Advise - Our 6 Yr Old Always Seeking Attention.

schedule special "alone" time with her and each of the others as well. That way she will visibly see that she is treated the same as everyone else. It doesn't have to be but 2-3 minutes for her to share her "news of the day".

Hi G.,
Being a step mom is tough, but worth it.
Sorry this is a bit of a story, but I think it’s worth it.
In church one Sunday, the Sunday of Fathers Day, the minister talked about how our children recognize "love” from their fathers (but really it’s been applicable from both parents). They were three or four different ways in which we recognize love.
1) Touchy feely- hugs, kisses
2) Time spent
3) Gifts bought
4) Verbal-I love you’s (This might be in the touchy feely category)

So we think we know our kids! My 4 year old son (at the time) would receive all kinds of hugs, kisses, lots of touchy feely stuff. So I was sure that he’d say I feel love when Jason (step-dad) and mom tickle me, hug, me. My step-son who was 7 who’s mom was very prolific in her money spent on him with expensive clothes, toys, BMX bikes…surely he would say it was money spent is how he feels love. Here’s the kicker-nope not at all! The 4 year old knew he was loved when we brought him home little toys, bubble gum or rented a game for him. The 7 year old, was kinda embarrassed and shy to say, he knew we loved him when we hugged him, tickled him, kissed him. CRAZY. It’s like they wanted and needed the exact opposite they were receiving. Even still, they feel that way at 11 and 14.
So I guess what I’m saying is maybe the attention you’re giving is not what she see’s as love but just doesn’t know how to tell you that. Wouldn’t it be a kicker if what she really wanted was some gum or strawbery, sparkle chap stick to know she’s loved? Being loved and accepted is such a huge thing. Maybe she’d relax and stop acting up to get “love” because she received it in a way that she recognizes.
Good luck!
Peace & Light
Steph

I recommend reading the book "The Five Love Languages of Children" by Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell. It is wonderful. Your daughter may be craving your attention because, no doubt you are showing her love, you might not showing her love as she desires it. You say you are giving her "QUALITY TIME", but that might not be her primary love language. If you really want a solution, I highly suggest this book. It will give you insight as to way she might be craving the attention she is. http://www.amazon.com/Five-Love-Languages-Children/dp/188...
You can get it used for $6.50

Book review on Amazon.com:
Many parents may read this book and assume that you ought to discover your child's love language, and then he/she will grow up happy and feeling well-loved. I do not think that is all that Chapman is saying with this incredible book, instead, he is pointing out that many children feel unloved by parents who truly DO love them because their parents are not being sensitive to their primary love language. ADDITIONALLY, the main conclusion I came to upon finishing this must-have title was that children ought to be loved with ALL of the love languages so that they will grow up able to show love to others regardless of the love language one speaks. If I truly value my child, I will want him not only to know I love him, but I'll also want him be able to show love to others. This book spurred me on to teaching one of my classes of 2nd-6th graders how to show love in these different ways, and to evaluate others around them. It has also made me more sensitive to physically clingy children (perhaps not getting the physical touch they need), as well as children who are constantly trying to get attention. I advise teachers of any aged children to read this title. It will change the way you view your class forever.

These are great suggestions. Is the 9 yr old doing something new, doing well in school, has something else going on? Is something different with Mom? The 6 yr old may just need some 1 on 1 time. At 6, she can describe what's going on with her mind and emotions. After the situation passes, ask her what's causing her to act out. Remember to reasure her that she's not a bad kid, just making poor choices.

Some children crave attention, no matter how much they get its not enough. This little girl has it hard: she goes from one parent to another, with step parents thrown in! She may be very insecure and need to be constantly reassured that she is loved by all the adults in the equation. I know you are trying super hard, but her "love bucket" is close to empty right now and if its not filled up soon she will have major issues later. Please read the book "5 Love Languages of Children" by Gary Chapman, find out what things make this little girl feel loved and then keep it up. It's cheaper than a therapist! Otherwise, if you think the book is a bunch of bull then do take her to a therapist, she is crying out for help - for some reason. Find out what it is.

The Love Languages book is awesome. Definitely a paradigm shift so please read. My guess is the divorce is probably a bigger factor. The youngest may still be coping. Wanting the constant attention and going after it is a way feel in control her world. If you establish a household routine and encourage responsibility, this may give her a way to feel back in control. (more on that later)

I don't know how long ago the girls world was rocked by the divorce, but that could be part of why she wants attention- good or bad. She could be feeling insecure or scared that her family is going to be messed up again. Going back and forth between homes really stinks even if both homes are loving.

Little kids don't think the way we do. Depending on the circumstances she may feel responsible for the change in her family (somehow be blaming herself)... You know more about the situation to get a feel for which things it may be.

