Almost 5Yo Afraid of Dying

Is she extra intelligent? My older son is and has always had a fear of dying- a fear of heaven and mostly a fear of anything being eternity-either in a happy or a sad place. I hate it b/c I don't have any answers that help. Thankfully he is not always obsessed with it....the thoughts seem to come and go.

I remember having fears of death somewhere between the ages of 3-5 (some of my earliest memories), and again when I was around 11 (a normal stage). And now that I'm in my 60's, it's a common topic/fear among my peers.

To be overwhelmed by fear is probably not normal. If a few calm conversations with your daughter don't help her, she may do better with some counseling.

But I'd like to suggest that you don't try to convince her that her fear is silly, or unfounded, or "that there is nothing to be afraid of," or that "you won't die for a very long time." It's very real for her, and you can't know she won't be hit by a truck tomorrow, and none of those intellectual arguments will reach the place in her emotions where the fear is living. It would be better to give her some calm, supportive listening, and let her talk/cry her way through to some sort of resolution of her own.

Just offer quiet answers to her statements, like "Yes, sweetheart, I hear how worried you are," or "Hmm, I see." Hold her if she wants that. Eventually she will "spend" much of her anxiety, and then you can share your own feelings (admit to fear if you have it so she will see that it's possible to live with it), and share any stories/understandings/spiritual teachings you have about death.

One of the things that helped me the most was realizing that death would take me back to the place I came out of when I was conceived. Since I had no awareness of being afraid before I was born, I wasn't too likely to have fear after I died.

I think it's perfectly normal for anyone of any age to wonder about and be fearful about.

I would probably have a question/answer thing with her and let her ask questions and answer as truthfully as you're able. If you don't know the answer to something, like if there's an afterlife but your religion believes there is, be truthful about that. If there's something you seriously flat out don't know be honest about that too. I sometimes answer questions with, "Well, I don't know for sure, but I know that some people believe _____."

I would also answer ONLY what she literally actually asks you about and do not expand on the answer. Ask after each answer, "Do you think you understand? Do you have a question about that?" If she runs out of questions then let her know you're ready when she is to talk again.

I do this pretty much with any heavy topic under the sun.

Hi R.,

We've been having some discussions around this topic in our house. My son is four and a baby in our community died recently. (It was a younger sibling of a preschool mate.)

We have been trying to keep the answers simple and clear. Why do people and animals die? "Their body stopped working." Simple, one line statements that directly answer the questions without a lot of detail can help.

Most of all, I try to help my son by just reminding him that 'he's going to live a long, long time, and so is mama and so is daddy. We are going to wake up in the mornings, and go to sleep at night, and tomorrow, we are going to do it all over again.' This isn't as accurate, per se, as telling a child that "we all have our time" or "Some people live short lives, and others live longer ones". What children want is reassurance from us (the all-knowing parent) that they aren't going to die in the here and now.

Our family isn't of any particular faith, and I am not a believer in afterlife, so I'll be explaining that to my son only when he asks about it. In the meantime, I'm just trying to answer his questions when they arise as reassuringly and simply as I can, and give him lots of physical and emotional support (hugs, listening) and availability when those harder moments of fear come up. That's all I can do.

My daughter used to think about things to such an extent that she would scare herself really bad. Some kids are very curious about things. It is just their personality. My boys never were. My daughter grew out of things like that but she is still a very intense thinker.

I have a feeling it is normal. My four year old asks lots of questions about death. He has asked what happens when you don't want to be in heaven anymore. And he's said that he wouldn't want to go to heaven if we weren't there with him. Lots of little things that make you realize that he thinks about it. He hasn't gotten so upset about it but he has seemed sad about it. It's really hard to find the right answers! Good luck and I really think this is normal for the age. Good luck!

My 19 year old son when through that when he was 3. He would cry and shake. I had developed a fear when my grandmother died when I was four. The way it was explained to me was what caused the fear. I had planned to handle it better when my son was old enough to grasp the concept, so it totally blindsided me when it developed at 3. We prayed together and had long talks about our faith and I had our minister talk to him. It lasted a couple of months. Then he was ok and now has no fear.

I'm going to back when I was little-I was the same way. For me it started at about 6-7 years old when I was in school. At the time my parents were considered 'old"...they were 38-39 when I was born-totally uncommon 38 years ago. Now I'm there age with two toddlers!

Anyway-the kids at school would tease me and tell me my parents were old and going to die soon. Nice, huh? I would do the same thing, cry, scream at night and be unconsolable telling my mom that I didn't want her to die.

My mom would hug me, sit with me in bed and tell me that she wasn't going anywhere, but no matter what she would always be my angel watching over me. It helped. I was still scared, but it gave me comfort on some level that she would always be there somehow-and at that age that comforted me.

Maybe explaining that to her somehow-will help. That she's not going anywhere, but when people die they become angels and never really leave...

I dunno-hope this helps some how.