My ex BF and I do not have a court ordered visitation schedule. We basically have a hand shake agreement that he will provide for his child. He loves to spend time with her and is very nurturing.
However, he does not understand that an infant needs consitency. Our child is only seven months. I am the primary care giver. My ex BF has our child for one day a week for an overnight plus every other weekend. The weekends he has her he picks her up in the afternoon on Friday from daycare and has her until Monday morning. When she returns from her weekends with him she is a bit more clingy with me and has more stranger anxiety for a couple of days.
I think that is a more than resonable schedule for an infant.
Now he wants to add another day to the week so that he has her two days a week and every other weekend.
Would someone please share their insight with me on this. I have researched it and it looks like that schedule he is proposing is way too much for an infant.
I'm not quite sure where the nasty comments about me not wanting my child to have a father in her life are coming from...but I DO absolutely want her to have him in her life. I don't want her to be stressed b/c of the back and fourth of his place and mine. She needs to be with both of us I agree totally. Our daughter's daycare has already shared with me they have seen a change in her behavior when she comes back from visits with him. I am simply watching her cues. If she is reacting negatively to the long visits shoudn't I try to do something to make it easier on her?-I'm not aruging I'm just trying to find a solution here.
never ask an "childcare expert" anything, mainly becuse they are not experts on child care. sit down with the guy and explain how you feel, and be willing to work out a compromise. what he wants sounds perfectly
reasonible.be thankful that he wants be involved
K. h.
I agree w/ you. But infants are not the only ones that need consistency, so do older children.
I have seen that in an effort to be fair to each parent, the children often get the short end of the stick so to speak. They bounce around sooooo much that they never really feel at home and are very unsettled. This leads to great adjustment and behavior issues, which causes them to act out and get in trouble. Causes stress and drama for all involved and parents are so busy bickering with each other and fighting for what they want that they lose sight of doing what is best for the child(ren) involved.
Stand up for your child. Maybe allow your ex to come over to see her or have dinner with her another night (if you are comfortable with that) or pick her up from daycare and spend a few hours with her.
I actually see both sides to this. I had this issue when my daughter (she's now 6) was a baby. Honestly, I didn't want her to be gone a lot b/c I missed her when she was gone. He had her two nights a week until she started school and now she now goes every other weekend. I think your current schedule is pretty fair. Maybe on the weeks that he has her that weekend he only has her one night and can keep her two nights the week that isn't his weekend? Your daughter will get used to the schedule. It will probably take you longer to adjust than it does her, I know it did for me :)
I want to make sure you know how lucky your daughter is like mine that her Daddy wants to be an active part of their life. A lot of woman are trying to hunt down dead beats to make them see their child.
I hope you two continue to have a friendly relationship. My ex and I have never had to go to court for child support or visitation. We always talk it out and remember our daughter is the most important thing. It sounds like you two are doing the same. We are lucky! I hear about all of this drama with ex's and I'm so thankful I didn't/don't have to deal with that. Now, just wait until he gets a girlfriend who tries to ruin all that. That's when Mama bears claws come out! :)
I think it's great that you have such a civil arrangements and that he wants to be with her so much. It's normal for her to be clingy when she's been away from you. If it's only "a bit" I think she'll get used to it as she gets older, and it's certainly not traumatizing for her. Does she separate easily when she goes to Daddy? Then she's doing okay. How does she do after the one overnight during the week? If that part is fine, then I don't see why adding another would be a problem. She will get more used to him and being safe in 2 households.
I know a lot of women are bitter about this because they have miserable ex BFs or husbands. I am married to someone who was kept away from his children and it has affected them negatively - both picked lousy men (abusers). They have since turned to their father as a guide and comfort, but it's very late in the game for that. The fact that your daughter's father is so devoted to her should be celebrated.
I do agree that a written agreement is probably very wise. It makes both parties feel better and protects each one from any nastiness by the other.
Here's an interesting observation. You begin your post with ex-BF then refer to him as BF and not her father. Just thought that was interesting.
He is her father and she does need both of you. It is not unusual for a 7 month old to be clingy to one parent over the other. Consistency is key. Two nights a week isn't really too much. You will need to work with your little girl, you both will to help foster her confidence and happiness.
You also should go to court so you both have your intentions regarding this child on the record. Just because you are the primary caregiver now doesn't automatically make you the custodial parent in the sights of the court. This is not just a precautionary measure for you and for him. It is something you can show your daughter just how much you each cared for her if it comes to that in the future.
Keep communication open and work together to raise a healthy and whole child. God bless.
Its great that he wants to be involved in her life. I agree that you both should have a written agreement. My children father and I had a verbal agreement after our seperation(like financial responsibilities and so on) but as time goes on and needs changed adjustments needed to be made we werent in agreement with the changes so I felt it was easier to handle it in court. Its a headache but in the end it has worked out. At first he had real ill feelings towards me but thankfully he didnt take it out on the kids. Its just life.
Like it or not he is the child's father and deserves to be with her. This kind of thing is ROOTED in inconsistency so it is something that your child will just get used to I am sure. That will be the way of life and she won't know any different. No way around it really.
2 nights a week and every other weekend is not too much. My stepson we had him three days a week and every other weekend for years. Basically since about 4 months old, when his parents divorced until about 5. at 5 my husband started working days instead of nights. we swithced to 2 days instaed of 3, since one of the days was a friday, and it became difficult that neither family could do anything firday nights. both us and his mom go out of town during the summer a lot. So we chose 2 nights for tht reason.
an infant needs both parents. its as if you are saying that if you were togheter, your child wouldn't see the dad that much, becasue it's too much for her.
You have to do what is best for the child. it is difficult at times, but the child needs mom and da din their life as much as possible. so if he is offering to takke her another night go for it.