E.g. My daughter has pitched an unbelievable fit three days ago because the dog was eating a small piece of paper... My first assumption had been that she was mad the dog wouldn't do what she commanded. She was raging, whining mad. It turns out she was terrified that the dog would die. She burst into tears after telling me that part. (That was the most recent reminder that kids think differently and how closely fear and anger can be related.)

I have a 5 1/2 year old girl who loves lots of attention, too. My husband and I had been separated. DD did fine when we separated, but struggled when we reconciled two years later. It took 6-8 months for her to be oK with sharing her parents again. Other than that there isn't an apparent reason why she needs so much attention.

Some ways we've been dealing with the attention neediness. I have good luck with having my DD help out around the house. She has her own laundry basket and will sort her laundry now. When I am cooking dinner, she wants to help out so I try to come up with stuff she can stir, pour in, etc. She is a great vacuumer. I praise her like crazy for her effort and helping me out. She seems proud of herself for accomplishing something and enjoys the encouragement and verbal affection.

Also she is loving her responsibility chart. Basically it just reminds her to comb her hair, pick up her toys, etc. I visit the chart a lot because when she does something she still wants to get praised each time, but at least I'm getting little breaks while she's trying to complete her project. I got it so she would feel more independent and confident when the baby arrives. But I underestimated the power of stickers with a little girl.

I think kids are reassured by knowing they don't have to be in charge. A grown up is there to rely on. Certain routines help out with that.

Of course she's not working all the time. She loves to color and craft things so she will do that in the same room while I work on something else. After school I try to make time to focus just on her. Snack time, find out about her day, ride bikes to the park and just play... It makes the rest of the day go well since she seems to act less attention starved.
Plus asking her about her favorite part of the day or things clues me in on what she likes and what makes her feel loved.

The other thing we've been working on is choosing our reactions/responses. For instance, DD is allowed to be angry, but she may not yell or hit me. I know developmentally she is learning how to deal with her emotions so we are working on how to do that. We've practiced two or three better responses to a conflict at school or situation with a cousin. She has been making better choices with her actions and reactions. The nice side effect is that she will communicate if she really needs a hug rather than just being together with me and/or daddy.

I try to help my husband out with errands and make the home a place he wants to come home. It keeps him from getting caught up in a mental to-do list and lets him focus on us. My daughter soaks up Daddy's attention. Hugs, tickles, praise for her artwork, etc. Since I'm home after school, I have to concsiously help my husband relax so he can enjoy his family. He works so hard, but I don't want DD to be starved for affection. (Too many scary teen stories seem connected to not being loved and cared for by Dad.) I'm hoping your husband spends tons of time with you all when the girls are at your home. I wasn't sure from your post if the girls are there during the weekends or weekdays... you will have to scale back what you and Daddy try out in your home depending on when the girls are with you.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm hoping you get an idea or two to try out. I know our situations are different, but little girls are awesome and so worth the effort.

I loved Stephanie's response, and it reminded me of the books about the five love languages. There is one geared towards children. The idea is, we each need love to be expresed in certain ways. My way of experiencing love may be through quality time, whereas, my husband's way is through gifts. Check it out - either google the title or go to the bookstore.

Also, I have a 6 year old, and I realized this past Saturday that we were really focusing a lot on all the "bad" behavior and not giving her much appreciation for the good things. She had just had a good report card from kindergarten, as well as a special compliment written on it by her teacher. So we decided to celebrate, and one thing we did is take her to the American Girl doll store to buy an outfit for her doll. She was so happy! It was so good for her to have that affirmation! She really appreciated being "rewarded" and she also just enjoyed the girlie fun of shopping. So try to find some fun things to do, and some ways to affirm and celebrate the good qualities, and don't get too focused on the misbehaviors. They tend to be minimized on their own when all the other good stuff is going on. Hard to do when you don't have her in your life on a daily basis, I know - it sounds like you really love those girls, though!

I love that all of the responses suggest a fabulous book and I believe that is an avenue worth inspecting. However, I am curious in addition to the unsatiable desire for attention does she have anything which would resemble social oddities? Does she touch people too much? Does she have difficulties reading slight social cues? If the answer is yes, then I would consult a physican as there may be some autistic issues (learning differences with social skills), slight though they may be. Sometimes children with these difficulties act out constantly positively and negatively without pattern to get attention because they lack the skills to do anything differently.

