Age for Temper Tantrums

Dear Maria,

It is very common for children ages 2 and up to have temper tantrums. Usually temper tantrums in children under 4 or so are triggered by some sort of biological need, i.e, they are too tired, too hungry, bored, loosing patience with waiting, become disregulatedetc. Children, about 4 and up usually have tantrums in response to being set a limit or being told No. They are establishing an identity that is now more willful, driven by strong desire to assert themselves and to get what they want. They require a different approach than the ones above. I actually wrote an article on how to handle tantrums in a store, which you can read at my website parentingbyirine.com. Let me know if I can be of more help.

I. Schweitzer,LCSW
Parenting expert

Yup. Totally normal. Which of course, doesn't mean you still don't have to nip it, but completely normal.

You'll notice another real big push of temper tantrums usually around age 6/7 and then again at various stages in puberty.

When looked at logically, they make total sense. The first round hit when our babies start becoming kids... when the WANT something (prior to that they were upset when they needed something they weren't getting...wanting is totally different). They're dealing with emotions, real, hard hitting emotions for the first time. :P

- They tend to come around again age 4/5 with some major independence seeking (and the harder they push you away the faster they come running back)... but these don't usually last for very long.

- And then again at 6/7 , when they start merging their mind and their emotions. If you do public/private school, you'll probably notice "exhaustion" prior tantrums prior to that... where they're losing it because they're so tired... mentally & physically... but that's environmental, not developmental.

- The next big developmental push tend to come around puberty 9, 11, or 13 tend to be the common ages where it STARTS getting yowza. And thats integrating hormones + mind + emotions. Wheeee. So much fun. :P :P :P

You might really enjoy a textbook from a developmental psych class, esp since you already have you MFA. It's not pop psych, so there are no "answers" in a developmental psych book... but tons of INVALUABLE info. They also describe different parenting styles (developmental psych was where I first heard good descriptions of the difference between authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, & neglectful/abusive parenting. SUCH a good read. While a person could theoretically take/audit a class at a CC without breaking the bank, you can also look up the courses online, see what book the profs are using, and then order it through the school or amazon and never have to leave your house. They're pricey, but you can always sell them back.

At his age, all you need to do is talk with him about it... openly without judgment/criticism/scolding etc. Just talking about it.
Maybe if you ask him, he will explain and/or have a reason?

You are very lucky that he has never had a "tantrum" until now. THAT is unusual. But that does not mean he is "abnormal." And NO NO NO "tantrums" are not only for little kids.
To keep it in perspective... even Teens have tantrums too. Mostly, kids get tweaked when they hit certain age junctures or are on the cusp of another age etc. Growing pains.

Some kids are also not expressive... so they keep things all bottled up inside them. NOT good. Then they get frustrated and don't know how to express themselves, or they think they have to be strong and silent. Then they erupt in other ways.

Tantrums are an expression of frustration/inability to express themselves, or the child not knowing how they feel, or them not receiving understanding or validation, or some kind of stress or problem occurring (big or small) at home or school or with situations, or a change in routine etc.

So thus, just ask him and see what his thoughts are.

And by the way, "tantrums" can still occur even at 6 years old.It depends on their emotional maturity as well, not just their age.
My daughter, when she was in 1st grade, had a classmate that "tantrumed" still, for example.

A great book is: "Your 4 Year Old" which you can get from www.amazon.com
It is a book about each age-set and their characteristics. Although written years ago, it is still Very pertinent and timeless.

Or, if anything has changed in his life in the past 2 weeks, then explore that. Maybe he is reacting to it, thus tantrums.

All the best,
Susan

A safe medium to explore emotions, even angry ones, is through creative arts. Sounds like he is ready to learn more complex ways of channeling and expressing his emotions. I would try using real clay or canvas/paints. Or even a mini-movie camera;)

Dear Maria:

This is a very common situation even where there was no past history in the family of anger. Children as you know are very hypersensitive to their surroundings and can pick up on the moods of other just by their tone or facial expressions.

They can also act out what they see on television, video games and the actions of their friend’s parents.

If the behavior does not resolve itself speaking to him with gentle kind words then there are natural ways of adjusting his behavior. As we all know fighting fire with fire never works, so threatening discipline is never the answer.

Good Luck:

S. L.

I knew about the terrible twos but had never heard about the forocious (sp?) fours. It was explained to me that children cycle through stages of behaving, for want of a better word and fighting for independence. Usually the odd years are the easy ones and the evens are where they act up looking for independence, which is really what the terrible twos are. So yes, it is normal.

Has anything changed in your family's life recently? My husband and I are teachers. After a summer of spending a lot of time with our 2 yo son, he had a really hard time readjusting to us going back to work. He threw horrible tantrums through out September, but after a month he was back to his old self. It just took some time for him to adjust to the new schedule.

My daughter started having tantrums when she was a toddler. The frequency became less as she grew older. She didn't have her last tantrum until she was 7 years old. It takes time for them to mature sufficiently to be able to handle all the frustrations in their lives. He sounds like a normal 4 year old to me.

My daughter had the terrible 4's. It will get better. Just ignore the tantrums and put him in his room. you can't give him any kind of attention with tantrums, that's what they want. Hold his bedroom door closed until he gets over it.

My daughter was awesome until she turned 4... I called them the f ed up fours...lol. I believe that children are constantly developing and changing their needs and it's when we, as parents, don't know how to meet their needs that both parties get angry and frustrated. Take a step back at how you're behaving and try for a new approach

Does he go to day care? Sometimes they emulate each other, but they can also become very sensitiveat that age. And you are right about two year olds! My baby girl is almost two and a half...she's a perfect angel at day care and with sitters, and with us, she pushes the envelope!

First of all... be thankful this is his first outburst! Kids have tantrums throughout all ages... even into the teens! Your son is normal!

Look out for the "ferocious fours." I too had the best time at 3 with my son and he transformed at 4. It's quite common, according to the books. It's like they rebel a bit, because they're more grown up, but still don't have the independence they crave. Hang in there! So far, the "five's" rock!