All Moms - Houston, TX

I recommend the series by Gary Smalley "Keys to Loving Relationships" there are 18 sessions i think. thay are awesome!

I know that it's not easy to like someone you are always arguing with. I too shut off my feelings when I feel like I'm being attacked over and over again. But before you give up, if you haven't already, I recommend some relationship counseling to see if there is any way to gain back that love and respect. If your children are really that important to you, trying to fix the relationship with their father should be equally as important. Now there may be a point at which a relationship is not salvageable, but unless you are sure you are there, you can always give counseling a try.

My husband asked me to marry him 2 months into our relationship. I said no and said let's wait and see if we're still together in 3 years and then ask me again. I wanted to be completely sure I knew everything I could about him before I committed my life to him forever. Even after being together for 3 years before getting married, once we were married, we still had a very rough first year. We went to counseling and it helped tremendously. I know it's been 7 years for you, but maybe it will help. My husband and I have now been together for 17 1/2 years and we use the coping strategies we learned in counseling all the time to keep our marriage fresh and as stress free as possible.

Lastly, did I read your post correctly? Did you mean you have feelings for another person? If that's true, I have two comments. First, honey, the grass always seems greener on the other side, and more often than not, it's just as brown over there as it is in your own yard. Second, if you put yourself into a situation where you "found" someone else you care for, you have not been loyal to your relationship for a while now and you could be the problem more so than your daughter's father at this point. We can sabotage our own relationships subconsciously when we carry baggage around that we don't deal with in an effective way. Maybe he's putting your kids in the middle of your problems because he's desperate and he doesn't know how else to get through to you. If he feels you are completely gone to him, I could see where he'd be flailing to get you to listen to and care for him again. If it's true that you have your sights set on some other relationship, that's probably more the 'cause of your problems than anything else and you have to decide for yourself what's more important to you. Whatever you do, try to remember your kids in this process. If they are truly as important to you as you say they are, their well being should be your first priority and you should do everything you can to keep their best interests at heart.

R.,
In light of our personal correspondence regarding your post, I'm editing my initial response to you. Thank you for clarifying more clearly your situation. I wish you the best.

G

I think you need to put your children first. It sounds like you have looked outside your marriage for support which is not the right way to go because that will break you further from your husband.

Marriage is hard, has lots of ups and downs. I am going on 20 yrs this year and there have been times when have clashed but we also realize the big picture....our daughter and our relationship. Yes, it is tough if you are arguing all the time. Try some kind of counseling if possible.

Keep your chin up and try to stablize your home for your children

Also on a side note, not to sound rude but the comment "work for cash and not a pay check" raises a lot of red flags as far as being responsible, legitimate and law abiding citizen.

S

I am not sure if I am understanding correctly, but from what I am gathering you are not married and it sounds like you are not "in" this relationship. My advice to you is to end the relationship and let him move on and move on yourself. A very wise man once told me that life is too short to be in a miserable marriage...you will only end up making yourself miserable, him miserable and ultimately your kids miserable. At the end of the day, you're either "all in" or your out.

I read in your message that you have say 3 children and that you are NOT married to their father but live with him as a family unit for the past 7 or so years. You now want to earn money "cash" but not a pay check. Does this mean cleaning houses or babysitting as a cash option. A real paycheck means you still work but pay your way fairly and report your income as a taxpayer.

Some states consider you a married couple (common law) after 7 years together - another story.

What do YOU want? What did you see in him in the beginning that attracted you to him? Do you want a loving man who cares about his children or do you want somebody who only "turns you on" for a few moments each time you meet? Do you want a career outside of the home that gives you a change from staying at home? How will these dreams meet and match up? Lots of questions you must search for yourself. You are a woman first, a lover/wife second and a mother third. Once a mother always a mother even when children grown and leave the nest. Who will be with you when they are gone? Also, do you live your life through your children? What kind of role model are you giving your children? Children learn and absorb through observation. Good luck. Email if you have any other questions.

How familiar this sounds. 8 years ago, I was 24 with 3 kids, had been married to their father 8 years and just could care less if he went out, and never came home. I really just got to a point where 'whatever'. In fact, when he went out with friends or out of town for work, I was so happy to get to relax alone with the kids. Let me guess, you've told your mom every time you've fought, and now she hates him too? I did that. We all do that, intentionally or not. I hate to say it but I think you realize it, once you feel the 'whatever', maybe it's just time to move on. Some things are just unrepairable you know? I was 24 with 3 kids, and wasn't sure how I'd make it, but I just couldn't go on wasting my years. I had rather been alone. I got a job, an apartment, a divorce, and it was definately the absolute right decision for me and my children who were payimg the price of a bad relationship between their parents. It was causing them stress as well. Now, I've been with a man I met right after my divorce ever since, and we have 2 children together and he is great with my kids. We still have our normal problems now and then, but I can tell you that I care about him, what he does, what he thinks and to this day have not lost one spark in the bedroom, which tells me a lot because in my last relationship it got to a point where I was disgusted if he touched me as sad as that sounds.
Well, anyway, good luck to you Just worry about what will make you and your children happy, and you can do it. Life is short!

I thought you were married to him this whole time. Are those ya'll's kids together or is is a blended family?

If you're not married to him, you can leave or tell him to get out. You will have BIG problems with your kids if things don't improve. I am telling you this from experience. GET OUT!

If your mom isn't talking to you b/c of him, then your mom is manipulating you and not showing motherly love.

You need to take care of your kids. Get a job. And get out of the unhealthy situation.

Are you staying with him because of money? Why do you want to work for cash? That is odd unless there is a good reason that is legal. A pay check will pay you more, honey. Cash will limit your revenue gatherings.

R., Rememeber that EVERYONE makes mistakes!!! And this one sounds like a mistake from the beginning. Ignore what some else wrote saying, and I quote "It sounds like you're NOT putting you kids first"!! I say whatever to that.........I can feel you're a great mother who's trying to be the best at what she can be for her kiddos. If you are not happy then move on with your life...It's as simple as that!!! I have been there once before and know excatley what you are gong through. The only thing you can do is try to get couseling or move on girl. You only live once, right?

Good luck and please know that I sympathize for you.

B.

It sounds like you need to figure out what you want to do and that you don't want and to be by yourself for a while to figure that out.

I was in a similar situation years ago only I did not have children of my own and someone paid attention to me and after being married for 15 years, I left my husband, got a divoce and married a mistake that I lived with for 4 years and wish I hadn't. It cost me alot of money and heartache and I can just say that it was a lesson well learned. After I divorced him for cheating on me, (what comes around goes around), I finally sought help for myself and took some recovery classes thru my church and was by myself for 2 years and was comfortable with myself, I even went out to eat in restaurants by myself...
I finally decided that the next time I dated, he would be a Christian and I didn't settle for less and now I am remarried for the last time and he is a Christian and it's made a world of difference. I am very happy. We aren't just Christians on Sundays but everyday. We're not perfect and satan will attack Christians more because he wants them away from God and to be of the secular world. I am so Thankful to God that my prayers were finally answered. I went through alot and learned alot and sometimes life experiences are the best lesson. Just don't wait until you are in your 40's like me. My next 40 years will be the best!

God Bless you and I will keep you in my prayers!