If the answer is no then may I suggest some Applied Behavioral Analysis tactics, which says basically give attention ONLY to the behaviors that you want, unless of course the child is risking doing bodily harm to themselves or others. So, if she is sharing, coloring nicely, brushing her teeth without being asked (responsibility), basically anytime she is NOT desperately seeking attention, pay her a compliment. Typically kids respond best to descriptive and loving unsolicited compliments. Don't over do it, but put a paper clip in your pocket so that each time you feel it, you remember to check in mentally and see if there is anything which could be recognized and rewarded. Remember to be consistent with this reward system, well in every area of parenting you need to be consistent. I know that it is hard to ignore "bad" behaviors, but perhaps when the 6 yr old is acting out you verbalize something positive that the 9 yr old is doing, it will eventually redirect the 6 yr old towards positive behaviors. Occasionally throw in one on one dates with dad or you as a step-mom, it could be something as simple as taking one of you taking a girl out to feed the ducks at a city pond while the other gets to stay at home and do an art project or bake cookies.
From one step-mother to another - hugs and best wishes and kudos to you for searching out various pathways to enrich your lives as a family. How lucky those two girls are to have so many people who love them so very much!

If she is an outgoing child, she may be bored around the house. When there is downtime she may not know what to do
with herself. I was a preschool teacher for 5 years. I suggest you come up with some fun things to do. There are some really great craft books at Mardel and Im sure other book stores. You could get a kids in the kitchen type cook
book and cook with her.(when she comes over give it as a gift so that she feels special) Have dad get out a ball and go into the yard as a family and wear her out. Try giving her some chores which will make her feel important and proud to contribute.(make it fun by printing a chart for her to mark it off) I have a 12 year old, 6year old and 2 year old. Each of them has age appropriate chores. My six year old sets the table before each meal, she helps her sister empty the dishwasher, and each of them are responsible for there rooms. They also collect all the laundry and trash in the house once a week for me. They enjoy it and make a competition out of it. Kids who aren't busy tend to look for something to keep busy. If they don't find something they begin to be a problem.

Children have lots of toys that they do not play with bacause there is no creativity or interaction envolved.My experience has been that more than anything they just want my undivided, uninterupted attention. Try also getting some things like Playdough, Shave cream( spray it on the table and have her smooth it out and draw pictures or write her name in it)

Another good idea is to set up a time when she is with you either an hour a day or whatever you decide that will be her time and she can have your full attention to do as she wishes.(within reason) Maybe let her choose if it is a family hour or if she gets one of you one on one. Play games,watch a movie,color,play dress up, let her fix your hair, paint nails,play dolls create a date night or day for each of your girls so that they have an opportunity to be one on one with you or your husband or both. If she has a set time she will have something to look forward to and may be less likely to bother you. Set clear boundaries for the time you spend. Explain to her before you begin that you want her to have time with you as she wishes but that she will have to understand that you have many other things to do and they need to be done in order for that time to take place. That way she understands that she gets the time with you based on her behaving until that time comes. Communicating a clear time and plan will help her to strive to earn that time. Hopefully she will be excited and just having something to look forward to will help her focus.

My oldest daughter was this very same way as she was an only child for 6 years. Then came my second daughter, and she is now the attention seeker since our son was born when she was three. It was very hard but what we started to do was make a point to talk with her about the time we spend together in the moment.She would come out of the blue and say you don't love me, you just love him. So by pointing out the things we were doing with her in the moment she began to think about it and soon realized that she wasn't getting slighted as much as she thought. She just didn't recognize the attention she recieved until we were giving our attention to one of the other kids. Get dad involved as much as possible.

I hope that some of these ideas will help you to help her.

Goodluck

Younger siblings always behave different than their older ones. It is obvious that she lack confidence in herself and suffers from anxiety.
You need to start trying to change the situation by changing the home dynamics. Starts with different foods with more nutrition, a healty snack before going to bed; or if you eat dinner late, lots of healthy food (lots of veggies, for fiber and vitamins) and plenty of fluids; I would definitely emphasize eating as a family, very important to have dad present. The reason why you focus on the food is because all our brain functions are deeply related to what we eat, and our brain control our body, lack of proper nutrition is the source of most modern brain maladies.
Then take a look at your daily routine, and change it. Limit television time and encourage talking and extra activities.
Then you focus on her schooling, and finding out the people she hangs around with: Is there anybody bulling her? Has somebody made fun of her in any way? What is the relashionship with her teachers?
If she does sports or music, find out if that activity is making her happy and self assured, or else change to something that she feels comfortable with. If she is not enroll in extra activities, enroll her and spend the time to attend those activities, Dad should be present too.
I think you are in the right path by simply being concern. I am confident that you will make a big difference in her life, Good luck to you,

Hi G.,

I would suggest that you and your husband spend time with the girls both together and then 1 at a time. What I mean is this, spend time with the 6 yr old alone and then time for the 9 year old alone. Then spend time with both of them together. A lot of the times when children have to go between different households depending on the personality of the other siblings, someone is kind of left out (not intentionally). One may be more open, the other may shy back or just wants someone to reach out to them more so because they won't reach out themselves. When the children are together encourage them to help each other and work together. That way when they are from you, they can be there for one aother.