Almost Four Yr Old Who Will Not Listen

Time out! 4 minutes for her age. Find a stool or chair and put her facing the wall. Give her 1 warning, except in cases of hitting and outright disobediance. After the warning say "Time out" physically lead her to the spot and put her in it. After time is up remind her why she was put there and ask for an apology. If she gets out of the spot before you come and get her then start the 4 min all over again but say nothing to her, just put her back. Be prepared for a lot of noise (don't pay attention to it) and escape attempts but eventually she will get the clue that there are consiquences for behavior! I dont put them in their room due to the fact that toys and what not are in there to distract her. I use the hall way where there is nothing to look at.

Boy can I relate! My daughter just turned 4 and everything you have stated sounds so familiar and has been for over a year. Are there other behaviors you are noticing in her such as:

Separation anxiety
Rages & explosive temper tantrums (lasting up to several hours)
Marked irritability
Oppositional behavior
Frequent mood swings
Distractibility
Hyperactivity
Impulsivity
Restlessness/ fidgetiness
Silliness, goofiness, giddiness
Racing thoughts
Aggressive behavior
Grandiosity
Carbohydrate cravings
Risk-taking behaviors
Depressed mood
Lethargy
Low self-esteem
Difficulty getting up in the morning
Social anxiety
Oversensitivity to emotional or environmental triggers

If yes to more than 3 or 4 and there may be a more serious underlying issue at work as we are beginning to discover/uncover with our daugther. We are still trying to figure "what to do" as well so I am curious to see what others say and suggest. Hang in there....I know how CRAZY it can be and feel.

If you think this if frustrating you haven't seen anything yet, just think what life will be like when she's 8, 13, 16? None of the things you mention help and never have helped anyone. Children reflect the people they're with and they're enviornment. TV is a huge No,No, this alone causes children to act out even when they only watch children programing, this is a well known fact. Educating yourself on the phases of childhood is imperative so you can practice acting appropriate to her age. This isn't always easy but if you practice a calm, loving voice it will make you calm first and then her. If you change she will change. There is a lot going on here and it would take a volume to fill all the aspects that can be talked about. Is she with the best situation at her daycare? Maybe she needs a different teacher and setting. Maybe she needs a home setting with just the "right" person for her. Four year olds are much different than 3s', they see the world in a whole new way than theydidbefore and much of what they discover as a 4 year old will depend on what has taken place up to now. When you speak to her be sure you have her attention first, do not speak out from your chair or another room, go up to her and quietly, firmly and gently speak to her. If she will not pay attention, simply stop speaking. Sooner or later she'll get the picture that you're not speaking until she's ready to listen. When my 5 year old was 4 she started to not listen and I would sit down in front of her and then speak, when she wouldn't pay attention, I would say, you may look at grandma now, she would and then I would speak my piece. Going through this is miserable for both you and your child. Stop the maddness and arm yourself with lots of love and education. There are a lot of good books out there just waiting to be read.

I have a 4 year old and I know the feeling. I try to praise him when I catch him doing something right, and if someone else at a play date displays behavior that we desire, I immediately call it to his attention. I try to talk a lot about feelings and how it makes me feel if he acts in a certain way. If he won't share with his sister, we talk about how he feels when someone will not share with him. It's simple but it seems to work.

When all of the positive reinforcement in the world still won't cut it, we put him in time out. He typically has 2 timeout locations, the bottom of the stairs or (the dreaded) bedroom time out. Lately what has worked for me is counting. When he misbehaves I tell him that he needs a time out, then I start counting "1, that's 1 minute of time out, 2, that's 2 minutes of timeout, 3, etc...". This strategy has really worked much better for me because he is realizing that the faster he acts, the sooner the timeout will be over. It is also great because he is done more quickly, in a better mood, and we can discuss what he did wrong right then.

Hope this helps some! Hang in there!

The book: "Have A New Kid By Friday" is real great!
You can get it on Amazon or E-bay even.
It is useful practical tips and non-punitive and not derogatory.
It is an easy read.

Also, does your girl... have good communication skills? Does she know how to express her 'feelings'??? If not, teach her. Kids this age, NEED to know how to express themselves, good or bad, and that someone will 'hear' them... it helps to make them feel more at peace.

Your girl seems frustrated and does not have 'coping-skills' to handle her emotions.. So teach her....
Kids do not have automatic instinctual knowledge, about "how" to manage or navigate their feelings or frustrations....

Or just ask her: "What is bothering you?"
"What is wrong?"
"Why are you angry?"
"How can we help you?"
"What is your solution when you act mean?"
talk it out.... and WITH her as a "team".... and then maybe she will feel more compliant... and not at a loss of how to act....

If/When my kids are super "icky" and not listening... I tell them "If you cannot cooperate, then don't expect Mommy to cooperate with you, either...." Then I walk away. They may tantrum, and so be it. But they know... that I mean business. And I do, what I say.
I teach them... FAMILY is a "team." They are not adults... they need a Mommy.. .and that means, cooperating... and being a family MEMBER.

all the best,
Susan

Some children have unusual challenges that make it hard for them to relate and react to situations normally. But your stepdaughter could be within the range of "normal." It's a challenging age for all kids.

There is a wealth of wonderful coaching available in my current favorite book by by Faber and Mazlish: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The methods make for good emotional connections, resulting in happy, cooperative and (mostly) obedient children.

Also the book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, and the concept of Emotion Coaching, another term you can google for lots of useful information. (Here's one good link to get you started: http://www.education.com/reference/article/important-pare... .)

I use the empathetic approach with my grandson, and because he knows I'm on his side emotionally, he's willing to be on my side, too. He's a happy, polite, and cooperative kid. We seldom have to even get stern with him.