Alternating Weeks

When my kids were young there was always one lost day when they came home from dad's house. It did not matter if it was after two days or after the five day weekend. It was always one day and I mostly solved it with a very early bed time.

When they got to be 9 and 11 they handled it much better, no change really. Now that they are teens they only go over there on his weekend.

So far as the pot goes you would be amazed who you know that smokes pot. You just don't know because it isn't like they light up around everyone, kids included. It isn't like smoking where you need a cigarette every fifteen minutes, it is like drinking, you do it to relax.

My niece and nephew lived one week with their mother and the other with their father. They live only a mile apart.

There were times that things (business trips) would come up and for whatever reason they might have to change days or swap etc.. but it worked. If a child REALLY missed a parent they were allowed to call them at any time and to request to see that parent.

When my niece was injured at school, she wanted her mom.. so that is who they called even though it was dads week. My sister called her ex on her way over to let him know what had happened.

The kids had their own bedrooms at both homes. They were not guest in either house. They had chores at each. They had their own clothing at both homes and there were not "dads clothes" and "moms clothes". They were the kids clothes to wear and take back and forth as they wanted.

They kept toothbrushes, shampoo, hair brushes,, etc at both homes, so they generally, were not lugging luggage all of the time. There were times they forgot something so they dealt with that..

The kids had sleepovers at each home, they had birthday parties at the different homes depending on how it fell on the calendar.

In the beginning my sister would bicker with her ex at pick ups and drop offs. She made it hard for the kids. They would cry and be so upset, And when her ex announced he would be remarrying.. she totally lost it. Even though, she is the one that had wanted the divorce in the first place..

This is when I told her she needed to not do this, to remember our childhood (it was just like the way our parents acted when we were children). She did not appreciate my opinions and that lead to her telling me to stay away from her and the kids. Thank goodness the kids father and second wife have been gracious about allowing me to see the kids,.

One thing to remember is that you have your way of doing things and he has his way. Your daughter will adapt. He is just as much her parent as you are.

I assume this sister will not be smoking pot or anything around your child.
And certainly never driving under the influence of anything when driving.

But if you are concerned just mention, "Is this babysitter the sister you told me smokes pot? " "I am sure you will speak with her about not smoking around daughter or driving her around if she is under the influence of anything. "

I know it is hard for you to not have your daughter all of the time and now every other week. The best thing to do is find something to do on your own. Exercise, join a book club, entertain friends, volunteer, or just enjoy some private time for yourself.

well, it could be worse. and there aren't many non-cumbersome ways to assure that a child gets to spend a reasonable amount of time with each parent unless it's split like this.
try to keep the lines of communication open with him, ie keep the frustration out of your voice and address issues as calmly and matter-of-factly as possible. keep discussions limited to really important matters. a lot of things will sort themselves out naturally as you all begin to fall into a routine.
it's not ideal, but it's still way better than staying married to this guy.
keep calm and soldier on, and vent here when you need to.
khairete
S.

My niece has been doing one week with each parent since she was little. It has always been fine, and the best part is she gets to have a real relationship with both parents and the siblings from each side, not just an "every other weekend" relationship.

As for the sister, I am sure you are overreacting. Most adult people who do smoke don't smoke all day every day. Adults that smoke pot tend to do it as more of an occasional relaxation thing, similar to having a glass or two of wine in the evening. They do not tend to spend all day messed up. He is her father, you have to trust him to act as such.

Kids are more flexible than parents. They only thing you can do is give it your best shot (staying positive) and make adjustments to the things that don't work.

My sis is going through a divorce and she and her ex are the ones making it difficult. I actually feel bad for their kids, but the kids are handling it the best!

When I was growing up, we went to my mom's house every other weekend, and then for 6 weeks straight in the summer. It wasn't too bad. (Though, it was a straight block, not alternating weeks..)

Also... I just want to say that I know quite a few people who smoke pot. While I myself don't agree with or smoke it myself, I would absolutely trust my child with them. (On the STRICT condition that they do not smoke around my child, and are not high when with her.)

Let the man be a father. Really, truly.

If it were me I would have given him the summer. After all, fathers are important, too.

Oh and just because the girlfriend's sister "smokes pot" doesn't mean she'll be doing so around your daughter.

It just takes a lot of coordination. You have to make sure nothing gets left behind and that your daughter has everything she needs when she switches houses. It would help a lot if she could find a way to make some friends in her dad's neighborhood so she isn't too bored on the weeks that she is there.

Does he know how tired and cranky she is after a weekend with him? Is there a way you can tell him nicely that she does well with a set bedtime - even if it's 30-60 minutes later at his house - so she isn't as tired in the mornings? Is she old enough to tell him any of it herself?

Since he has already said he's not ok with the sister smoking pot, let him handle it. He will either make sure she stays clean around your daughter or he'll figure out a better childcare situation.

Also, since she will be there for longer periods of time, make sure that both houses feel like home. Does she have special things at her dad's that she looks forward to playing with/using at his house? If not, let her pick some things to have over there so she feels like she really lives there, rather than feeling like a visitor.

Do you have a "right of first refusal" clause in your divorce agreement? If so, then you can watch your own daughter while dad is at work and return her when he gets home.

I guess you also have to consider whether she smoked 'pot' in the past when you were married to him and she was a wild teenager, or two weeks ago with your daughter in tow. The truth is people will do all sort of things while our children aren't with us that can be bad examples or outright irresponsible. If you have instilled values into your daughter you know she will let you know what's happening and also make good choices.
I remember when I was divorced I wanted to have the kids all the time at first and believe me looking back I am not sure why I fought for it so much. I was so stressed from working and taking care of them, very unhealthy. Make sure you get time for you, your friends, a bubble bath and a sit on a beach. Kids as they grow are cranky and it isn't always because they don't have an assigned bedtime. There is peer pressure, homework due, activities that wear them out and sometimes making bad food choices. No rules are going to change all of that. It's life. Good luck~!

See how it goes for a while. She may have a blast.

How I'd handle the smoking thing. I'd tell kiddo to watch for babysitter to roll her own and light up. If kiddo had a phone she could call you and say "Hey, it's happening now" then you could call for a welfare check by the police. Once they come to the door to check they'll smell it and arrest her. Kiddo will go to child welfare but you'll be able to go pick her up.

Arrest will go on court record against him and it will be better for you.

If kiddo is young then you're sort of out of luck.