All My 7 Year Old Cares About Is Playing with Friends

Good morning J.! We have the same problem and I actually felt like I was the neighborhood babysitter because we would have the same friends come over every day. I also felt like you did and I am excited that my son is social, but on the other hand I wanted time with him. We also had the same issue at soccer practice and so I talked with the coach and made it clear to him that I wanted my son to practice and that it was OK with me that he get on to him and made him pay attention. That worked a little bit because he tends to listen to other people better than me. I also started trying to reward him with stickers on his chart for every practice that his coach does not have to get on to him and that works as well. The chart consist of 30 squares to which he has to completely fill with stickers and then he gets to go somewhere special or get a special treat. I have him pick the special item before he starts to fill it up with stickers and that gives me a little amo to use if he starts acting up. With regards to the friends, we have made a rule that from the time he gets out of school (which is 3:00) until 4:00, he has to spend quite time with me doing his homework and talking about his day. Then from 4:00 to 5:30 he is allowed to have friends over and play(this also allows me time to get supper cooked) and then the friends have to go home after that. On Fridays we do allow the friends to come back over after we eat supper for about another hour. There is however those few kids in the neighborhood that dont follow the rules and so we have two signs that we put on our front door. The first one states that it is Hunter's quite time and they can come back after 4:00 and the other one says that it is our supper/family time and they need to come back tomorrow. Most of the time this works and sometimes they still ring the door bell, but we dont answer the door and they eventually go away. Most of the kids know the rules now and so if you will do this for about two weeks then I dont think you will have any issues anymore. It has also helped my son too because I have seen that when he has that down time after school, that he is less irritable in the evenings. It has also helped with doing his homework because he now has an incentive to get his work done and do it right the first time so that he can play at 4:00. Anyway, I hope this helps you and good luck.

Hi J.-

As a former school teacher my best guess is that he is starting to find school more challenging and is not feeling that confident or successful at it. On the flipside, when he's with his friends he is popular and finds play to be very natural and he's good at it. My suggestion is to help him find balance. Do you have a schedule for after school? He needs to have a set playtime to be with his friends or just doing kid stuff around the house but then he needs a set time to work on his school work. It's also ok for you to say no when friends drop by at inconvenient times or if you want to designate a couple of days a week as family days, no friends allowed. He'll complain a lot in the beginning but if you try to make these days special for him, he'll learn that he can enjoy his friends and he can enjoy his family and hopefully he'll learn to even enjoy school work.

Good Luck,
K.

We went through this with my 7 yr old. He literally doesn't even want to get in the car to go out to dinner because he would rather play with his friends. He is the youngest of 4 kids and he would literally cry all the way to dinner until it totally ruined the evening for everyone! He didn't want to do school work, home work, chores, etc. All I can say is "Stay Strong and Persevere!" He will get past it. We actually had a problem with his grades last year. He turned 8 in May and is in 3rd grade now with mostly As and some Bs. He really has turned around. At some point it is very frustrating.....if you pick your battles, you can both make it through without losing your sanity. Good luck!

I think this means your son is a social, friendly kid-Yea!! My son is very shy. Thank your lucky stars. Playing is what 7 year olds are supposed to be doing. I am a clinical social worker who works with children. Children these days do not get enough chances to just play!!
Too many team sports, academics are too rigorous, many of their activities are too adult driven. Let him play! He sounds like a great kid!
Good Luck!
D.

P.S. His teacher needs to make the "math challenge" fun and creative. Otherwise-Yuk!

Hi,
I think that maybe your son need help in understanding that you can't always "play" with your friends. What if mommy wanted to "play" and that's why dinner didn't get made, or the laundry doen etc... In that situation, I wouldn't have let him go out and play. There is nothing wrong with down time. We all need it and kids probably do moreso. Maybe you could try setting one day a week that has no activites, friends or outside commitments( hard to do I know) and see if that helps at all.
Good luck.
L.

My seven year old daughter is the same. It's normal, but scary. She is so attached and bored unless someone is there to play with. I have personally decided to keep reminding her of the values I think are important. Only boring people get bored. You can have fun by yourself. Etc. I also plan to spend time with her myself - but you will have to insist on it and maybe change locations for that afternoon or set up a special project together. You could also set up time limits or days on/off. Regarding the soccer - I would just let him choose. If he just wants to play, then you promise to set up times where he can play with those friends. But, if wants to play soccer, then he needs to pay attention to the game when at practice/games, because it costs you money. Otherwise, if the coach doesn't mind, then I wouldn't worry too much about it, just curb it somewhat. I have to remind myself that this is a good time to reinforce social values. It provides great opportunities for us to train our children well. If they didn't go through this and were hermits, we wouldn't have as many opportunities to teach them important social lessons. Like what good friends are, how much we should try to impress and when not to care, etc. Sometimes, I also sit outside with them as they play and try to get in a magazine read time. It allows me to watch how they play, get to know their friends, and my kids actually love it when I do it. They seem much happier and don't mind playing by themselves if I'm outside with them, even when I'm not playing with them.

J.,
Sounds like you need to teach him the word No.So what if he cries.Then you discipline for throwing a tantrum by grounding him and not letting him play w/his friends for a couple of days.Stick to you guns and don't back down.I know it'll work cause i dealt with mine last year when he was seven for the same reason and stuck by what i said cause im the parent and it worked.Don't give in or you won't be taken seriously.
Crying can be annoying but its more annoying putting up w/the nonsense that ruins your evenings and making everyone else annoyed.
It'll take a few time before he gets the message that your not putting up w/his nonsense that he wants what he wants when he wants.

