Advise on How to Support a Sibling Adjusting to New Baby

Mine were 2 years apart and we had the same problem for about the first 6 months (in a really constant way) and about 5 more months on and off. Although it sounds like my son was more aggressive- he would hit and try to headbutt the baby. He would take toys out of his hand and sit on or knock him down when walking or crawling. I thought I was going to lose it and was asking for advice from all.
What I learned is that I just needed to keep on doing what I was doing. It just takes a LONG time to adjust.
What I was doing...probably all things you have already done/heard of

Giving extra attention to his needs, hugs, cuddles, playing time
Talking about how babies are and what they need and having him be a helper and praising that A LOT
Time out for any attempt at hurting the baby
(He responed VERY well to this one) Telling him "your brother loves you so much. He is so happy you brought him that toy. Look at his smile. Can you make him laugh again?" and stuff like that
I let him play with all the baby stuff as much as he liked.

My boys are now almost 3.5, almost 1.5 and I'm 5 mos pregnant. The boys get along very typically. They are usually good and fight over toys now and then. Rarely do they hurt each other. Most of the time they are just chasing each other around. It's totally cute. :)

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Two suggestions I have after going through this with my own (son was 18 months when daughter was born):

1. Be very aware of oooh-ing and aaah-ing over the new baby in front of him. He will see that as her getting attention he used to get. I will never forget once when my daughter just started rolling over we were praising her and clapping and my son asked "Where's my good job, mommy?" It broke my heart in a million pieces and I started praising him, and complimenting him. I tried to be aware that for each time I said something positive to the baby, I also said something positive for him.

2. Make dates for time that you can have just with him. When I got home from the hospital J and I would have snuggle time together just the two of us and read a story or watch one of his shows, and once I was able to take longer walks, my hubby would take baby duty and J and I would go on a walk or to the park. I made it a point to do it every single day, and it meant the world to both of us. He still asks for dates with his mommy. :)

Right now in his mind the baby has taken over his time with mommy, so, although including him in helping with the baby is great, so is making sure that the baby doesn't interfere with your bond with him.

It gets easier - I promise!

Congratulations, B.! Haven't seen you around for a while.

Don't give him negative attention. It's going to be really hard, with a new baby, because the baby will take most of your time, but I suggest you DON'T try to get him to help you with the baby, but instead, hand the baby off to your husband for a few minutes here and there, and spend even 15 minutes with your son WITHOUT the baby.

When you do this, say something like, "Oh good, dad has the baby, now I can spend a few minutes with just you." That mirrors his emotions, and will help him like the baby more.

Anyone who hasn't had a child with big sibling rivalry issues won't know how hard it can be, but you want to nip this in the B. right now as much as you can, by giving your son one-on-one attention WITHOUT the baby, and mirroring his emotions.

DON'T chastise him for negative feelings or actions toward the baby. It will make it worse -- I know from experience.

Sibling rivalry can completely change a family dynamic -- for the worse. If my daughter had been my oldest child instead of my son, my whole experience of parenting would have been much easier and more pleasant.

In hindsight, I would not have chastised him the time he threw his hat at his new baby sister, (or numerous other times) but instead I would have put the baby in the crib, taken my 3 year old son in my arms for a while, and told him that I appreciated how hard it was for him to have my attention taken away from him by this new little baby.

People use the example of, how would you feel if your husband brought home another wife and told you that you now had to share him with her. And it's a valid example.

Ah, B.! Congratulations, I missed your last post! I'm so pleased that mom and daughter are doing well!

How 'bout Dad spend some Man Time with your son? Take him out for haircuts, ballgame, movies, lunch, catch, football?

(He might be wondering when you're gonna bring that thing back to the hospital where it belongs!)

:)

Congrats on your new daughter!

To help your son adjust continue to ask him to help you by bringing you diapers, blankets, wipes, etc. Keep him close when you feed the baby, he can have a book or quiet toy to play with. Tell him how fortunate the baby is to have him for a big brother, how he'll be able to show the baby new things as she gets older. When you need to ask him to be quiet while she sleeps, etc., remind him that you did the same with others when he was a little baby. Try to get him some books on new siblings that you can read to him, and instill in him a love for the person he may think is taking his place. Set aside a time each day for just you and him to do something together, read a book, play a game, snuggle, whatever gives him happiness, maybe once your husband is home or while the baby takes a nap.

Be consistent (sounds like I'm talking discipline, lol) as it may take awhile, but it will happen. Congratulations again on your growing family : )

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Just took a look at your profile, ADORABLE children!! : )

Congratulations B.!

Wow--boy do I remember the transition. My #2 is now 3.5 and my #1 is 5.5...with a love-hate relationship every day. While I was pregnant with #2 I read a book on the topic, and here are the two immed. things you can do that stick in my head. I think these helped a ton:

Both in front of baby and w/o baby around, tell your son how much new baby loves his brother. Gush over him from your baby's perspective...you are Mom and have special powers to 'hear' your baby and feel what he is thinking. So we used to say things like, "Your baby is so proud that you are his big sister. He was so excited to watch you ride your bike and was very impressed by the way you used your manners at the table. He says he can't wait to play with you and learn all of the big kid things from you like how to color and play Candyland. He loves you so much." We, as humans, naturally like people who like us and love people who love us. It's hard to dislike someone who feels very fondly for us.

The second thing we did is we brought a gift to the hospital from new baby to Big Sister (things to keep her busy like bubbles, books, a new pull toy, etc.). It was from Baby, not from us. Although your son is older than my daughter was during this transition, we did do a few extra treats (food and otherwise) to build a positive association with being an older sibling. It's not just a special treat of going to Basking Robin's with Daddy, it's Daddy asking him if he wants to go get some Big Brother ice cream, for example. This of course works best with things that he didn't really get to do/have before or things that are an extra rare and special treat. Maybe you could have a special fun dinner and do a few decorations and have an official graduation or welcome party. Just those who live in the house. Kids love rituals--maybe he can pick out a candle for the centerpiece and you can say a few word while lighting it about this being a Big Brother ceremony...he's graduating to a new role. Get a little mister bottle and put a few drops of a favorite fragrance in it (like an essential oil) and you (and Daddy if he's in the picture, I can't tell from the post) have him close his eyes and you put your hand on his shoulder as you each say a few words then mist him with the special Big Brother spray. They also do well with cleansing rituals...open all the windows for a few minutes to welcome in the new season and let the new family fairies (or whatever invisible creature appeals to him) fly into you home, then hand him a broom and he gets to sweep the old season (of being a family where he was the only child) out the back door. I know--corny. But I work at a preschool as a parent volunteer and the kids eat it up. At the end of the ceremony/graduation, you present him with the gift from the Baby.

Good luck--and heads up...it got really bad in our house when baby became mobile and quick and could get into Bid Sissy's things/knock over blocks/chew on her stuffed animals, etc. He became more of a threat, more competition, and less of a passive blob from Big Sissy's perspective.