Dear A., this does sound like a trying time for you! Whenever our children change their behavior, especially in a more challenging way, we can't help but feel concerned, and sometimes overwhelmed. It is essential if we are to parent appropriately, that we understand that children inevitably (and necessarily) go through different developmental atages, which present different challenges and during which children have different needs. Notice I used the word NEEDS; as distinguished from wants. Ignoring a need does not make it go away! This is not about power or control or showing a little person who is the boss (believe me, they all know anyway!), this is a loving relationship between you and your baby. We don't (at least I hope we don't) characterize or view adult relationships in this way, so why do we constantly do it with children?
Children do have a greater understood than spoken vocabulary, but a child of this age is not cognitively able to understand rational explanations.It is typical around the age for children to develop separation anxiety, and also to experience heightened stranger anxiety. Even if it is someone your baby knows (and I use the word baby intentionally,, because a one-year-old is still a baby!) he will still prefer you to all others. It is sad that we view this as inappropriate dependence in our young children, when really it is a sign of secure attachment. Research demonstrates that it is the insecurely attached children, who have had no opportunity to bond with a consistent caregiver, who indicate little preference about whom they are with. And yet we mistakenly view this behavior as being a 'good" or "independent" (another positive word in our cultural view)baby!
Your child is more aware as he develops that daddy comes and goes. You are of necessity in this situation(and this is as nature intended), the most consistent person in his life. Deep attachment to a parent (or the primary caretaker, whoever that may be)is the basis of longterm emotional health. Don;t overlook the word longterm! Parenting is a longterm investment, and we have to trust that the time and effort and sactrifice we make now will pay off in the future. Through his relationship with you, your baby learns about love and trust and intimacy, and this relationship will be a role model for all others that follow. he will also learn about respect, because our children's needs should be respected and taken seriously just as we want our needs to be taken seriously with our loved ones as well. I believe their is too much emphasis on trying to teach our children to respect us, and not enough on demonstrating that we respect them as human beings.
So try to recognize that this is a stage that will pass and try to modify your behavior to accommodate it as much as you realistically can. As adults we can do this much more easily than children, evne if it is difficult at times. When you move to another room briefly, keep talking to him abut what you are doing and that you are coming right back. Involve him in your activities as much as possible, as another mom suggested. Yes this takes more time, thought and energy, but that is what being a parent means. You do not need to 'break" him of this behavior before the baby comes. The more investment of time and attention you give him now, the more secure he will be and the better able to handle the presence of another baby, though this is challenging to all children, no matter their age.
So good luck, and try to be patient with him. Pace yourself, prioritize your commitments and activities, and enjoy your baby for who he is. This too shall pass! My years of raising 5 children seem to have gone by in a blur, and now my baby is almost 17. I do miss those early days, and have absolutely no regrets that I tried to meet their needs as best I could...
J.
