gymnastics, and dance. I am only able to get the kids in these activites because others are kind and make it possible. For some of the scholorships they ask that we volunteerto help others too. I usually make phone calls to parents abouttournaments and beginng of the season scheduling stuff. We also help clean at the gym to pay for some of those classes.

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and recognize you need to make changes. I think you will do well if you get the help you need and focus on getting yourself better and helping your family too.

I don't have a schedule to PM you , but just wanted to say that any little thing you do with your kids is noticed by them. Even sitting and watching a movie with them. My kids like it if I read to them (I let them pick the book). They like is also if we buy $1 crafts from Michaels and we sit and do them together. We also buy plain sugar cookies and we decorate them (enjoyable to do together).

I hope this helps and I hope you feel better soon

Hi A.,
How brave of you to ask for help. I am a parent educator and a healer (and a mom myself) and I know the challenges of parenting even when someone is not battling their own issues.

Some resources.....I would highly recommend the book Redirecting Children's Behavior by Kathryn Kvols. It is the companion to the paenting course and if you are in the Austin area, there are several of us teaching it. RCB is an easy read and the course is so fun and engaging; you would get support for yourself in the class.

Another resource to help with all kinds of emotional distress is Emotional Freedom Techniques: emofree.com. On the website you can download a manual to learn the techniques for free.
Blessings to you and your family.
K.

I applaud you for trying to better things for you and your children. Its not an easy thing to do. By no means are you a bad mom.

I recommend a book called The Five Love Languages of Children. It will help you see how your children (each very different) feel loved by you the most. One child might feel loved by you the most by just touching them. So that makes it easier to just sit on the couch with your arm around them and watch their favorite movie, or the other might feel most love when you spend time with them. So with that one you can play with them or color or even just let them talk your ear off for 15 min. ( my daughter is this one). We get so caught up in trying to show our kids we love them in the way we think. Its not always what they think love is. Its what they think love is or it won't be effective. It saves a lot of time and extra effort to be able to focus specifically on how they feel loved. There are also versions of this book for marraiges, singles, teens and a couple more I don't remember. Its a very easy read.

Also remember your not wonderwomen. We can't possibly do everything on our own. I know it will take extra effort now but teach your kids to help you do chores. My 5yr old has been cleaning her room and loft by herself since she was 2. She made the mess she needs to clean it! She is also responsible for sorting the laundry(she loves sorting) and helping to set the table at dinner as well as pick up anything she left lying around. My 8 yr old is responsible for folding and hanging his own laundry, trash every night, trash days he takes it outside, sometimes he cleans the restroom, changes his own sheets, cleans his room, gets drinks at dinner, and sometimes loads and unloads the dishwasher. Sounds like a lot but I have taught him to do these things over time. It helps me out as well as teaches him life skills.(I also give him allowance for his chores) To make it easier for all of us I made a weekly chore chart. For my little one it shows pictures instead of words so she knows what needs to be done and I'm not constantly saying did you do this, did you do that? I just say you can't play till your chores are done. This does take a lot of effort for the little ones cause you have to be there with them saying , pick that up and put it there. But in a short time they will be doing it on there own. Also if you have the space, set aside one room for a playroom and tell them that is the only place they can play and pull their stuff out. That way all the mess is in one place. Of course it will take a while for them to stop taking things all over the house.

First there is no book to help you ne a better mom. There are books that give tips. tricks etc....
You are on the right way by knowing you need and getting help. The most important thing your children need is time with mom, Some people enjoy playing with children some do not- that is bottom line. You love them, but maybe do not know how to just relax and play with them. There are so many things you can do. Blow bubbles, play with play dough, take them to the park, read, color, puzzles, you can even watch movies/ tv with them cuddled up in your lap. Even just sit down on the floor and just hold them. Children need to be touched and held,,, So does mom for that matter.