Your post brings back memories! My son was in soccer and he had more fun goofing around with the boys on the team then actually playing soccer. As with most activities he has participated in, he seeks out friends. Cub scouts seemed to work best for us. The boys learn and play together. Our afternoon schedule works like this; first, homework, get it out of the way. Then for the rest of the afternoon he can play with friends either outside or at their house or our house. Then after dinner we usually have family time without friends over etc. But, sometimes I let him go play again. This is the time in their life that they get to just be kids, play and not worry about the future. I remember when I was a little girl all I wanted to do in the afternoon was play with my friends. I loved my family, of course, but playing with friends was the hilight of my day. As for not being interested in a 'math challenge'. I'd say, that's normal. I'm an adult and I would rather go hang out with my friends than do a 'math challenge'. Bleck!!

Dear J.,

I think you are absolutely correct to be concerned about this, and he is young enough to correct the problem now. Recently my husband said that his father taught him that work comes before play, and he still has the tendency to complete work before he "plays." Being with friends is important. We all need friends. But, it is just one part of life.

Tell your son that you realize that you have made a mistake by letting him think that he can play any time he wants to. Tell him that you believe God wants you to train him in a different way, and you want to obey God. Make "play" and "socializing" just one part of life. Give him chores to do, and make it rewarding. That is realistic. We all work for rewards. Set up a chore chart and use stickers. Make the reward something you can actually do, something simple, like letting him choose the menu for a special night.

Also, require him to spend time with his younger brother. Give him ideas of what they can do together. Then later privately say, "I saw you playing with your brother. I know that blesses him, and me, so much."

One idea I heard recently is "Kids Night to Cook." He is not too young to start this. Monday night, plan the menu with him. Tuesday night, make the grocery list. Wednesday night, buy the groceries. Teach him how to buy food. (Just buy what is needed for his meal. Make it quick.) And then Thursday or Friday or Saturday night, help him cook the meal. Praise him for his accomplishment. Does this take a lot of your time? Yes! But one thing you are doing is teaching him to love work, and, you are taking his mind off of too much socializing. You are "turning his heart to home." And before you know it, he and little brother will be cooking by themselves! (This also teaches a boy, who grows up to be a husband, that cooking and washing dishes takes "time," and maybe he'll help his wife more!)

Make socializing a family affair. Find a family that has similar goals and aspirations that yours has, and also has younger children near his age. They don't have to be the same age, just close. Have the family over. Keep a close watch on what the kids are doing. In fact, any time your child is playing with other children, keep a close watch. Let them know that you can and will show up often to check on them. I grew up in the fifties, and I remember a time that my family went to another family's house. The four parents were downstairs playing dominoes, and the 6 kids were upstairs playing "doctor." It wasn't innocent, and looking back I am not amused. I know it had adverse effects on me.

Finally, read the book "The Firstborn Advantage." I think it is by Kevin Lehman. Order it from a Christian bookstore. You will be so glad you took the time to read this.

May the Lord lead and guide you in raising your children.

J.

That sounds like pretty normal behavior for a seven year old to me. He is being a kid. We try to structure every minute of their day and want them to focus and be diligent about everything. Did you do all that when you were seven? Kids need room and space to just have some down time and just play.I would save the serious sports and math achievement things for when he is older and wants to do that. Let your child be the lead on what appeals to him as much as possible.
School is extremely structured all day and they are all about to explode by the time they get out each day. Most schools do not even get to have recess much if any anymore. Everything is structured. However, that said, you do have the right to decide when and how long other kids come over. I gave mine time each day to play, especially outside with their friends.

My 14yo SS started the same thing when he was about 8 or 9. He was in a private school and had his first-grade teacher in third or fourth grade. She was stricter with him the second tiem around and held him accountable, and he declared that he hated school and her and didn't want to go back. He wasn't being coddled anymore, and the only thing that felt good to him was playing. His parents divorced, and 3.5 years later he is actually saying aloud that he only wants to play video games and watch TV, nothing else. And he pretty much holds to that. His parents have to force him to do other things and have at different times stripped him of all privileges. They're still trying to find balance in there.

Anyway, my point is that maybe your son is feeling certain pressures and is retreating to his "play times" because certain coping skills haven't been developed. It could be a matter of discipline and just knowing how to see a perceived problem and not run but slow down and realize that it's workable. If he's nervous about moving or if your part-time job is new...anything that can serve as a shock to his system.... The thing is that you just have to know your kid 'cause they're all different and can be affected drastically differently by the same circumstances.

When I was a little kid, I was always the smartest kid around and even publicly labeled the smartest in my school for years. Then, I went to a school that specialized in smart kids, and the shock was so hard to overcome. I actually had to work for it, and there was no praise in the end. I resorted to an obsession with things that I could control and that I was naturally good at and kinda blew off everything else. I'm a much more balanced adult, but I remember the feeling. If your son is so sensitive to his surroundings, then he could be "escaping" and not just goofing off. Solutions? I think that you should pay careful attention to him and make sure that you are understanding the concept of meeting the specific needs of your child versus generally meeting the needs of a 7yo. It's gonna take that to know how to provide balance for him. This is not to say that you don't know your child, but merely to emphasize the importance of that type of focus. Some children will naturally be motivated while others need a push, and the pushes have to be specific to who they are. Once you get more info about what's going on with him in school and elsewhere in his world, articulate for yourself your goals for him and figure out what it will take to motivate this child to get there. I'm sure that you know that this is a process that will keep repeating itself.

This was convoluted, but I hope that it helps a little.