Children are going to destroy the house ( I have 4 of them still at home) While they have their chores, they can make messes faster than I can clean them up.LOL. When it gets messy we sing the Barney clean up song and everyone picks up stuff and puts it where it goes.

I will say a happy, calm mommy makes for happy calm kids- they pick up pn your emotions. Helping yourself is the best way to help them. You can email me at ____@____.com and I have IM but not on much.

Just keep in mind that you love them and will do anything for them. That means that if they want to play with you then you should play with them. I know that motherhood can be stressful at times, but hang in there and remember you love them. I know I keep reiterating that, but it works if you remind yourself of it.

Just the fact that you are asking this question lets me know that you are not a bad mom. If you are trying to better yourself for them then you are doing the right thing. I never was one for schedules, but I did like to take my kids for walks when I could or down to a park every so often. I personally liked to make it more of a treat then an everyday chore. I also would sometimes do something in the evenings with my whole family, like watching a family movie together. Something they like, which sometimes means a cartoon, but that's ok. Sometimes we would do the whole popcorn and such, and sometimes I did this thing called a floor picnic. Where I would put down a sheet on the floor, and let them eat their dinner there while we watched a movie. I just had to make sure it was a dinner that wasn't overly messy. They loved it. My kids are now a bit older and still ask for floor picnics. Coloring with your children is always fun too. I did that sometimes. I also felt the way you do some of the times. But I came to realize that my children know that I love them. That I do things with them sometimes that aren't conventional, but I think it's made them unique and I love that. Sometimes we would just put the radio on in the living room and dance. All of us just dance for the fun of it. They love that, especially at the ages yours are at. I know it's different, but it's what we do. I let them be theirselves, and hopefully I'm doing the right thing for them. Just go with your gut. Try something new. Try to smile and maybe getting a little free time will help you to feel more appreciative of the time you get to spend with them. I think that always helped me. I was in a much better mood when I got sometime to myself too. It's important to have you time to go with the time you spend with them. Life is a balancing act. LOL. Hope this helps! Good luck. I didn't read any books, so sometimes I think it's just important to do what works for you and them. As you said, every child is different.

Dear A., you are doing good in asking for input. Talk to yourself nicely and you will notice a difference. Listen to positive Christian music and know that you are worthy, capable and loved. I'll be praying for you. Best wishes!

I also have three daughters. Take care.

I have been depressed all my life, I barley found out I am bi polar, which is very hard to live with. When you are a single mother and you have all the responsiblities of both parents makes for a hard life. It is always better to plan, but sometimes you have to go with the now situation. Do it when you got the feeling to go...I did not have a lot of money so I would take the kids to a oark where there were lots of stuff to play on. You can get quiet time when they are playing. I love to feed the ducks another free thing if you have bread or if not go buy a box of crakers...Or go to the zoo. Not being able to cope with things around you is normal, you just want to hide from the world. Kids are great but they can be hard sometimes. It is good you are taking them to day care to have some self time. My kids are the ones that kept me alive. Knowing that they need me, kept me going. I hope you feel better and life gets better for you. Find the med that work for you and if it doesn't tell your doc. he will help get you on something that works for you. I am praying for you. I have just written a new book called Dark Clouds and Silver Linings you can see it on www.kob.com good day new mexico....It is a poem book about my sturggles with my life and how there are silver linings for every dark cloud. I hope you get better and feel better soon. my e-mail is ____@____.com

I am a good mom because of daycare. I admire the moms who can do it all. I am older and just don't have the energy I once had. Daycare did WONDERS for schedule around our house. However, finding the right and quality daycare can be a chore.

The biggest thing you can do to be a good mother is to accept your deficiets and downfalls and find a way to fill in the gap. I have very quality time with my kids when they are not at daycare and it just gives the balance for healthier living.

Another tip to spending time with them is to set a kitchen timer to say I can play with you in "ten minutes." Then set the timer for a certain amount of time to play and engage with them. You'll find it's not so taxing and just a little bit if time with them will be instrumental in their development. They do need some of your time and engagement. I know it's hard right now and just a little chunck of time here and there will go so far. Be sure to spend that time hugging and telling them how much you love them.
Good luck to you.

I've asked myself that question and I'm sure many other moms have done so as well. It is stressful. The fact that you asked, proves your concern and you obviously want what's best for you and your little ones. It is extremely challenging to be a mother, but also a blessing. Take care of yourself and spend as much time as you can with your children. Ask them what they like : softball, soccer, puzzles, etc. and make time to do that with them. If it is an outdoor activity then that would be a work out for you (my 7 yr. old and I love to walk the parks) and an energy burner for them. Also, something that we do almost on a daily basis is prepare dinner together and chat about many things (my childhood memories, movies, books, etc.) I hope some of these help.

Appreciate the privilege of being a mom. I wish you the best.
Cheers. E.

A.,

Good for you! It sounds like you are totally on the right path to loving yourself! You have already thought of some great ideas to help you be a better mom. Taking care of yourself by losing weight and exercising are so important. Don't forget about getting enough SLEEP too! Finding activities that you and your children enjoy doing together are great ideas. Coloring together, dancing, playing a game, reading, etc. will only take 10 or 20 minutes of your time, but will be the means of making memories for your children. They will remember those times and be able to say, "My mommy plays with me!" Just start with 10 minutes a day of this kind of quality time. Also, just getting outside for some sunshine and exercise at the park with your kids will be so good for you all.

I would recommend reading the book Sink Reflections from the FLY Lady (aka Marla Cilley). She gives you some great ideas about how to de-clutter your house and keep it clean. All of us moms struggle with this. Hang in there! Good luck!

i would like to recommend a book to you that i got from a friend this xmas, it's called "i was a good mom before i had kids".......we all have things we can improve on but also remember no one is perfect & sometimes us women put so much pressure on ourselves for not being perfect. this book will help you realize you are not perfect & shouldnt pretend to be. us moms can have melt downs too. please take the time to read this book, it's a fast read but it will make you feel tons better, maybe more so than a therapist :) best wishes

and no your not a bad mom

SO MANY moms have the same questions...even if they do not have other issues as you have described.

Your children want to know you love and treasure them. I think it is great to get them involved at least part time with outside care so they have some time away from you (Mommy time) and social time for them.

This time is year really sucks because the sun is not out as much and it is not as much fun to go to the park, play, picnic, etc.

Start by making small steps and making adjustments so you don't overwhelm yourself or your children. Spend time with each of them privately as well. I can't give much info on that because I have an only child and she is my world.... (yes I have ME time....ALL moms should make time for ME time)

GOOD for you because you realize the importance you are to your children...that means you are a mom who does care about her children "Good Mom".

Hang in there. Best wishes.

that is good. first thing's first take care of yourself. healthy mom-healthy family. you will make baby steps afterwards. start little. i think too much planning will overwhelm you if you haven't been doing this all along.
so, with the two little ones, make yourself available for 1 hr in the morning after breakfast. and choose what you want to do: you can play playdough. or you can play a game board. show excitement (even if there is none). 1 hr will be too much for just one game, so either choose a book and sit down and read it to them or play 'performing.' sometimes when i am too tired to physically play with my kids, i organize a performance thing, where i ask my two girls to talk about themselves and what they love to do and then ask them to either recite something, sing something, or tell me a story. and then go around like that. you'll be first or last. come up with a story to tell them.
then let them play w/ each other.
after lunch put a 30 min show, while you gather some energy. then do something for another hour. if the weather is good go outside draw a hopscotch thingie and take turns. or take them to local library or bookstore. get some coffee for yourself and let them play at the kids area. choose a book sit and read it to them.
like i said baby steps. nobody expects you to spend every waking moment entertaining but twice a day for start is great.
good luck to you.
L.